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    (Original post by ANM775)
    Just seems obvious to me that his intent was to get at the keys.
    I seriously don't think he meant to hurt her.

    The OP said he went for the keys and they started struggling. During the struggle she then got pushed into a wall and banged her head. It seems like things were pretty heated before the struggle, perhaps that's why he just bailed without checking on her head first.

    You said he didn't care. but eventually he came back crying and with flowers. Sounds like he may have cared to me. Was this an act? were his tears fake? ....

    and no I don't think his behavior was acceptable, but as this is the first time it has happened [they've been together 3+ years] and as imo he did not intend to injure her ....I would perhaps give the guy a second chance.

    and comparing a brother/sister or stealing stuff off you/friend damaging your property to a bf deliberately taking your car without permission from you was meant to convey that although what the brother/sister/friend did was technically a crime ....you probably wouldn't take it as far as the police due to the fact you actually know them.

    If for example a random stranger stole your CD, most people would report that.
    If for example your kid Sister stole your CD very few people would report that.

    Her car got taken without permission, - technically it's a crime
    but some random stranger didn't do it, it was her bf.

    You are continuously making unfounded assumptions to support the guy. So now he only shoved her as a tool to get her keys, and that makes it acceptable?

    So now he didn't look back to see if she was hurt because he simply wanted the keys? Or are you suggesting he was entirely oblivious to the fact that he hurt her?

    You do realise that in every abusive relationship the person apologises for their actions later on? That's what causes the victim to return time and time again, and you are actively encouraging that.

    He might be apologising because he's genuinely remorseful that he caused her pain and stole her car. Or he might be apologising and crying because he's remorseful for himself, because he ****ed up, and potentially ruined a very good thing he had.

    Either way it's irrelevant. Feeling remorse hours after you caused someone pain and suffering is not acceptable. Because the next time you are in an angry state, it's likely again, you won't care for the suffering you cause. Like I said, if he was immediately sorry and remorseful and upset, I'd give him more leeway. But the fact that he was only remorseful hours later when the anger dissipated, is a warning sign.


    No no no you are missing the point. It's not whether a friend or stranger stole the CD that people are taking issue with. It's the pettiness of the theft of a CD. You should use a more comparable example, or just stick with the car....

    I wouldn't report it if a friend stole my CD, I probably wouldn't report it if a random stranger somehow managed to steal my CD. Because a CD is less than a ****ing fiver and far less important than a car....!

    I would report it if a stranger stole my car, and I'd also report it if a FRIEND stole my car.

    You are basically diminishing the importance of the guy stealing her car, to the level of a friend nicking a CD.
    You are attempting to diminish the seriousness of his car theft, to diminish the seriousness of his behaviour.

    Why?
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    Yes!!

    You clearly are a strong woman, I feel relieved

    What's wrong with her going to the carnival?
    If its the carnival that just went past (nottinghill) then I'd say its not an environment that anyone in a relationship should be in. Its literally a bunch of people getting super drunk and dancing (or grinding basically) on strangers.
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    Leave him please ASAP, this is only the start. You won't know what will set him off again which could end up in a seiius injury. By staying you are in a way giving him leeway to thinking this behaviour is ok and forgivable and by doing that you have him in your clutches. No matter how strong your relationship might have been he's just destroyed it and your own safety is far more important than this.
    Trust me I've experienced something like this in my last relationship, it started off simple with grabbing my hair but escalated quickly when I didn't leave him ASAP. Don't even let him explain, just leave quickly.
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    (Original post by bluemadhatter)
    If its the carnival that just went past (nottinghill) then I'd say its not an environment that anyone in a relationship should be in. Its literally a bunch of people getting super drunk and dancing (or grinding basically) on strangers.
    There's a lot more to the carnival than that. And it's none of his business (or indeed yours) if she wants to go to the carnival. It does not equate to cheating.

    It's ridiculous to have that little trust in the fidelity of your long-term partner.

    It's also ridiculous to presume that you can tell your partner what they can and can't do based on your own insecurities.
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    Call the police, get a restraining order. It's important that you stop this now before it gets really really bad.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    You are continuously making unfounded assumptions to support the guy. So now he only shoved her as a tool to get her keys, and that makes it acceptable?

    So now he didn't look back to see if she was hurt because he simply wanted the keys? Or are you suggesting he was entirely oblivious to the fact that he hurt her?

    You do realise that in every abusive relationship the person apologises for their actions later on? That's what causes the victim to return time and time again, and you are actively encouraging that.

    He might be apologising because he's genuinely remorseful that he caused her pain and stole her car. Or he might be apologising and crying because he's remorseful for himself, because he ****ed up, and potentially ruined a very good thing he had.

    Either way it's irrelevant. Feeling remorse hours after you caused someone pain and suffering is not acceptable. Because the next time you are in an angry state, it's likely again, you won't care for the suffering you cause. Like I said, if he was immediately sorry and remorseful and upset, I'd give him more leeway. But the fact that he was only remorseful hours later when the anger dissipated, is a warning sign.


    No no no you are missing the point. It's not whether a friend or stranger stole the CD that people are taking issue with. It's the pettiness of the theft of a CD. You should use a more comparable example, or just stick with the car....

    I wouldn't report it if a friend stole my CD, I probably wouldn't report it if a random stranger somehow managed to steal my CD. Because a CD is less than a ****ing fiver and far less important than a car....!

    I would report it if a stranger stole my car, and I'd also report it if a FRIEND stole my car.

    You are basically diminishing the importance of the guy stealing her car, to the level of a friend nicking a CD.
    You are attempting to diminish the seriousness of his car theft, to diminish the seriousness of his behaviour.

    Why?


    I think it's too soon to brand this guy "abusive",
    In 3 years this is the only incident, and it was a shove.

    I don't think if he was truly an abusive person with abusive tendencies she would have gone a whole 3 years without incident.

    Abusers tend to be on their best behavior at the start of the relationship then like 3-6 months in the abuse starts and they start to show their true colors.

    And if you think stealing a CD is not taken seriously by people then walk into your local HMV, pick up a Justin Beiber Album or something in plain view of a member of staff and then walk out the shop with it. See if they just brush it off, see if they tell their security guard to just "let it go" because it's only some cheap CD and the franchise makes Millions of pounds profit each year. See if they don't detain you in their office whilst they call the police.
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    (Original post by bluemadhatter)
    If its the carnival that just went past (nottinghill) then I'd say its not an environment that anyone in a relationship should be in. Its literally a bunch of people getting super drunk and dancing (or grinding basically) on strangers.
    I understand what you're saying but I know how to behave when I'm in a relationship. Would you say that people in relationships shouldn't go to parties without their partner?
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    It's up to her whether or not she gives him a second chance but I wouldn't. It's very scary, how easy an unsuspecting person can fall into an abusive relationship. Since he did it once and seems to be remorseful, I would not try to sabotage any future relationships he has but would still keep well away.
    This really saddens me. I still want him and I have no idea what to do. I haven't told anyone about the incident because my friends/family all really like him and I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because I know he's not a bad person
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    I think it's too soon to brand this guy "abusive",
    In 3 years this is the only incident, and it was a shove.

    I don't think if he was truly an abusive person with abusive tendencies she would have gone a whole 3 years without incident.

    Abusers tend to be on their best behavior at the start of the relationship then like 3-6 months in the abuse starts and they start to show their true colors.

    And if you think stealing a CD is not taken seriously by people then walk into your local HMV, pick up a Justin Beiber Album or something in plain view of a member of staff and then walk out the shop with it. See if they just brush it off, see if they tell their security guard to just "let it go" because it's only some cheap CD and the franchise makes Millions of pounds profit each year. See if they don't detain you in their office whilst they call the police.
    Actually A. I'm pretty sure stores aren't allowed to contact the police if the product is under £10.

    B. We were discussing a USED CD that had already been bought and used by the person. Not a brand new one from the store.

    And C. You still think stealing a CD is akin to stealing a car? Hilarious.

    So you are an expert on domestic abuse now are you?

    You're telling me that a person isn't allowed to turn aggressive after 3 years? It has to be within a time frame of 3-6 months to be classified as domestic abuse?

    So any cases of violence must be wrong if they've been in a good relationship for the prior three years.

    Be careful what you say, talking rubbish as if you are an expert is fair enough when it comes to light topics, but when it comes to something such as domestic abuse, spreading such bs can be damaging.

    I was a juror last year and involved in two domestic violence cases where both defendants were found guilty, or admitted guilt.
    Guess what? They were both in long term relationships, and this was their first charge against the victim.

    You have absolutely no place to say that relationships can't turn abusive after several years. It's perfectly reasonable for them to, after three years relationships can deteriorate. And besides who you are three years ago could be very different to who you are now.
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    (Original post by bluemadhatter)
    If its the carnival that just went past (nottinghill) then I'd say its not an environment that anyone in a relationship should be in. Its literally a bunch of people getting super drunk and dancing (or grinding basically) on strangers.

    People get super drunk in clubs, and grind on each other.

    So you think it's wrong for people to go clubbing if they're in a relationship?
    You assume that because others may behave like that in the carnival, that the OP will also?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This really saddens me. I still want him and I have no idea what to do. I haven't told anyone about the incident because my friends/family all really like him and I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because I know he's not a bad person
    I understand you don't want to break up with him but its not safe for you to continue dating. i would say this if you were a guy and your girlfriend had done this. No one should push you and then steal your car. If you tell family/friends you're not "painting him in a bad light" your telling the truth. My sisters boyfriend did something similar to her after 5 years together out of the blue, she stayed with him and it went down hill quickly but he was always very sorry and apologetic and she always said he didn't mean it etc. they broke up now. My dads a police officer and has been to so many women who've been beaten so badly by partners but they "didn't mean it" and they "wouldn't do it again"

    For your safety, leave him. He needs to know that its unacceptable behaviour. Tell your family/friends what has happened and ask for their support.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I understand what you're saying but I know how to behave when I'm in a relationship. Would you say that people in relationships shouldn't go to parties without their partner?
    You are entitled to go out and socialise still, he should not be reacting this way, not like you were going to cheat on him. Sorry but if you stay with him it will only get worse, the signs are there that he is a control freak.
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    What worries me is that he wasn't even shocked or sorry that you hit your head or that he shoved you which gets me seeing red, he didn't care that he hurt you and he didn't come to help or make sure you're alright. leave him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend of almost 3 years saw ...BLAH!
    As soon as he is violent to you and you let him off he will be an abuser,
    Don't let this happen,

    There is NO reason for a man to ever hit a woman, and only the weakest men do it, so save yourself the trouble and find a new man,
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he shoved me against a wall and I hit my head. He then took the keys from me again. I told him to get out of my house. He did so, and he took my car with him.

    This has never happened before, he's never laid a finger on me and now I'm fearful that he'll get more violent over time. I don't even know what to say to him when he gets here. What should I do?
    Call the police. Do not communicate with him. Stay in your house and DON'T let him in.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This really saddens me. I still want him and I have no idea what to do. I haven't told anyone about the incident because my friends/family all really like him and I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because I know he's not a bad person
    I know how you feel, believe me but you don't have to tell them the full story because they don't have to know. If you tell them that you got into a fight but make it clear that he did something unforgivable and say that you don't want to talk about it, that should be enough. Of course, not all of them are going to be satisfied with that reply but that's not your problem.
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    It would never be acceptable to attempt to sabotage his future relationships, unless perhaps it was serious abuse (and even then I'm not sure it's right - what are you going to do, follow his relationship status until he dies?), but certainly not for a shove or slap out-the-blue, regardless of whether they are remorseful or not.
    I don't mean going out of my way to sabotage his relationships. If the abuse was ongoing, however, and I came across a girl who said she was considering dating him, I would feel it my duty to warn her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know what you would classify as controlling. He doesn't approve of me having male friends, that's really about it. Also, he has a habit of constantly texting me when i'm out with friends but if I stayed home, I wouldn't really hear from him much.
    That's normal and acceptable.

    (Original post by tengentoppa)
    Alternatively, how insecure must the boyfriend have been to fly off the handle just because his girlfriend of 3 years had an innocent conversation with her ex boyfriend? It's completely pathetic to have that little faith in your partner's fidelity, and in your ability to keep your girlfriend.

    And plenty of adults have female friends. It comes with the maturity of not feeling the need to stick your Clinton into every Dolly, Gennifer and Monica who you meet.
    Er... Not insecure at all. Who the heck talks to their ex while in a relationship? That's completely disrespectful and inappropriate.


    And OP while I can understand that he wasn't okay with you going to carnival as he probably thought you might end up doing something shady (texting your ex would really hurt his faith in your faithfulness), he should defo have not pushed you.

    From what you say it sounds like he deliberately pushed you into the wall. That is messed up completely. And then he took your car as well... That's just weird...

    In the end it's up to you to decide how much you trust him and what actually happened reflects his real self, or if this was an outburst due to him being on edge.
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    (Original post by JACCKYD)
    As soon as he is violent to you and you let him off he will be an abuser,
    Don't let this happen,

    There is NO reason for a man to ever hit a woman, and only the weakest men do it, so save yourself the trouble and find a new man,
    If a woman hits me shes gonna get it
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    That's normal and acceptable.



    Er... Not insecure at all. Who the heck talks to their ex while in a relationship? That's completely disrespectful and inappropriate.


    And OP while I can understand that he wasn't okay with you going to carnival as he probably thought you might end up doing something shady (texting your ex would really hurt his faith in your faithfulness), he should defo have not pushed you.
    So what if she's on good terms with her ex? Not every relationship has to end in a disaster.

    "texting your ex would really hurt his faith in your faithfulness"

    Why on earth would it? They've been together for 3 years, and it was an innocent conversation. How insecure does one have to be to make the leap from that to your partner cheating?

    And in what way is it normal and acceptable to forbid your girlfriend from having male friends? That's controlling and distrustful in the extreme.


    You have a warped sense of what is acceptable in a relationship.
 
 
 
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