Depression Society MkII Watch

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member101
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#8061
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#8061
(Original post by death.drop)
I'm basically going to repeat everything I said to james last night.

Jake is a different person now, he's moved on and come to terms with what he did, recognised that he's changed and is making a real go of his new life. You'd think this is a good thing but it isn't.
I don't want him to come to terms with it, to move on and forget about it because I can't do that. I can't suddenly become a different person like he can and I hate that. I want him to be stuck in a little hole like I am; with everything he ever did to me on a loop in my head.
I want to still be able to hate him, I don't want to see the good part of him grow because I loved that good part of him. It's taken me so long to stop relying on him and stop seeing him as a friend and this is going to **** it all up. I look at him now and I don't see a shred of the bad person he used to be, all I see is the person that supported me and loved me through it all. I want to look at him and see the person that hurt me, to be angry, to have someone left to be angry at other than myself
I hate the way he always says 'I'm sorry. there's no excuse for what I did", and then goes on to list all the excuses. I hate the way he makes it look so easy to change your life to be who and where you want to be. I hate that he can be happy now when he ruined my life, and contributed to the end of laura's. I hate that he's left me like this and the only lasting damage I've done to him is one scar. If anything this whole ordeal has made him turn his life around for the better, while it's made me too ****** to even try.

I hate the way that there's nothing anyone can say or do to help because it's all too late. I feel like everyone let me down. every single person. people either didn't notice, or they noticed that something was wrong and didn't do anything, or I outright told them and didn't do enough. then i hate myself for acting like it's their responsibility. I've just had so long of blaming myself, and trunks and dave affirming that didn't help at all. Now I'm blaming everyone else.

I'm seriously sorting out my funeral atm, because I think it's going to happen unless something big changes in the very near future. I wish someone would come along and kill me, then only a few people would have to know how bad I was feeling and the things that happened. I don't want everyone to think I killed myself because I was some moody teenager, but on the flipside I don't want them to know that I was raped and essentially tortured for years and it's affected me so much I no longer feel like there is anything left for me to live for.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

kudos to anyone who actually reads that. /i could really use a response as well today as yesterday i poured my heart out and all i got was "Just forget about him. You need to move on." and "if you stopped thinking about it all the time it would get better" (well duh)
Sounds like absolute ****, tbh. I kind of know, ever so slightly, how you feel. Obviously not exactly because everyone feels differently about things, even if experiences are identical.
I'd like to speak to you through MSN if that's okay with you? I'll PM you my email or you give me yours, whatever. I'm fine with talking through here too.
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Sabertooth
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#8062
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#8062
argh I can't concentrate at all on work. It's making me so frustrated then I can't concentrate more and I get even more frustrated. I can't even concentrate on reading posts here, it's ridiculous, I feel so stupid.

I was recommended by people on tsr to look for a house to live in next year rather than with my dad but at this rate I'm going to fail my exams then be stuck with a house and no university I hate this so much. I have an exam as soon as I get back but I can't do any work at all. How does everyone else here manage?
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Sabertooth
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#8063
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#8063
(Original post by sian_bedford)
:hugs: I know that feeling. I have to really get into something, find something you find very interesting no matter what it is and really try and focus on it. It sometimes works for me. Or to get motivated I run up and down the stairs for abit or watch a film or do a puzzle like a crossword or wordsearch.

Thanks so much for the other night, I don't know what would have happened if you weren't there.
That's part of the problem, I have no interest in anything anymore, especially not a course I hate but have exams in like a month in (have to get 2:1 to change course, it sucks). A crossword might work, or sodoku! I do like sodoku :p: I will try that then somehow switch my concentration to work. thanks.

No problem, I'm really pleased to have helped :hugs: how are you feeling today?
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Sabertooth
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#8064
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#8064
(Original post by sian_bedford)
It's worth a shot.
I am confused, hurt, upset (I feel like I am abut to burst into tears), I really want it back and i feel sick. Oh and I still have loads of work to do
How about you?
Do you know why you feel like that? Sometimes crying helps I find, rather than trying to hold everything in.

I'm just stressed from work, feeling down and useless.
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Sabertooth
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#8065
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#8065
(Original post by sian_bedford)
I have had a rocky day, a bit of a rollercoaster tbh. Am feeling really paranoid and really upset over the stupidest of things. I seem to be feeling a lot more pain than usual today and I have cried so much I don't think I have anymore tears left.
:hugs: Sorry to hear that, anything you want to talk about?
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death.drop
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#8066
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#8066
how is everyone today? after being very selfish and self absorbed i'm all set for listening.
think of me like a giant ear of love and support
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hbandtr4eva
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#8067
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#8067
It's two years. Two ******* years. This wasn't supposed to happen. I can remember exactly where I was this time last year. Why has he run away. Why did he leave me when I needed him more than I ever had. We were supposed to be together, I tried so hard and he still left. I don't care that I'm supposed to be getting over him, I love him so much. Knowing he's half an hour away from me and he doesn't want to see me breaks my heart. I know it sounds like I'm whingeing and I'm pathetic but it hurts. And it won't go away.
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Pocket Calculator
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#8068
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#8068
(Original post by hbandtr4eva)
It's two years. Two ******* years. This wasn't supposed to happen. I can remember exactly where I was this time last year.
oh god, i know that feeling. i spent half of last year thinking about all the amazing things i was doing exactly a year before. (i've managed however to largely replace pining for my ex to pining for another girl, is that good or bad?)

if i hadn't gone out to get some milk earlier i wouldn't have seen another human being the whole day. i'm the only person in this house at the moment, not working until tuesday. not really spoken to anyone on the net today, either. the anxiety's building up again.
hopefully got a few friends coming round tomorrow evening. i just have to hold out until then.

hope you're all ok. i'm around for a chat until my battery runs out!
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hbandtr4eva
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#8069
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#8069
(Original post by Pocket Calculator)
oh god, i know that feeling. i spent half of last year thinking about all the amazing things i was doing exactly a year before. (i've managed however to largely replace pining for my ex to pining for another girl, is that good or bad?)

if i hadn't gone out to get some milk earlier i wouldn't have seen another human being the whole day. i'm the only person in this house at the moment, not working until tuesday. not really spoken to anyone on the net today, either. the anxiety's building up again.
hopefully got a few friends coming round tomorrow evening. i just have to hold out until then.

hope you're all ok. i'm around for a chat until my battery runs out!
I rang him. I wanted to talk to him. He didn't answer but he texted me saying he didn't have much signal and was I okay. I'm not okay, I just want to drive over to his house and make him talk to me. It's not going away, it's not getting better. Make it go away. Not being with him is breaking my heart. Make it stop. Please.
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Pocket Calculator
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#8070
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#8070
(Original post by hbandtr4eva)
I rang him. I wanted to talk to him. He didn't answer but he texted me saying he didn't have much signal and was I okay. I'm not okay, I just want to drive over to his house and make him talk to me. It's not going away, it's not getting better. Make it go away. Not being with him is breaking my heart. Make it stop. Please.
i don't know what to say or how to help. starting to think that our experiences haven't been as similar as i thought. maybe the fact that i completely lost contact with my ex was a good thing, forced me to at least attempt to move on.

you need to see some friends tonight, or at least speak to someone that isn't him.
do you have anyone else you can talk to or see tonight?
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blackfish
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#8071
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#8071
I hate my life so much sometimes!

My Boss invited me to a party tonight! I don't have a social life so I thought great i'll go. Briefly mentioned it to my parents who said discuss it later. They would normally approve because they know my boss, know where the party is, know i'm sensible and I hardly ever ask to go out at night. Well, anyway my parents went to a wedding party tonight and because I was busy with my computers I forgot to speak to them. Leaving my Grandparents to babysit. I approached them and said I was going out this evening, planning to cycle there and then cycle back in the morning. I was met with a frosty response of "Don't do this to us" I said i'd phone Dad. My Nan said no as my parents don't get time out by themselves in the evenings. Which, yes is fair enough...

Except it isn't. I never go out and socialise in the evenings, I have very little friends, I don't have a gf. So basically I lead a really boring life and sometimes wonder why I carry on. My grandparents called me a coward for not asking my Dad before he left. Why would I be a coward if I had transport arranged and the last outing was approved??

Words cannot begin to express how i'm feeling right now, would have been much better off staying at my flat. My life is quite frankly boring, i'm getting no enjoyment from it and i'm p***ed off with it! I'm becoming so isolated I cannot even bear being in the same room as people having a happy conversation. My friends all have good social networks and partners and I have nothing. I hate myself so much and everyone around me hates me as well! I might as well go to bed because nothing else is happening tonight.

I'm also really annoyed with my laptop because the DVD RW drive on it has broken! Why can I never have something and it just work?? GRRRRR!!!!!! :rant:
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FizzBitch
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#8072
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#8072
(Original post by Pocket Calculator)
(i've managed however to largely replace pining for my ex to pining for another girl, is that good or bad?)
I have a habit of doing that too. It's good at first, because you think it might work out with the new person so you feel a bit more positive, but then if it doesn't work out the cycle just continues...sighh
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Bangers+Mash
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#8073
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#8073
(Original post by sian_bedford)
Does anyone else get this? They start to feel a little better, there is a glimmer of hope. Then suddenly it all comes crashing down again and you end up in a worse place than when you started off. Currently I am lying in bed in floods of tears and I am so confused and hurt. Yet again I am struggling to see the point. I really want to go to sleep and never wake up, that way I don't have to put up with this rollercoaster anymore.
Yes all the time.
It is so frustrating and demoralising.
:hugs: I hope you feel better soon, maybe sleep on it and see how you are in the morning.
If you need to talk you can here
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Bangers+Mash
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#8074
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#8074
(Original post by sian_bedford)
Am not sure I can talk about anything anymore. I just hurt so many people. And I end up in so much pain sobbing my heart out and can't sleep or think about anything else. I just want to scream and throw things and hurt myself so much because it may just make me feel better.
Yeah I've been there, and it is horrible
But acting out or hurting yourself really wont make you feel better, because eventually it will just tumble back down on you again.
All you can do is take everyday at a time and get through things as best you can.
Talking to people does help, and is far safer than other methods of relief.

At times for me it feels as though no matter what I do, things are always crap. But every so often, things are alright for a short while, even if it is an hour. You just have to make the most of that time and deal with the bad times when they come.

Maybe you could just put some music on/or read and try and sleep, things usually feel better the next day.
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jonathan122
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#8075
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#8075
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/20...patient-safety

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rxw09
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#8076
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#8076
(Original post by Pocket Calculator)

if i hadn't gone out to get some milk earlier i wouldn't have seen another human being the whole day. i'm the only person in this house at the moment, not working until tuesday. not really spoken to anyone on the net today, either. the anxiety's building up again.
hopefully got a few friends coming round tomorrow evening. i just have to hold out until then.

hope you're all ok. i'm around for a chat until my battery runs out!
Its so weird, thats exactly what I am like and how I feel. I always thought I was alone with this. Like some weirdo freak who doesnt see anyone or speak to them. Its the most depressing thing in the world, going for a whole day and not speaking to anyone. Just makes the whole process of life pointless.

At least it sounds like you have friends which is somewhere to start at least. People on my course, all 15 of them seem to get genuine pleasure from *****ing and gossiping and constantly trying to outdo each other. Not a nice environment. I just want a normal conversation without it drifting into talking about someone else's failures or weaknesses. Had a counselling session at uni and this is helping a little though. trying to find a job for the summer now also, so at least I can meet some more people that way.

glad I found this site and post. Its a relief to know that I'm not the only one like this.
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vapid slut magician
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#8077
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#8077
(Original post by Pocket Calculator)

if i hadn't gone out to get some milk earlier i wouldn't have seen another human being the whole day.
People are over rated, I don't see humans for days on end sometimes, I really couldn't care less.
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death.drop
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#8078
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#8078
I had a really bad morning at work. Basically they told me I should take some time out to get myself sorted out. I was fine until they said Mike had told them I've got some problems and that they're all there to talk if I want to. Then Michelle said that she's known I haven't been happy for a few months now and that was it. Started crying. Feel like a ****.
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Malsy
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#8079
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#8079
(Original post by vapid slut magician)
People are over rated, I don't see humans for days on end sometimes, I really couldn't care less.

:ditto:

i barely see sunlight tbh-unless it's outside{coming in?} my window
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Dadeling
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#8080
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#8080
(Original post by vapid slut magician)
People are over rated, I don't see humans for days on end sometimes, I really couldn't care less.
I wish I could lock myself away and never see people ever again. No one understands and I feel so fake pretending to be happy all the time around other people. I'm going back to uni on Thursday and I can't wait cause no one will be in my block in halls. I'll only have to see people when I take in my CBR check forms and to find some past exam papers in the library. Good times :o:

How is everyone? I haven't been on here for a bit.
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