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    (Original post by joey11223)
    This has made me ponder a couple of things...

    If a man has in the past had some sort of altercation with a girl which resulted in him shoving her against a wall and then throwing her out of a room, would people warn future partners not to take the risk and leave them?

    Then secondly, if a girl slapped their boyfriend or pushed them hard during an argument, should the guy end the relationship on that scenario occurring years into a relationship?
    Yes and yes.

    Abuse is not forgivable, because in most cases it repeats. That is why most people should be wary of staying in relationships where abuse has happened. I would only warn future partners about dating him if he showed no genuine remorse and/or it was repeated and/or they mentioned something about his behaviour that could potentially lead to abuse. So in most cases I would.

    And it's still abuse when a woman does it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know what you would classify as controlling. He doesn't approve of me having male friends, that's really about it. Also, he has a habit of constantly texting me when i'm out with friends but if I stayed home, I wouldn't really hear from him much.
    sorry but this is controlling, he says he don't like you having male friends, it is called having a social life. He has serious issues, nothing wrong with having male friends, you will lose all your friends if you stay with him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend of almost 3 years saw a text from an old boyfriend on my phone a few days ago and he got really angry. I tried to explain that it was innocent, but he wasn't having it. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, carnival is today and I planned to go with a friend. I was going to go with my boyfriend but he has work. Anyway, he's staying with me at my house and as I was getting ready, he decided that he's not comfortable with me going anymore especially since he wouldn't be there with me. I told him that I'm going anyway and he took my car keys. I tried to take them from him and we were sort of wrestling for it. I grabbed them from him and he shoved me against a wall and I hit my head. He then took the keys from me again. I told him to get out of my house. He did so, and he took my car with him. This all happened only a couple of hours ago. Since then, he's called me numerous times apologising but I'm still so shocked. I told him to bring my car back and he's on his way.

    This has never happened before, he's never laid a finger on me and now I'm fearful that he'll get more violent over time. I don't even know what to say to him when he gets here. What should I do?
    "This has never happened before "

    this is what they all say, the first time.

    i feel like you'll probably forgive him but really no amount of apologising can make up for what he did. he demonstated possesive, paranoid, aggressive and controlling behaviour... i would run for the hills because i promise you this will happen again if you dont. you need to be strong and realise this is a true showing of his character.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    sorry but this is controlling, he says he don't like you having male friends, it is called having a social life. He has serious issues, nothing wrong with having male friends, you will lose all your friends if you stay with him.


    Sorry but it's perfectly reasonable for a male not to be "thrilled" at his gf having male friends. Anyone who is switched on will know that a large percentage of males are attracted to their female friends and there are many males who will befriend a female with an end goal of taking it to the next "level"

    There has been several instances in the past where I have dated a girl and noticed that her male "friends" are hitting on her. One male "friend" actually hit on my date whilst I was on the first date with her, a few weeks later I saw another male "friend" hitting on her on facebook. A female flatmate of mine who had a fiance would let a male "friend" who had blatantly declared his feelings for her and hit on her multiple times sleep in her bed with her regularly. I'm pretty sure her bf was completely oblivious to this and also dubious the friendship with the other guy didn't cross anymore boundaries.

    If a girl is going on nights out with her male friend there is a noticeable risk factor you'll end up getting cucked at some point. Unfortunately i've seen it happen ... with girls you would not think would cheat, who I remember saying they would never cheat. Males tend to use nights out as a platform for making advances.

    A guy has every right not to be "thrilled" over his gf having male friends.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know what you would classify as controlling. He doesn't approve of me having male friends, that's really about it. Also, he has a habit of constantly texting me when i'm out with friends but if I stayed home, I wouldn't really hear from him much.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know it wasn't okay to text my ex, and I apologised for it. I let him read the entire conversation (which was 100% innocent) and I thought we moved passed it. Then he brought it up again today and tried to use it a reason why I shouldn't go to carnival, which was pathetic
    Please leave him.
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    Sorry but it's perfectly reasonable for a male not to be "thrilled" at his gf having male friends. Anyone who is switched on will know that a large percentage of males are attracted to their female friends and there are many males who will befriend a female with an end goal of taking it to the next "level"

    There has been several instances in the past where I have dated a girl and noticed that her male "friends" are hitting on her. One male "friend" actually hit on my date whilst I was on the first date with her, a few weeks later I saw another male "friend" hitting on her on facebook. A female flatmate of mine who had a fiance would let a male "friend" who had blatantly declared his feelings for her and hit on her multiple times sleep in her bed with her regularly. I'm pretty sure her bf was completely oblivious to this and also dubious the friendship with the other guy didn't cross anymore boundaries.

    If a girl is going on nights out with her male friend there is a noticeable risk factor you'll end up getting cucked at some point. Unfortunately i've seen it happen ... with girls you would not think would cheat, who I remember saying they would never cheat. Males tend to use nights out as a platform for making advances.

    A guy has every right not to be "thrilled" over his gf having male friends.
    It is perfectly possible for a male and female to be just friends, I have plenty of female friends who I do not fancy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This has never happened before, he's never laid a finger on me and now I'm fearful that he'll get more violent over time. I don't even know what to say to him when he gets here. What should I do?
    Dump his ass plain and simple. You aren't owned by him, so don't act like it. If he can fight you the first time, he can do it again. And he likely will.

    In summary: Drop him like a hot potato.
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    The insecure and controlling behaviour is far more worrying than the push itself, which is a symptom and accidental result. Checking your phone, making demands on what you can and cannot do, and then stealing your car to stop you is beyond anything I would be willing to accept from a partner. I can see that behaviour getting worse, which may or may not cause violence, but the behaviour itself is enough to break up with him. Jealous relationships are a waste of time.

    Of course, this is just your side of the story. Perhaps you have cheated before, perhaps the texting to the ex wasn't completely innocent, perhaps you have given him a reason to be insecure and jealous (which is equally terrible behaviour) - I could quite easily see myself empathising with his erratic behaviour if you had driven him to it (excuse the pun).
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    I would only warn future partners about dating him if he showed no genuine remorse
    so in OP's situation she's said he's left several messages apologizing but she hasn't spoken yet, depending on how genuine his remorse over this outburst was, should she give him a final chance?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend of almost 3 years saw a text from an old boyfriend on my phone a few days ago and he got really angry. I tried to explain that it was innocent, but he wasn't having it. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, carnival is today and I planned to go with a friend. I was going to go with my boyfriend but he has work. Anyway, he's staying with me at my house and as I was getting ready, he decided that he's not comfortable with me going anymore especially since he wouldn't be there with me. I told him that I'm going anyway and he took my car keys. I tried to take them from him and we were sort of wrestling for it. I grabbed them from him and he shoved me against a wall and I hit my head. He then took the keys from me again. I told him to get out of my house. He did so, and he took my car with him. This all happened only a couple of hours ago. Since then, he's called me numerous times apologising but I'm still so shocked. I told him to bring my car back and he's on his way.

    This has never happened before, he's never laid a finger on me and now I'm fearful that he'll get more violent over time. I don't even know what to say to him when he gets here. What should I do?
    Get out while you can.. If you forgive him, most likely he will think he can get away with it and do it again


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    (Original post by joey11223)
    so in OP's situation she's said he's left several messages apologizing but she hasn't spoken yet, depending on how genuine his remorse over this outburst was, should she give him a final chance?
    It's up to her whether or not she gives him a second chance but I wouldn't. It's very scary, how easily an unsuspecting person can fall into an abusive relationship. Since he did it once and seems to be remorseful, I would not try to sabotage any future relationships he has but would still keep well away.
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    They are always sorry afterwards.
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    There is such a thing as couples counselling if you think he is willing to work on his issues. I don't agree that he should be written off as boyfriend material for all time. Sure, others are saying you should leave him, but what about the next relationship he gets into? Is he ever going to learn just by being dumped every time he does something like this (after three years)? Possibly. Possibly after nine years or so he may realise the error of his ways and be redeemed, so why not get in there now and accelerate the process? Otherwise, it's like "lock 'em up and throw away the key". Or like saying if someone steals from an employer they should never ever be allowed to have a job again (and instead be a drain on society).
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    (Original post by Artjen)
    There is such a thing as couples counselling if you think he is willing to work on his issues. I don't agree that he should be written off as boyfriend material for all time. Sure, others are saying you should leave him, but what about the next relationship he gets into? Is he ever going to learn just by being dumped every time he does something like this (after three years)? Possibly. Possibly after nine years or so he may realise the error of his ways and be redeemed, so why not get in there now and accelerate the process? Otherwise, it's like "lock 'em up and throw away the key". Or like saying if someone steals from an employer they should never ever be allowed to have a job again (and instead be a drain on society).
    That's all very well, but this is the here and now. And, really, you cannot equate domestic violence with pinching from an employer. And I, for one, would not be hanging about until he sees the error of his ways. I speak here from personal experience. My daughter's partner was violent. The A&E department at our local hospital knew us well.
    He was lovely to start with. But then, it didn't take much to piss him off. Black eyes, broken arms, bruises, and he was always sorry afterwards and he was never going to do it again and he was going to get help. The same story every time. She only got the message when the child got between them.
    The OP is young. The signs are there. It isn't fair that she should have to nurse the boyfriend through a crisis of his own making. She is worth more than that.
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    The nicking her car was out of order, and technically a criminal act ...but then again so is your little brother stealing your favourite CD when you were a kid, or your best friend accidentally scratching up your playstation disc you lent him and refusing to give you money for it when you ask. Or you kid sister deliberately stealing and eating your last cornetto that you bought and paid for

    Are you really gonna call the Police?

    She knew he wasn't gonna trash it or anything and that mostly like he would return it.

    and intentions count. If someone shoves into me hard, their initial Intentions determines whether or not I react to it. If it was an honest mistake ..then fair enough ..i'm still gonna be pissed but probably not make a bit fuss. If it was deliberate then at the very least we are going to have words about it ...and it may even escalate beyond that.

    The guy shouldn't have shoved her. ..but At the end of the day, the guy did not intend for her to injure herself like that.

    If I shoved someone and didn't intend for them to hurt themselves- guess what? I'd INSTANTLY feel remorse and guilt, and I would feel horrible that I caused someone I love pain.

    If you shoved someone so they hit their head and hurt themselves, and you displayed absolutely no remorse and continued to steal their car, what does that say? That A. They intended to hurt you, or B. They don't give a toss that they caused you pain.

    Neither one is better than the other.

    I also highly doubt that stealing a car is on the same level as a friend taking a CD or scratching a PS game. Especially when they steal your car to deliberately attempt to control your actions.

    Slightly concerning that you find this behaviour acceptable.
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    (Original post by Artjen)
    There is such a thing as couples counselling if you think he is willing to work on his issues. I don't agree that he should be written off as boyfriend material for all time. Sure, others are saying you should leave him, but what about the next relationship he gets into? Is he ever going to learn just by being dumped every time he does something like this (after three years)? Possibly. Possibly after nine years or so he may realise the error of his ways and be redeemed, so why not get in there now and accelerate the process? Otherwise, it's like "lock 'em up and throw away the key". Or like saying if someone steals from an employer they should never ever be allowed to have a job again (and instead be a drain on society).
    "Is he ever going to learn if he is dumped after doing something bad?"

    Surely... Yes? When you think how strong a punishment dumping him is....
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    Tbh if you have a boyfriend and you're going carnival what are you doing? I can see where his anger came from but still I don't think it was right of him to respond the way he did anyway. Instead he should have sat down with you and talked about it instead of acting like a toddler having tantrum.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for your advice.
    He came back with flowers as if that would help.
    He asked me if I'm breaking up with him and I told him I wanted some space for now and we'll decide later. He cried, but it was all pathetic to me. I should be the one crying. Then he left.

    I'm on my way to carnival now so at least I'll experience some enjoyment. I've blocked his number for now because I know he would be non stop calling/texting
    Yes!!

    You clearly are a strong woman, I feel relieved

    (Original post by bluemadhatter)
    Tbh if you have a boyfriend and you're going carnival what are you doing? I can see where his anger came from but still I don't think it was right of him to respond the way he did anyway. Instead he should have sat down with you and talked about it instead of acting like a toddler having tantrum.
    What's wrong with her going to the carnival?
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    Since he did it once and seems to be remorseful, I would not try to sabotage any future relationships he has but would still keep well away.
    It would never be acceptable to attempt to sabotage his future relationships, unless perhaps it was serious abuse (and even then I'm not sure it's right - what are you going to do, follow his relationship status until he dies?), but certainly not for a shove or slap out-the-blue, regardless of whether they are remorseful or not.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    If I shoved someone and didn't intend for them to hurt themselves- guess what? I'd INSTANTLY feel remorse and guilt, and I would feel horrible that I caused someone I love pain.

    If you shoved someone so they hit their head and hurt themselves, and you displayed absolutely no remorse and continued to steal their car, what does that say? That A. They intended to hurt you, or B. They don't give a toss that they caused you pain.

    Neither one is better than the other.

    I also highly doubt that stealing a car is on the same level as a friend taking a CD or scratching a PS game. Especially when they steal your car to deliberate attempt to control your actions.

    Slightly concerning that you find this behaviour acceptable.

    Just seems obvious to me that his intent was to get at the keys.
    I seriously don't think he meant to hurt her.

    The OP said he went for the keys and they started struggling. During the struggle she then got pushed into a wall and banged her head. It seems like things were pretty heated before the struggle, perhaps that's why he just bailed without checking on her head first.

    You said he didn't care. but eventually he came back crying and with flowers. Sounds like he may have cared to me. Was this an act? were his tears fake? ....

    and no I don't think his behavior was acceptable, but as this is the first time it has happened [they've been together 3+ years] and as imo he did not intend to injure her ....I would perhaps give the guy a second chance.

    and comparing a brother/sister or stealing stuff off you/friend damaging your property to a bf deliberately taking your car without permission from you was meant to convey that although what the brother/sister/friend did was technically a crime ....you probably wouldn't take it as far as the police due to the fact you actually know them.

    If for example a random stranger stole your CD, most people would report that.
    If for example your kid Sister stole your CD very few people would report that.

    Her car got taken without permission, - technically it's a crime
    but some random stranger didn't do it, it was her bf.
 
 
 
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