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    (Original post by xtinkerbellx)
    no because i would never do that personally, but why should he have to deal with it to when its her mistake. if she was intending to stay with him and not see this person again, then why exactly would he need to know? out of the kindness of her heart, or because shes feeling so guilty she has to make herself feel better. honesty isnt always the best policy.
    I personally think the long term is what matters. In the long term, it would be kinder to tell him, because then he would not be spending potentially a long time with someone who has cheated on him and therefore disrespected him. You're right that he shouldn't have to deal with it, but that's the risk of the committment involved in loving someone - no risk, no reward. If you cheat on your partner you have a duty to tell them if you are a decent person - you should put aside your own feelings of guilt/kindness etc.

    Everyone has their own view of course but I believe honesty, openess and trust is the bedrock of a relationship.
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    #1

    haven't checked this since the day I posted it but read now and there have been like 3 pages more of replies... thought I would just put in my two cents

    for a start, everyone that has called me a "cheap slut" and "scum"... you don't know me at all and you have no idea how it feels to be called that when i have really just made the worst mistake of my life. if anyone here was single, got so drunk that they couldn't breathe properly, and then was led to a strangers room, i bet they wouldn't "deserve to die". i had only the faintest grasp of what was going on and have done everything, everything i could possibly do, to make this better.

    i have never felt this low in my entire life, i can't face life going on knowing i have done this. i'm going home tomorrow and i don't know if i'm ever coming back here, i can't cope with this anymore, this has completely ****** up my life and all i am to you people is someone to scorn and laugh at. and before people say i shouldn't have posted this if i didn't want to be judged then take a look at my original post; prob about 3 or 4 people have actually answered my question, e.g. have they been in a relationship with cheating that has survived? so i'd like to thank everyone very much for making me wonder whether there is any point in even continuing life.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Men don't claim they've been "taken advantage of" and lay the responsibility on others. It was her choice to drink so much, it was her choice to go to his room and it was her choice to engage in whatever sexual acts. Trying to shed her guilt by blaming alcohol and men is feeble and embarrassing. Complaining about the boy is rich when she's in his room offering him sex. She even congratulates herself for telling him that she has cheated.

    Any lengths to absolve self of blame - the middle class girl's trademark.

    Whoever it was who suggested that this guy had sex with her without consent is a fool. If that was a possibility she would have cried rape long before she thought of posting a sob story to a student forum. You would risk placing a permanent blot on a boy's life because of (shock) a binge drinking student sleeping with someone they shouldn't have?

    Your boyfriend is a gent for saying he'll give it another try. It's incredibly naive to think that anything will come of this relationship. He will resent you and think of you with another guy every time he touches you.

    The only decent thing you can do is end it for his sake, rather than force him to live with what you've done.


    for a start, i am probably as far from middle class as you can possibly ******* get, so don't make assumptions about me

    who said i went to his room and offered him sex? were you there? no

    who says i've always been a ****? do you know how many people i've slept with, even kissed? no
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    Look - you are not beyond redemption, but the question you asked, more or less, was whether the relationship could continue. And the answer was a resounding 'no'. Pick yourself up, learn the lesson. And take responsbility. That is the absolutely crucial thing here - if you don't take responsibility for your actions, then you can't change things, if you do you can. It's as simple as that.
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    (Original post by Reflexive)
    Look - you are not beyond redemption, but the question you asked, more or less, was whether the relationship could continue. And the answer was a resounding 'no'. Pick yourself up, learn the lesson. And take responsbility. That is the absolutely crucial thing here - if you don't take responsibility for your actions, then you can't change things, if you do you can. It's as simple as that.

    i take complete responsibility for that specific act on that specific night but all i was trying to do was make people appreciate why it happened as i did not want to be told that i obviously did not love my boyfriend that much if i went and cheated on him, which is so unbelievably NOT the case.
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    That is great that you've taken responsbility. Now you have the power not to do it again. I'm unsure whether someone who cheats loves their partner, but I very much doubt it (if you're talking about the deep, long lasting sort of love anyway)
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    for a start, i am probably as far from middle class as you can possibly ******* get, so don't make assumptions about me

    who said i went to his room and offered him sex? were you there? no

    who says i've always been a ****? do you know how many people i've slept with, even kissed? no
    You moan and dodge guilt like a middle class girl. If the shoe fits etc.

    As many have posted already, lots of paired-up people get drunk. I would assume that of that group the proportion that get drunk, and end up naked in a stranger's bed is relatively small. There are countless times I've been on a night out with friends and had too much to drink, but never have I forgotten that I have a partner and I have never thought that a cheeky shag would be a fun way to end the night. You didn't need to drink that much, and certainly you weren't forced to have sex. An honest person will not end up drunk in a stranger's bedroom.

    You may claim you've taken responsibility for what you've done but that's clearly not true. You are persistently blaming the alcohol and claiming you were "led to a room" and "taken advantage of". If your original post had been more an honest acceptance of guilt and less a pack of feeble excuses then I believe people would be far more sympathetic. I certainly would have been.

    Whining that you "can't see the point in continuing life" only makes you sound more self-absorbed. You made the mistake, you deal with the consequences. No-one is going to validate you, however much self-pitying drivel you post.

    I did not once refer to you as a "****", nor infer that meaning in any way.

    My advice would be to buy a spine and accept it was entirely your fault, break up with your boyfriend for his own good, get on with your course and not to make the same mistake again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You moan and dodge guilt like a middle class girl. If the shoe fits etc.

    As many have posted already, lots of paired-up people get drunk. I would assume that of that group the proportion that get drunk, and end up naked in a stranger's bed is relatively small. There are countless times I've been on a night out with friends and had too much to drink, but never have I forgotten that I have a partner and I have never thought that a cheeky shag would be a fun way to end the night. You didn't need to drink that much, and certainly you weren't forced to have sex. An honest person will not end up drunk in a stranger's bedroom.

    You may claim you've taken responsibility for what you've done but that's clearly not true. You are persistently blaming the alcohol and claiming you were "led to a room" and "taken advantage of". If your original post had been more an honest acceptance of guilt and less a pack of feeble excuses then I believe people would be far more sympathetic. I certainly would have been.

    Whining that you "can't see the point in continuing life" only makes you sound more self-absorbed. You made the mistake, you deal with the consequences. No-one is going to validate you, however much self-pitying drivel you post.

    I did not once refer to you as a "****", nor infer that meaning in any way.

    My advice would be to buy a spine and accept it was entirely your fault, break up with your boyfriend for his own good, get on with your course and not to make the same mistake again.
    ^^^

    Words out of my mouth
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    My advice would be to buy a spine and accept it was entirely your fault, break up with your boyfriend for his own good, get on with your course and not to make the same mistake again.


    for approximately the fifth time, I have accepted this is entirely my fault, I was just explaining why it happened so I wouldn't have people saying that I specifically set out to hurt my boyfriend and thought "hmm, what a brilliant way to upset him" so slept with someone!!!


    I entirely do not plan to make the same mistake again, you can trust me with that

    and why would it be for my boyfriend's own good to break up the relationship when clearly he loves me enough to not break up with me straight away anyway?
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    You keep saying you've accepted responsibility but I don't think I'm alone in not believing you. This kind of "I know it's my fault, but..." attitude seems so common in our generation.

    Why would it be best for your boyfriend if you ended it? Every time your boyfriend touches you he'll be thinking of you with someone else. As another poster remarked, he'll resent you deeply for what you've done. He might be naive enough to think he loves you, but deep down he'll hate you to the core. Once the trust is gone, there's nothing. It's better to end the relationship now rather than wait and watch as it decays and each of you learn to despise the other. I've never seen a relationship recover from cheating.

    You've complained the number of people ignoring your original question, "can this relationship recover?". Nobody has said yes, and at least five have said definitely not.

    If you come to a forum to ask for advice, why fight it when it's offered?
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    Wouldn't it be considered rape if she didn't consent?
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    Ok OP, here is my say on it all.

    Firstly, i was in this situation a few weeks ago. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend, but i did go out with someone while we were on a 'break'. It was all a huge misunderstanding but my mistake was telling him that i'd found someone when we were technically still together. This was a terrible thing to do, and everyone turned against me. He wouldn't talk to me, called me alsorts, my mum turned against me etc. I made a huge mistake also. What i did was blocked out my feelings, i just accepted i'd made a mistake and gave him the time to forgive me. He said he would never forgive me.

    Now two weeks later he has come back to me and has forgiven me. Of course my situation is different as i don't want him back but this selfish and impetious thing i did has taught me loads about myself, and now i intend to go out there with full confidence and not do it again.

    It helps to be called names, it helps to be made to hurt by other people, i was made to hurt by my ex and others, and myself. I suffered for many days, but those many days are what helped me get out of it and now i am extremely happy, because it's blown over and i have learned alot of life lessons, and this has given me confidence.

    You have made a mistake, of course, but you must give him the time and space to think this through, don't go begging like i did, it doesn't help. Perhaps losing him might teach you a lesson. I don't think things will be the same now, but you've got to accept that mistakes happen, it's what you do about them that matters and if you can show you have learned from your mistake, then you can truly say you are a good person for it.

    The worst thing to do is to deny you did anything wrong and **** on him because that is not taking responsibility, and that truly makes you a very selfish person. It's time to show him that you are not selfish.

    I wish you all the best, just take time out, think things through. Stay at uni, keep going. It will get better, but you can't change what's happened, so move forward.
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    (Original post by sallen)
    Wouldn't it be considered rape if she didn't consent?
    Did she ask him if he wanted to ****? Maybe he didn't consent.
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    He didn't rape you, but you were taken advantage of? Riiiigghhhhht.

    You were led into the room, okay fair enough. But then what!?! Did your clothes just fall off and then you accidentally fell on him naked? Please. Spare me this nonsense. You cheated. No one took advantage at all, you consented, so don't blame anyone for not listening to your rubbish. I'm sorry, you cheated, you're on the bottom of the pile, deal with it.
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    OP, it really does sound like you're upset about this, and I'm sure it's tearing you up inside and you wish you could just turn back time and not have made this mistake.

    But seriously, consider the way you portray situations in the future. because this business of being taken advantage of and 'possibly' raped may be one of the reasons 'real' rape cases can so often lead nowhere, with no conviction.
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    No it cannot
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    Answering the original question: No.

    The best thing would be break up for his own sake. This will tear up within him whether he admits it or not, and whether he truly loves you or not. If you do decide to stick it out, the best of luck.
 
 
 
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