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The Illogical Side to Spock - living with OCD, BDD and panic disorder Watch

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    (Original post by bluemadhatter)
    Awww it looks great :hugs:
    Thank you deary! just about to go to my driving lesson so I'll reply to your mail when I get home :hugs:

    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Thankyou!! I'm getting there! Still a little bit to do!!
    Aww that's nice!! I'm looking forward to returning properly tbh!!
    Also I couldn't resist your Top Gear thread! I love Top Gear!!!

    Also I'm glad the hairdressers went well!! You look amazing!!
    Thank you deffo gives you a big boost when you get your hair done glad you like the TG thread. Seems to be a popular thread so far

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    Papa got a phone call at 2am from the transplant team, they have told him to be on alert today and have his bag ready for hospital! He'll know for sure if he's getting the op later on today but it's looking promising. Best news I've ever woke up to! We are all a mix of nerves, excited and everything else under the sun!

    Can barely type this message from happy tears and nerves :laugh: will keep you all updated :hugs:

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    Yesterday was an up and down day. We were in limbo for most of it. One minute the doc would say the op was definitely going ahead and then the next it was in the balance but at 7am today we got told the donor's organs were too far gone and the tissue damage was much more than expected and if my papa got a kidney from that donor, he would have been back on the transplant list in a few months needing a new one again so he's coming home. They didn't know how bad the damage was until they opened him up no organ was viable so we aren't the only family in this situation today. Our thoughts go out to the donor's family. We are all hurting today


    We're disappointed but that's life. We knew from the start this could happen but it still a kick in the gut. Papa is still at the top of the list so he could get another phone call any time - tomorrow, next week, next month. We've been told to stay on permanent stand by.


    Papa's taking it better than the rest of us. He's disappointed but is a firm believer of what's for you won't go by you. Heading up to pick him up soon and then him and Garry are going to a train fare and me and mum are staying in Glasgow for a bit. Could do with a shopping spree to cheer me up

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    Just want to say thank you to everyone on here who has mailed me asking how I am with everything over the last few days. It really means a lot in fact, more people on here have sent me messages or just asked how everything is than real life friends I have on FB. All most of them do is like what I post. It doesn't take much to write "I'm sorry to hear the transplant feel through" or "my thoughts are with your family". To me its rude to just bloody like something when it's that major or maybe I'm just being touchy because I feel let down by a lot of friends atm

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    (Original post by noticemesenpai)
    subscribing to this
    Thanks for the sub :hugs:

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    Today I went to Glasgow with my mum, stepdad and Callan for a day out and I enjoyed it but its really tired me out and I think I'm in the middle of another setback with OCD and panics and after all that's happened lately, I suppose its to be expected. I held back so many panics
    and compulsions today for fear of ruining the day although I know my family would understand. I'm paying for it now. I'm so worn out and feel like **** to put it bluntly.

    I've received a few mails and comments from people regarding OCD from the MH awareness week thread I've been doing and I'll get back to you all tomorrow. I'm way too tired tonight and I hope you understand


    Have a good night everyone :hugs:
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    I'm really struggling today especially with low mood. I haven't felt like this since my breakdown in October so I'm hoping today is just a down day and nothing more but I'll have to keep an eye on how I feel over the next few days.

    I am trying to keep myself busy but also rest and not do anything that requires too much energy. I need to open up to my mum and Callan about how I feel. I've been here before and I got out of it and I need to remember that
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    Hi Yasmin, (I love your name btw )

    I have been reading through this thread for a while, and I really admire you for discussing your mental experiences in such detail! I definitely feel like I have learnt a lot from it, and I am sure that others will too!

    I urge you to continue because I think that this is really amazing.

    M x
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    (Original post by ||TheUnknown||)
    Hi Yasmin, (I love your name btw )

    I have been reading through this thread for a while, and I really admire you for discussing your mental experiences in such detail! I definitely feel like I have learnt a lot from it, and I am sure that others will too!

    I urge you to continue because I think that this is really amazing.

    M x
    Hey aww thank you! I'm not keen on my name but I think most people are like that with their own name

    Thanks my goal was to educate people about OCD especially but without trying to push it down people's throat. Its took me a while to be this open about everything but I'm just grateful I got to being an open book like I am now after years of hiding everything in shame which was bloody stupid of me.

    I shall continue and thanks for keeping up to date with everything, that really does mean a lot :hugs:
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    I promised to be honest about OCD and today I had quite a bad experience with it today that'll share with you.

    You know my main contamination fears are drugs, toxins and chemicals. I do have a slight contamination fear of germs bit compared to the rest, it's very minor but it does flare up every so often whereas the rest are constant.

    Me and Callan were leaving the flat and he loves bugs and all things creepy crawlies and he saw a dead wasp and he picked it up to have a look at it and I saw it and instantly the typical thoughts of "omg Callan's touching a wasp and it could be covered in its venom and then he could touch me and then it goes on me. I don't know if I'm allergic. What if I die?! What if I get ill?! What could I do to get rid of it if he does touch me?!" and it went around in circles and when we got out of the block he took my hand like he always does and boom, I broke down. I took a full blown panic attack and told him he had contaminated me and at first he couldn't understand where I was coming from because it was dead but he later realised that what can trigger OCD isn't always obvious to someone who doesn't suffer from it.

    I haven't washed my hand where he touched but I feel like its burning and my anxiety is going through the roof. I know its just OCD and I will be fine but its horrible. I feel like my entire day out has been ruined now and I'll constantly be on guard and wary of him touching me until he washes his hands or something.

    OCD is an utter *****

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    Hey guys

    Today has been a bad day in terms of panic attacks. I've lost count how many I have had while Callan has been at college all day. Its been a while since they have been this frequent and then I have constant high anxiety in between each panic and my OCD has been high and affecting my eating. On the plus side, the depression levels have went back down

    I'm thinking of making a challenge chart again for the first time in about a year for my panic attacks. Its been a while but the chart has always helped me through a panic attack setback in the past and it should help again now. I am scared to even walk off my bed to the toilet because I fear if I stand up, I'll get dizzy again and then take a panic. I definitely need to nip this setback in the bud. I've been a lot worse than this but I know how much better I can be

    -----

    On a side note, my papa had an appointment with his renal consultant yesterday and he is doing good and still a perfect candidate to receive a kidney so the consultant is sure that when he sees him again in 2 months, he'll have his his transplant and the next offer wont muck up like the last one so here's hoping I'm cautiously optimistic which is the most a pessimist like me can ever be :laugh:

    -----

    I'm also thinking of trying to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit to see if that helps with everything overall or even if it only helps one thing. I'm thinking of making it a goal every week to meet up with a friend I haven't met for ages and try to hang out with more people than just my mum or Callan. I love hanging out with them of course but my therapist said that I do need to reconnect with old friends and all that again and not just stick to people who have became my comfort zones so to speak. Even if I only meet a friend for an hour a week in town for a coffee, its a start at getting me back to the old mega sociable Yasmin I used to be
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    Ok so today's post is going to be the hard post. I am going to talk about things that have happened that have partly caused my conditions as well as things like genetics. Some things will be easier to talk about than others and I'll add a spoiler as the things could be triggering for some.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I'll start from when I was a kid. My mum and dad were together for just 2 months before she fell pregnant with me. They were both 20 and I was born the day before my mum's 21st. They were on and off for 3 years before my mum finally left him. My dad used to mentally, physically, sexually abuse my mum. When she was 7 months pregnant with me, he pushed her down the stairs and punched her. She tried to leave and he threatened to kill her and me. He also sold drugs and cheated on her. He also took a few overdoses and tried to blame them on my mum saying she pushed him into doing it and guilt tripped her into staying. She finally left when my grandparents told her that if she didn't leave him there and there, they would take me and she wouldn't be able to see me again

    So after what I wrote in the spoiler, I lived with my mum, gran and papa. I am the only kid and grandchild so I have always been spoiled rotten and this got in the way of me and my mum a lot. She was an only kid too and my gran was very strict with her growing up and I got let off with everything. My mum was young when she had me and hadn't really fully grown up and everything that my dad done to her caused her problems as well. I remember calling my mum by her first name when I was a kid. She was always out partying and when I would call her because I missed her, she would roar down the phone at me. She wouldn't tell me she had a kid either. So many of her boyfriend's found out by accident from her friend telling them or something. This angered my gran and papa so much. My mum did neglect me. She was wrapped up in everything else.

    My gran and papa said they would look into legally adopting me and then my mum convinced them not to and that she would change. When I was about 6, we got our own house about 10 mins away from my gran and papa. I didn't find this out until a month ago but for the first year and a half of me living there, my gran had to pretend to live there with us or I wouldn't stay. She'd come up every night for a few hours and tuck me in and left while I was sleeping because I couldn't stand to be alone with my mum - she done that every single night for a year and a half. I didn't trust my mum and OCD had been diagnosed at that point already at such a young age. I was accusing her poisoning me due to my contamination fears, I was a very rigid child and hated change which is a big feature of OCD, I was constantly checking my health and I even read medical journals from a young age to get more clued up on what could be wrong with me and I would constantly look out for signs of an illness and little did I know it was OCD I had. I also started to get panic attacks at this age but didn't know what they were.

    Fast forward to when I was a teen and me and my mum fought like cat and dog. We would physically hit each other and we had zero respect for each other. I think its because at that age, I realised everything she had done over the years and was lashing out over it. I moved out with Callan at 18. We didn't talk for 2 years after I moved out as she went crazy and started accusing me of doing drugs, going to my college telling them I was being abused and things like that. I later found out she was going through a breakdown. I think the reason for my mum's behaviour when I was younger was due to everything that has happened to her and she was suffering from CPTSD, same as me. Nowadays we get on great. She has changed beyond belief. She is the first person I turn to now and not the last. We text nearly every minute of the day and haven't argued since we fully made up nearly 4 years ago. She fully admits to everything she done in the past and doesn't deny it at all and has seen the error of her ways. There's proof that people can change

    Ok so the rest of the things happened within a 4 year period and I'll explain them now -

    *You've maybe already read it on here before but my ex best friend assaulted me. He was my best friend for about 6 years and the night I lost my virginity to Callan, I obviously told him as that is what friends do and when I told him, he pinned me up against the wall by my throat and started to punch and slap me and roared me calling me a slut and everything else under the sun. It all happened so fast. He was my best friend and we were like bro and sis and he was my partner in crime. I couldn't forgive him and he never apologized and on that night, I felt like I had lost half of my life because he was such a big part of it. That happened 7 years ago and its one of the few things that still makes me feel something when I think of it. I don't think I ever processed what happened. I just swallowed it down and tried to forget about it but I'm not gonna lie, it hurts like hell remembering that night.

    *Callan was involved in a court case with his dad when his dad assaulted him and you can imagine how stressful all that was. They get on now a little but it was a stressful time.

    *I had pneumonia when I was 19 and about a week after I had recovered, I noticed my period was late and I thought it was just all the stress from being seriously ill but I took a test just to be sure and I found out I was pregnant. I collapsed in shock, literally. I took my pill like clockwork so I don't know when or how I got pregnant. I felt cheated since I took that pill religiously. I had started to get bad panic attacks at this stage and the thought of having to go to a hospital or clinic terrified me because I could barely go out my house let alone go there which would give anyone anxiety so I tried to kill myself. I wont go into much details there as we aren't allowed to on here. I got an abortion and I told Callan from the start that if I ever fell pregnant at any age, I would have one and he totally agreed as we never want kids. To this day, I don't regret it one bit. I obviously wish I didn't get into that situation in the first place but things happen. My family were supportive. My gran doesn't agree with abortion but she stood by me. Callan's family weren't the same. His dad accused me of cheating and said that must be the reason why I got an abortion and his stepmum said she didn't want me back in her house again because she didn't trust me around her kids any more. I haven't been back since and don't intend to.

    *my papa got diagnosed with kidney cancer. He was lucky that he didn't need chemo or radiation therapy but he needed his kidney removed and since then, his remaining kidney has failed due to his other conditions and now as you know, he is on the transplant list. I've lost count of how many scares we have had with my papa and thought we would lose him. I dread the day I do lose him because he is my papa and my dad pretty much. He's the most important man in my life.

    *my stepdad used to take mini strokes but in Jan this year, he had his first full blown stroke. Doctors say he wont have enough mini stroke again, each stroke will be a proper one and will leave more and more damage. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease last year and doctors have told him that with his conditions including COPD, he might not make it to 60. He is 57 at the moment.


    *I lost a close friend to suicide 2 year ago. He went missing and was found a fortnight later in a river that was devastating and I felt a lot of guilt there because I spoke to him about my mental health and maybe he felt like he couldn't turn to me

    *you know I am an avid animal person and my pets are my absolute life. I lost my cat Mylo in Feb 2014 and my dog Toby in Feb 2015. I felt a lot of guilt there with them even though I know deep down I done my best for them. They were my angels though and you feel the need to protect them at all costs but you can't protect them all the time, especially from bad health. I still miss them every minute of the day and cry over them a lot to this day.

    A lot more has happened but these are the things that stand out for me and what I feel have influenced my conditions. My mum and gran suffered from anorexia, depression and panic attacks and I think I get some of my problems from their genes. I also found out a few years ago that my dad has schizophrenia.
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    x
    :jumphug: you're so brave for being as open as you are — lots of hugs :hugs:
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    (Original post by iEthan)
    :jumphug: you're so brave for being as open as you are — lots of hugs :hugs:
    Thank you for taking the time to read my blog :hugs:
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    My BDD hasn't been too bad lately which is a relief. Its still there of course but its been quite quiet. My OCD is sky high today, mainly with paranoid thoughts. My main worry today is that someone is in my flat. My reasons for this is because when I left the room to get a drink, my laptop booted into some memory test thing instead of the Windows log in screen and when I left the room the second time after getting my drink, my flask was knocked over. I know logically that computers can boot into all sorts of things and maybe it had to be done because a disk was corrupted or something or I accidentally clicked the wrong thing at my boot loader screen and I know I could have knocked over my flask by accident when I got up and didn't realise but my OCD 'convinces' me that someone must be in my house so I check everywhere - all the little hiding places, check my locks and I do this over and over although I can tell the first time that everything is fine. I don't feel any relief from it if I only do it once.

    I also got the usual thought that "someone is in my house and they touched my laptop and they could have put LSD on it, well my drink has tap water so I would lightly tap my keyboard with it as that would destroy LSD from the chlorine in it but then I would ruin my laptop". I never put the water on my laptop and I am currently grinning and bearing the urge to get up and wash my hands as I type this. I also took a panic attack during the entire thing earlier.

    Its not the first time I have felt like this over someone being in my house. I got it really badly at my mum's a few months ago when I was cat sitting and I was close to calling the hospital because I couldn't get the thoughts out and they are so loud, its almost like you can hear them talking out to you and nothing distracts you from them and my compulsions weren't helping my anxiety and I was taking panic after panic but couldn't get words out of my mouth when I went to call Callan for help and I couldn't type from shaking. It was ******* horrible.
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    Hi Spock's Socks I would just like to let you know that I love your blog 🙂

    Also, I hope you don't mind me asking but I was just wondering whether BDD is classed as an anxiety disorder?
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    (Original post by Alicemidgetgem)
    Hi Spock's Socks I would just like to let you know that I love your blog 🙂

    Also, I hope you don't mind me asking but I was just wondering whether BDD is classed as an anxiety disorder?
    Hey! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Sorry it can be a bit of a novel at times though :laugh:

    Yeah BDD is classed as an anxiety disorder. A lot of people seem shocked when they learn that OCD and BDD are both anxiety disorders
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    Me, my mum and Callan are meeting up tomorrow to finally decide on a date for me and Callan's wedding! Nervous but excited I'm thinking it'll be on our tenth anniversary which is only 2 years and 8 months away :love:

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Me, my mum and Callan are meeting up tomorrow to finally decide on a date for me and Callan's wedding! Nervous but excited I'm thinking it'll be on our tenth anniversary which is only 2 years and 8 months away :love:

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    Just to say I admire your bravery through everything you've shared on your blog. Enjoy your wedding planning, getting married on an anniversary sounds like a lovely thing to do
 
 
 
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