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    A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

    The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

    "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat *****."
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    Why can't Chinese people use the phone?

    Because they wing the wrong number ;D
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    (Original post by mc1000)
    So it seems that David Cameron is raising tuition fees.

    Not to worry. The last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six.


    L.O.L
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    (Original post by RedGuy)
    Joke 1

    A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.

    Joke 2

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

    Joke 3

    A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

    Joke 4

    Your mother is so morbidly obese that she is at great risk for heart disease.

    Joke 5

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

    Joke 6

    Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

    Joke 7

    Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    Joke 8

    Why did the deer cross the road? So it could stand in the middle of the ****ing road and kill my dad in a crash when I was 15. (RIP Kevin)

    Joke 9

    Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

    Joke 10

    Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

    Joke 11

    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

    Joke 12

    A nun is on a plane, escorting a trained chimpanzee to an orphanage. After some time, the chimp won't sit still. The nun notices it's because of a man smoking a big cigar, and the smoke is going right in the chimps face. The nun asks him nicely to throw out the cigar, but he refuses. She pleads with him but the man refuses, and a heated argument starts. Finally, a stewardess shows up and demands he throw the cigar out. The man yells, "Fine, for heaven sakes!". He throws the cigar out of the window and the plane falls and crashes. They all die.

    Joke 13

    You: Have you heard that joke about no and me neither?
    Them; No.
    You: Me neither.

    Joke 14

    Knock knock?
    Who's there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom.

    Joke 15

    What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

    Joke 16

    Whats worse than the Holocaust? 6 million Jews.

    Joke 17

    How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn't, he's dead.

    Joke 18

    What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

    Joke 19

    Two bears are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other - "I'm gonna f**k you in the ass".

    Joke 20

    What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.

    Joke 21

    What's the difference between a lamp post and a cat? Motorcycles don't have doors!

    Joke 22

    What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    Joke 23

    Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.

    Joke 24

    What did the asian say to the black guy? "Hello"

    Joke 25

    Two whales are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says "Oooouuuuuuueueeeeeouuuoooeoeiie iiooaoaaaoaoeiieuaoaoooeeieeeeua iaaaauuuuoooaaiiiiaiaaaaoooiiiio o!" The other responds, "You must be really drunk."

    Joke 26

    What's the worst thing about two black guys getting hit by a car? They were my friends.

    Joke 27

    Guy 1: Last night I saved a girl from getting raped at the bar!
    Guy 2: Really! How?
    Guy 1: I changed my mind!

    Joke 28

    You have beautiful eyes -- THEY'D LOOK BETTER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR.

    Joke 29

    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

    Joke 30

    Two guys were walking down the street, when one of guy said to the other, "I'm hungry, let's eat." The other guy (he was bald) said, "OK."

    Joke 31

    Why do women drink Diet Coke and wear make-up? Because they're fat and ugly.

    Joke 32

    A black man, an Asian man, and a Jewish man walk into a bar. What a fine example of a diverse and integrated community.

    Joke 33

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Royal Mail, sign for this please.

    Joke 34

    What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot.

    Joke 35

    A man decides he's going to build a big brick barbecue grill for his backyard. He decides to go buy the materials, but his wife says, "You'll buy too much junk and we'll have leftover junk littering our back yard!" So he promises he'll use every piece.
    He buys the materials, builds the grill, and it's beautiful. But he winds up with one brick leftover. Afraid his wife will be angry, and not knowing what to do with it, he throws the brick into the air.
    Pahahahahahahahahahaha.
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    (Original post by spocckka)
    Gold walks into a bar and orders a pint. When it's ready he grabs it and walks briskly out of the bar without paying. The barman notices this and shouts, 'Ay! You!'



    (chemistry joke)
    Lol, I have got plenty of chemistry jokes. Here are the ones I can remember:
    Does a white bear or brown bear dissolve in water?
    The white one, because it is polar!

    How much is a tooth in a glass of water?
    One mole-ar!

    A proton walks into a bar and buys a drink. He asks the bartender how much it costs. The bartender says "For you, no charge!"

    You've got to love chemistry, eh?
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    Pi and the square root of -1 get into a fight. The square root pleads "be rational", Pi shouts "get real".
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    "Look! That's Maggie Thatcher driving a tank!"
    "You're right! It looks, dangerous, evil and as though it's about to kill us!"
    "Yeah, and the tank doesn't look too friendly either."
    (They get run over).
    THATCHER: "Now wait until I use this on those other student protesters".

    Best I could do in a hurry.
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    A man walks into a bar.

    Ouch.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Left Hand Drive)
    This thread :boxing:
    Lol awesome. You win
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    (Original post by SamiFFXIII)
    I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just so wrong.

    Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
    That's disgusting. Those kind of jokes are way out of mein kampfert zone.
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    (Original post by fletchdd02)
    Oops I can't believe I got that wrong seen as I got an A* in my GCSE chemistry mock today!
    Its physics...
    Aren't the names of them giving you any clues? Protons, Neutrons and electrons will be obvious after you know the first two
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    What do you call a Spider with no legs?

    Spoiler:
    Show
    A raisin.
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    (Original post by mf2004)
    maybe that's cause it's physics and not chemistry ^^

    On the other hand, there is a strong interaction between neutrons and protons, that's what holds atoms together.
    It's not the structure of an atom is a part of a chemistry!
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    (Original post by TPS.)
    Its physics...
    Aren't the names of them giving you any clues? Protons, Neutrons and electrons will be obvious after you know the first two
    Well you best call the exam board and tell them to change it because they've obviously got it wrong!
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    (Original post by fletchdd02)
    It's not the structure of an atom is a part of a chemistry!
    As far as I know strong interaction hardly ever appears in chemistry and +- charged particles is physics.

    and it was just a joking comment anyway
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    Q.What do you call a man with no shins?
    A. Tony
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    A doctor, an architect and a politician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.

    The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure.

    The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.

    Then the politician said "And who do you think caused all this chaos?"

    :rofl:

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Nick Clegg. I'm looking at you :nothing:
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    Why did Mary fall off the swings?



    She had no arms.
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    (Original post by There will be Particles)
    I don't get it, please explain it to me

    Outside of a dog a man's best friend is his book...




    inside it's too dark to read.
    nightmares. mares and female horses.
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    (Original post by ddua_dduges)
    Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed with him?

    Because he was afraid of having nightmares!!
    Good Joke, but what a beautiful Horse in your sig!! Fresian if I'm not much mistaken

    Just so I've made a contribution I've got a joke......

    Guy walks into a bar and says....... ouch!!
 
 
 
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