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He has a girlfriend and a child. watch

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    (Original post by dgeorge)
    Good. Good luck with that, it can sometimes be difficult to see things clearly when they're raw and fresh. I hope that the other readers see this post and back off a bit (including myself)

    Clear your head, get him out of your system. It won't be easy, but it's definitely the best thing to do.
    Thank you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Like I've said previously, it's all well and good to say that when you're not in the situation yourself. If it were as easy as that, I wouldn't be posting here. It's difficult when you have feelings involved.

    I have said that I need to have a proper chat with them and establish what he wants, I'm not prepared to be a temporary bit on the side until he gets bored, but at the same time I don't want to completely cut contact with him straight away and think 'what if' for the rest of my life.
    Well of course, it's easier to say "do the right thing" than to actually do it. But you're wanting to do something seriously immoral, what do you expect us to say?

    Just be honest. You say you don't want to think "what if". So you do want to split this kids parents up. In your heart, that's what you want. You don't care about these other people, even children. Some people just aren't good people. From what you've written, I'd be amazed if you ever put someone elses happiness ahead of your own.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    Well of course, it's easier to say "do the right thing" than to actually do it. But you're wanting to do something seriously immoral, what do you expect us to say?

    Just be honest. You say you don't want to think "what if". So you do want to split this kids parents up. In your heart, that's what you want. You don't care about these other people, even children. Some people just aren't good people. From what you've written, I'd be amazed if you ever put someone elses happiness ahead of your own.
    I don't think that's completely fair. I know plenty of couples who have stayed together for the sake of their kids and it's just as unfair and distressing than if the parents had split. I'm not saying that's what should happen, that's not my call to make. I just don't think it's fair to make that kind of assumption about me, that I'm out to ruin a kid's life then carry on like nothing happened. Of course I care. If I didn't, I'd be carrying on seeing him and not have any second thoughts about the consequences but instead I'm constantly in turmoil trying to convince myself to step away from the situation, which is what I know I need to. That way, whatever happens between them isn't influenced by me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't think that's completely fair. I know plenty of couples who have stayed together for the sake of their kids and it's just as unfair and distressing than if the parents had split.

    I'm not saying that's what should happen, that's not my call to make. I just don't think it's fair to make that kind of assumption about me, that I'm out to ruin a kid's life then carry on like nothing happened. Of course I care. If I didn't, I'd be carrying on seeing him and not have any second thoughts about the consequences but instead I'm constantly in turmoil trying to convince myself to step away from the situation, which is what I know I need to. That way, whatever happens between them isn't influenced by me.
    Really? At 21 you know plenty of these couples well enough to feel you can make that judgement?

    It isn't an assumption, I'm going by your own words. If you had any respect for this other women and her child, you wouldn't be sneakily contacting her boyfriend behind her back. You must know your current behaviour is damaging to them, but you're doing it anyway.

    I think it's the exact opposite, you know it's the wrong thing to do but you're trying to ignore that so you can get with this guy.

    You asked for honest answers, there you have it. I'm not going to tell you I think you're a moral person when I don't think you are. This is what people refer to as a test of character. Just message him something like-

    "Hey,

    You know how I feel about you, but the situation is kind of messed up at the moment. You have a family and that has to come first. You have to decide what is best for your child. If you want to stay with X, it's best for everyone that we don't talk anymore."

    But I don't think you will do anything like that. Prove me wrong.
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    (Original post by jumpingjesusholycow)
    Paedophilia is defined as sexual attraction towards pre-pubescent children. Whilst still illegal, attraction toward a 14 year old is almost certainly not paedophilia.
    She could be a late bloomer?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't think that's completely fair. I know plenty of couples who have stayed together for the sake of their kids and it's just as unfair and distressing than if the parents had split. I'm not saying that's what should happen, that's not my call to make. I just don't think it's fair to make that kind of assumption about me, that I'm out to ruin a kid's life then carry on like nothing happened. Of course I care. If I didn't, I'd be carrying on seeing him and not have any second thoughts about the consequences but instead I'm constantly in turmoil trying to convince myself to step away from the situation, which is what I know I need to. That way, whatever happens between them isn't influenced by me.
    It's even more distressing when one of them is having an affair. You've asked for people's advice and when they've told you that you shouldn't have anything else to do with this guy, you aren't willing to accept this. What else do you want people to say? Of course he doesn't love you, he's only sleeping with you because things are rocky at home. That's why he's stringing you along by saying "maybe" something will happen between you in the future or whatever. He's already said he can't split up with her because of the child, so there is your answer. Sorry to be blunt but it seems that being subtle will fall on deaf ears.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We didn't talk about it, I don't think it's relevant anymore. It's in the past. He did lie about his age, but that doesn't change the connection and feelings involved. We did talk about his age when I met him last week, and I think he's just insecure about getting older. He looks and acts younger than he is, like he's in denial of getting older. So maybe that's why he lied initially, for some sort of escape from the reality and eventually it turned into a lot more than that.
    It's really difficult for me to understand what is there to talk about between someone who's 14 with someone who's 24... His intentions back in the day may not have been good and that itself should make you understand he's not a good person. I understand that you can't see the situation objectively now, but believe me, nothing of what you said sounds right and acceptable.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please bear with me, this might end up incredibly long as it's quite complicated.

    When I was 14, I started chatting to a guy online who was 17 and lived in London (I live in Scotland). We chatted for around 1.5 years and I thought I was madly in love with him, as you do at that age. Eventually, he cut off contact and told me that we couldn't even talk anymore and I was gutted. I found out at the end of 2007 that the reason he'd cut contact with me was because he had a girlfriend, and a baby on the way. And he was 24 when we spoke, not 17. I got on with my life and didn't think about him much after that, I had no way of getting in touch with him anyway.

    A few months ago, I decided to Google him out of curiosity and was shocked to stumble across a news article with a picture of him. Basically, his dad had passed away and I wanted to send my condolences so I eventually managed to find him on Facebook (he had blocked me before) and I sent him a message from a different account, not expecting him to reply. He did reply, and we've been chatting again over the past few months.

    The messages started off innocently at first and I didn't think much of it, but eventually they ended up getting a bit flirty and suggestive. I had a trip to London planned and told him about it, and he offered to meet me to show me the sights. I didn't think he would, but I went along with it anyway. About a week before I went to London, I got a phone call from his girlfriend and then she messaged me on Facebook. She'd seen the messages and wanted to know what was going on, and weirdly we ended up in a conversation and she told me that she asks herself why she's with him and that she doesn't want to break up the relationship between him and their child.

    I went to London last week, and he met me one afternoon. It was pretty surreal, considering it's been over 7 years now since we first started talking. I'm 21 now, he's 31. He ended up kissing me, and I know it was wrong but I didn't stop him. He left about dinner time to get back home, and as soon as he left, I just broke down in tears. I was almost hoping that when I met him, I'd think he was a bit weird or not be that bothered, but it was like all these feelings came flooding back all at once. I told him I felt miserable once he'd left, and he managed to come back that night to see me. We ended up sleeping together - again, wrong I know, but it just felt right. Again, he had to leave me.

    We talked a lot, and he pretty much echoed what his gf had told me. He said he can't leave her because their son means everything to him. He doesn't want to be one of those part-time dads who only sees their kid at weekends, and he got pretty upset talking about it. He says him and gf don't get on.

    I know that the first thing to think reading this would be that I shouldn't have met him, he has a girlfriend and is unavailable, I'm a homewrecker or something... But I really just need honest opinions on this horrible situation. I'm back in Scotland now, and I feel so low and depressed at the thought of being 100s of miles away from him again. He's told me it won't be a one-time thing, and that maybe things will be different when I move down south in September.

    I just don't know how to convince him that staying with someone for the sake of a child isn't right. I understand where he's coming from and I know it's difficult, but I don't want him to regret staying in an unhappy relationship when he's older and the child has grown up. And I know it's unlikely for men in relationships to leave for the 'other woman' but if even his girlfriend has admitted they're only together for a child, isn't it just a matter of time before one of them has had enough and leaves?

    I absolutely hate the sneaking around and only being able to text him at certain times of day. He calls me on his lunch at work and texts when he can, and he wants to meet me next month but I just hate that I'm so far away and he's at home living a completely different life. I don't want to just be a bit of fun for him, a distraction from his relationship. Normally, I'd be cynical and think that he's just saying what I want to hear about only being with her because of the child but the thing is, she's admitted that too.

    I don't want to be the homewrecker, I don't want to cause trouble and I know that I could ruin everything between them if I wanted to - I could easily message her and ruin everything. But I don't want to do that, there's a child involved and it isn't fair on anyone. Similarly, I don't want her to find out by him slipping up. I guess I want him to realize that he shouldn't be with her, and leave of his own accord. But I can't even ask him to do that, because it would be like asking him to choose me over his child.

    It's such a messed up situation, and if you've read all of this then I applaud you, I really do! Any advice would really be appreciated. Please don't just tell me to leave it and forget about him, because I just can't do that, it's out of the question. x
    You are partly right I'd say if they aren't happy they should split up, cause the child will see and it might result in cheating. But at the end of the day it isn't your relationship they have to make the decision.

    I'd say the best thing to do is back up and let you carry on with your life and if he gets in contact with you if he's split up, knock yourself out.
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    (Original post by hannahisasmit)
    You are partly right I'd say if they aren't happy they should split up, cause the child will see and it might result in cheating. But at the end of the day it isn't your relationship they have to make the decision.

    I'd say the best thing to do is back up and let you carry on with your life and if he gets in contact with you if he's split up, knock yourself out.
    Yeah you're right, I need to back off. If he's worth anything and if I mean anything to him, he'll do something. I'm just not prepared to sit on the sidelines and be there when it's convenient for him, he's getting the best of both worlds right now and it's not right.
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    (Original post by Alter-ego)
    She could be a late bloomer?
    "On average, girls begin puberty at ages 10–11"

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puberty


    She'd have to be a one-in-a-million medical anomaly to be a prepubescent child at fourteen. I think it's safe to say 14 year olds aren't prepubescent. They are adolescents (still doesn't make it right though, mind).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah you're right, I need to back off. If he's worth anything and if I mean anything to him, he'll do something. I'm just not prepared to sit on the sidelines and be there when it's convenient for him, he's getting the best of both worlds right now and it's not right.
    Please keep us updated re what happens, OP - it'd be interesting to see what he says/how you react. Best of luck, but it is for the best if you leave him and you seem to be coming to terms with that fact.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please bear with me, this might end up incredibly long as it's quite complicated.

    When I was 14, I started chatting to a guy online who was 17 and lived in London (I live in Scotland). We chatted for around 1.5 years and I thought I was madly in love with him, as you do at that age. Eventually, he cut off contact and told me that we couldn't even talk anymore and I was gutted. I found out at the end of 2007 that the reason he'd cut contact with me was because he had a girlfriend, and a baby on the way. And he was 24 when we spoke, not 17. I got on with my life and didn't think about him much after that, I had no way of getting in touch with him anyway.

    A few months ago, I decided to Google him out of curiosity and was shocked to stumble across a news article with a picture of him. Basically, his dad had passed away and I wanted to send my condolences so I eventually managed to find him on Facebook (he had blocked me before) and I sent him a message from a different account, not expecting him to reply. He did reply, and we've been chatting again over the past few months.

    The messages started off innocently at first and I didn't think much of it, but eventually they ended up getting a bit flirty and suggestive. I had a trip to London planned and told him about it, and he offered to meet me to show me the sights. I didn't think he would, but I went along with it anyway. About a week before I went to London, I got a phone call from his girlfriend and then she messaged me on Facebook. She'd seen the messages and wanted to know what was going on, and weirdly we ended up in a conversation and she told me that she asks herself why she's with him and that she doesn't want to break up the relationship between him and their child.

    I went to London last week, and he met me one afternoon. It was pretty surreal, considering it's been over 7 years now since we first started talking. I'm 21 now, he's 31. He ended up kissing me, and I know it was wrong but I didn't stop him. He left about dinner time to get back home, and as soon as he left, I just broke down in tears. I was almost hoping that when I met him, I'd think he was a bit weird or not be that bothered, but it was like all these feelings came flooding back all at once. I told him I felt miserable once he'd left, and he managed to come back that night to see me. We ended up sleeping together - again, wrong I know, but it just felt right. Again, he had to leave me.

    We talked a lot, and he pretty much echoed what his gf had told me. He said he can't leave her because their son means everything to him. He doesn't want to be one of those part-time dads who only sees their kid at weekends, and he got pretty upset talking about it. He says him and gf don't get on.

    I know that the first thing to think reading this would be that I shouldn't have met him, he has a girlfriend and is unavailable, I'm a homewrecker or something... But I really just need honest opinions on this horrible situation. I'm back in Scotland now, and I feel so low and depressed at the thought of being 100s of miles away from him again. He's told me it won't be a one-time thing, and that maybe things will be different when I move down south in September.

    I just don't know how to convince him that staying with someone for the sake of a child isn't right. I understand where he's coming from and I know it's difficult, but I don't want him to regret staying in an unhappy relationship when he's older and the child has grown up. And I know it's unlikely for men in relationships to leave for the 'other woman' but if even his girlfriend has admitted they're only together for a child, isn't it just a matter of time before one of them has had enough and leaves?

    I absolutely hate the sneaking around and only being able to text him at certain times of day. He calls me on his lunch at work and texts when he can, and he wants to meet me next month but I just hate that I'm so far away and he's at home living a completely different life. I don't want to just be a bit of fun for him, a distraction from his relationship. Normally, I'd be cynical and think that he's just saying what I want to hear about only being with her because of the child but the thing is, she's admitted that too.

    I don't want to be the homewrecker, I don't want to cause trouble and I know that I could ruin everything between them if I wanted to - I could easily message her and ruin everything. But I don't want to do that, there's a child involved and it isn't fair on anyone. Similarly, I don't want her to find out by him slipping up. I guess I want him to realize that he shouldn't be with her, and leave of his own accord. But I can't even ask him to do that, because it would be like asking him to choose me over his child.

    It's such a messed up situation, and if you've read all of this then I applaud you, I really do! Any advice would really be appreciated. Please don't just tell me to leave it and forget about him, because I just can't do that, it's out of the question. x
    i think it is easy for some people to judge as we have absolute morals, that we would never think of doing- however i see where she is coming from, when you love some that much its hard to see the actual truth.
    if im honest, i think you do love him and he likes you, but from an outside opinion i dont think he loves you, but if you feel sh#t from doing this then stop, you know you want to otherwise you wouldnt be so upset. The relationship will be torture in your mind and coming from experience, its better to leave the self destructive relationship even though you love him, because youll always have that feeling of guilt
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    (Original post by Scienceisgood)
    Guys, I don't think beating her up any more than she already has been is going to help at all.
    She understands what she done was wrong and continuing to say some of the disgusting things like some people are saying could prove dangerous as some people really take these things to heart.

    So, instead of bashing her, how about offering constructive criticism?
    She got constructive criticism. She was told, "leave"; we were told, "no".
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    #1

    (Original post by CJKay)
    She got constructive criticism. She was told, "leave"; we were told, "no".
    Not entirely true. I've said several times now that I'm appreciative of the harsh comments, but comments saying I'm disgusting and people wishing me to get hit by a car are unwarranted and not helpful in the slightest.
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    (Original post by snazzysazzy1)
    i think it is easy for some people to judge as we have absolute morals, that we would never think of doing- however i see where she is coming from, when you love some that much its hard to see the actual truth.
    if im honest, i think you do love him and he likes you, but from an outside opinion i dont think he loves you, but if you feel sh#t from doing this then stop, you know you want to otherwise you wouldnt be so upset. The relationship will be torture in your mind and coming from experience, its better to leave the self destructive relationship even though you love him, because youll always have that feeling of guilt
    Thank you, I know now it needs to stop. x
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    I donoo how your story ended, but here is a piece of advice from the other side of the globe (one of the Centeal-Europe states, doesn't matter), as my own romance just ended in tears and pain, though I am a grown up woman at 43:
    - when we met there was instant spark, so intense, that I've never felt anything like that in my lifetime; I was smitten
    - I didn't have any relationship nor sex for the past 8 years prior to meeting Him
    - he is 10 years younger and a very attractive ex-footbal player, charmin, smart and well-spoken; I am very good looking either and also a public person, so our age gap didn't show.
    - he lied to me first about his GF first and we had sex that was beyonf amazing; I fell for him, only to find out later that not only was he taken, but 2 months into a relationship he also told me they had 10-months old baby at home and just became parents - and that he doesn't get along with her, sex is boring etc.
    - I pursued the relationship despite knowing he already has someone
    - he said all the right things, including leading me on for several times, that's why even though I am a smart, well educated woman with lots of experience under my belt, I still fell for the illusion of 'us' for the future
    - he also fell for me after few months and this is when he started to pull out; after a week of not hearing from him when he retreated to his 'cave' for isolation and some thinking, he came back to me and told me he will stay with his GF for the sake of the child, as he doesn't want to be a 'weekend-daddy' nor he wants any other man to take on his Dad's role.
    - he admitted to have feelings for me, but decided to put them aside and suggested me we become FWB, which I couldn't as I really wanted him for a real relationship and was expecting him to leave his GF and a child
    - we quit having sex - it was maybe the most amazing part of our affair - and tried to be just friends, but I eventually couldn't take it, as every time I was around him, I felt real pain for not be able to touch him anymore or have a kiss on the lips anymore - I just coulnd't handle it... it felt sore, like an open wound, just worse
    - so after a month or maybe a month and half of this unberable torture we both called quits
    - it still hurts me, it just ended and I am heart-broken right before Xmass and New Year holidays while he had the best of both worlds, literally having a cake and eating it too.
    I wish I knew the truth about him on time - or that I would least end the affair right after finding out the whole truth about his unavailability... but I was so deep into it already and emotionally involved.
    Now I am hurt and he will play a happy family under the Xmass tree while my loneliness is killing me. And I am also pretty sure he will just find another OW to play along with. Life is a ***** and unfair. I hope you moved on with your life on time. Find someone AVAILABLE to yourself. As I will have to, if not, my dog will keep being the only consolence to me. Which in fact sucks, because all I basically want (as most of women do) is to find a REAL LOVE. And I am not yung anymore so I won't waste my time on assclowns as this player I dated was.
 
 
 
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