Depression Society MkII Watch

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Nothos
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#9021
Report 9 years ago
#9021
Was able to distract myself from the utter horrors of life here with the family today but now I'm back and having to deal with it all again :sad:
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blackfish
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#9022
Report 9 years ago
#9022
I've officially decided I hate people!

I had the mother of all pranks played on me tonight...! I smelt a rat, played along with it, but why pick me as the victim?? I walk around with a sign above my head that says "i'm vunerable feel free to attack"

It was quite funny really, Some bird came up to me and asked me for my number down the pub... I smelt a rat straight away, I knew it was too good to be true. Anyway I played along, She came and sat with me, We had a chat and then these 2 dudes turned up. That rat smell was getting stronger. Anyway it was closing up time down the local so I picked up my bag ready to leave. Then the showdown. One of the dudes rang my phone... Sure enough it was the number this bird was texting me from. To be honest I felt relieved yet rather insulted and picked on. I said haha, have a good evening, i'm off.

True I laughed to myself all the way down the road to the bus stop. Waited for the bus. In that wait I had to much time to think. I felt like complete and utter ****. Why the hell was it me they picked! I mean, what did I do that was soo wrong to warrant being the butt end of a practical joke. At a point where i'm feeling rather low and not very well, I get tricked upon. Everyone seems to use me and to be honest, I don't know what the point is anymore. I always try my best and like to think I do well at work. But to be honest, I have been so lonely and distant from everything of late, that the past 2 months feel like I haven't lived!

Some people seriously need to grow up and get a life! Really they do! I feel like cutting, but I shall resist with a nice warm shower and then going to bed Also my Psychiatrist needs poking as I have had my meds increased and went to order a repeat prescription, apparently the hospital haven't told my GP... FFS I can't be bothered with this right now!
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Nothos
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#9023
Report 9 years ago
#9023
(Original post by blackfish)
I've officially decided I hate people!

I had the mother of all pranks played on me tonight...! I smelt a rat, played along with it, but why pick me as the victim?? I walk around with a sign above my head that says "i'm vunerable feel free to attack"

It was quite funny really, Some bird came up to me and asked me for my number down the pub... I smelt a rat straight away, I knew it was too good to be true. Anyway I played along, She came and sat with me, We had a chat and then these 2 dudes turned up. That rat smell was getting stronger. Anyway it was closing up time down the local so I picked up my bag ready to leave. Then the showdown. One of the dudes rang my phone... Sure enough it was the number this bird was texting me from. To be honest I felt relieved yet rather insulted and picked on. I said haha, have a good evening, i'm off.

True I laughed to myself all the way down the road to the bus stop. Waited for the bus. In that wait I had to much time to think. I felt like complete and utter ****. Why the hell was it me they picked! I mean, what did I do that was soo wrong to warrant being the butt end of a practical joke. At a point where i'm feeling rather low and not very well, I get tricked upon. Everyone seems to use me and to be honest, I don't know what the point is anymore. I always try my best and like to think I do well at work. But to be honest, I have been so lonely and distant from everything of late, that the past 2 months feel like I haven't lived!

Some people seriously need to grow up and get a life! Really they do! I feel like cutting, but I shall resist with a nice warm shower and then going to bed Also my Psychiatrist needs poking as I have had my meds increased and went to order a repeat prescription, apparently the hospital haven't told my GP... FFS I can't be bothered with this right now!
:hugs: People are idiots. You shouldn't let moronic cretins get the better of you.

I'm glad you're not going to cut, it's not the right way :hugs:

Hope things turn out okay with your prescription.
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chidona
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#9024
Report 9 years ago
#9024
Sigh.

I need a place to vent, and this seemed like the most approproate place - I hope that's alright? Apologies in advance if it's not.

I seem to get this cyclical depression. I don't think it's full blown "get your backside to the psychiatrist" stuff, more "emo fag" stuff, but it still knocks me for six every time I get it. I had it really bad last year, and then it went when I came to uni. However, since Christmas, I've really been struggling to fend it off, but it's so difficult when things always seem to take a bad turn - it's like there's nothing to look forward to. I struggle to find things to look forward to. To me the future seems like it'll consist of me grinding out the next two years of uni, getting an alright job, and meh. I'm really just not in the place where I thought I'd be - I'm not exactly riveted by my course, I really ******* hhate the university, and my social base is alright, but just not what I had expected/hoped for. But my main reason for being down is probably the most potent one - I don't have a girlfriend.

I have NEVER had a girlfriend. I'm 19, and I'm sure that I'll exit my teens never having had a relationship. It's so upsetting when I consider all the experiences I've missed - never held hands, never had that awkward first kiss, never gone round to my gf's house and met her parents... all the things you expect to be part and parcel of any teenage years, surely? No, instead, should I ever have a relationship, it'll be with women who have already had those experiences, who have already matured in terms of emotions - and I know that I won't be able to handle it - I'll still be susceptible to all the traits that characterise a teen boy in his first romance.

However, regardless of that, the thing that kicks me the most is just how much I want a relationship. I'm not talking about wanting it in the same level as wanting a cheesecake or a PS3, I mean, really yearning for it. I get a painful, lonely feeling whenever I think of having a gf. I've had a dream wherein I had a girlfriend/partner/wife, and the love was so mutual and so potent that I woke up simply heartbroken that it had to end. A true pain, just as potent as a physical pain.

I do not know why I don't have a girlfriend. I mean, I can understand in my teenage years, I was a total nerd, and really really overpowering and, frankly, quite creepy, but I've matured so much now, and I'm regularly told that I'm quite good looking as well. Perhaps it's my university - Durham is basically full of middle class white people. I mean, I have no problem at all with that demographic - I've lived in middle-class white suberbia most of my life, and pretty much all my friends are from that demographic.

However, I have no doubt that my physical appearance must be a factor. By physical appearance, I mean the fact that I am brown. I'm mixed race, but have an arabian complexion, if one was forced to categorise me. Now, I've always been hopeful that my appearance would never be a factor in potential partners, but I fear that it does, which makes me feel simultaneously nauseous and distraught. I mean, personality wise, I'm fine - I have plenty of friends, and very few 'enemies'. I'm not the most extroverted person, and a bit of a nerd, but I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I do, and that's always conveyed - I don't tense up and I don't go completely silent around new people. I go to the bar a lot, I do plenty of societies - I'm not a boring guy. The question is, therefore, why when some of my friends (who have similar personalities) are getting through girlfriends faster than I change underwear, do I struggle to get anywhere with a girl?

I didn't reach the conclusion that my race was a factor until very recently, and I bitterly hope that it's untrue, but all the evidence points to it, froom my position. It makes me feel horrible inside, and helpless, that it's completely outside my control. But I also understand that me getting all depressed about it isn't going to help anything. But then I go out again, give it another shot, and in a couple of months, realise that it's futile, and sink even lower. And it just keeps going on, with me getting increasingly desperate and time stealing all my potential moments away.

Sigh. Sorry for the wall of text. Should I spoiler it?
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Malsy
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#9025
Report 9 years ago
#9025
i think im about to have a breakdown
but now is not the best time as I have an exam tomorrow I practically need to get 100% on
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Malsy
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#9026
Report 9 years ago
#9026
(Original post by chidona)
Sigh.

I need a place to vent, and this seemed like the most approproate place - I hope that's alright? Apologies in advance if it's not.

I seem to get this cyclical depression. I don't think it's full blown "get your backside to the psychiatrist" stuff, more "emo fag" stuff, but it still knocks me for six every time I get it. I had it really bad last year, and then it went when I came to uni. However, since Christmas, I've really been struggling to fend it off, but it's so difficult when things always seem to take a bad turn - it's like there's nothing to look forward to. I struggle to find things to look forward to. To me the future seems like it'll consist of me grinding out the next two years of uni, getting an alright job, and meh. I'm really just not in the place where I thought I'd be - I'm not exactly riveted by my course, I really ******* hhate the university, and my social base is alright, but just not what I had expected/hoped for. But my main reason for being down is probably the most potent one - I don't have a girlfriend.

I have NEVER had a girlfriend. I'm 19, and I'm sure that I'll exit my teens never having had a relationship. It's so upsetting when I consider all the experiences I've missed - never held hands, never had that awkward first kiss, never gone round to my gf's house and met her parents... all the things you expect to be part and parcel of any teenage years, surely? No, instead, should I ever have a relationship, it'll be with women who have already had those experiences, who have already matured in terms of emotions - and I know that I won't be able to handle it - I'll still be susceptible to all the traits that characterise a teen boy in his first romance.

However, regardless of that, the thing that kicks me the most is just how much I want a relationship. I'm not talking about wanting it in the same level as wanting a cheesecake or a PS3, I mean, really yearning for it. I get a painful, lonely feeling whenever I think of having a gf. I've had a dream wherein I had a girlfriend/partner/wife, and the love was so mutual and so potent that I woke up simply heartbroken that it had to end. A true pain, just as potent as a physical pain.

I do not know why I don't have a girlfriend. I mean, I can understand in my teenage years, I was a total nerd, and really really overpowering and, frankly, quite creepy, but I've matured so much now, and I'm regularly told that I'm quite good looking as well. Perhaps it's my university - Durham is basically full of middle class white people. I mean, I have no problem at all with that demographic - I've lived in middle-class white suberbia most of my life, and pretty much all my friends are from that demographic.

However, I have no doubt that my physical appearance must be a factor. By physical appearance, I mean the fact that I am brown. I'm mixed race, but have an arabian complexion, if one was forced to categorise me. Now, I've always been hopeful that my appearance would never be a factor in potential partners, but I fear that it does, which makes me feel simultaneously nauseous and distraught. I mean, personality wise, I'm fine - I have plenty of friends, and very few 'enemies'. I'm not the most extroverted person, and a bit of a nerd, but I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I do, and that's always conveyed - I don't tense up and I don't go completely silent around new people. I go to the bar a lot, I do plenty of societies - I'm not a boring guy. The question is, therefore, why when some of my friends (who have similar personalities) are getting through girlfriends faster than I change underwear, do I struggle to get anywhere with a girl?

I didn't reach the conclusion that my race was a factor until very recently, and I bitterly hope that it's untrue, but all the evidence points to it, froom my position. It makes me feel horrible inside, and helpless, that it's completely outside my control. But I also understand that me getting all depressed about it isn't going to help anything. But then I go out again, give it another shot, and in a couple of months, realise that it's futile, and sink even lower. And it just keeps going on, with me getting increasingly desperate and time stealing all my potential moments away.

Sigh. Sorry for the wall of text. Should I spoiler it?
I honestly believe there is SOMEONE out there for EVERYONE.
don't give up on finding your someone
and if the time is not right then just accept that and don't view it as a bad thing and just think when someone does come knocking on your door you'll appreciate it much more
but yeah you'll find someone eventually if that's what you think will bring you happiness
Also maybe it's your environment and there's just no one for you :dontknow: as you said it doesn't seem very diverse so maybe if you were to go somewhere else maybe you'd have more progress, i dunno, if you know what Im getting at?
hm anyway sorry if this didnt help but just to let you know someone read what you said
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death.drop
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#9027
Report 9 years ago
#9027
My mum just came home and totally raged at me. she was shouting at me about what a mess my room is. I was getting more and more annoyed anyway and then she said "no wonder you can't sleep in this **** hole. your mind can't rest in this atmosphere". At that point i just felt like screaming at her that the reason i can't sleep is because every night it's like he's torturing me again. as soon as i start to drift off i'm just replaying crappy things that have happened to me.

I've actually made up my mind that i'm doing it now. I'm not fighting it any more because i'm just sick to death of everything. I want to tell webber so i can say goodbye but last time he got really angry with me and I don't want us to part on bad terms. I just really hope that nobody tells my parents about the abuse. I need to be able to ask people but I can't without telling them that i'm offing myself and risking them stopping me.
I've sorted out the mice and the gerbils. Alastair's wanted the mice since i got them and michelle's said she kind of wants the gerbils back because she misses them.
going to keep going until they've got someone new at work because i'd really be screwing them over if i did it now. stick around for fathers day as well, idk after that.

I don't know what i want out of posting this. i can see that i'll probably get a bunch of don't-do-it replies, which isn't what i'm aiming for. I just need to talk to someone and there isn't anyone in real life that i can.
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Nothos
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#9028
Report 9 years ago
#9028
(Original post by death.drop)
My mum just came home and totally raged at me. she was shouting at me about what a mess my room is. I was getting more and more annoyed anyway and then she said "no wonder you can't sleep in this **** hole. your mind can't rest in this atmosphere". At that point i just felt like screaming at her that the reason i can't sleep is because every night it's like he's torturing me again. as soon as i start to drift off i'm just replaying crappy things that have happened to me.

I've actually made up my mind that i'm doing it now. I'm not fighting it any more because i'm just sick to death of everything. I want to tell webber so i can say goodbye but last time he got really angry with me and I don't want us to part on bad terms. I just really hope that nobody tells my parents about the abuse. I need to be able to ask people but I can't without telling them that i'm offing myself and risking them stopping me.
I've sorted out the mice and the gerbils. Alastair's wanted the mice since i got them and michelle's said she kind of wants the gerbils back because she misses them.
going to keep going until they've got someone new at work because i'd really be screwing them over if i did it now. stick around for fathers day as well, idk after that.

I don't know what i want out of posting this. i can see that i'll probably get a bunch of don't-do-it replies, which isn't what i'm aiming for. I just need to talk to someone and there isn't anyone in real life that i can.
Please, for the love of God, don't do it. I know this isn't what you were aiming for, but please, you have to know there are people both here and in your outside life who care about you and want to help.

I know it's hard but you can't give up, it's not worth it when you can still turn things around, you just need to want to make things better and there are people who will support you in making things better, friends, family and professionals, at least try doing something else before taking such a drastic step.

Please don't do anything silly
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Vienna Cannon
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#9029
Report 9 years ago
#9029
(Original post by death.drop)
My mum just came home and totally raged at me. she was shouting at me about what a mess my room is. I was getting more and more annoyed anyway and then she said "no wonder you can't sleep in this **** hole. your mind can't rest in this atmosphere". At that point i just felt like screaming at her that the reason i can't sleep is because every night it's like he's torturing me again. as soon as i start to drift off i'm just replaying crappy things that have happened to me.

I've actually made up my mind that i'm doing it now. I'm not fighting it any more because i'm just sick to death of everything. I want to tell webber so i can say goodbye but last time he got really angry with me and I don't want us to part on bad terms. I just really hope that nobody tells my parents about the abuse. I need to be able to ask people but I can't without telling them that i'm offing myself and risking them stopping me.
I've sorted out the mice and the gerbils. Alastair's wanted the mice since i got them and michelle's said she kind of wants the gerbils back because she misses them.
going to keep going until they've got someone new at work because i'd really be screwing them over if i did it now. stick around for fathers day as well, idk after that.

I don't know what i want out of posting this. i can see that i'll probably get a bunch of don't-do-it replies, which isn't what i'm aiming for. I just need to talk to someone and there isn't anyone in real life that i can.
Please please done do it. please add me to msn. I can't stick on my mum's computer p[lease add me...
[email protected]
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Pocket Calculator
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#9030
Report 9 years ago
#9030
(Original post by death.drop)
My mum just came home and totally raged at me. she was shouting at me about what a mess my room is. I was getting more and more annoyed anyway and then she said "no wonder you can't sleep in this **** hole. your mind can't rest in this atmosphere". At that point i just felt like screaming at her that the reason i can't sleep is because every night it's like he's torturing me again. as soon as i start to drift off i'm just replaying crappy things that have happened to me.

I've actually made up my mind that i'm doing it now. I'm not fighting it any more because i'm just sick to death of everything. I want to tell webber so i can say goodbye but last time he got really angry with me and I don't want us to part on bad terms. I just really hope that nobody tells my parents about the abuse. I need to be able to ask people but I can't without telling them that i'm offing myself and risking them stopping me.
I've sorted out the mice and the gerbils. Alastair's wanted the mice since i got them and michelle's said she kind of wants the gerbils back because she misses them.
going to keep going until they've got someone new at work because i'd really be screwing them over if i did it now. stick around for fathers day as well, idk after that.

I don't know what i want out of posting this. i can see that i'll probably get a bunch of don't-do-it replies, which isn't what i'm aiming for. I just need to talk to someone and there isn't anyone in real life that i can.
you need to get the hell out of there. don't do this. find someone somewhere you can stay with, at least for a while.
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death.drop
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#9031
Report 9 years ago
#9031
i appreciate the support you guys have given me, and that you're saying this now but i can't see anything changing and i've tried so hard for so many years. it's not like it's a spur of the moment thing and I still have a couple of weeks left to give it one last think over.

got to go now as webber's just about to walk into my room.
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Vienna Cannon
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#9032
Report 9 years ago
#9032
(Original post by death.drop)
i appreciate the support you guys have given me, and that you're saying this now but i can't see anything changing and i've tried so hard for so many years. it's not like it's a spur of the moment thing and I still have a couple of weeks left to give it one last think over.

got to go now as webber's just about to walk into my room.
please don't do it.
:hugs:
it may not seem like it now but there is so much to live for. How do you feel about leaving those you love behind?
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Pocket Calculator
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#9033
Report 9 years ago
#9033
(Original post by death.drop)
i appreciate the support you guys have given me, and that you're saying this now but i can't see anything changing and i've tried so hard for so many years. it's not like it's a spur of the moment thing and I still have a couple of weeks left to give it one last think over.

got to go now as webber's just about to walk into my room.
i know you're not actually going to do it.


which is good, since i'd very much rather you didn't.
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death.drop
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#9034
Report 9 years ago
#9034
(Original post by Pocket Calculator)
i know you're not actually going to do it.


which is good, since i'd very much rather you didn't.
i bloody am ! :p:

i'mstartng to wish i hadnt poste d that
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xxkaylsxx
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#9035
Report 9 years ago
#9035
(Original post by death.drop)
My mum just came home and totally raged at me. she was shouting at me about what a mess my room is. I was getting more and more annoyed anyway and then she said "no wonder you can't sleep in this **** hole. your mind can't rest in this atmosphere". At that point i just felt like screaming at her that the reason i can't sleep is because every night it's like he's torturing me again. as soon as i start to drift off i'm just replaying crappy things that have happened to me.

I've actually made up my mind that i'm doing it now. I'm not fighting it any more because i'm just sick to death of everything. I want to tell webber so i can say goodbye but last time he got really angry with me and I don't want us to part on bad terms. I just really hope that nobody tells my parents about the abuse. I need to be able to ask people but I can't without telling them that i'm offing myself and risking them stopping me.
I've sorted out the mice and the gerbils. Alastair's wanted the mice since i got them and michelle's said she kind of wants the gerbils back because she misses them.
going to keep going until they've got someone new at work because i'd really be screwing them over if i did it now. stick around for fathers day as well, idk after that.

I don't know what i want out of posting this. i can see that i'll probably get a bunch of don't-do-it replies, which isn't what i'm aiming for. I just need to talk to someone and there isn't anyone in real life that i can.
You once told me to go and get some help, please take your own advice. Is there nobody else you can talk to, the samaritans if you dont want it to be somebody you know.

Please dont do this, things will improve eventually. i know its hard and takes such a long time but it WILL happen. :hugs:
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Dinendal Leralonde
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#9036
Report 9 years ago
#9036
BLOODY HELL!!!

I've just been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life!! I finally got around to saying to my landlord that I can't afford to stay in Nottingham, ring my mum to ask her to help me move, and find out she's giving me £1000!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for it, but couldn't she have told me sooner instead of letting me break down?
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Vienna Cannon
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#9037
Report 9 years ago
#9037
*a sigh of relief*
Its been so long since I had a job and got a bit of an upside right now. I had an interview today and felt like i had done **** but they were impressed and asked me back for another interview
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Immunity
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#9038
Report 9 years ago
#9038
(Original post by chidona)
Sigh.

I have NEVER had a girlfriend. I'm 19, and I'm sure that I'll exit my teens never having had a relationship. It's so upsetting when I consider all the experiences I've missed - never held hands, never had that awkward first kiss, never gone round to my gf's house and met her parents... all the things you expect to be part and parcel of any teenage years, surely? No, instead, should I ever have a relationship, it'll be with women who have already had those experiences, who have already matured in terms of emotions - and I know that I won't be able to handle it - I'll still be susceptible to all the traits that characterise a teen boy in his first romance.

Sigh. Sorry for the wall of text. Should I spoiler it?
Hey, I did read it all but didn't want to copy and paste it all again.
I'm 18 and never had any of that stuff either. Although my friends have always said I am not missing out on anything and that if I want it to happen it will.
Just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one :hugs:
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lotsofsnails
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#9039
Report 9 years ago
#9039
(Original post by chidona)
But my main reason for being down is probably the most potent one - I don't have a girlfriend.

I have NEVER had a girlfriend. I'm 19, and I'm sure that I'll exit my teens never having had a relationship. It's so upsetting when I consider all the experiences I've missed - never held hands, never had that awkward first kiss, never gone round to my gf's house and met her parents... all the things you expect to be part and parcel of any teenage years, surely? No, instead, should I ever have a relationship, it'll be with women who have already had those experiences, who have already matured in terms of emotions - and I know that I won't be able to handle it - I'll still be susceptible to all the traits that characterise a teen boy in his first romance.

However, regardless of that, the thing that kicks me the most is just how much I want a relationship. I'm not talking about wanting it in the same level as wanting a cheesecake or a PS3, I mean, really yearning for it. I get a painful, lonely feeling whenever I think of having a gf. I've had a dream wherein I had a girlfriend/partner/wife, and the love was so mutual and so potent that I woke up simply heartbroken that it had to end. A true pain, just as potent as a physical pain.
That's the situation I'm in, I know exactly how u feel :thumbsdown: :console: I guess, it's probably gonna happen eventually, and you've waited so long it'll be really really amazing when it finally does happen?
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wallflower*
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#9040
Report 9 years ago
#9040
I am a complete waste. I manage to mess everything up. I had planned to go to the bank to open a new savings account this morning but I turned up late because i'm too useless to get up in time, and missed the appointment. The woman who worked there offered to make me a new appointment for tomorrow but I told her to forget the whole thing and left in tears. I don't know how i'll ever be able to get a job if I can't even manage to open a bank account, it's so pathetic.
I was on a waiting list for CBT, and finally I got a message from the psychologist telling me to phone back to arrange a time for an appointment, but I keep putting it off because I hate talking on the phone and I just can't bring myself to call back. I haven't contacted a few of my friends for ages because I feel like the email has to be perfect or they will judge me for it, which I know is crazy because if they are friends they won't judge me on a single email but I'm still scared that I will mess up somehow.
Everything goes wrong somehow. I felt so angry earlier that I nearly threw my laptop out of the window because I thought that seeing as everything fails in the end I might as well smash my computor up now because it wouldn't make any difference.
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