Depression Society MkII Watch

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Dalimyr
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#821
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#821
:bawling: Argh, why won't the torture end????? Every day I get visions in my head of writing a final farewell to my closest friends, and an urge to kill myself...and it's getting stronger and stronger


Dad walked in on me last night as I ran a wet knife along my trouser leg because there were no towels handy to dry it. He asked what I was doing, I explained and he said it looked like I was trying to cut myself (or told me to be careful not to cut myself...he mumbles a lot, so I'm not entirely sure what he said, but it was something along those lines, anyway). Truth is that if I could put up with the pain, I probably would cut myself; slit my wrists again but make sure the cut was deep enough this time that it'd finish me off. At times it seems as though every day is a living nightmare, and I'd do anything to escape it even if it meant taking my own life. It's not like many people would miss me. Ever seen The Net, with Sandra Bullock? I'm essentially like her. My whole life is a set of 1s and 0s on the internet; in the real world I'm a ghost...in August I'll have lived in this town for five years and I don't know a single person here bar my parents and the elderly couple next door. Pretty much the only other person in town who knows who I am is my hairdresser, and I've only ever seen her three or four times.
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starchild
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#822
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#822
(Original post by bitterendx)
who was Esther? :/

that was a really lovely thing to write. making me kinda sad/happy at the same time. x
Esther was one of my best friends for 10 years. She passed away on Sunday.
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raspberrybubbles
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#823
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(Original post by starchild)
This is what ive written for Esthers Eulogy, im going to tailor it later:

Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride. Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever gets annoyed. She never is resentful; is never glad with sin; she's always glad to side with truth, and pleased that truth shall win. This quote from Corinthians reminds me of Esther, her kind nature and the ability to be there for me and for others when they needed someone to talk to. Esther to me was more than amazing, she helped me blossom and helped me smile. There was always a smile when Esther was around, whether it was the people around her who smiled or it was her, smiling in greeting.
She had a fascination for Lord of the Rings, and Pirates of the Caribbean, and we spent many long hours watching them, talking about them and just fantasising what it would be like to meet some of the actors. She loved the Simpsons, and again watching them for hours laughing with her was an amazing experience. When we last met, we watched an episode, and it was good to see her glowing with laughter, like so many times before.
I remember playing music with Esther, it was first the recorder when we played that in the first term of year 7 in Hornsey and that carried on. Every Tuesday we would meet with other people and play lovely music, from Mozart to the old folk piece. That carried on to when we played the clarinet, jazzing along in the wind band. Every Christmas, our band leader would give out a chocolate, and me and Esther would often swap, so I would get the chocolate truffle, because there were only 4 per box, and she knew I liked them. She instead got the mars, and we would sit there together, eating these small chocolates, smiling.
I remember other times, such as Esther’s baptism, it was a pleasure to attend. I remember wearing a colourful top which I believe was tie dye and a flowery skirt. I remember Esther going up in front of the gathered people, smiling. I remember sitting there, smiling because I was so proud of her, but also privileged that I was invited.
To me Esther, was someone who always smiled, it was a beautiful smile which lit up her face and her eyes. I remember when she got her A Level results, again smiling, and telling me she was off to America to go on her gap year, I was so jealous. Then a week later she was in the paper talking to journalists, a star to her family and friends but also in the media.
Esther told me about her time in the states when I last met her, and how once there was so much snow that it was deeper than anything she had seen in her time in London. She told me of where she worked and how that made her smile, and felt like she was helping people. She was going to go to Canterbury Christ Church, and study occupational therapy. She was going to continue helping people, and continue making people smile, just like she made me.
Esther to me was a fantastic person, with a heart of gold and the ability to make the world smile (if someone gave her the chance). She was selfless, kind, funny and a pleasure to know. Im so glad I knew her, because she made me smile and she still does. The memory of her smile, the memory of the hugs I would get every day. I will always remember her, and Im sure her memories will never fade because Esther, to me, meant so much, more than I could ever say.
Siti, that is amazing :hugs: It made me cry, you're really talented
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bitterendx
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#824
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#824
(Original post by starchild)
Esther was one of my best friends for 10 years. She passed away on Sunday.
oh thats horrible. hope your feeling okay. xx
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jonathan122
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#825
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(Original post by Dalimyr)
:bawling: Argh, why won't the torture end????? Every day I get visions in my head of writing a final farewell to my closest friends, and an urge to kill myself...and it's getting stronger and stronger


Dad walked in on me last night as I ran a wet knife along my trouser leg because there were no towels handy to dry it. He asked what I was doing, I explained and he said it looked like I was trying to cut myself (or told me to be careful not to cut myself...he mumbles a lot, so I'm not entirely sure what he said, but it was something along those lines, anyway). Truth is that if I could put up with the pain, I probably would cut myself; slit my wrists again but make sure the cut was deep enough this time that it'd finish me off. At times it seems as though every day is a living nightmare, and I'd do anything to escape it even if it meant taking my own life. It's not like many people would miss me. Ever seen The Net, with Sandra Bullock? I'm essentially like her. My whole life is a set of 1s and 0s on the internet; in the real world I'm a ghost...in August I'll have lived in this town for five years and I don't know a single person here bar my parents and the elderly couple next door. Pretty much the only other person in town who knows who I am is my hairdresser, and I've only ever seen her three or four times.
We would miss you :hugs:
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jonathan122
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#826
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#826
I can see happiness, but I can't get to it. Would feminism mind if I borrowed its glass ceiling metaphor?
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jonathan122
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#827
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#827
Until I had depression I didn't know what life was for, or how to be happy, or how to make others happy. I think I know now, but there are so many obstacles in the way, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth knowing what you want to do with your life if you end up friendless, hated and alone. Would it be better if I'd stayed shallow, and been happy with my shallow friends and gone on to do shallow things? I don't think so, but sometimes it's hard to convince myself.

:hugs:
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jonathan122
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#828
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#828
I remember Laus saying in one of her posts that she wouldn't wish depression on her worst enemy. I kinda feel that my worst enemy is exactly the sort of person I'd wish depression on - just temporarily, just so that they could get some perspective.
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upturnedpalms
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#829
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#829
(Original post by jonathan122)
I remember Laus saying in one of her posts that she wouldn't wish depression on her worst enemy. I kinda feel that my worst enemy is exactly the sort of person I'd wish depression on - just temporarily, just so that they could get some perspective.
This is always difficult for me, for whilst I wouldn't wish depression on anyone, I wish someone could know how I feel. In the last week of school, a teacher told me she had had depression. Long story short, I ended up sobbing in her arms and beginning to talk to her about some of the things I talk about with you guys, but it was in real life and she was absolutely brilliant about it. It made me realise how much I need that in real life, and for a minute I felt less alone. It was her last week in the job. She's left the school now, moved out of London.
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jonathan122
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#830
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#830
Dalimyr, are you feeling a bit better this morning? :hugs:
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Dalimyr
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#831
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#831
...for now, yes. I doubt it'll last, though Probably be miserable as sin in 12 hours.
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starchild
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#832
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#832
morning.
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jonathan122
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#833
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#833
Hi Siti, Dali, :hugs:
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*pink_sapphires*
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#834
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#834
Siti...your speech is beautiful. It made me all emotional. Esther must have been a pretty amazing person. It's so unfair that she's not here anymore But to quote Brian May "Only the good die young." She wasn't meant to be in this world. It wasn't good enough for her. She's somewhere better now sweetie, looking down on you and protecting you from all around. Here if you need me. I know what it's like to lose a close friend. :hugs:

Hannah...not spoken to you for a while. I'm glad your teacher was able to talk to you and make you feel slightly better. PM me for a chat if you like. We can catch up

Jonathan...sadly, I don't have any enemies (besides depression) so I can't say I'd wish it upon them as they don't exist. However, I see your point. Some people are so horrible and evil and they deserve this unhappiness much more than we do. How are you feeling at the minute?

Dali...I'm glad you didn't SH last night. We'd all miss you here. :hugs:

Hi to everyone else who I've not written messages to Hope you're all ok?

I'm feeling fine today. Going to dry my hair, remove my chipped nail varnish and repaint them a different colour and then tidy my room. I WILL get it done today! Going to bribe myself. If it's not done, I can't make my new board for all the postcards and things I want on my wall and I really want to do that! Also going to buy some chocolate but not until afterwards! Actually, I might not do the chocolate thing as I really do need to lose weight. Hmm..we'll see. Mum and I were meant to be going to Cambridge today but we decided not to in the end. Then we were going to go out for lunch today but she decided she didn't want to go as she needs to lose weight Bit disappointed as we never have time together really but never mind. Onto my daily chores! :hugs: to all
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jonathan122
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#835
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#835
Glad you're feeling fine Liz,
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jonathan122
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#836
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#836
(Original post by *pink_sapphires*)
Siti...your speech is beautiful. It made me all emotional. Esther must have been a pretty amazing person. It's so unfair that she's not here anymore But to quote Brian May "Only the good die young." She wasn't meant to be in this world. It wasn't good enough for her. She's somewhere better now sweetie, looking down on you and protecting you from all around. Here if you need me. I know what it's like to lose a close friend. :hugs:

Hannah...not spoken to you for a while. I'm glad your teacher was able to talk to you and make you feel slightly better. PM me for a chat if you like. We can catch up

Jonathan...sadly, I don't have any enemies (besides depression) so I can't say I'd wish it upon them as they don't exist. However, I see your point. Some people are so horrible and evil and they deserve this unhappiness much more than we do. How are you feeling at the minute?

Dali...I'm glad you didn't SH last night. We'd all miss you here. :hugs:

Hi to everyone else who I've not written messages to Hope you're all ok?

I'm feeling fine today. Going to dry my hair, remove my chipped nail varnish and repaint them a different colour and then tidy my room. I WILL get it done today! Going to bribe myself. If it's not done, I can't make my new board for all the postcards and things I want on my wall and I really want to do that! Also going to buy some chocolate but not until afterwards! Actually, I might not do the chocolate thing as I really do need to lose weight. Hmm..we'll see. Mum and I were meant to be going to Cambridge today but we decided not to in the end. Then we were going to go out for lunch today but she decided she didn't want to go as she needs to lose weight Bit disappointed as we never have time together really but never mind. Onto my daily chores! :hugs: to all
Surely this is a good thing?
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upturnedpalms
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#837
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#837
Hi pink :hugs: Glad you're doing okay.
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starchild
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#838
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#838
(Original post by *pink_sapphires*)
Siti...your speech is beautiful. It made me all emotional. Esther must have been a pretty amazing person. It's so unfair that she's not here anymore But to quote Brian May "Only the good die young." She wasn't meant to be in this world. It wasn't good enough for her. She's somewhere better now sweetie, looking down on you and protecting you from all around. Here if you need me. I know what it's like to lose a close friend. :hugs:
:hugs: youve made me more emotional. thankoo. where abouts do you live pet? x
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starchild
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#839
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#839
i dont feel like eating or moving today :cry: no energy. nothing in me feels happy.

rasberrybubbles, fantastic cookie. me and david enjoyed noming (eating) at it, super stuff. i ate most of it though :p: can i have the recipie. i'll read the letter later and reply.
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jonathan122
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#840
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#840
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