I like this confidence thing, i think i'm going to stick with it xD
Is "just be yourself" good advice watch
- Thread Starter
- 02-02-2015 23:43
- 02-02-2015 23:53
Be the best version of yourself. Excellent advice. Why live your life pretending you're someone you're not/faking to be something else? Anybody worth half a second of your time would never want you to change "the best version of you", be it "friend" or anyone.
(Original post by RobML)
- 03-02-2015 00:05
And obviously beneath those ideal characters is a flawed person. There's a fragile line between them. If someone seems ideal then you just don't know them enough -once you do then that line is always, or at least very easily broken. And that's unpleasant for both parties.
I had spent nearly half my life playing a character because of various insecurities- keeping it up was stressful, soul-destroying, and most importantly I became disconnected from myself and therefore felt even more isolated. That all contributed to depression and anxiety I still have. I don't know if it's easier for adults to pull of but just be careful
PS: I don't write lyrics for Drake.
(Original post by queen-bee)
- 03-02-2015 00:12
I left them both for the reason I told you in the past but I'm saying both of them must have been really tired of me being 'myself' so instead they decided to go for sluts who had nothing to offer them but a one night stand
It's one thing to say you would go for a decent/stable/loving girl but then end up dating party type girls?
I'm sure most of the girls you've dated or been in relationships with in the past have been the wild type who would be up for short term stuff, not really the type to hold back or think twice about their reputation when it comes to sex and I kind of do sympathise with why you have been excited/we're excited about dating them. Boring girls are no fun at all
You even see it in movies
It's always the good girls who are single, the ones who sleep around and do crazy stuff or act like sluts end up getting any guy they want
Because they know they are high in demand and use that to their advantage and of course, it always works
Most men are desperate to get into the knickers of just about any girl who is a party goer just because she appears hot and has this glam life and please don't deny because we both know it's true
If a guy had the choice of dating a decent girl who's smart and has good morals or a choice of dating a girl who's somewhat smart but parties every weekend or easily get with any guy or sleeps around, he would most likely go with the second girl and that's a fact
Guys don't genuinely like girls who are hard work and that involves girls who aren't easy and give out on the first date
Girls always go after the guys who let them down, who act tough and way too dominant. It's usually the thoughtful guys who are left being single. But this is how the world works
the sluts and studs get everything they want
Being yourself will never get you anyway these days
(Original post by Foo.mp3)
- 03-02-2015 00:36
I didn’t realise they’d both cheated, sorry, for some reason I thought you left your first boyfriend because he had issues/had become abusive
Sure, but you have to remember that because of my health a lot of the girls I’ve dated (with the exception of my most recent ex, and girl I met up with from TSR) have been girls I met via online dating e.g. a particular type of girl who: is on there to begin with, attracts me, and responds to my douchey chitchat
Actually all my ex’s have tended to be the sweet/grounded type, and a number of them were relatively placid/un-sexual. I’ve never been seeing a party girl, although I’ve had the odd date with them, and very few of my dates/partners have ever really been down for short term. Furthermore, anyone I’ve ever seen for any length of time has always been themselves
Honey, give yourself some intellectual credit, please. Life is seldom like it is in the movies!
Crazy sluts aren’t single? Haha. They are eternally single, trust me, guys won’t go there except to say they’ve shagged them, get a high five from their mates, and move on
Being in-demand is different from being accessible. Both are fine in men, and increase their stock, but the later actually diminishes the stock of a girl, as per the oft used sluts vs. studs infographic
For sure, and most will boot her out of bed the next day, and she’ll have to do the walk of shame, with a killer hangover, tights laddered, bed-headed, makeup smudged everywhere, blubbing to herself, her mascara running down her slutty chops.. it’s a good look
Why don’t you do a poll and find out, methinks you’ll be surprised with the outcome
Guys don’t like girls who are pointlessly hard work, nor girls who are so easy they’ll get on their back for anyone at the drop of a hat. Go figure! They certainly don’t like girls who are fake, that’s for sure
Yup, because unfortunately there is a correlation between alpha characteristics, being ‘dominant’, and getting away with treating people like crap (by virtue of those attributes e.g. the abundance that comes with them = onto the next girl)
An empty existence, more likely to involve mental/sexual health issues etc
That certainly hasn’t been my experience
I don't know,from what you've told me about some of your ex's like the cali chick and that other girl you had an open relationship from tsr with,I was kinda shocked you'd even consider a relationship with girls like that. Each to their own I guess.
Yeah but the fact that you'd consider dating party type girls (german girl in your other thread) just goes to show you are open to accepting those types and probably wouldn't rule out a relationship if things went really well. I mean there are some men who stay clear of them but others who would still date them.
Guys in general don't like girls who are reserved or old fashioned I guess. It's no wonder why women are almost ready to do anything and everything within a few hours of meeting a guy they've just met. I guess it's a way to feel accepted,feel like they aren't stuck up but are capable of doing the same thing men are by sleeping around or being promiscuous. Something along those lines.
No need to do a poll.it's pretty evident which men prefer. Hot types or boring plain janes hah!
Sluts are able to work their magic on a guy and I think guys like the chase,the game and the whole 'playing hard to get thing'. They may not like fakes but they certainly wouldn't want to spend their time with a cute/innocent type reserved girl when they could be out there banging party types on weekends.
I would rather fake this certain personality just so I don't lose the guy of my dreams,rather than be my boring self,even if it meant doing stuff for him I would never do in a million year or am accepting of.
Well Ofcourse it wouldn't be right? You're an older,well establish and very confident guy and are able to get almost any type of girl evidently. But for us younger girls it's not so easy out there. experience is everything. Maybe when I reach 30 and i've been out there and have dated abit I can turn around and say,it's okay to just be yourself but for now that's not the advice I would give girls of a similar age as I.Last edited by queen-bee; 03-02-2015 at 00:49.
- 03-02-2015 01:05
i'd definitely say don't try to be someone else or be fake, but I think you can try to be the best version of yourself without being fake
(Original post by queen-bee)
- 03-02-2015 01:13
After we broke up because of his cheating behaviour, he couldn't take the separation which thus turned into issues/abusive behaviour
your ex's like the cali chick
that other girl you had an open relationship from tsr with
you are open to accepting those types and probably wouldn't rule out a relationship if things went really well
others who would still date them
Guys in general don't like girls who are reserved or old fashioned I guess
It's no wonder why women are almost ready to do anything and everything within a few hours of meeting a guy they've just met
I think guy like the chase, the game and the whole 'playing hard to get thing'
They may not like fakes but they certainly wouldn't want to spend their time with a cute/innocent type reserved girl when they could be out there banging party types on weekends
for us younger girls it's not so easy out there. experience is everything. Maybe when I reach 30 and ive been out there and have dated a bit I can turn around and say, it's okay to just be yourself but for now that's not the advice I would give girls of a similar age as I
(Original post by Foo.mp3)
- 03-02-2015 20:35
Ah right, so I hadn’t misremembered after all So he made a mistake, you did the sensible thing, and he was crazy about you and couldn’t take the separation. I think you just made a pretty good case for being a girl such guys want desperately to be with, btw
She was someone I was seeing briefly, and not exclusively. She was not an ex-girlfriend
She was a lovely, grounded girl, sweet as pie, and although ours was a ‘light’ (open/free) relationship, neither of us saw other people whilst we were seeing each other and she's ordinarily the type to have only serious relationships
Things wouldn’t go really well with those types, but sure if you had a good friendship you might try e.g. a light relationship with such a character, but a full blown, fully committed relationship would be asking for trouble
Yup, others like the beta Sweedish ‘nice guy’ she ended up seeing.. for a while. Poor fool
You’d be surprised, a lot of guys are still sweet/traditional, believe it or not, it’s just that the stud types are more salient and have a lifestyle that is more sensationalised in the media
Actually that often has a lot to do with e.g. alcohol and wanting sex, as well as a warped desire for validation
Sure, but what do you think happens when the chase/game are over, and the girl is no longer hard to get?..
For sure, a lot of young guys prioritise that and to a certain extent need to get that out of their system. However, the thread you’ve just quoted me in is a good example of how the wifey model can trump the single model of living when you look at things in the round You just don’t get that level of partnership/companionship when you live a party existence. Sporadic, transient hedonistic thrills are no substitute for stability and a deep sense of bonding and belonging
With all due respect, you haven’t dated and haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. Pretending to be experienced/acting a slut as a girl is lunacy (being relatively innocent/decent is charming to most men) and although it might stand a guy in good stead if he can do it convincingly, it’s fake and he’s liable to get found out (and look a total tool)
I know you well enough to know that you deserve better than just an open relationship or to be with a girl who has such low standards. I don't think a respectable girl could even demand something like having an open relationship,having sex with more than one guy on a regular basis isn't something most guys would want to entertain,the only people I imagine going for open relationships are party types(wild),sluts and studs and I don't think there's an in between. Same goes for girls who like threesomes and crazy stuff like that.
Well the ball's in your court now,his loss and your gain surely? Anyway,you deserve someone much better looking(there's way more hotter blondes out there) and someone who probably has some good academic background and obviously brunettes are more sexier!
the chase never dies down. That's the cool thing about it. Sluts know that they can get any guy they want over and over and over and let's be honest,few guys are into the whole traditional crap thing.
Personally,I would rather be with someone who accepts me for who I am rather than with someone who I always feel i'm not good enough for,it always puts me on edge. Like I would always think,is this person going to end up cheating on me if someone better or hotter comes along? Just stuff like that. And I don't think its so much insecurities because i think when you look at someone's past and you try to compare it to yours,sometimes there's nothing in common so you try to change yourself to fit them I guess or resemble their ex's.
I don't know about them actually wanting the sex and alcohol but rather just to impress the guy they are with(guys who are high in demand) because they know if he tried to seduce her and she refused he probably wouldn't think of her in such a good light and would probably have second thoughts. People aim to please and would probably go to any lengths just to feel accepted.
I really did like your 'ideal weekend' plans. And I could clearly see the difference there between the single life and the taken life. Makes me miss being taken,Unfortunately life isn't always that simple and rosy haha!
I know I've not dated but I said by the time I'm 30 I would have plenty of experience with men and dating in general so maybe then I would be able to actually agree with you and say it's okay to just be yourself but for now I don't feel that is the case.Last edited by queen-bee; 03-02-2015 at 20:44.
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- Welcome Squad
- 03-02-2015 20:38
No. Being yourself only brings heartbreak.
- 03-02-2015 20:40
If you are lying to the other person, (which is what faking a personality is) that isnt a good basis to start any kind of relationship on.
All of this talk of the 'true self' makes me think of Persona 4 though...
- 03-02-2015 20:46
"be myself" to me means stay at home on the pc playing video games, read a book or watch a film/TV series.
Not exactly socialite materialLast edited by ChaoticButterfly; 03-02-2015 at 20:48.
- 03-02-2015 20:53
But I realised that wasn't me and I didn't really like those people anyway so I acted like myself again.
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(Original post by queen-bee)
- 03-02-2015 23:17
they were stuck in the moment and weren't really thinking about consequences
Just goes to show being a respectable young lady won't get you anywhere
I don't think a respectable girl could even demand something like having an open relationship
obviously brunettes are more sexier!
the chase never dies down. That's the cool thing about it. Sluts know that they can get any guy they want over and over and over and let's be honest, few guys are into the whole traditional crap thing
Personally, I would rather be with someone who accepts me for who I am rather than with someone who I always feel i'm not good enough for, it always puts me on edge
I would always think, is this person going to end up cheating on me if someone better or hotter comes along?
when you look at someone's past and you try to compare it to yours, sometimes there's nothing in common so you try to change yourself to fit them I guess or resemble their ex's
they know if he tried to seduce her and she refused he probably wouldn't think of her in such a good light and would probably have second thoughts
Unfortunately life isn't always that simple and rosy haha!
by the time I'm 30 I would have plenty of experience with men and dating in general
for now I don't feel that is the caseLast edited by Foo.mp3; 03-02-2015 at 23:19.
- 03-02-2015 23:18
Brah, it's just vague and bull****
- 03-02-2015 23:40
Being yourself is a loaded phrase, but I prefer the term being "authentic". Because it encompasses the complexity of the self, and the fact that you are not just "one" personality, it changes and adapts depending on the situation, mood and atmosphere. As you get older, one develops self awareness, and what that 'self' actually is. If you have the courage to look, you will start to have a clear sense of your underlying emotional needs, your insecurities, your thought patterns, and your strengths. All of these things are essential for relationships, the lack of understanding of these in yourself or in others leads to most issues in relationships.
Not being yourself is a futile exercise, you aura will not shine and it will be noticed. I'm not talking about a spiritual kind of aura, but the aura which is picked up subtly by the subconscious of people around you. Editing yourself for others gives power to other people's opinions, and your being is directly or indirectly at the mercy of everyone else around you - what kind of way is that to live? Being authentic means looking inside yourself - sometimes what you think is "you" isn't the case because you may not only be lying to others, but also to yourself. Your subconscious (which is influenced by your early year experiences) is very good at controlling what you do without you even realising, which is why self awareness is crucial not to repeat the same negative patterns. To give a simplified example, say you never got approval from your parents - you may live your life creating situations where you don't get approval, or attract people similarly as 'disapproving' in order to resolve this need in vain. You won't be thinking this consciously, which is why it isn't easy to achieve self awareness and takes a great deal of investment, but it's ultimately worth it.
(Original post by Foo.mp3)
- 04-02-2015 00:39
One proposition does not follow from the other. What it "just goes to show" is that one shouldn’t date impulsive and immature guys who are prepared to put your feelings, never mind personal integrity, second behind selfishness and here-today-gone-tomorrow hedonistic highs
No girl has ever demanded it of me. When I’ve had casual arrangements it has always been my idea
Often true, if their English isn’t necessarily always on point
Oh for sure, they’ll always find someone else to chase, but the chase typically ends when a guy who is a reasonably good lover manages to smash a slut, unless she gets him to psychologically hook, which is extremely rare
You felt that way about your ex’s? That’s ****ed up, you were worth 10 of them!
Those sorts of worries become self fulfilling prophecies because douchebags sense weakness/insecurity and instead of helping a girl overcome such things, allow it to become a source of revulsion, and hence disrespect
I can understand why girls may do this, and have seen countless threads on here in which girls compare themselves to a guy’s ex and try to emulate them/worry they’ll never match up. Personally I can’t conceive of what it’s like to have such a weak mindset, but then I’m a narcissist so I guess that helps (if you automatically assume you’re the best thing since sliced bread and your ex girlfriends come out of the woodwork years later to tell you they’ve never quite been able to move on, then it kind of puts pay to the prospect of any related insecurities) You need to get used to the idea that your ex’s were extremely lucky to have you and any future partner will be similarly blessed
Actually, as you well know, girls often think the opposite e.g. ‘I really want to have sex with him but if I put out now he’s going to think I’m easy and won’t respect me’
It could be..
Let’s hope not
Fair enough. I’m here to tell you, your instinct is mistaken, and comes from a position of insecurity/having been wounded, not rationality/empiricism
I'm sorry my English isn't always top notch,it's difficult trying to balance three languages at home/used to be with my parents for sure.
It definitely is much easier for guys. You'll rarely hear a guy saying he wants to resemble his girlfriend's ex. It's very unlikely because men aren't as insecure as women and girls are naturally like that and seek validation from their partners. I know I'm certainly like this. With my second ex,like I knew he was a popular guy who had dated quite a few girls so when we did finally get together,he would open up about his ex's and talk about one in particular several times so I just kept asking him lots of questions regarding Her and in a way attempting to be like her because I could tell he missed such a character. Ofcourse it didn't work anyway and he ended up moving to Newyork even tho he wanted to turn the job down,I encouraged him to go and I guess the separation also got to him too.i honestly wish they knew just how lucky they were and they did admit it in the end(alittle too late by then anyway)
I think only a certain type of girl thinks that way(girls who usually put out on first dates). Most girls probably are heaistant,especially younger girls and prefer to wait.
It could,indeed but it takes hard work and commitment,honesty and respect from both parties
I kind of agree but I would like to point out that i genuinely feel that it's not all about my insecurities or my past experiences.Last edited by queen-bee; 04-02-2015 at 00:42.
(Original post by queen-bee)
- 04-02-2015 19:56
I always felt I had to step up the game with my exs, there was always that feeling of not being good enough for these alpha male types and it just got to a point where I was miserable and my whole personality and mood would completely change and just turned into a miserable ***** because I couldn't keep up the pace
I'm sorry my English isn't always top notch, it's difficult trying to balance three languages at home/used to be with my parents for sure
I just kept asking him lots of questions regarding her and in a way attempting to be like her because I could tell he missed such a character
they did admit it in the end
It could, indeed but it takes hard work and commitment, honesty and respect from both parties
I genuinely feel that it's not all about my insecurities or my past experiences
(Original post by Foo.mp3)
- 04-02-2015 22:46
So you know better than most how unhealthy and unsustainable it can be trying to live a false existence
Relax I was just teasing, I know how difficult it is to be fastidious about typed English the whole time when you are unwell. When I had fever I could barely look at my computer screen, let alone communicate coherently!
I now realise I should never have discussed my ex’s with you – thank God none of them were right for me!
At least they did eventually, and I hope that message gets through to you in the end!
I dunno about hard work, but certainly commitment, honesty and respect, the later of which I always do, and the first of which I would always do with a girlfriend (otherwise what’s the point?)
Well, unless there’s something I don’t know about you, we’ll just have to agree to disagree because to me you seem like you’d make a great girlfriend just being yourself (so long as you can get your self-esteem in order, in good time)
- 05-02-2015 19:49
- 05-02-2015 20:16