A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat *****."
Say a funny joke thread? Watch
- 15-12-2010 21:01
- 15-12-2010 21:03
Why can't Chinese people use the phone?
Because they wing the wrong number ;D
(Original post by mc1000)
- 15-12-2010 21:04
So it seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.
Not to worry. The last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six.
(Original post by RedGuy)
- 15-12-2010 21:29
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
Your mother is so morbidly obese that she is at great risk for heart disease.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
Why did the deer cross the road? So it could stand in the middle of the ****ing road and kill my dad in a crash when I was 15. (RIP Kevin)
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
A nun is on a plane, escorting a trained chimpanzee to an orphanage. After some time, the chimp won't sit still. The nun notices it's because of a man smoking a big cigar, and the smoke is going right in the chimps face. The nun asks him nicely to throw out the cigar, but he refuses. She pleads with him but the man refuses, and a heated argument starts. Finally, a stewardess shows up and demands he throw the cigar out. The man yells, "Fine, for heaven sakes!". He throws the cigar out of the window and the plane falls and crashes. They all die.
You: Have you heard that joke about no and me neither?
You: Me neither.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Whats worse than the Holocaust? 6 million Jews.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn't, he's dead.
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Two bears are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other - "I'm gonna f**k you in the ass".
What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.
What's the difference between a lamp post and a cat? Motorcycles don't have doors!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.
What did the asian say to the black guy? "Hello"
Two whales are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says "Oooouuuuuuueueeeeeouuuoooeoeiie iiooaoaaaoaoeiieuaoaoooeeieeeeua iaaaauuuuoooaaiiiiaiaaaaoooiiiio o!" The other responds, "You must be really drunk."
What's the worst thing about two black guys getting hit by a car? They were my friends.
Guy 1: Last night I saved a girl from getting raped at the bar!
Guy 2: Really! How?
Guy 1: I changed my mind!
You have beautiful eyes -- THEY'D LOOK BETTER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Two guys were walking down the street, when one of guy said to the other, "I'm hungry, let's eat." The other guy (he was bald) said, "OK."
Why do women drink Diet Coke and wear make-up? Because they're fat and ugly.
A black man, an Asian man, and a Jewish man walk into a bar. What a fine example of a diverse and integrated community.
Royal Mail, sign for this please.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot.
A man decides he's going to build a big brick barbecue grill for his backyard. He decides to go buy the materials, but his wife says, "You'll buy too much junk and we'll have leftover junk littering our back yard!" So he promises he'll use every piece.
He buys the materials, builds the grill, and it's beautiful. But he winds up with one brick leftover. Afraid his wife will be angry, and not knowing what to do with it, he throws the brick into the air.
(Original post by spocckka)
- 15-12-2010 21:31
Gold walks into a bar and orders a pint. When it's ready he grabs it and walks briskly out of the bar without paying. The barman notices this and shouts, 'Ay! You!'
Does a white bear or brown bear dissolve in water?
The white one, because it is polar!
How much is a tooth in a glass of water?
A proton walks into a bar and buys a drink. He asks the bartender how much it costs. The bartender says "For you, no charge!"
You've got to love chemistry, eh?
- 15-12-2010 21:31
Pi and the square root of -1 get into a fight. The square root pleads "be rational", Pi shouts "get real".
- 15-12-2010 22:06
"Look! That's Maggie Thatcher driving a tank!"
"You're right! It looks, dangerous, evil and as though it's about to kill us!"
"Yeah, and the tank doesn't look too friendly either."
(They get run over).
THATCHER: "Now wait until I use this on those other student protesters".
Best I could do in a hurry.
- 15-12-2010 22:15
A man walks into a bar.
- Thread Starter
- 15-12-2010 22:18
- 15-12-2010 22:19
(Original post by fletchdd02)
- 15-12-2010 22:29
Oops I can't believe I got that wrong seen as I got an A* in my GCSE chemistry mock today!
Aren't the names of them giving you any clues? Protons, Neutrons and electrons will be obvious after you know the first two
- 15-12-2010 22:31
What do you call a Spider with no legs?Spoiler:ShowA raisin.
- 15-12-2010 22:42
- 15-12-2010 22:45
- 15-12-2010 22:47
and it was just a joking comment anyway
- 15-12-2010 22:56
Q.What do you call a man with no shins?
- 15-12-2010 23:01
A doctor, an architect and a politician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure.
The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.
Then the politician said "And who do you think caused all this chaos?"Spoiler:ShowNick Clegg. I'm looking at you
- 15-12-2010 23:02
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She had no arms.
- 15-12-2010 23:26
(Original post by ddua_dduges)
- 15-12-2010 23:32
Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed with him?
Because he was afraid of having nightmares!!
Just so I've made a contribution I've got a joke......
Guy walks into a bar and says....... ouch!!Last edited by ~*Horse_Mad*~; 16-12-2010 at 23:38.