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    I'm getting that it's hard to talk to him about this and I understand you've tried before but try again.
    However if that doesn't work, and it seems it might not as he does seem to have a low sex drive, then the problem remains that you're in a relationship where you are not happy or anywhere near satisfied. And you may want to think about whether you want to remain in a relationship like this, sorry to say that!
    • #6
    #6

    do you know if he is taking any medication at all???

    that can reduce a persons sex drive to the point its not existant

    Im on medication myself which reduces my sex drive.. one of my mates who is a girl and very beautiful stood infront of my naked and I didn't even get a boner
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    (Original post by Zoecb)
    Spike his food with excess testosterone?

    A low sex drive is obviously a genetic hormonal thing you can't really control so short of drugging him I don't think there's anything you can do.

    Look elsewhere for sex is what I would do, tbh. Sounds like you've told him he's not meeting your needs. Maybe you're just not compatible.
    No offence Zoe, you are incrediably naive. Everybodies sex drive drops at certain times it is just how it is. Are you saying you would cheat on your man just to get more sex?

    Anyway what's to say someone with the same sex drive as you would want you? It is very hard to find someone with the same sort of sex drive.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    For the people that say its my fault (that he doesnt find me attractive, etc), I honestly find that difficult to comprehend. I'm not kidding when I say that I get approached by men everyday. (Thank god I'm anon or Id get negged for being arrogant :p: ) My close male friend is absolutely baffled by my boyfriends behaviour.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    the majority of men cant be wrong
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The annogance was neccessary in this thread to refute claims that I was unattractive (which you will note, I anticipated at the offset). It's not like I go around saying how awesome I am in real life. I dont have to.
    ~ I'll be repeating alot of what other people have said ~

    Do you notice how you've adopted this role of victim by refusal? I'm sorry but maybe it is because he doesn't fancy you. Physical beauty is not always followed by emotional attachment. I've been with men that were absolutely georgeous (in many senses, such as conventional and goth) but sometimes I just didn't care. Their beauty did nothing for me. In tha same way, I get approached often by men, but there are other men who wouldn't look at me twice. I'm sorry, but people often do have a 'type'; maybe you're not his type.

    Having said that, you don't seem to imply that you love him. But you often imply that you're brought down by the lack of sex in the relationship. Why not find a relationship that gives you what you want? Two years is a relatively long time to go without something that gives meaning or excitement to your relationship.

    Also, you come across as trying to be blameless. You're trying to put this on your boyfriend. Maybe you need to express to him that you will take some responsibility for 'fixing' this pat of the relationship. You may want to look up the reasons for a lack of sex drive; one of them includes shame or low self-esteem. Do you think you might be approaching him in the wrong way and inadvertently embarrassing or shaming him? Or perhaps these feelings were already present when he met you. You said that you recall your early experiences with him as being 'forced' (on his behalf).

    And yes, some men naturally have a low sex drive. Not all men are Hercules-like studs who just 'wanna give it to the women'. I've been with men that are like this, but also men that aren't.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    No offence Zoe, you are incrediably naive. Everybody's sex drive drops at certain times it is just how it is. Are you saying you would cheat on your man just to get more sex?
    The OP is saying it is consistently low with no signs of future improvement.
    I am saying I wouldn't accept a sex life of once or twice a month. There are other people out there I could be with instead who I would be better suited to.

    Anyway what's to say someone with the same sex drive as you would want you? It is very hard to find someone with the same sort of sex drive.
    It's REALLY not! I would imagine the pattern is a fairly uncomplicated normal distribution...
    He's at the narrow hard-to-find end of the scale while the OP's sex drive sounds like it's very much in the average, median, what-most-people-would-expect range. It shouldn't be hard for her to find someone with a similar sex drive.

    (Original post by cutandpasteandtwisty)
    But your original post implies cheating; "Look elsewhere for sex is what I would do".
    It most certainly does not. That's an implication YOU made.

    Besides, any decent, fulfilled relationship should not be based on sex. It's not about "meeting needs" at all. You wouldn't stay with someone if they were great at satisfying your sexual desires but were had an appalling character or no manners.
    I never said I would stay with someone I had good sex but a personality clash with. But I would never stay with someone I liked but wasn't sexually compatible with, not in the long term. I call those kinds of people FRIENDS.
    I demand both. A successful romantic partner is one you get along with out of bed AND get along with in bed. Both are necessary and I wouldn't settle for anything less, that's ridiculous.
    A relationship without adequate sex is not a relationship, it's a friendship.
    Neither would any reasonable person leave a relationship just because they 'weren't getting enough', as it were.
    Speak for youself. I think you'll find that people DO do that. I would. It's perfectly reasonable.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by thesard)
    ~ I'll be repeating alot of what other people have said ~

    Do you notice how you've adopted this role of victim by refusal? I'm sorry but maybe it is because he doesn't fancy you. Physical beauty is not always followed by emotional attachment. I've been with men that were absolutely georgeous (in many senses, such as conventional and goth) but sometimes I just didn't care. Their beauty did nothing for me. In tha same way, I get approached often by men, but there are other men who wouldn't look at me twice. I'm sorry, but people often do have a 'type'; maybe you're not his type.

    Having said that, you don't seem to imply that you love him. But you often imply that you're brought down by the lack of sex in the relationship. Why not find a relationship that gives you what you want? Two years is a relatively long time to go without something that gives meaning or excitement to your relationship.

    Also, you come across as trying to be blameless. You're trying to put this on your boyfriend. Maybe you need to express to him that you will take some responsibility for 'fixing' this pat of the relationship. You may want to look up the reasons for a lack of sex drive; one of them includes shame or low self-esteem. Do you think you might be approaching him in the wrong way and inadvertently embarrassing or shaming him? Or perhaps these feelings were already present when he met you. You said that you recall your early experiences with him as being 'forced' (on his behalf).

    And yes, some men naturally have a low sex drive. Not all men are Hercules-like studs who just 'wanna give it to the women'. I've been with men that are like this, but also men that aren't.
    Again, I ask, if he 'doesn't fancy' me why is he with me after 2 years. He trots out the "its not you... its me" line whenever we discuss it. He sounds confused.

    As for my responsibility, I have arranged for *both of us* to go to Relate and he has agreed.

    I'm not asking for a 'Hercules-like stud', just somewhere on the middle line would be appreciated.
    • #7
    #7

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Again, I ask, if he 'doesn't fancy' me why is he with me after 2 years. He trots out the "its not you... its me" line whenever we discuss it. He sounds confused.

    As for my responsibility, I have arranged for *both of us* to go to Relate and he has agreed.

    I'm not asking for a 'Hercules-like stud', just somewhere on the middle line would be appreciated.
    convenience? habit? and it's good that you've arranged counselling. and that he's agreed.
    • #8
    #8

    i have type 1 diabetes too. i'm female, and it doesnt affect my sex drive at all. i've read though elsewhere that having diabetes and being male can make it hard to get erections. Maybe hes worried of not being able to get one if he has sex too often? also are his blood sugars low alot? this will make him really tired and not in the mood at all. i know what your going through though. my boyfriend has a fatigue illness atm and its affected our sex life. hope this has helped.
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    Perhaps someone has already said this but, was he maybe a victim of abuse? Is there a very sensitive way you could find out?
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    (Original post by cutandpasteandtwisty)
    I don't think he fancies you any more (if he ever did).
    rather harsh isnit , but really the (OP) needs find the reason (route) course to this and why!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Again, I ask, if he 'doesn't fancy' me why is he with me after 2 years. He trots out the "its not you... its me" line whenever we discuss it. He sounds confused.

    As for my responsibility, I have arranged for *both of us* to go to Relate and he has agreed.

    I'm not asking for a 'Hercules-like stud', just somewhere on the middle line would be appreciated.
    As I already said he may be with you for another reason, such as comfort, wanting to have a gf to conform, not knowing how to break up the relationship etc. Lots of people stay in relationships for whatever reason when they are not attracted to their partner. I don't understand why you stayed all this time especially considering you said you had offers. You can walk away but you put so much effort to stay in the relationship. It seems to me you're with someone isn't suitable for you at all but you insist on staying in this relationship and trying to carve himself to into the kind of person you want rather then accepting his not your type. I don't think things will improve.
    (Original post by Firestars)
    rather harsh isnit
    She came here for opinions. I believe it's the truth.
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    (Original post by Eubacterium)
    As I already said he may be with you for another reason, such as comfort, wanting to have a gf to conform, not knowing how to break up the relationship etc. Lots of people stay in relationships for whatever reason when they are not attracted to their partner. I don't understand why you stayed all this time especially considering you said you had offers. You can walk away but you put so much effort to stay in the relationship. It seems to me you're with someone isn't suitable for you at all but you insist on staying in this relationship and trying to carve himself to into the kind of person you want rather then accepting his not your type. I don't think things will improve.
    The OP said he'd always been like this - so why would he start a relationship with someone he wasn't attracted to? And she said that he'd always been like this. Maybe the OP thinks that she owes it to a 2 year relationship to try to resolve the issue, rather than call it quits instantly. Your negativity is quite chilling.

    I'm more concerned about the fact that he tenses up when you are affectionate/flirty with him. This seems like more than just not having a high sex drive - maybe he has performance anxiety?

    I'm quite pessimistic about this relationship because he does not seem willing to reassure you that he's not unattracted to you, or not gay etc., and just wants to avoid the issue. This doesn't sound healthy, so it's great that you've persuaded him to come to Relate with you. Good luck!
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    (Original post by *Katie*)
    The OP said he'd always been like this - so why would he start a relationship with someone he wasn't attracted to? And she said that he'd always been like this. Maybe the OP thinks that she owes it to a 2 year relationship to try to resolve the issue, rather than call it quits instantly. Your negativity is quite chilling.

    I'm more concerned about the fact that he tenses up when you are affectionate/flirty with him. This seems like more than just not having a high sex drive - maybe he has performance anxiety?

    I'm quite pessimistic about this relationship because he does not seem willing to reassure you that he's not unattracted to you, or not gay etc., and just wants to avoid the issue. This doesn't sound healthy, so it's great that you've persuaded him to come to Relate with you. Good luck!
    Then why stay with someone if it was like from the beginning (which was my point). Some people do enter relationships without being attracted to the person. Such as loneliness, conforming etc etc. I don't know what's going on her bf's mind. You yourself have said he's not willing to reassure her that he is attracted to her.

    As for my negativity being chilling, I'm stating my opinion. I don't have to say "oh of course it'll be ok". After 2 years the I don't see him changing.
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    (Original post by Eubacterium)
    Then why stay with someone if it was like from the beginning (which was my point). Some people do enter relationships without being attracted to the person. Such as loneliness, conforming etc etc. I don't know what's going on her bf's mind. You yourself have said he's not willing to reassure her that he is attracted to her.

    As for my negativity being chilling, I'm stating my opinion. I don't have to say "oh of course it'll be ok". After 2 years the I don't see him changing.
    :dito: Okay, here's for some online conformity but I'm in Eubacterium's camp. Plus, the OP is so self-assured that all criticism may just bounce off her head.
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    8 anons in one thread - is this a record?

    maybe try some viagre or porn (if it hasnt been suggested)
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    touch him where it makes him smile. Do something sexy, come in wearing sexy underwear, or something. Try something to make his blood boil.
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    (Original post by Nalced)
    touch him where it makes him smile. Do something sexy, come in wearing sexy underwear, or something. Try something to make his blood boil.
    How would making him angry help? :p:
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    Do you know if he masturbates a lot? Because that might show if he has a low sex drive in general or just with you..

    My boyfriend used to be like yours. Perhaps not to the same extent but I regularly initiated sex and he didn't want to, yet he always said he found me attractive. Anyway I just stopped initiating anything, first two/three weeks nothing happened, then out of nowhere came this high sex drive and now I'M the one with the low sex drive because I don't have to work for it.
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    On the first page:

    "Does your vaginal smell?"

    "No my flange does not smell of fish"

    Great stuff. Sorry, it's kinda irrelevant, just had to say that put a grin on my face.
    • #9
    #9

    my partner is the same. ive tried talking to him about it, but he just gave me loads of excuses fir it. first he said that it was because we lived in a shared house and didnt want anyone to hear. we moved and nothing changed.
    then he said it was because of the hours from work were tiring, so he moved jobs and nothing changed.
    he has always been like that in all the times we have been together. I used to try to initiate things but there is only so much rejection one person can take so now I don't bother. And he doesn't either, so basically we have had no kind of relationship for the past around 3 months.
    I did think maybe he just didnt like it, as it has not been like this with anyone else I have been ina relationship with, and also when he does do it it is just like he wants to get it over and done with as fats as possible, and is the same routine every time, which i find rather boring, but when we were first together he told me to stop doing anything else, so i think he must just want it to be over quickly.
    I did think that he must just not enjoy it at all, but found out that before we met he saw prostitutes while travelling, so it cant be something he doesn't enjoy if he is prepared to pay for it?
    While other posts have said it isn't the be all and end all in a relationship, i do think it is important, and would have left him by now if it wasn't that we have children together. I don't think he would notice or care if i was seeing someone else so that is becoming a very real possibility at the moment.
    At least this thread has made me realise it isnt just me in this situation.
 
 
 
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