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    I've hit rock bottom again tonight. Don't know how I can cope.
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    Been feeling proper **** recently but worried its physical related not mental as life seems ok currently.


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    today went surprisingly well.
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    ok so you guys don't know me because i haven't posted at all on this thread yet but i honestly don't know where else to go. so if you don't read i understand
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    i can feel myself spinning in a downward spiral of hatred. i'm starting to get into the mood of absolutely hating myself and i'm finally admitting to myself that it's all because of jealousy. i'm jealous of people i know and yes i know i shouldn't be but i can't help it and it gets to me so much, it makes myself feel worthless and useless and then i act mean to people because of this so it makes me a ***** and i wish i could just be a nice, care-free, confident person like i was six months ago. instead now i'm so insecure and i've ended up just relapsing twice and no-one knows about it because i don't want people to think i'm bad again. i don't want to be bad again, i don't want to be like this.

    i don't want my parents or anyone irl to know (although i've only told one person bc she saw me when i was having a breakdown) because they'll just keep me in counselling which, ever since january, has done NOTHING to help me since my old counsellor left. they put me on this 8 week course about controlling negative thoughts and stuff but it doesn't work at all - i hate structured stuff, & my previous counselling sessions were fab bc we could just talk about anything that i needed to talk about at that time, if anything had happened. and she had a genuine interest in my life and she made me actually want to talk to someone. now the sessions are focused elsewhere, on stuff that's not actually affecting me ever since we started the sessions. and my new counsellor doesn't give a damn about anything in my life. whenever i talk about something she'll acknowledge it and then go, "alright, can we move on to the session now?" and it's ****. on top of this, i've been missing school so frequently because it's 'recommended' that we had the sessions weekly, so i've been missing lessons because of that along with orthodontist appointments and music lessons. and my teachers got rly curious about it which led to my mum telling one of the worst teachers she could ever tell about counselling and it just created more **** in my life.

    so i don't know where to go. i don't know how to stop being jealous of people, i don't know how to gain my confidence back, i don't know who to talk to because i'm leaving the counselling service soon anyway because i've turned 16, i don't want to tell anyone else because it's just another sign that i'm getting worse and i don't want to fall into the trap of expecting to get worse.

    if you read this then thank you and i just need all the advice i can get. but i seriously doubt anyone's going to read this because no-one knows me here.
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    (Original post by rmhumphries)
    You could post in Ask a Community Team member and they can help you gain access to your old account.
    I only really post here and the odd occasion in my uni's forum so I'm not too fussed - cheers though
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    :cry2:
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    (Original post by ladyrailly)
    ok so you guys don't know me because i haven't posted at all on this thread yet but i honestly don't know where else to go. so if you don't read i understand
    (tw)
    Spoiler:
    Show
    i can feel myself spinning in a downward spiral of hatred. i'm starting to get into the mood of absolutely hating myself and i'm finally admitting to myself that it's all because of jealousy. i'm jealous of people i know and yes i know i shouldn't be but i can't help it and it gets to me so much, it makes myself feel worthless and useless and then i act mean to people because of this so it makes me a ***** and i wish i could just be a nice, care-free, confident person like i was six months ago. instead now i'm so insecure and i've ended up just relapsing twice and no-one knows about it because i don't want people to think i'm bad again. i don't want to be bad again, i don't want to be like this.

    i don't want my parents or anyone irl to know (although i've only told one person bc she saw me when i was having a breakdown) because they'll just keep me in counselling which, ever since january, has done NOTHING to help me since my old counsellor left. they put me on this 8 week course about controlling negative thoughts and stuff but it doesn't work at all - i hate structured stuff, & my previous counselling sessions were fab bc we could just talk about anything that i needed to talk about at that time, if anything had happened. and she had a genuine interest in my life and she made me actually want to talk to someone. now the sessions are focused elsewhere, on stuff that's not actually affecting me ever since we started the sessions. and my new counsellor doesn't give a damn about anything in my life. whenever i talk about something she'll acknowledge it and then go, "alright, can we move on to the session now?" and it's ****. on top of this, i've been missing school so frequently because it's 'recommended' that we had the sessions weekly, so i've been missing lessons because of that along with orthodontist appointments and music lessons. and my teachers got rly curious about it which led to my mum telling one of the worst teachers she could ever tell about counselling and it just created more **** in my life.

    so i don't know where to go. i don't know how to stop being jealous of people, i don't know how to gain my confidence back, i don't know who to talk to because i'm leaving the counselling service soon anyway because i've turned 16, i don't want to tell anyone else because it's just another sign that i'm getting worse and i don't want to fall into the trap of expecting to get worse.

    if you read this then thank you and i just need all the advice i can get. but i seriously doubt anyone's going to read this because no-one knows me here.
    Welcome to MHSS and sorry to hear of what brings you here :hugs: :console: :sadnod: But hi anyway :hi: I'm Shan, the resident goathed :musicus:

    I read your whole post and my instant thought upon reading the first bit was "CBT" but it sounds like you're kinda being given that but that it's not working well for you, for whatever reason. So I dunno what else to suggest But just wanted to quote you to welcome you and let you know that I *DID* read your post :yep:

    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Thanks but I really don't think so. I make exceedingly poor life choices. I dropped out of my first university then went to another to do a degree I was interested in but ultimately doesn't really lead anywhere. I got a **** grade because of my mental health so thought I'd do a masters to make up for it. So I did, the subject being one that I thought would help me accomplish my dream. Only problem is that it's my dream to be a police officer - I think everyone here can tell I'm never going to be able to do that. So anyway since my masters ended I've done nothing. Absolutely **** all. I spend all day on TSR with occasional gym breaks. I can't even pretend my mental health is getting any better. My degrees are worthless. I really wish I'd done something practical like plumbing or nursing, something where I could get a job despite everything.

    Sorry for the length, but yeah, that's how I wasted 7 years.
    Your degrees weren't a waste - they are proof of your strength of character and your general AWESOMENESS that you kept going and fought through everything. It's like a battle scar, in a way :yep:

    Thanks for the messages of support btw

    :hugs:

    (Original post by moment of truth)
    There were way too many people in London today, but I didn't actually feel anxious or that people were looking so it was alright

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    There are way too many people in London everyday, but GO YOU for managing it. I avoid Central London at night coz even though it's beautiful, there are too many people and I get scared And I'm a native Londoner!
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    :cry2:
    :console: hope you're okay!
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    Also apologies to everyone who I haven't quoted personally to offer support to - been up since 5.45am this morning and am knackered, plus still hypervigilant and dissociated and kept thinking I saw E all over London on the way back :facepalm:
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    I dont want to do this anymore. :cry2:
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    I'm worrying how I'm going to cope at home during the 3.5 months of summer when 2-3 days did my head in

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    hahaha i got 47% on a piece of course work which is 25% of my grade for that module

    cant stop crying this is just not what i needed right now
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Your degrees weren't a waste - they are proof of your strength of character and your general AWESOMENESS that you kept going and fought through everything. It's like a battle scar, in a way :yep:

    Thanks for the messages of support btw

    :hugs:
    If I climbed into the tiger enclosure at the zoo I'd probably get some groovy scars too, doesn't mean it's any less of a stupid thing to do (sorry this is meant to be tongue in cheek not ungrateful meanie ). I do see your point just I don't see how the degrees help me get anywhere. I would actually like to do some course and learn skills but I feel like I'm too old, I don't know that I'd enjoy it, and it'll be expensive and I already owe a lot of money.

    No problem, just glad to hear things went well for you. Maybe have an early night (well earlyish...)?
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    Hei there,
    doing fine, but having problems with my prohject, dropping it or not ... thus ... ...ahhhhhhhhhhhh...why again
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    taking a break, guys. be safe and well.
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    There are way too many people in London everyday, but GO YOU for managing it. I avoid Central London at night coz even though it's beautiful, there are too many people and I get scared And I'm a native Londoner!
    Thank you yeah, had to go cause my mum booked some theatre tickets so had no choice, but I wasn't expecting it to be as busy as it was :eek: was surprised that I felt alright.

    Glad to hear your trip went well :hugs:
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
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    I'm sure that's not the case. You're a fighter and you've never let your illnesses defeat you yet, so don't let them win now!
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Your degrees weren't a waste - they are proof of your strength of character and your general AWESOMENESS that you kept going and fought through everything. It's like a battle scar, in a way :yep:
    Battle Scar degree ... somehow I know that!

    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    If I climbed into the tiger enclosure at the zoo I'd probably get some groovy scars too, doesn't mean it's any less of a stupid thing to do (sorry this is meant to be tongue in cheek not ungrateful meanie ). I do see your point just I don't see how the degrees help me get anywhere. I would actually like to do some course and learn skills but I feel like I'm too old, I don't know that I'd enjoy it, and it'll be expensive and I already owe a lot of money.
    Totally get the unmotivating thing about a battle scar degree...it is not you walk around with a medal. (Though probably no one is happy he had to fight that hard, even if it is admired. Everyone would have prefered not to.)

    And you are never to old to learn new skills! Most people who think they are to old regret it later... I have no idea how it works with apprenticeships and things like that in the US, but it is worth to have a look. Maybe there is something for you?
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    (Original post by ScaryScience)
    taking a break, guys. be safe and well.
    You leave TSR?
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    (Original post by ScaryScience)
    taking a break, guys. be safe and well.
    you too Scary! hopefully you come back safe & well yourself! :hugs:
 
 
 
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