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    (Original post by 08batee)
    This is so sad. I'm so sorry :jumphug: Your father sounds like an absolutely wonderful amazing person. I often think people lie when they say things will get easier with time in situations like this, too. But it can get better and eventually the memories will become a little less painful to think about, honestly :jumphug: Im sure your father is so proud and is watching over you and will be there for you, forever :jumphug:


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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    :jumphug: :jumphug: :jumphug:
    Thank you both, sorry i'd write more but trying to focus on next weeks exams :hugs:

    (Original post by Yawn11)
    I know that feel bro
    I'm sorry to hear that :hugs:
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    Eurovision is cheering me up a bit, Finland especially did haha. I miss Terry Wogan's commentary, although Graham Norton is pretty funny in Eurovision himself.
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    (Original post by IDukem)
    Eurovision is cheering me up a bit, Finland especially did haha. I miss Terry Wogan's commentary, although Graham Norton is pretty funny in Eurovision himself.
    Graham norton is pretty hilarious, I'm just watching Britain got talent.


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    (Original post by Idle)
    Thank you both, sorry i'd write more but trying to focus on next weeks exams :hugs:



    I'm sorry to hear that :hugs:
    :hugs: Hope you're ok and good luck with your exams



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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry to trouble this thread but I was hoping someone could give me some advice because I've given up pretending. Hope the day is day-ish for you and an improvement on yesterday, and sorry for the rant I'm about to go into and sorry if it wastes anyone's time.

    So I've been the way I am since about 2011, and I've just finished a few sessions of counselling with my school, and I actually give up. The counselling was ****, or at least, that is what I have analytically deduced given that I have no ****ing feelings whatsoever and just wish everyone would **** off. Exams start next week, on my birthday, and I am not prepared for them mentally/emotionally, not even physically. After two years of on average 3 hours sleep, not being able to leave the house because I'm **** scared to leave my ROOM in case I ruin someone's life or say something and someone magically dies or something because ever since I was a little kid, my parents essentially helped me convince myself that I am a cursed jinxer who ruins lives including theirs. Frequently, I'm asked why my mother bothered giving birth to me (my mother asks me this question all the time), I spend all my time running round hoping I can help people just because it's what past-me would do and I just literally sit through the night making sure people don't die. Spent the good part of L6 caring for a granddad with dementia who was suicidal and hallucinating, I'm the only one he recognised so would be on night patrol making sure he was safe and calming him down, plus I was getting hacked at by school who were yelling about how I'm never in, about how I never do work etc. etc. and had the cheek to tell me to work HARDER when I was spending all my time trying to find time to work for school, and I worked so hard yet still flunked my AS levels but it worked out okay because now I have an offer from Oxford somehow. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I can walk through snow in a t-shirt and not feel cold, I can know of the most horrifying things that society would scream about and not flinch, feel nothing, and I'm so tired of it, one way. Physically, I just don't want to eat, I feel sick to eat half the time, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to walk around life, I'd rather just sleep all the time, but I can't even sleep, and I tried to go to a GP in 2011 but he was **** and all that happened was I broke down and started to cry, and all he did was send me for some blood test that came back normal (because I only had 4 periods in a year at max). I don't even know. How can I go see the GP again? How do I tell my exams officer that I'd like special consideration because my entire sixthform life has been hindered by all of this. I am actually just so close to bolting and leaving but I can't do that because my parents would kill me. I cause all the problems, am responsible for everyone (in both my and their eyes) and just literally, they have a go at me over me breathing wrong, speaking wrong, looking wrong, just everything, and I have panic attacks where they've cornered me in a kitchen and I just want to disappear on the spot. I don't know if this numbness that has entrenched itself in me is in response to emotional torment and constant, daily guilt-tripping and being told that I'm either going to be the end of my parents, or going to get dementia or that my dad will get dementia or blah blah blah. Basically, it's just been a rollercoaster of hell, but in the bowels of the earth in its deepest darkest pits.


    tl;dr what next, do I see a GP again? My one is crap. My neighbour died last week. He told her the chest pains she was having were nothing, she had a heart attack that day. Douchebag.
    Hi. I'll be honest, I didn't read all of your post cos my focus is awful at the moment and then my computer crashed. So I'm sorry if I miss out anything in my response.

    I would suggest you go to a doctor (it doesn't have to be your GP). Write out a list of everything you have noticed and want to mention and bring it in with you. Once you've gone to the doctor you can talk to your exams office and they'll be able to help you out with special consideration.

    You had a bad experience the last time you saw a GP and obviously don't trust your current one but they are useful and can really help. If you've been unresponsive to ordinary counselling it would probably benefit you to see a psychiatrist and a doctor will be able to refer you to one.

    On the bright side it sounds like you've got a lot of opportunity, like your uni offer.

    Good luck x


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know if this numbness that has entrenched itself in me is in response to emotional torment and constant, daily guilt-tripping and being told that I'm either going to be the end of my parents, or going to get dementia or that my dad will get dementia or blah blah blah. Basically, it's just been a rollercoaster of hell, but in the bowels of the earth in its deepest darkest pits.
    Hi,

    I'm really sorry to hear of everything you've been through. I think the bit above hits the nail on the head: you mustn't underestimate what your parents have put you through (both in terms of the abuse and getting you to care for your grandfather). Did your school not know you were acting as a carer for your grandfather?

    Congrats on your Oxford offer! I will warn you though: you really need to start getting yourself sorted before you get there. The Oxford bubble is not an environment that is conducive to those who come in with/bearing potential for mental health problems. There is a huge amount of support available and it's ever-improving, but you have to be in a position to be able to ask for the help.

    Are there any other GPs in your GP practice? The one you saw sounds quite ****e, putting it mildly :erm:
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by IDukem)
    :hugs:/brohugs if you're a guy, you never know, you may have done better than you generally think and this exam is over now, you don't have to worry about it any more

    It's the same with me and coursework, I just don't know how much more I can continue because i've been mentally exhausted for quite sometime now and so i've been on autopilot for the last few months. I'm a little more motivated now because the end of the year is in sight and that's something to look forward to

    Like I said, circle the last exam in red pen or highlight it in some way because then you're counting down the last days/weeks till when it's all over. You can relax and have fun for a while afterwards

    :hugs: You are normal, we all are although I understand what you mean. Revising/coursework adds to my psychological/mental torment also and it makes me stressed out and everything to a great scale. When I struggle with something now, my confidence gets shattered where as before, it made me super motivated and loved the challenge.

    Perhaps some much needed rest is needed for the day! When I did exams, rest periods helped in revitalising my desire to succeed. But again, I also understand that it's hard to rest when you know you got important exams coming up. Just think of the the summer ahead and what you could potentially be doing in that time

    Sorry if it wasn't overly helpful, but you can always pm if you ever wished too! I'll try and reply to it whenever as quickly as possible :hugs:
    Well I actually am no longer thinking about it at all, I know it's past and done and I currently honestly don't really care how I do anymore as long as it's done....I just want to get over with the exams...which is just really strange given the little perfect student I was not too long back.

    The thing is, I'm not really sure if we're talking about quite the same thing here. I mean, I do know and understand that students tend to get all stressed out and to varying extents and levels and can get into a terrible stress mess during their examinations, but you know there's the normal of that, even if it's extensive, and then there's the really off...the almost unimaginable if I can say....

    The thing is also, as much as I've got issues here and there in life, I believe that the core source of the vast majority of my issues and mental exhaustion and horrid mess is actually my education....or the way I'm handling it anyway.

    You know that doesn't actually work with me as well, the whole thinking of the countdown, and the good things to come, and pretty much anything that could normally be motivational. I've tried it all and found that there's nothing that actually motivates me to do any work, or to feel better about doing it you know. Although on bringing this up, a very irritating habbit of mine came to mind, which is the fact that I need so much frequent reassurances about some strange things sometimes, to the point that gets people sick of me....

    Gosh as I'm typing, I keep getting this rush of ideas of mixed emotions, and I feel like I keep straying and can't even explain what I want to pass on, or can't even have a clear sequence of the things I want to talk about or say. Which is the exact problem if someon tries to help and just expects you to explain "what's wrong"! And which is why I think I need professional help and all, because it's all guided and stuff, right? They'll know how to get stuff out of me, and how to make me talk about things that are bothering me in an organized way that makes sense....or that's what I'm convinced with anyway.

    As much I would love to just open up to someone now, since I haven't really been doing that and I think the whole botteling up has reached its limits with me, but again there's the same problem of not knowing where to start or what to even say....or how to explain something that's a feeling that words don't serve right, you know. Then again, I'd also just give you a headache as much as I probably did right now so sorry about that!
    All this and I claim I don't know how to open up and speak out....imagine if I did

    Thank you so much for your help and support :hugs: (and definitely your time to read all this blabber!! :bigsmile:)
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    Feeling pretty broken. Just sitting on the floor crying and I can't even remember how I ended up here or why I'm crying. Things are such a blur. Feel kinda empty and kinda not me. Was hallucinating earlier but it was pretty scary. But this and flashbacks just makes me not know what's real any more. I'm living a nightmare and it's ****ing awful.


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    • #1
    #1

    'Eurovision' seems to be proving a good distraction after a pretty rubbish day... I feel like I shouldn't be enjoying it though. Thanks, brain...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well I actually am no longer thinking about it at all, I know it's past and done and I currently honestly don't really care how I do anymore as long as it's done....I just want to get over with the exams...which is just really strange given the little perfect student I was not too long back.

    The thing is, I'm not really sure if we're talking about quite the same thing here. I mean, I do know and understand that students tend to get all stressed out and to varying extents and levels and can get into a terrible stress mess during their examinations, but you know there's the normal of that, even if it's extensive, and then there's the really off...the almost unimaginable if I can say....

    The thing is also, as much as I've got issues here and there in life, I believe that the core source of the vast majority of my issues and mental exhaustion and horrid mess is actually my education....or the way I'm handling it anyway.

    You know that doesn't actually work with me as well, the whole thinking of the countdown, and the good things to come, and pretty much anything that could normally be motivational. I've tried it all and found that there's nothing that actually motivates me to do any work, or to feel better about doing it you know. Although on bringing this up, a very irritating habbit of mine came to mind, which is the fact that I need so much frequent reassurances about some strange things sometimes, to the point that gets people sick of me....

    Gosh as I'm typing, I keep getting this rush of ideas of mixed emotions, and I feel like I keep straying and can't even explain what I want to pass on, or can't even have a clear sequence of the things I want to talk about or say. Which is the exact problem if someon tries to help and just expects you to explain "what's wrong"! And which is why I think I need professional help and all, because it's all guided and stuff, right? They'll know how to get stuff out of me, and how to make me talk about things that are bothering me in an organized way that makes sense....or that's what I'm convinced with anyway.

    As much I would love to just open up to someone now, since I haven't really been doing that and I think the whole botteling up has reached its limits with me, but again there's the same problem of not knowing where to start or what to even say....or how to explain something that's a feeling that words don't serve right, you know. Then again, I'd also just give you a headache as much as I probably did right now so sorry about that!
    All this and I claim I don't know how to open up and speak out....imagine if I did

    Thank you so much for your help and support :hugs: (and definitely your time to read all this blabber!! :bigsmile:)
    You may not think this yourself but feeling the way that you do, i'd say that doing your exams is achievement in itself and i'm sorry if I got it wrong but, you sound like you're feeling that you have nothing to lose. If yo have nothing to lose, then you've got it all to gain. I probably got it wrong, i'm tired and everything but i'm willing myself through to help you out in some way here haha.

    I think get what you're saying. There's normal but then there's something not quite right...well in my experience anyway. My courseworks at times have made me want to run a away, cry, be exhausted and have emotions that can't really be described. I do sympathise with you because although it may not be exactly the same, I do understand that you have emotions you can't describe too on this :hugs:

    I actually relate to that as I felt the same a few months back. I asked for help form my teachers/lecturers and provided me with assurance and guidance (well most of them did). Perhaps asks for some assistance or guidance from your teacher/lecturer? You may have already, but telling them again may provide some reassurance for you

    I'm sure people care of you and are not sick of you :hugs: It just came to my mind now but would you classify yourself as 'burnt out'? Sometimes something randomly motivates you when you don't expect it. Keep the faith

    I have a counsellor and originally I was worried about not being able to open up and then I just...did and I felt so much better afterwards as I had so much emotions bottled up for such a long time. Now does it work for everyone? No, but there's nothing to lose and can be helpful and something i'd recommend trying out - Professional help in some kind that is

    Just let it come from the heart and they'll try and dissect what your saying and I must admit, they're usually pretty damn good at picking something out. They're there to help and will try and perhaps simply what you're saying. That's what my counsellor does when I say random stuff and I'm often like 'She simplified it better than I did yet I was the one who said it.. say what!?' You haven't given me a headache, that came from some of the songs on Eurovision So there's nothing to say sorry for, honestly
    If you did, you'll feel relieved as the emotions will be all out and possibly tired due to the vats amount of emotions being stored within you haha.

    No worries, i'm sorry it hasn't been that great cause i'm quite tired Hahaaa, it should be me saying thank you for reading my two essay styled replies
    :hugs:
    • #7
    #7

    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Hi,

    Are there any other GPs in your GP practice? The one you saw sounds quite ****e, putting it mildly :erm:
    Thanks for your support and advice. There are other GPs, I will google for their names now. I'm just scared that if I go into the surgery, then someone who knows me will see me then tell my parents (my parents know too many people), then they will punish me for it somehow. I know they are scared, I know there is no parenting handbook, but man. Sigh. I will probably just lie about needing to go into school on Monday and just go see a GP instead and hope that I can disguise myself adequately enough... :/
    Thanks, though. I will take your advice to try and get it sorted. Just, I know that, even though right now I have nothing inside, past-Me would have hit me over the head if I didn't make the grades this summer and after everything and the impact it has had on me in general, I just want to be able to feel again.

    (Original post by Kindred)
    Hi. I'll be honest, I didn't read all of your post cos my focus is awful at the moment and then my computer crashed. So I'm sorry if I miss out anything in my response.

    I would suggest you go to a doctor (it doesn't have to be your GP). Write out a list of everything you have noticed and want to mention and bring it in with you. Once you've gone to the doctor you can talk to your exams office and they'll be able to help you out with special consideration.

    You had a bad experience the last time you saw a GP and obviously don't trust your current one but they are useful and can really help. If you've been unresponsive to ordinary counselling it would probably benefit you to see a psychiatrist and a doctor will be able to refer you to one.

    On the bright side it sounds like you've got a lot of opportunity, like your uni offer.

    Good luck x


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    Thanks for this. I will try and find another doctor like the above poster suggested too. Yeah, the counselling I had was literally some woman making crooning noises and missing the point every single time and me pretending at the end it was brilliant so that she didn't have a bad day or something. It's okay that you skimmed it, the main thing is that you went to the effort to try and help me even though you didn't have to. Thanks. x
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    its become apparent my body hates me that much its decided to cause me constant pain in different ways. :sad:
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    its become apparent my body hates me that much its decided to cause me constant pain in different ways. :sad:
    Ohh no how did the talk with your mother go?


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    (Original post by SirHas)
    Ohh no how did the talk with your mother go?


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    she ignored me :woo:
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    (Original post by eddie4921)
    Hey,

    Well student finance give you 4 years of funding in total (length of course + 1 year). So if youve only used 2 years so far and your course is for 3 years, then you should be able to do your 2nd year again no problem if thats what you wanted to do.

    But if you wanted to change course and start a new 3 year one thats when it gets complicated. Id already used 2 years of funding, and my new course was 3 years, so i needed an extra year of funding. the only way to get this is compelling personal reasons, mine was depression. You have to write how being ill made you leave uni basically, you need a doctors note aswell. But i spent ages reading others peoples stories on this and pregnancy very rarely got someone extra funding. But if you just wanted to do your 2nd year again i dont see a problem. I hope that all made sense :confused:

    But calling them is probably the best thing to do
    Aww noo that's a nightmare! Well I don't want to start again, I like my course for what it is worth - the course itself is craptastic but I will come out with the qualification I need... Eventually! But I have depression and anxiety as well so the option is probably there. I'm talking to my MHA on a weekly basis anyway so I can ask her. Thanks for the info!

    - -

    I think my Mum is seeing someone. She left my dad about a year ago. I have suspected it for a while, but today she got this phone call from someone asking her if she wanted to go out and when I asked who it was she said "a friend." I think it is someone from the brass band she is in. She is going out with them tomorrow instead of helping me with baby things like we had planned. Usually she tells me if it is a girl friend; she won't shut up about them usually. But this is different.

    I can't be happy for her.

    I would be so angry if I am right and she has been keeping it a secret. I don't know how she can do this to Dad - even though they are separated; she left him in such a fragile state. It is wrong to me. And such a bad time. If I'm right then I would not be able to speak to her which would be bad for the baby. I hate having been an adult through my parents' separation. I would see it as her hurting Dad and hurting me. I would not want to be anywhere near her - she has no right to treat dad this way after leaving him so suddenly when he has depression too.

    I don't want to hate her because I know it would be wrong of me, but I don't think I could handle knowing that she is seeing someone. I don't want to know. It would be too much to bear and I love dad so much. I only just managed to get on regular speaking terms with her without fuming, so this would ruin everything and put it back to square 1 again.
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    Am so so tired. Feels like I'm pushing myself so hard and I'm not sure what for. It's almost like I'm scared to stop because when I stop I remember that I have nothing to live for, and that's a **** thing to say because from other people's perspectives I should be grateful. Like I have loads to live for and I'm doing well in my degree and I have a few friends and stuff. But the problem is, all of those things are massively outweighed by hopelessness.

    Spoiler:
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    My whole body aches from last night and my left arm and side are bruised and sore from when I fell on the floor in flashback. The flashback was strong enough that I didn't even notice falling and given that it hurts today, that's saying something. I find it almost laughable that I'm meant to find things grounding by using my senses when I couldn't see or hear and my whole skin and body was feeling flashback so I didn't even feel falling onto the floor. If I can't even feel the whole weight of my body landing on the floor, how the **** is any other grounding technique meant to work? And I'm just really not sure I can keep having flashbacks, over and over and over. And I'm angry and bitter and jealous of anyone who doesn't have to deal with it, which might make me a totally horrible person because I know that different people have different problems, but right now I just want to shake everyone without this and beg them to trade places with me because my god I just really, really want it to stop. I can't deal with it anymore and I'm working to try and distract myself and pretend like nothing else other than exam matters, but seriously, what is the point in pretending?

    I don't want this anymore and I don't know what to do. It hurts so much every time. And it kills me to know I'm turning into this bitter and horrible person so angry with everyone because I can't take it out on the person who hurt me and oh I want to so much. I wanjt to make him have flashbacks every day forever and ever bdcause it's ****ing torture and it's unliveable and he doesn't deserve to die he just deserves to be stuck feeling violation over and over because how coukd someone do this to me? I don't know what I did wrong and I don't knwo why everyone agrees I should keep feeling it, it's like they don't understand, and it's so hard to talk about so I've just wrtten it all down even though maybe I'll regret it because I'm totally identifiable on here. I'm so tired.
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    she ignored me :woo:
    Oh no Maybe when she cools down try again.


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    (Original post by SirHas)
    Oh no Maybe when she cools down try again.


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    hope so, we never fall out, were so close, might just get the family friend to tell her so i dont have to
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    hope so, we never fall out, were so close, might just get the family friend to tell her so i dont have to
    I know exactly how you feel, family will always let things go especially parents. They get mad cause they love you beyond words. It will work out 😊


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    So I'm sitting in the park surrounded by people yet I'm totally alone I can't successfully talk to anyone why am I so bad at this

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