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Is it bad for a 20 year old to date a 16 year old? Watch

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    My 16 yr old friend dated a 21 yr old. It didn't last
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    (Original post by wickedisgood)
    Complimenting on work is not flirting so I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant. You know what you really mean by flirting. You can try and justify it all you like, but you are the one that asked whether it was bad or not; being in denial about it when someone then gives the answer you didn't want to hear begs the question why you bothered asking in the first place.

    Long story short: I do think it is bad. What you do with that information and whether you want to accept that is up to you.
    By flirting on my end I do genuinely mean just a few compliments
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm 20 and I've recently been working as a mentor with a group of 16 year old students. Anyway I've gotten quite close to one of them and we get on really well. She flirts with me a lot and sometimes I do flirt back and I've started to realise that I do like her. I wouldn't do anything while I'm still at work since it isn't allowed but I was thinking about asking her out when my job has finished. Do you think this is a good idea or not and why? Do you think it's ok for a 20 year old guy to date a 16 year old girl?
    Ofc it is! Your Mum and Dad are probably years apart, so what difference does 4 years make? There are LOADS of people around the world who are couples with years apart. Anyways, asking her out when you finish/quit your job would be a smart move. Good luck!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't see how it is screwed up. There will be no relationship at work, and if there ever is a relationship it will be months after the work has finished. I'm not exploiting her at all and I really don't see how I'm messed up. What i said about sex is that it hasn't crossed my mind yet. I like her personality and we just get on really well and that's why I want to hang out with her more when my job has finished so I'm not just doing this for sex.
    the power dynamic doesn't end when your work does

    she's still 16 and vulnerable and you're 20 and should know better (and should just not be attracted to a child in the first place)
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    the power dynamic doesn't end when your work does

    she's still 16 and vulnerable and you're 20 and should know better (and should just not be attracted to a child in the first place)
    Shes hardly a child, looks wise she could easily pass for 18 and she isn't vulnerable. Why should I know better I am not doing anything illegal?
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    Honestly, some posters sound jealous.

    It just depends, some 16 year olds are very grown up .
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    Doesn't really matter that she looks older. If she were 13 but looked 17 wouldn't make it right.

    You're in a position of trust so she isn't old enough. It would be classed as statutory rape if you were a teacher and I don't see why it should be anything different as a mentor. As the adult in this situation you shouldn't be flirting back or complimenting in a way that encourages a crush. Are you really that desperate for attention that you would encourage jail bait to swoon over you??

    Seriously sort your head out and think about whether being a mentor is even the right job for you if you don't know how to maintain professional boundaries
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    [QUOTE=Anonymous;66746874]I'm 20 and I've recently been working as a mentor with a group of 16 year old students. Anyway I've gotten quite close to one of them and we get on really well. She flirts with me a lot and sometimes I do flirt back and I've started to realise that I do like her. I wouldn't do anything while I'm still at work since it isn't allowed but I was thinking about asking her out when my job has finished. Do you think this is a good idea or not and why? Do you think it's ok for a 20 year old guy to date a 16 year old girl?[/QUOTE

    In short, yes. Naturally, people are going to perceive you as a strange couple, (due to the age gap) but this will definitely go away with time. You mentioned that your job has an end date? I'd only make any real moves/planning dates after that for legal reasons and for the sake of being professional. But other besides that, yeah, " go for it" I suppose.
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    You're held responsible even after the mentoring relationship ends. I really don't know how many people have to say that. Because of how the relationship starts and because of her age, any relationship that happens afterwards can be seen as an extension of the original relationship. Therefore you can be seen as abusing your power to gain a romantic relationship. Dual relationships (sexual or otherwise) are complicated and many responsible employers set out guidelines for this. So even a friendship could be problematic. What you usually find is that some dual relationships are fine but if a complaint is made at any point, you are wholly responsible.

    Some go further to say that you can never have a sexual relationship with a former patient/client regardless of how many years pass.

    All of which is still largely irrelevant unless you plan on waiting over a year to speak to this girl at all. Because maintaining any contact in the interim would build a case for grooming. I honestly don't think it's worth risking your career for - not just mentoring. Who hires a sex offender?
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    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    Doesn't really matter that she looks older. If she were 13 but looked 17 wouldn't make it right.

    You're in a position of trust so she isn't old enough. It would be classed as statutory rape if you were a teacher and I don't see why it should be anything different as a mentor. As the adult in this situation you shouldn't be flirting back or complimenting in a way that encourages a crush. Are you really that desperate for attention that you would encourage jail bait to swoon over you??

    Seriously sort your head out and think about whether being a mentor is even the right job for you if you don't know how to maintain professional boundaries
    It wot be classed as statutory rape because I'm talking about waiting until the job is over and everyone was told that you can have friendships or relationships after the job is over and it won't be classed as statutory rape because I don't just want to rush into sex, that's not why I want a relationship with her.
    No I'm not desperate for attention and I'm not encouraging her to swoon over me at all.
    The mentor job is only a one off for the summer anyway it's not a full time job but I can maintain professional boundaries since I would never do anything while I am still working.
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    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    You're held responsible even after the mentoring relationship ends. I really don't know how many people have to say that. Because of how the relationship starts and because of her age, any relationship that happens afterwards can be seen as an extension of the original relationship. Therefore you can be seen as abusing your power to gain a romantic relationship. Dual relationships (sexual or otherwise) are complicated and many responsible employers set out guidelines for this. So even a friendship could be problematic. What you usually find is that some dual relationships are fine but if a complaint is made at any point, you are wholly responsible.

    Some go further to say that you can never have a sexual relationship with a former patient/client regardless of how many years pass.

    All of which is still largely irrelevant unless you plan on waiting over a year to speak to this girl at all. Because maintaining any contact in the interim would build a case for grooming. I honestly don't think it's worth risking your career for - not just mentoring. Who hires a sex offender?
    As long as I wait until the job is over then it isn't classes as grooming and I wouldn't be a sex offender. All of the workers were told at training that when the job is over you can have friendships or relationships with the students just not while the job is still on.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As long as I wait until the job is over then it isn't classes as grooming and I wouldn't be a sex offender. All of the workers were told at training that when the job is over you can have friendships or relationships with the students just not while the job is still on.
    Bit creepy that they actually said to you in the training session that you can pursue these teenagers after the mentoring is over.

    Look, just give it up, you're both in different places in your life. If you do pursue it, these are the possible outcomes:

    - You end up on a register.
    - Her dad beats the living daylights out of you. (He'll see you as a grown man and his daughter as his baby girl, rememebr that.)
    - You won't be able to work as a mentor again because you pursued a relationship with a previous mentoree and they'll suspect you'll be in the habit of grooming teenage girls for after the job is done.
    - You'll be ostracised for dating someone so young.
    - Other women may refuse to date you when they find out you dated a 16yo when you were 20.
    - She may end up getting clingy and when you try to break it off, she could claim you started the relationship whilst still in the job.

    I could go on. The point is, it's very very very unlikely that this will work out and you'll either have a quick relationship, couple of nice dates and then nothing or you may marry her - still extremely unlikely.

    Weigh up your options, is all of this worth it? You must be doubting it if you're posting about it here.

    Give it up, go home and find someone your own age.
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    I don't think it's bad per se, but think of it this way. As a 20 year old myself, if I objectively look at most 16 year olds (especially on tsr) they are very sheltered and have hardly any experience of the outside world, especially if they are a ethnic minority and their parents keep a very tight leash on them. This leads to them having never met up with Mates outside school and not having the "traditional" teenage lifestyle. If the 16 year old was mature and had a bit of life experience like they do in my area then I would probs go out with them, if not and they were very clingy and sheltered etc then I would not
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    Did you just come here for people to tell you how okay it is? Because you're not listening or changing your mind no matter what anyone says. Your professional boundaries extend beyond your placement and I think it's entirely unethical and unsafe for your organisation to suggest relationships with people under 18 could happen after the job ends. If I knew the company you worked for I would be reporting them to some professional body or other. Pretty sure the parents would have something to say if they knew this was being said.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As long as I wait until the job is over then it isn't classes as grooming and I wouldn't be a sex offender. All of the workers were told at training that when the job is over you can have friendships or relationships with the students just not while the job is still on.
    Yes, this is true. It's still going to raise a lot of eyebrows though. It's worth noting that a teacher who did this would be liable to loose their job and be banned from teaching in the future, even if the former student was 18. Obviously that doesn't apply to you but you should be aware that many people aren't going to approve.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm 20 and I've recently been working as a mentor with a group of 16 year old students. Anyway I've gotten quite close to one of them and we get on really well. She flirts with me a lot and sometimes I do flirt back and I've started to realise that I do like her. I wouldn't do anything while I'm still at work since it isn't allowed but I was thinking about asking her out when my job has finished. Do you think this is a good idea or not and why? Do you think it's ok for a 20 year old guy to date a 16 year old girl?
    The age gap is a matter of subjectivity, I think that's quite a big one given how young she is. However there are a lot of technicallities when working with young people one of which is that you can't have a relationship of that nature immediately after you finish working as it can be seen as a misuse of trust and manipulation even if what you have is genuine. However you have to wait I think four years until you can pursue a relationship otherwise you could be persecuted meaning you could end up with a record. But that's in the UK and I don't know where you are and I'm not a lawyer so I don't know all the details so check that out before you do anything. Plus in the UK even though she is 16 she is still a minor in the eyes of the law.
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    (Original post by Little Popcorns)
    you again... you were on here last year when you were 19 and she was 15 I think could be wrong but that's besides the point...

    Mentoring is not a 'take your pick of the young and impressionable club' get on with your job and get someone your own age.
    ^^
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm 20 and I've recently been working as a mentor with a group of 16 year old students. Anyway I've gotten quite close to one of them and we get on really well. She flirts with me a lot and sometimes I do flirt back and I've started to realise that I do like her. I wouldn't do anything while I'm still at work since it isn't allowed but I was thinking about asking her out when my job has finished. Do you think this is a good idea or not and why? Do you think it's ok for a 20 year old guy to date a 16 year old girl?
    Ok i checked it out from and earlier post you might not have read but the protocol is you have to wait four years after she turns 18. Otherwise you could face some serious charges. So it might be best to let this one go man.
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    (Original post by G.Merchant)
    Ok i checked it out from and earlier post you might not have read but the protocol is you have to wait four years after she turns 18. Otherwise you could face some serious charges. So it might be best to let this one go man.
    Since I'm not actually a teacher and I'm only working short time the company I work for said when the job is finished that you're free to talk to them, start friendships/relationships etc.
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    You don't need to be a teacher. It falls under an abuse of trust within the setting as well as the position. Given that the law is wide in scope to protect persons under the age of 18 (who are classed as vulnerable to exploitation in a legal sense regardless of morally) then you would be better to avoid at all costs. Which is why I am surprised your organisation has said it is okay. Legally speaking it is a complete minefield and I wouldn't want my company to leave itself that vulnerable to criminal and civil action. It really doesn't matter how short term the work is, the inherent power difference is there that creates the problem.
 
 
 
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