I feel like I'm being punished for having a boyfriend at uni Watch

Insanespana
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#61
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#61
(Original post by *Lou*)
:ditto:

Ok, as you haven't written much about the whole situation, there are two possibilities.

First - if your friends are excluding you ONLY because of the fact that you don't spend the weekends at Uni., I can totally understand you and you need to find better friends. Simple as that.

Second - if you are one of those who don't spend any quality time with their friends and talk 24/7 only about your boyfriend, I can see why they want to exclude you. I had quite few "friends" that suddenly, when they got into a relationship, totally disappeared - didn't want to go out anymore, do any other stuff we used to do or do anything at all, simply because now they had a boyfriend. You aren't being punished for having a bf, you are being "punished" for not having time for friends. What I don't understand is, why are this kind of people assuming that they will still have friends after not being there for them for so long.
I suppose I would say I'm a mixture of the two. When I first came to uni, I tried my best to be involved in everything with everyone, went out as much as I could stand in freshers week, would talk to people whenever I could etc etc. I would happily go in and talk to one of my flat mates in their rooms, but it got to the point where I felt like I was intruding. They would have mad weekends with endless gossip about what so and so did, and as I wasn't there I couldn't really join in with the conversation. And then they got friendly with other people who I hardly know (from meeting them on nights out), and they go over to each others flats and stay in their rooms so I'm sort of cut out from it all. So now I've got to the point where I just stay in my room because no one seems to want to talk to me, even when I initiate conversation. Apparently because I don't go out, I have nothing in common with any of them...
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(Original post by Insanespana)
If all you want to do is insult me and tell me how boring I am can you just leave this thread alone please. It's horrible being mean to me like that, I do have feelings you know, all I'm asking is for some people to understand.
:woo:
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Trigger
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(Original post by suicidal_dream)
did i even say that?!
I dislike the university attitude of many of the students ive met. And have somehow never connected with people here... so its not that i want to be at home together, its the fact that I've not met people who I am comfortable with here. It appears you have no experience of being unhappy at uni.
I quit uni because i was unhappy :confused:
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Trigger
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(Original post by Insanespana)
Apparently because I don't go out, I have nothing in common with any of them...
Well DUH
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Grapevine
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(Original post by Insanespana)
Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.
A) they probably don't think that strongly about it, you probably just think they do and B) For most people, uni is about having a fresh start, gaining some independence etc. so I can see why people might think it is slightly "odd" to go home every weekend even if you have a valid reason to do so.

I do it because my boyfriend's back home, and it's not all that far away so it's easily done (especially as often he'll come and pick me up). As I'm not around at the weekend this means that I miss all the "big" nights out. Which personally I couldn't give a damn about, I'm not a fan of going out - especially without my boyfriend. So I don't go out in the week as it exhausts me, and I just feel crap that my boyfriend isn't there.
I think you need to realise that your boyfriend isn't the only person you should have in your life. Why not try and make friends and have a good time without having him by your side all the time? Having only your boyfriend in your circle of friends isn't healthy in the long run.

Don't get me wrong, I love my degree. And I enjoy living independently. It's just that because I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, I don't go out with my course mates or my flat mates. And this means that they've all sorted out who they're living with next year and placing deposits on houses and I'm just left out of the picture.
OK, so you don't go out with your course/flat mates, and you seem fairly distanced from them, yet you expect them to include you in their housing plans for the next year? Right.

I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?
It's a two way thing really. If you don't show an interest in someone, then they won't show an interest in you. Think about it.

Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.
I think you're the one doing the "excluding", actually. You go home every weekend to see your boyfriend, and you don't go out with them.
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*Lou*
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(Original post by Insanespana)
I suppose I would say I'm a mixture of the two. When I first came to uni, I tried my best to be involved in everything with everyone, went out as much as I could stand in freshers week, would talk to people whenever I could etc etc. I would happily go in and talk to one of my flat mates in their rooms, but it got to the point where I felt like I was intruding. They would have mad weekends with endless gossip about what so and so did, and as I wasn't there I couldn't really join in with the conversation. And then they got friendly with other people who I hardly know (from meeting them on nights out), and they go over to each others flats and stay in their rooms so I'm sort of cut out from it all. So now I've got to the point where I just stay in my room because no one seems to want to talk to me, even when I initiate conversation. Apparently because I don't go out, I have nothing in common with any of them...
What I'd do in this position, and of course only if you do care about them, try to talk to them as much as possible, let them know you are interested in them and what had been going on during the weekend even if you weren't a part of it. Try to ask them out/do stuff with them during week (lunch, coffee, etc.). Show them that you do care about your friendship. The week has 5 days and the weekend only 2, there are loads of things that you and your friends can do in those 5 days that can't be simply overweight by the 2 days of the weekend.
If you don't really care, then you can always try to meet new people. I'm sure there are loads who don't enjoy only going out on the weekends. Just be careful that in the end you won't end up alone.
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airoutmyshorts
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People aren't being mean to you, they're being realistic.

Having a partner is great - you need to prioritise them, to a degree, yes. However, you also need to give your friends some time of day. If your boyfriend suddenly said to you, "Sorry, I'm going out with the boys" every weekend and never saw you, wouldn't you be hurt and offended by that?

I'm not judging, I know how great a good relationship is, but statistically relationships don't last, and I spent all my time with my girlfriend of 1/2 years and neglected my friends... I was just lucky they were there when it all ended. I'm not saying you're not totally committed to this guy either and that you won't stay together and be merry yadayadayada... all I'm saying is think. Put yourself in your friends' positions and you'll see what the answer is... spend more time with them, even if it's only one night a fortnight.
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suicidal_dream
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(Original post by Trigger)
I quit uni because i was unhappy :confused:
i apologize then!! =] sorry! but i stayed because of my course - everything else i disliked, and still do!
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Ytsrik
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(Original post by Insanespana)
Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.

I do it because my boyfriend's back home, and it's not all that far away so it's easily done (especially as often he'll come and pick me up). As I'm not around at the weekend this means that I miss all the "big" nights out. Which personally I couldn't give a damn about, I'm not a fan of going out - especially without my boyfriend. So I don't go out in the week as it exhausts me, and I just feel crap that my boyfriend isn't there.

Don't get me wrong, I love my degree. And I enjoy living independently. It's just that because I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, I don't go out with my course mates or my flat mates. And this means that they've all sorted out who they're living with next year and placing deposits on houses and I'm just left out of the picture.

I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?

Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.

Sorry, rant over...

let them moan as long as you are happy. Im living at home while im at uni simply because i want to see my bf when i can. Im like you and i wouldnt enjoy a night out without him. Everyone goes to uni for different reason some go for the big nites out others simply the course!

talk them people about housing next year - if your firends wont help you there are always others in the same situation who you would be better off living with!!
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AmberB
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Hey, unlike a lot of people posting in this thread, I, on the other hand think you have every right to be annoyed at your friends. I don't think you've done a single thing wrong and I can't understand what people are saying on this thread.. You spend all week with your friends at uni, so what's the problem in going home at the weekends in order to see your boyfriend? I know I certainly would if I was in your position.
In fact, I can go one step further- I actually quit uni, to go to a local uni, in order to be near my boyfriend of 3 years. I don't care what people think of me because of it- I hold my head up high. I don't regret a single thing in my decision- I'm now renting a place with my boyfriend and it is so much better than being in halls. I hated the uni life.
Now I have the best of both worlds- I have local friends, at my local uni, see them every day, AND get to see my boyfriend. It's a good balance.
I think that's what you need to do- get to see your friends more during the week; arrange to go out with them when you can, so that weekends are free for you and your boyfriend.
Anyway back to the point- I can completely understand why you feel that way. Everytime I went out with friends at uni I'd always be thinking about my boyfriend, and how much better it'd be if he were there. I'm not one for going out every night and clubbing all the time. I'd much prefer to sit in and have a quiet night in, either with mates or the boyfriend. So don't listen to people who are saying you're boring or it's your fault your friends are acting this way- it isn't. It's them with the problem not you. As I said, I don't think you've done anything wrong and they're obviously being very harsh on you. Of course you want to see your boyfriend occasionally- he's special to you, so why on earth would you pass up seeing him to stay with your friends who you've already spent the whole week with?
Anyway, sorry if this was a complete waffle, but feel free to PM me about it, as I've been in your position (pretty much anyway!) so I know how you feel to an extent. And don't listen to them- you're definitely not in the wrong for doing that. Keep seeing your boyfriend as much as you can- he's just as important as friends. You never know what will happen in the future and he could turn out to be the love of your life- so make the most of the time you do have with him, don't pass it up to go drinking or clubbing.
As for your friends, I agree that maybe you could bring him up to your uni occasionally to meet them, so then you have best of both worlds. And make the most of the time you have with friends when you're with them. But make them realise you need to spend quality time with him too. Again, sorry for the ramble but I hope it helped..
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nicky507
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Why don't you introduce your bf to your friends at uni?
That way he could come down for a weekend every now and again, meaning you could see him and spend time with your friends. I have a friend, she is one of my best friends here i think, and she is exactly the same as you, but her bf stays here just as often as she goes home, we all know him and we can all hang out together in a group.
It works out better for everyone really, unless oyu are the type of couple that can't go out with other people and not be all over each other. But that is a whole other issue really.
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First: Sorry for the long post!

Secondly: I do not mean to offend anyone. These are my views!

Thirdly: AmberB - I've replied to you below!

Fourthly: Hey Insanespana!

(Original post by Insanespana)
Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.

I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?

Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.

Sorry, rant over...
I've answered a lot of this in my reply to AmberB (I wrote that reply first since I found it an easier structure to reply to!).

First thing you have to remember about uni is that - for the majority of people at leaast - it's not just about studying. It's also about expanding your social skills. I'd say it's easily half and half in the grand scheme of things. OK, so you may know everything about your subject. Great! But without social skills you're not going to get far. Employers look for people who can talk to and work with others. Same goes with friendships to be honest. I'm NOT calling you socially inept by any means... but you may appear to lack certain social skills to your friends.
I mean, imagine you'd just met an awesome person who you think will be an awesome friend. You don't get to see / speak to them as much as you'd like during the week. They seem like they wouldn't mind hanging out with you too. So you look forward to the weekend when you can talk to them properly. But they disappear. You don't mention anything cos you guess it's a one-off thing or something, so find something else to do and other people to talk to. Again, during the week, you say "hi" and stuff, but can't really talk to them / hang out with them as you'd like. But the next weekend they're not there. They're never there at weekends, but there's not too much chance during the week to talk to them, so you can't really find out what they do at home or how they feel. Instead, you've got to know the people you can and do talk to at weekends really well and they have similar interests. What do you do?
The majority of people - even if only subconsciously - decide that the person who goes home every weekend isn't really that bothered about them and so become less bothered about them.
All relationships - including friendships - work 2 ways - both parties need to put the effort in. Going home every single weekend is as effective as saying "you fill in the gaps until I can see my boyfriend again". Sounds harsh, but I'm afraid to some degree it's true


(Original post by AmberB)
Hey, unlike a lot of people posting in this thread, I, on the other hand think you have every right to be annoyed at your friends. I don't think you've done a single thing wrong and I can't understand what people are saying on this thread.. You spend all week with your friends at uni, so what's the problem in going home at the weekends in order to see your boyfriend? I know I certainly would if I was in your position.
I think that's what you need to do- get to see your friends more during the week; arrange to go out with them when you can, so that weekends are free for you and your boyfriend.
Anyway, sorry if this was a complete waffle, but feel free to PM me about it, as I've been in your position (pretty much anyway!) so I know how you feel to an extent. And don't listen to them- you're definitely not in the wrong for doing that. Keep seeing your boyfriend as much as you can- he's just as important as friends. You never know what will happen in the future and he could turn out to be the love of your life- so make the most of the time you do have with him, don't pass it up to go drinking or clubbing.
As for your friends, I agree that maybe you could bring him up to your uni occasionally to meet them, so then you have best of both worlds. And make the most of the time you have with friends when you're with them. But make them realise you need to spend quality time with him too. Again, sorry for the ramble but I hope it helped..
Hey, I really liked your post. Brought up a few good points. But I've highlighted a few things I (personally) disagree with and shall go through them in order. My point of view - like many people's - is that of a single person, and how I'd react to this.

1) I think there's being annoyed with friends, which happens, an having a right to be. I agree if they're really good friends then it shouldn't matter too much. But think of it from the friends point of view. Your flatmate / friends go to lectures and do work during the week. May go out a few times, but are conscious of having lectures and work to do for the next day. You look forward to the weekend when you can chill and relax. But there's someone missing. If one of your friends missed the nights where you got together and have fun with a group of you, how would you feel? Even if you'd seen them every day? Be honest!

2) I kinda touched on this in point one. Yes, you may see / spend time your friends every day during the week. But there's a difference between seeing and spending quality time with them. During the week I found / find that people have commitments in societies and stuff so are often out. There's always a chance they have work that needs doing, so can only go out / relax in one night a week. At the weekend, however, you don't have the obligation of lectures, so can spend more time sitting around and talking with each other. If someone goes home every weekend, you start to miss out on the main time you can spend with them. The boyfriend eventually sounds like an excuse to get away from them... Which now I think it is to an extent! (By that I mean that although she really does love her boyfriend - and I truely believe she does - she hasn't made connections with her flatmates / friends and now needs a reason to get away from them because she can't talk to them)

3) This can be easier said than done - people have commitments during the week. OK, so you can miss one social, or one dance lesson. But you can also miss one weekend at home every so often! I agree with arranging to do something together though!

4) I hate to say it, but the OP kinda is. BUT both sides are to a degree! As mentioned, going home every weekend gives the vibe that she doesn't want to be with her flatmates or friends. And to be honest, from what she's said, I agree with their view. If she does view them as immature, it WILL show. And by choosing the boyfriend EVERY weekend, it backs up the image that she doesn't want to be there. Who really wants to hang out with a person they feel doesn't really want to be there, but feels they have to be?

5) Spot on! One of my friends has her boyfriend at home - about 2 hours drive away. He's an apprentice (no1 in Wales :rolleyes: ) so works full time. However, she goes home once a month or so to see him, and he comes up once a month or so to see her. They're very much in love, and it works! This is possibly the best solution... if she really can't survive not seeing her boyfriend, then maybe going to a uni where she wouldn't be able to live at home / with her boyfriend may not have been the right choice in the firstplace. However, getting him to spend the weekend once a month or so (even going home the other 3) is a bit of a nice comprimise... it makes friends feel that she does want to be with them, and introducing someone from home always means something I find! Then again, if the OP spends all her time in her room / with him alone, then that kinda defeats the point!

Like I said, well put, but I think you need to realise that weekends tend to be the main time that people can relax at uni and missing the weekends means missing a huge amount of bonding time!

Someone said to me before I started uni that if you're really going to go home at weekends, don't do it for the first month or two. Otherwise you lose a chance to make friends that you'll never get back. I have to agree!




Disclaimer:
I am a singleton. I have always been a singleton. I do not know of this "love" you speak of. Therefore my views are biased. My apologies.
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***amy***
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(Original post by AmberB)
Hey, unlike a lot of people posting in this thread, I, on the other hand think you have every right to be annoyed at your friends. I don't think you've done a single thing wrong and I can't understand what people are saying on this thread.. You spend all week with your friends at uni, so what's the problem in going home at the weekends in order to see your boyfriend? I know I certainly would if I was in your position.
In fact, I can go one step further- I actually quit uni, to go to a local uni, in order to be near my boyfriend of 3 years. I don't care what people think of me because of it- I hold my head up high. I don't regret a single thing in my decision- I'm now renting a place with my boyfriend and it is so much better than being in halls. I hated the uni life.
Now I have the best of both worlds- I have local friends, at my local uni, see them every day, AND get to see my boyfriend. It's a good balance.
I think that's what you need to do- get to see your friends more during the week; arrange to go out with them when you can, so that weekends are free for you and your boyfriend.
Anyway back to the point- I can completely understand why you feel that way. Everytime I went out with friends at uni I'd always be thinking about my boyfriend, and how much better it'd be if he were there. I'm not one for going out every night and clubbing all the time. I'd much prefer to sit in and have a quiet night in, either with mates or the boyfriend. So don't listen to people who are saying you're boring or it's your fault your friends are acting this way- it isn't. It's them with the problem not you. As I said, I don't think you've done anything wrong and they're obviously being very harsh on you. Of course you want to see your boyfriend occasionally- he's special to you, so why on earth would you pass up seeing him to stay with your friends who you've already spent the whole week with?
Anyway, sorry if this was a complete waffle, but feel free to PM me about it, as I've been in your position (pretty much anyway!) so I know how you feel to an extent. And don't listen to them- you're definitely not in the wrong for doing that. Keep seeing your boyfriend as much as you can- he's just as important as friends. You never know what will happen in the future and he could turn out to be the love of your life- so make the most of the time you do have with him, don't pass it up to go drinking or clubbing.
As for your friends, I agree that maybe you could bring him up to your uni occasionally to meet them, so then you have best of both worlds. And make the most of the time you have with friends when you're with them. But make them realise you need to spend quality time with him too. Again, sorry for the ramble but I hope it helped..
I actually agree with all this BUT I think you're slightly missing the point that a lot of people are making. I never suggested she was boring for not wanting to go out clubbing, but she says she doesn't see her friends during the week, she hardly talks to them! And is then complaining they don't want to live with her...

OP I actually think it's a bit of a vicious cycle. If you like these people, could you not try and get involved in the weekend gossip a little bit? Make out like you're interested in their lives? When someone goes home a lot it can seem like they don't want to spend time with you (if you're the one at uni) and the people at uni may feel you're rejecting them, so if you want to remain friends, you have to show them you're not.

Also is there nobody else with a boyfriend AT ALL at your uni?! Half my friends have boy/girlfriends, then you can chat about him without boring people and it might feel less like 2 separate lives. Also I really suggest bringing him up and taking him out at the weekend with you and your mates, sounds like a very good plan, have you ever tried that?

Finally if you actually don't like clubbing and that sort of thing at all, there will be lots of people who don't either - try to find them (through societies, your course, etc).
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***amy***
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(Original post by nicky507)
Why don't you introduce your bf to your friends at uni?
That way he could come down for a weekend every now and again, meaning you could see him and spend time with your friends. I have a friend, she is one of my best friends here i think, and she is exactly the same as you, but her bf stays here just as often as she goes home, we all know him and we can all hang out together in a group.
It works out better for everyone really, unless oyu are the type of couple that can't go out with other people and not be all over each other. But that is a whole other issue really.
:ditto:
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BeautifullyTragic
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If you want friends then you have to make an effort...

If you break up with your boyfriend then people will notice that suddenly you want to be their friend now. And they won't like it.
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(Original post by Insanespana)
Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.

I do it because my boyfriend's back home, and it's not all that far away so it's easily done (especially as often he'll come and pick me up). As I'm not around at the weekend this means that I miss all the "big" nights out. Which personally I couldn't give a damn about, I'm not a fan of going out - especially without my boyfriend. So I don't go out in the week as it exhausts me, and I just feel crap that my boyfriend isn't there.

Don't get me wrong, I love my degree. And I enjoy living independently. It's just that because I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, I don't go out with my course mates or my flat mates. And this means that they've all sorted out who they're living with next year and placing deposits on houses and I'm just left out of the picture.

I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?

Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.

Sorry, rant over...
If it's not that far, why can't he visit you? Apologies if that's been addressed, but it's the perfect solution./
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Darkened Angel
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(Original post by Insanespana)
Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.

I do it because my boyfriend's back home, and it's not all that far away so it's easily done (especially as often he'll come and pick me up). As I'm not around at the weekend this means that I miss all the "big" nights out. Which personally I couldn't give a damn about, I'm not a fan of going out - especially without my boyfriend. So I don't go out in the week as it exhausts me, and I just feel crap that my boyfriend isn't there.

Don't get me wrong, I love my degree. And I enjoy living independently. It's just that because I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, I don't go out with my course mates or my flat mates. And this means that they've all sorted out who they're living with next year and placing deposits on houses and I'm just left out of the picture.

I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?

Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.

Sorry, rant over...
You've got the weekdays to spend with them so tell them to chill out. I go home every weekend to see my family (occasionally I stay in uni though cause I'm busy). It hasn't really affected my social life. It can make me feel excluded at times as I don't really like going home so much but there's nothing I can do. You get used to it after a while so don't worry too much.

As an alternative you could invite your bf over for the weekend.
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Angelil
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I think a lot of people on here are right. You need a life outside of your boyfriend (and that doesn't have to mean clubbing - I can't stand it either!), and you need to realise that you can love someone desperately and still have your own friends and interests. I've been with my guy for just over four years, and we now live together. One thing our LDR was good for was making sure we maintained our own lives and personalities without becoming unhealthily absorbed by each other. You seem to think that obsession=love, when that simply isn't true. Good luck coping if/when the **** hits the fan.
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jquarrie
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well i cant say i'm in a similar position - in fact i wont be going to uni until this october - however i have been very worried over similar impacts of seeing my girlfriend back home every weekend - i don't want to be excluded, and similarly i love my girlfriend enough to WANT to spend my weekends with her - i don't think its obsessive behavior at all - i feel more mature in knowing i can be committed -

Fortunately in my case the solution has been that my girlfriend will come with me to university and we shall rent out an apartment together close to the city center and she will have better prospects of finding work - unfortunately i would be apt to assume this sort of solution would be helpful to yourself or others.
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Jelkin
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Report 9 years ago
#80
You sound pretty boring to me, to be honest. I know I'm judging from not much information, but frankly, when you say you can't even HAVE FUN without your boyfriend, that sounds boring. You don't go out ever because you miss your boyfriend. And you know what, "going out" doesn't HAVE to mean getting horribly drunk and clubbing, it can mean hanging at the pub or visiting friends. You don't even seem to do any of this.

It's laughable that you think people are wrong just because they don't have a serious relationship themselves. I have, and admittedly he's at uni, but in the holidays I go home and see my friends and have a great time. Over Christmas we could barely communicate because he was in Sweden and didn't have the internet, but I still went out with people and made the effort. You don't even seem to WANT to make the effort.

Finally, you are awfully judgemental yourself, whilst criticising others for judging you. You call your "friends" immature for wanting to go out and have fun in the evening when it's YOU moping around at home. This probably comes across in the way you react to their nights out and conversations about the weekend. (By the way, EVERYONE talks about stuff that happened at the weekend. Perfectly natural.)

Why doesn't your boyfriend visit you? You sound like you have an unhealthy dependence on him. my brother had a girlfriend throughout uni and they broke up just before he left, and now he doesn't keep in touch with anyone from uni and he regrets it. You don't want this to happen.

On the other hand, you're clearly not listening to anyone on here because you're too infatuated with your boyfriend, so just live in halls and don't bother with these "friends" anymore. You don't seem to have anything in common with them anyway.
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