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Girl wants to "take a break" due to her anxiety. Anxiety sufferers' advice wanted! Watch

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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    I hope you don't mind if I ask a few of questions, just to remind me of some details.
    Where have you gone on holiday?
    Is this a lads holiday?
    When does it finish?
    Do you both live in the same area?
    Do you share a circle of friends?
    Did you know her prior to dating her?
    Do you know anything about her previous relationships?
    I am in Bulgaria, it's not a lads holiday. I get back Sunday.
    We both live in the same city, about 15 mins walk from each other.
    No we don't share a circle of friends although we have both made effort to spend time with each others' friends.
    No, we didn't know each other before dating. We have literally only known each other around 4 months.
    She has had a drunk one night stand and an 8 month relationship with a guy who she said broke up with her because of her anxiety. When she told me it was implied that it was because she never told him about it before and then when she did then he broke up with her (she told me early on through)
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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    The implication of the relationship ending in no way guarantees that this is the actual reason. It is possible that this man didn't want the responsibility, for whatever reason. But it is also possible that her telling him coincided with his predetermined wish to end the relationship. So this leaves us in no better position to assess whether she is looking for a serious relationship - although the caveat to this is that one can mostly say that all people will know that special someone when they come across them despite of historical protestations of being a loner.

    So options as I see it at this point are:
    1. She is a flake and spineless and prefers to **** people off until they dump her. Weird, but possible.

    2. She is self destructive and the arbiter of everything she thinks will go wrong with her life. Tragic, but believable.

    3. She is genuinely ill and is frightened of the relationship. Just an incredibly sad and painful situation for her and those around her.

    4. She wants to be with you and she just needs to get past the holiday so that things can return to normal. Also tragic, but can be worked on.

    5. She REALLY REALLY wants to be with you and she is using this as a way to ensure you come to heel. Very sinister, very machiavellian, very unhinged, very manipulative, very bunny boiler, very make sure she isn't fishing the condoms out of the waste bin and extracting the semen with a turkey baster in order to get pregnant kind of deranged.

    6. She has no idea what she wants and is messing you about unintentionally. Fairly benign, but going nowhere.

    7. Any combination of all the afore mentioned points and possibly more besides. You are completely ****ed. Get out. Get out now - unless you are a masochist, in which case hang around and enjoy the pain and suffering that will inevitably result from your tumultuous future together.

    There is another point that has nothing to do with her.

    I am taking you at your word. This could all be fabricated and you could be some lonely little man or woman who has no life to speak of and whose idea of a meaningful relationship is to strike up conversations with people online about completely fictitious events.

    You could also be some psycho who gets his or her jollies by being incredibly cruel to your partners and then goes online and plays the part of the victim.

    I would never know whether either of these points are true, and I don't have the time or interest in investigating who you are. So, I take you at your word.

    All of this comes full circle. Phone her when you are sober. Have a real conversation with her, with voices and everything. Better still, wait until the holiday has ended and go and see her and tell her how you feel (without coming across as some needy, clingy, wet rag). If you feel like you can't wait that long, jump on a plane. Doing something is better than doing nothing. A text tells you precisely that because this whole communication has been about trying to derive meaning from very little information. Real human contact. Talk about things in a truthful way. Don't skirt around what needs to be said. But say what needs to be said. Someone liking something you've posted on Facebook is not a sign of romantic interest. It is merely an indication that people are so stupid and sheep like as to believe that things like that have a place in our lives.

    My sister in law was discussing her recent dating problems. I asked her where she meets people and she said 'plenty of fish.' I responded, "Nooo, where do you MEET peeeopllle. You know, real people. You've seen them, I'm sure. They are those meat sacks that pass by you in the street." She laughed and said one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard a human being say. "Yeah, but, where am I going to go to meet people." Of all the tragedies, this is by far the greatest.

    Before I terminate this rant I'll leave you with an unpleasant proposition. I've thought of another one:

    8. She wants to sow her wild oats (jesus, I sound old) while you are away and she is trying to ease her conscience by saying (please read the following in the voice of Ross Gellar, from friends), "we were on a break."

    Sorry to end on such an anxiety inducing note.
    Very few of these scenarios seem likely to have a positive outcome. There are a few which I can rule out such as her being a bunny boiler or sowing wild oats (that is unless her entire personality thus far has been fabricated).

    I'm aware that likes on Facebook are not a sign of romantic interest. What I meant was that it isn't what I would consider the behaviour of someone who wants to avoid contact with you. For a example she just recently sent me a snapchat (regarding a ban we listen to so I know it was meant for me). To me, if you don't want to be with someone then you would avoid contact with them.

    I made this thread to try and gain a better understanding of anxiety and how it makes people behave. Yet I am just as confused if not more so than at the beginning.

    I guess the best thing to do would be to let her contact me. If any of the best-case scenarios you suggested are what is going on then she will contact me when she is feeling better. If it is any of the more negative scenarios then I won't hear from her.

    For the record this is a real story about me and a girl who does exist. What a world we live in these days here we question if a person is lying to such an extent over the internet. I wish I had enough free time to come up with such a detailed and elaborate story but unfortunately I do not.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"
    Listen. While I don't know your full situation, I have a range of anxiety disorders which are just lovely *not*.

    I can't tell you how many relationships j have unintentionally sabotaged because of depression and anxiety and just "feeling nothing" and interpreting that as "oh that means I don't like the person anymore!" But it's actually often just me.... Sadly i don't work this out until I'm in a better state of mind and the other has moved on. Another party trick of mine is picking fights because of my anxiety. Idk if your girl does this but if she does it may well be because she's afraid you will hurt her. And I do it for those reasons and therefore sabotage it that way.

    BOTTOM LINE: anxiety can honestly be so crap. It can make you feel like crap and in turn push others away. If she's feeling really mentally unwell, then she will push you away. It's a common symptom. Don't take it instantly that she doesn't like you. I can be in this state for months.. So the fact she asked for weeks isn't unreasonable IMO.

    I would advise you not to give up. However, if you aren't prepared to take on someone with such issues then I would suggest you do her a favour and let her go. People with anxiety are prone to depression and an awful breakup down the line can be bad for her health. Hope this helped x


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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    The implication of the relationship ending in no way guarantees that this is the actual reason. It is possible that this man didn't want the responsibility, for whatever reason. But it is also possible that her telling him coincided with his predetermined wish to end the relationship. So this leaves us in no better position to assess whether she is looking for a serious relationship - although the caveat to this is that one can mostly say that all people will know that special someone when they come across them despite of historical protestations of being a loner.

    So options as I see it at this point are:
    1. She is a flake and spineless and prefers to **** people off until they dump her. Weird, but possible.

    2. She is self destructive and the arbiter of everything she thinks will go wrong with her life. Tragic, but believable.

    3. She is genuinely ill and is frightened of the relationship. Just an incredibly sad and painful situation for her and those around her.

    4. She wants to be with you and she just needs to get past the holiday so that things can return to normal. Also tragic, but can be worked on.

    5. She REALLY REALLY wants to be with you and she is using this as a way to ensure you come to heel. Very sinister, very machiavellian, very unhinged, very manipulative, very bunny boiler, very make sure she isn't fishing the condoms out of the waste bin and extracting the semen with a turkey baster in order to get pregnant kind of deranged.

    6. She has no idea what she wants and is messing you about unintentionally. Fairly benign, but going nowhere.

    7. Any combination of all the afore mentioned points and possibly more besides. You are completely ****ed. Get out. Get out now - unless you are a masochist, in which case hang around and enjoy the pain and suffering that will inevitably result from your tumultuous future together.

    There is another point that has nothing to do with her.

    I am taking you at your word. This could all be fabricated and you could be some lonely little man or woman who has no life to speak of and whose idea of a meaningful relationship is to strike up conversations with people online about completely fictitious events.

    You could also be some psycho who gets his or her jollies by being incredibly cruel to your partners and then goes online and plays the part of the victim.

    I would never know whether either of these points are true, and I don't have the time or interest in investigating who you are. So, I take you at your word.

    All of this comes full circle. Phone her when you are sober. Have a real conversation with her, with voices and everything. Better still, wait until the holiday has ended and go and see her and tell her how you feel (without coming across as some needy, clingy, wet rag). If you feel like you can't wait that long, jump on a plane. Doing something is better than doing nothing. A text tells you precisely that because this whole communication has been about trying to derive meaning from very little information. Real human contact. Talk about things in a truthful way. Don't skirt around what needs to be said. But say what needs to be said. Someone liking something you've posted on Facebook is not a sign of romantic interest. It is merely an indication that people are so stupid and sheep like as to believe that things like that have a place in our lives.

    My sister in law was discussing her recent dating problems. I asked her where she meets people and she said 'plenty of fish.' I responded, "Nooo, where do you MEET peeeopllle. You know, real people. You've seen them, I'm sure. They are those meat sacks that pass by you in the street." She laughed and said one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard a human being say. "Yeah, but, where am I going to go to meet people." Of all the tragedies, this is by far the greatest.

    Before I terminate this rant I'll leave you with an unpleasant proposition. I've thought of another one:

    8. She wants to sow her wild oats (jesus, I sound old) while you are away and she is trying to ease her conscience by saying (please read the following in the voice of Ross Gellar, from friends), "we were on a break."

    Sorry to end on such an anxiety inducing note.
    Congratulations. That was perhaps one of the most hilarious replies I have read on TSR. At one point I was laughing my head off at preposition number 5.

    Charismatic, dry and sarcastic. 10/10.


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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"
    Personal message me. I am an anxiety sufferer myself, am also in a relationship. I would love to give you advice and help you out in regards to what to do. But, I would appreciate it if I could discuss it with you in private message. As I don't want the whole world knowing about my issues. 😂
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    (Original post by Louise12307)
    Listen. While I don't know your full situation, I have a range of anxiety disorders which are just lovely *not*.

    I can't tell you how many relationships j have unintentionally sabotaged because of depression and anxiety and just "feeling nothing" and interpreting that as "oh that means I don't like the person anymore!" But it's actually often just me.... Sadly i don't work this out until I'm in a better state of mind and the other has moved on. Another party trick of mine is picking fights because of my anxiety. Idk if your girl does this but if she does it may well be because she's afraid you will hurt her. And I do it for those reasons and therefore sabotage it that way.

    BOTTOM LINE: anxiety can honestly be so crap. It can make you feel like crap and in turn push others away. If she's feeling really mentally unwell, then she will push you away. It's a common symptom. Don't take it instantly that she doesn't like you. I can be in this state for months.. So the fact she asked for weeks isn't unreasonable IMO.

    I would advise you not to give up. However, if you aren't prepared to take on someone with such issues then I would suggest you do her a favour and let her go. People with anxiety are prone to depression and an awful breakup down the line can be bad for her health. Hope this helped x


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    Thanks for your insight.

    So this is pretty typical behaviour? Everything is great one minute, the next she is cold and distant?

    For example I text her last week and she seemed to still be fairly distant (as i said, the response I got from me saying i miss her was not what i would consider positive and not how she would have responded a few weeks ago) yet last night I got 3 or 4 snapchats from her with at least 2 being directly aimed at me (one was referencing a personal joke we have with each other). This is the only kind of contact she has initiated with me in basically the past month and I suppose it means she's obviously thinking about me in some way. So considering how she responded to my texts last week I find it confusing that she is acting fairly normal again.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"
    I have anxiety and sometimes if I have really serious arguments with my partner, anxiety makes me want to isolate myself from him and I will be on a couple of days break where there is strict no contact. I will come back and talk through things and see where this relationship will be going.

    However sometimes It also happens when I feel very overwhelmed either because he is too loving (in his own way) and I don't appreciate it enough in his own eyes which could be quite draining for me or if he nags non stop about petty things then I will want some time and space for myself. I don't get attached so easily which helps. I would say after maximum 1 week if your girl doesn't text you then move on. Breaks aren't supposed to be longer than that
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    Thanks for your insight.

    So this is pretty typical behaviour? Everything is great one minute, the next she is cold and distant?

    For example I text her last week and she seemed to still be fairly distant (as i said, the response I got from me saying i miss her was not what i would consider positive and not how she would have responded a few weeks ago) yet last night I got 3 or 4 snapchats from her with at least 2 being directly aimed at me (one was referencing a personal joke we have with each other). This is the only kind of contact she has initiated with me in basically the past month and I suppose it means she's obviously thinking about me in some way. So considering how she responded to my texts last week I find it confusing that she is acting fairly normal again.
    Obviously everyone's different, but anxiety can definitely make someone act this way. Try talking to her. Message her or call her and say that you are aware that anxiety can make people react in different ways and that you are here for her. Ask her to let you in as you want to be in it with her together (if that's truly what you want, of course).

    If she responds and says that it's not that, then go back to the drawing board. But I would say that it's fairly likely to be this.


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    (Original post by Louise12307)
    Obviously everyone's different, but anxiety can definitely make someone act this way. Try talking to her. Message her or call her and say that you are aware that anxiety can make people react in different ways and that you are here for her. Ask her to let you in as you want to be in it with her together (if that's truly what you want, of course).

    If she responds and says that it's not that, then go back to the drawing board. But I would say that it's fairly likely to be this.


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    So you think I should make contact with her to see how she is now that I'm back? My friends said I shouldn't "chase her" but I don't think they really understand anxiety.

    Normally I wouldn't question it and I would text whenever I wanted but this whole thing has made me overthink things and I don't want to pressure her by asking how she is and then jumping in and asking to meet up.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    So you think I should make contact with her to see how she is now that I'm back? My friends said I shouldn't "chase her" but I don't think they really understand anxiety.

    Normally I wouldn't question it and I would text whenever I wanted but this whole thing has made me overthink things and I don't want to pressure her by asking how she is and then jumping in and asking to meet up.
    No, I think it's alright to be cautious and it's something you might have to weigh up yourself. Sometimes your guy friends aren't the best in these situations, you're right that anxiety can really need different approaches than the "hard to get" routine. She has already had quite a lot of space from you (weeks right?) and so perhaps there's no harm in messaging her. Depending on how the messaging goes it might be too much to ask to meet up, but checking in on her and just letting her know you're a supportive presence might be really comforting!


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    (Original post by Louise12307)
    No, I think it's alright to be cautious and it's something you might have to weigh up yourself. Sometimes your guy friends aren't the best in these situations, you're right that anxiety can really need different approaches than the "hard to get" routine. She has already had quite a lot of space from you (weeks right?) and so perhaps there's no harm in messaging her. Depending on how the messaging goes it might be too much to ask to meet up, but checking in on her and just letting her know you're a supportive presence might be really comforting!


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    Well I did decide to message her. After chatting a bit I asked to meet up maybe sometime this week to which she replied "would it be ok if i got back to you on that?". I just said no problem, if she still needs time and space then thats fine. I also said if or when she wants to text then she is welcome to even if she doesn't want to meet up. She said she appreciated that and I think she really did (but i won't say why because it might sound kind of silly to others).

    I suppose I'll just wait and see if she gets back to me anytime soon. I really thought she would be feeling better by now.
 
 
 
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