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    • #6
    #6

    (Original post by Katarvi)
    To not get raped?

    That said though, I don't think this sounds like rape to me. My take away was you got to his apartment and asked him to put a condom on, sex ensued. You woke up in the morning and he wanted to sleep with you again but you refused repeatedly but he kept trying until you eventually told him to put a condom on again. This to me sounds more like he coerced you rather than forced you. He eventually wore you down to where you gave consent by requesting he wear a condom. Not saying it's okay for a man to do that, but it's not rape in my opinion.
    Slim chance.
    • #9
    #9

    its rape 110% if its non consentual its rape, crying to me sounds like you didn't want it. watch the video about consent on youtube about tea, it really clarifies what's okay and what's not (the real name on youtube is Tea Consent) but from watching that and hearing your story it does seem like it was rape. please do watch the video its only 3 minutes long but i think everyone needs to watch it!
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    What a strange scenario. :/ Your actions raise a lot of questions.

    Why did you go to his apartment, and not home? If you didn't want sex at all why tell him to use a condom? How could you be too drunk to consent, but sober enough to remind him to use a condom? Until the morning, did you give any indication that you didn't want to have sex? Because going to his apartment and telling him to use a condom could, in combination, be construed as you giving consent. "he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything" - what were you saying? Why were you smoking his cigarettes (you don't tend to smoke your rapist's cigarettes...).

    However, there are many questions to be raised at the actions of the guy also.

    Why did he only temporarily stop when he saw you crying? Could he not tell that you were too drunk to make any decisions (if indeed you were)?

    In all honesty, I'm split either way. It seems like the typical get wasted, have sex with stranger, and regret it in the morning scenario.

    I also realise the interrogative nature of my post could be construed as 'victim-blaming', but it's more to do with ascertaining whether you are, in fact, a victim (you did ask whether you were, so I asked those questions merely as pointers to help us answer that question).
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    Hard one

    On the one hand drunk girls who cry rape after being sober is pathetic and annoying, on the other hand he sounds quite creepy and might have taken advantage of you.

    No violence or anything so he doesn't sound that sick in the head, probably just a very stupid decision.
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    (Original post by AJ KO)
    What a strange scenario. :/ Your actions raise a lot of questions.

    Why did you go to his apartment, and not home? If you didn't want sex at all why tell him to use a condom? How could you be too drunk to consent, but sober enough to remind him to use a condom? Until the morning, did you give any indication that you didn't want to have sex? Because going to his apartment and telling him to use a condom could, in combination, be construed as you giving consent. "he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything" - what were you saying? Why were you smoking his cigarettes (you don't tend to smoke your rapist's cigarettes...).

    However, there are many questions to be raised at the actions of the guy also.

    Why did he only temporarily stop when he saw you crying? Could he not tell that you were too drunk to make any decisions (if indeed you were)?

    In all honesty, I'm split either way. It seems like the typical get wasted, have sex with stranger, and regret it in the morning scenario.

    I also realise the interrogative nature of my post could be construed as 'victim-blaming', but it's more to do with ascertaining whether you are, in fact, a victim (you did ask whether you were, so I asked those questions merely as pointers to help us answer that question).

    The problem with people like you is that you see rape as being something extremely dark and violent, at the back of an alleyway at 3am in the morning.

    It seems like a deeply unfortunate situation, but I don't believe asking him to put a condom is in ANY way consenting, in such a powerless situation if OP could atleast protect herself in one way or another it seems like it is a perfectly reasonable request. She was clearly too intoxicated to consent, if anyone thinks it's "normal" for someone to cry during sex, ask to stop, then the other person cuddles and carries on, then your perception of sex is very messed up.
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    You cheated?
    Didn't see this... Sounds like someone is feeling guilty more than anything.
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    (Original post by stevebutler2210)
    I'm sorry, are we all going to ignore the fact that OP says she repeatedly refused, and he decided he was going to do it anyway. Sounds like that's why she told him to use a condom - it wasn't consenting, it was realising that he wasn't going to stop regardless of what she said, so at least that way she isn't getting f*cking pregnant from the dude.

    If you repeatedly tell someone no, and they go ahead and do it anyway, that's rape. Simple. And if you're genuinely reading this and feel there's no problem with what that guy did, then you're part of the damn problem, because it's idiots like that who make guys like this feel like they can do whatever they want.

    If saying no isn't classed as "not giving consent" any more, then what the hell is?
    Thank you! Thank you for restoring some of my faith in humanity again. Thank you SO SO SO much. Thank you!
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    (Original post by DanteTheDoorKnob)
    Didn't see this... Sounds like someone is feeling guilty more than anything.
    How disgustingly judgemental.
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    The problem with people like you is that you see rape as being something extremely dark and violent, at the back of an alleyway at 3am in the morning.
    :erm:

    Starting your response with a personal attack, nice.

    I merely said her actions raise questions to be answered before we can ascertain, to a greater degree of certainty, whether she was in fact raped. I also said that his actions raised questions. Silly "me".

    It seems like a deeply unfortunate situation, but I don't believe asking him to put a condom is in ANY way consenting, in such a powerless situation if OP could atleast protect herself in one way or another it seems like it is a perfectly reasonable request. She was clearly too intoxicated to consent
    You cannot be too intoxicated to consent yet be sober enough to remind him to use a condom.

    Regardless, you raise a valid point, which is why I questioned his conduct when I asked "Could he not tell that you were too drunk to make any decisions (if indeed you were)?".

    if anyone thinks it's "normal" for someone to cry during sex, ask to stop, then the other person cuddles and carries on, then your perception of sex is very messed up.
    She said she only cried when he asked to have sex again in the morning. Even so, that's why I asked of OP: "Until the morning, did you give any indication that you didn't want to have sex?", and of the guy: "Why did he only temporarily stop when he saw you crying?".
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    How disgustingly judgemental.
    She cheated on her boyfriend.

    I'll be as disgustingly judgemental as I need be. I have no sympathy for cheaters.
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    (Original post by DanteTheDoorKnob)
    She cheated on her boyfriend.

    I'll be as disgustingly judgemental as I need be. I have no sympathy for cheaters.
    Agreed. From what I have gathered so far, OP was sober enough to remember most details, she would have had the power to deny consent ESPECIALLY if she was in a relationship.
    Being in a relationship is not something someone instantly forgets when drunk.
    I have no sympathy for cheaters, I have less sympathy when they make a self conscious mistake and try and force themselves to believe it was the other partys fault.

    Apologies if im wrong, but I have a strong opinion on equality in the west. IF the genders were reversed the OP would be laughed at.
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    (Original post by AJ KO)
    :erm:

    Starting your response with a personal attack, nice.

    I merely said her actions raise questions to be answered before we can ascertain, to a greater degree of certainty, whether she was in fact raped. I also said that his actions raised questions. Silly "me".
    You cannot be too intoxicated to consent yet be sober enough to remind him to use a condom.
    Regardless, you raise a valid point, which is why I questioned his conduct when I asked "Could he not tell that you were too drunk to make any decisions (if indeed you were)?".
    She said she only cried when he asked to have sex again in the morning. Even so, that's why I asked of OP: "Until the morning, did you give any indication that you didn't want to have sex?", and of the guy: "Why did he only temporarily stop when he saw you crying?".
    It's true, you don't take it seriously because you don't feel like it was violent enough. It doesn't fit the rape stereotype, but the truth of the matter is that it almost never does fit that exact stereotype. It's not always stranger hanging out at the back of a train station or bus stop. You've most likely walked past a rapist, or sat in a bus with one. Rape is more common than you would expect but it doesn't get reported. OP won't report this because it also doesn't fit the stereotype even though reading it, it sounds very much like a rape. "He didn't ask for my permission" says it all really. Night or morning? Does it make a difference? It was clearly rape in the morning even if she "consented" at night. So that makes him a rapist, doesn't really matter about the hour of the day that is happened.

    She cried, he didn't stop. That doesn't sound like rape to you? That just sounds like a silly little regret filled drunken mistake? Really???




    (Original post by DanteTheDoorKnob)
    She cheated on her boyfriend.

    I'll be as disgustingly judgemental as I need be. I have no sympathy for cheaters.
    I don't know how you can even call this cheating. Do you think it sounds pleasurable for her? Do you think she enjoyed it? Op was clearly very intoxicated. Whether she got taken advantage by an older man or it a was a definite rape, I can see the lines how the lines can seem to be blurred but it certainly didn't stimulate any pleasure centres in her I'm sure.

    "I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away"

    It doesn't sound like a pleasurable thrilling cheating experience? think about it...
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    How disgustingly judgemental.
    I have not a care in the world for cheaters.
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    x
    Babble.

    "He didn't ask for my permission" says it all really.
    Shockingly, the vast majority of people do not "ask for permission" prior to having sex. Whether you like it or not, in virtually all cases consent is implied based on conduct.

    Night or morning? Does it make a difference?
    Yes, because there is nothing in her post to indicate a lack of consent in the night, as she mentions she only cried in the morning. Hence I asked "Until the morning, did you give any indication that you didn't want to have sex?"

    She cried, he didn't stop. That doesn't sound like rape to you?
    Hence the question I raised about his conduct: "Why did he only temporarily stop when he saw you crying?"

    That just sounds like a silly little regret filled drunken mistake? Really???
    I agree that the crying is the single-biggest factor that suggests this was rape. However, I am reluctant to commit to either side before assimilating the full set of facts, hence all the questions I raised before commenting either way.

    For all we know she could have been crying that it hurt, he stopped temporarily (which OP concedes did happen) to make sure she was okay, she told him to carry on, so he did. Alternatively, she didn't say she was okay and he carried on when he ought to have known that her crying meant that she clearly was not consenting, hence he raped her. I can't tell which of these is the truth purely from the OP.
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    I have not a care in the world for cheaters.
    I don't know how you can even call this cheating. Do you think it sounds pleasurable for her? Do you think she enjoyed it? Op was clearly very intoxicated. Whether she got taken advantage by an older man or it a was a definite rape, I can see the lines how the lines can seem to be blurred but it certainly didn't stimulate any pleasure centres in her I'm sure. "I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away"It doesn't sound like a pleasurable thrilling cheating experience? think about it...
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    It's true, you don't take it seriously because you don't feel like it was violent enough. It doesn't fit the rape stereotype, but the truth of the matter is that it almost never does fit that exact stereotype. It's not always stranger hanging out at the back of a train station or bus stop. You've most likely walked past a rapist, or sat in a bus with one. Rape is more common than you would expect but it doesn't get reported. OP won't report this because it also doesn't fit the stereotype even though reading it, it sounds very much like a rape. "He didn't ask for my permission" says it all really. Night or morning? Does it make a difference? It was clearly rape in the morning even if she "consented" at night. So that makes him a rapist, doesn't really matter about the hour of the day that is happened.

    She cried, he didn't stop. That doesn't sound like rape to you? That just sounds like a silly little regret filled drunken mistake? Really???






    I don't know how you can even call this cheating. Do you think it sounds pleasurable for her? Do you think she enjoyed it? Op was clearly very intoxicated. Whether she got taken advantage by an older man or it a was a definite rape, I can see the lines how the lines can seem to be blurred but it certainly didn't stimulate any pleasure centres in her I'm sure.

    "I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away"

    It doesn't sound like a pleasurable thrilling cheating experience? think about it...
    How can you defend this?

    She willingly got close with another guy, went to his house, asked him to put a condom on so that they could proceed to have sex.

    Whatever happened after is another issue. But if she cheated, then at this point my concern ends.
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    (Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes)
    I don't know how you can even call this cheating. Do you think it sounds pleasurable for her? Do you think she enjoyed it? Op was clearly very intoxicated. Whether she got taken advantage by an older man or it a was a definite rape, I can see the lines how the lines can seem to be blurred but it certainly didn't stimulate any pleasure centres in her I'm sure. "I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away"It doesn't sound like a pleasurable thrilling cheating experience? think about it...
    Thinking about it...

    Yep. It's cheating alright.

    So what if she didn't enjoy it? Since when is that a criteria for cheating?

    I kiss another girl while in a relationship, but her breath stinks. According to you, I'm in the clear.


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    (Original post by donutellme)
    How can you defend this?

    She willingly got close with another guy, went to his house, asked him to put a condom on so that they could proceed to have sex.

    Whatever happened after is another issue. But if she cheated, then at this point my concern ends.
    So if she was consequently raped in the morning that's not an issue?

    No one deserves to get raped, not even those who cheat.

    Based on what we know, I am unconvinced that the events in the evening constitute rape, however, the events in the morning (especially her crying) are more suggestive of rape. However, we don't have enough information to know either way, so until OP adduces such information we have to go with the default presumption of our legal system: innocent until proven guilty, as unpalatable as that may be. (Therefore, it is possible that she cheated in the evening, but that doesn't mean that she didn't get raped in the morning.)
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    (Original post by AJ KO)
    So if she was consequently raped in the morning that's not an issue?

    No one deserves to get raped, not even those who cheat.

    Based on what we know, I am unconvinced that the events in the evening constitute rape, however, the events in the morning (especially her crying) are more suggestive of rape. However, we don't have enough information to know either way, so until OP adduces such information we have to go with the default presumption of our legal system: innocent until proven guilty, as unpalatable as that may be. (Therefore, it is possible that she cheated in the evening, but that doesn't mean that she didn't get raped in the morning.)
    Cheaters, rapists, murderers. All as bad as each other really. (Although I'm not so stupid as to completely equate cheating with the other two).

    If this was in fact while she had a boyfriend (the wording is quite vague), I don't really care.

    If while she was single, then the guy is selfish and a ****. But it's still too blurry to draw a line. Definitely the initial part seems consented to. The later, especially the night and morning, not so much, and a sober guy who had any concern for her well being would have stopped there.
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    Cheaters, rapists, murderers. All as bad as each other really. (Although I'm not so stupid as to completely equate cheating with the other two).

    If this was in fact while she had a boyfriend (the wording is quite vague), I don't really care.
    In what world is someone who cheats as bad as a rapist/murderer?

    Regardless, you are saying that cheaters being raped isn't an issue, as they basically deserve it. That is completely indefensible and pretty disgusting.
 
 
 
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