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My boyfriend slept with his landlord to pay his rent Watch

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    (Original post by Ribbits)
    The fact is that people are massively flawed. You just have to find someone that is compatible with you in all the ways you find most important and will cause you problems in ways that you are willing to deal with. But most of all (in my opinion) is genuinely committed to and actually wants you too.

    My fiance as part of his nature is insecure, jealous, unreliable, socially anxious, bad with money, will probably never have a particularly fruitful career. He is also extremely intuitive, sensitive, as a fact would never even look at another woman, devoted, patient, emotionally extremely intelligent and the best listener anyone could meet. He might put me through the same heartache 50 times breaking the same promises for seemingly no reason, but as life partners we're ridiculously compatible. We have the same outlooks, interests, sensibilities. I of course have my own flaws of equal extremes that he has to deal with: I can be emotionally unstable, fly into crazed states that it's difficult to bring me out of. We trust each other solidly 100%, because we know each others' characters. We know our failings and can see the effort and care we take in acknowledging and trying to correct them - but also recognise it's a slow progress. We're not mindless or careless, but we are human. We enrich each other's lives to no end, even though there are things about our relationship that other people wouldn't/couldn't want to deal with.

    Your relationship is only very young, you haven't even found out yet what the full extent of your problems are (we didn't until about 1.5 or 2 years into ours). But when you become extremely close to someone and are compatible, you get some idea of who and what they are and can imagine - it's part of falling in love. So the fact that already you've run into a very testing time is indicitive of the fact it will not be an easy ride. Do not expect this not to happen again in different ways, it will - he has a lot of issues. You have to decide, is this what you want? Is he committed to you, truly, in the fact that he doesn't want to hurt you? Do you think it's worth it?

    Personally, no freaking way could I deal with that. I would walk away. There are certain things I could and would not deal with: alcoholism, gambling addiction, womanising and the kind of issues your boyfriend has (which are different to just womanising, hard to explain concisely but you'll understand me). All kinds of problems are psychological and longterm, they don't necessarily mean the person isn't right for you (although sometimes they aren't): I believe my fiance and I are a perfect match. Other people can and do deal with alcholism, gambling etc. and make it work. It just depends on the people.

    You are also only 18, it's cliche but you will grow and change so be careful making such big decisions. That doesn't mean to say you are wrong if you do. This is your life, only you can decide how you feel is the best way to live it. With problems and extreme characters often come incredible positives. Not always, you might actually still just not be compatible enough, but sometimes.

    Also, don't ever let all this be an excuse for someone to treat you badly or trap you in an abusive relationship, there's a fine line! Abuse is different to hurtful flaws that the person acknowledges and works on while overall enhancing your life.

    You should maybe watch Frida, very good film. Her husband was a passionate artistic manwhore who caused her much pain but in the end was ultimately there for her. Not really the same situatioin as you, but it demonstrates my point that everyone makes their choices.
    Thanks for your insightful post. I'm happy to hear about your relationship
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    I hate to say it buy it's high time you engaged your brain OP. Your boyfriend is prideful to the point where he'd rather deeply hurt you than bite the bullet and accept financial aid from his parents or get a job. That's assuming he's not just controlled by his **** and has conjured up this story in to have a convenient excuse.

    But my (and everyone else's) efforts on this thread are probably wasted. I'm sure you'll change him eventually.
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    (Original post by Ribbits)
    Can't seem to give you a positive rating for some reason. But yes. Actually didn't read this until after my post, I agree though. He does sound like a genuine person to me, which is why it boils down to whether she truly is suited to him and can accept and live through his issues with him (he's a different sort to my kind of person, doesn't mean he is to hers).

    I think there's a level of immaturity that seems to endure well into adulthood for a lot of people who've never had to learn more about human nature. The difficult part is, I don't want to sell anyone down the river making them think they should pursue when actually they have just misjudged a person/their actual compatibility with them and they would both be better off following different paths. Somehow don't feel like that's the case in this thread, just always could be wrong.
    It would be genuine if the story added up, that's the problem.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Like I said, I'm just saying what he told me. I don't know every detail of his situation, and I might not even have said it right. He might get some other kind of aid. I've avoided your point because I don't know what to say to it. I'm sorry but I don't know a lot about benefits, and if he did get all of these things paid for I don't see what he would gain from lying about it.
    Fair enough OP is you don't know how the system works but I'm telling you now how it works. There are only two things who would be claiming in order to support himself and if he's not working he must be supporting himself somehow.

    The two things he claim claim are; 1. JSA-unemployed
    2.ESA- unable to work due to illness or disability

    These are the only two things he's entitled to. In both cases he is entitled to housing benefit. You can check this out yourself if you wish. Therefore I see no reason why his rent couldn't be paid.

    You ask why he would lie? Well, obviously I'm speculating, but I would say so he can get away with things like having sex with his LL. There's plenty of reasons why people would lie about things.

    What I'm trying to say is it's a bit weird when you look at the whole story.
    He has a history
    Loads of ongoing flirty texts with LL
    Says things like he knows she wants him
    Sleeps with her
    Claims it was because he owed her rent
    But he's entitled to HB and would have his rent paid.

    I'm sorry OP, I'm not trying to be rude I'm just trying to be honest. I agree with ilem, you need to engage your brain and stop thinking with your heart here. I also agree that it was evident at the beginning of the thread that you have already made your decision, you seem to be actively interpreting things in a way that would allow you to excuse him rather than accepting things for what they are.

    Anyway seeing as you have already made a decision I guess it will either work out or you'll learn the hard way but I wish you all the best either way



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    (Original post by miscounted_time)
    Fair enough OP is you don't know how the system works but I'm telling you now how it works. There are only two things who would be claiming in order to support himself and if he's not working he must be supporting himself somehow.

    The two things he claim claim are; 1. JSA-unemployed
    2.ESA- unable to work due to illness or disability

    These are the only two things he's entitled to. In both cases he is entitled to housing benefit. You can check this out yourself if you wish. Therefore I see no reason why his rent couldn't be paid.

    You ask why he would lie? Well, obviously I'm speculating, but I would say so he can get away with things like having sex with his LL. There's plenty of reasons why people would lie about things.

    What I'm trying to say is it's a bit weird when you look at the whole story.
    He has a history
    Loads of ongoing flirty texts with LL
    Says things like he knows she wants him
    Sleeps with her
    Claims it was because he owed her rent
    But he's entitled to HB and would have his rent paid.

    I'm sorry OP, I'm not trying to be rude I'm just trying to be honest. I agree with ilem, you need to engage your brain and stop thinking with your heart here. I also agree that it was evident at the beginning of the thread that you have already made your decision, you seem to be actively interpreting things in a way that would allow you to excuse him rather than accepting things for what they are.

    Anyway seeing as you have already made a decision I guess it will either work out or you'll learn the hard way but I wish you all the best either way



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    Thanks for your response/advice. I honestly didn't even question that he could be lying about not being able to pay his rent :/ it's definitely given me something else to think about now, though.
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    Okay I felt quite compelled to reply to this thread cause it's such a strange situation. Here's my take on it.

    So, it sounds as if you are both quite special to each other. Reason I say this is because he turned his sexual problems around when he met you, and seems to be so broken up about what he did. He wouldn't be that way if you weren't incredibly special to him
    And you obviously feel that he's very special to you, because even after what he did you clearly are very confused and unsure about it all.
    So the relationship, from my perspective, sounds as if it's what they call 'a keeper'. Which makes it complicated because from my perspective, cheating of most kinds is enough to just say "I'm done with it", even for kissing, not even to mention sex. But your relationship sounds different and maybe as if it might be worth fighting for.

    The issue is, what he did was very bad. Okay, there is his situation which really sucks, but that will never condone what he did, because it hurt you immensely. It was a truly terrible thing for him to do, regardless of his money situation. Especially because he had other options to get money (his brother). However, his pride got the better of him and ultimately it has come down to this: he valued his pride over your feelings, in that situation. And that's why I say it's so bad. The problem with this is it sounds like this sex thing is a genuine personal problem for him, and you could view it in some ways as an illness. It must be, for him to have jeopardised something he valued so much. And that's what makes it difficult, because his reaction to what happened speaks volumes. It sounds like he really regrets it and can't forgive himself.

    Now I can't tell you what you should do, because I don't know you or your boyfriend, and the experiences you've had together. But I can give you an insight to what I would do in your situation.
    So, what I would probably do is tell my girlfriend that I would need some time to think about everything, and then cut contact for a few weeks, as you've been advised to do.
    Then, my conclusion would probably end up being that I would contact my girlfriend and talk to them about the situation in a calm and less emotional way, and try to understand what they was thinking. Then I could judge everything, and try to figure out if there was a chance that they could turn things around, and if I thought they could I would give them a chance, maybe not necessarily relationship wise, but friendship at least.
    Also I would need an assurance from them on a few things:
    1. That what happened was a product of the difficult situation they found themselves in, and that they didn't do it for pleasure (and probably that they got no pleasure from it).
    2. That they understood that they would have to do something about the situation (no money) for me to remain with them, ie. accept some money from family, because they effectively put their pride above my feelings, which was not okay.
    3. That they understood that if anything like it happened again, I would be gone without a second's notice.

    Oh and a few more things.
    Firstly, it wasn't rape because even if he didn't like doing it, he did consent to doing it, it was his choice.
    Secondly, it's very difficult if you think he might have actually wanted to do it. And in that situation, if you are at all unsure, I'm sorry but you probably should break it off. You deserve better.

    Hopefully this helped
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    (Original post by Lyman)
    The last few sentences of your post speak volumes compared to the rest of it.

    "We've only been dating a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially enough to give them my virginity."

    I assume this is your first serious relationship, and as you might have found getting to know someone in this way is an exciting, whirlwind experience. You feel as if you've truly met a soul mate you know and identify with thoroughly. This isn't the case. Strong, long-lasting relationships are built on years and even decades of trust and companionship.

    Indeed, it is impossible to know someone fully after "a few months" but that you feel insecure is already a bad sign. As such, the opinions of those who have known him for years cannot be discounted. Whilst I think it entirely plausible that he wanted to 'change' in order to be with you, the old adage "a leopard never changes spots" stands true. If he was committed to you then he wouldn't have done what he did, regardless of his financial situation.

    Although it's hard, I'd personally advise you to end the relationship with little intention of resuming it. His actions connote a fundamental lack of respect for you and indeed, the terrible violation of trust that he has committed will cause difficulties for years to come. Any chance of a good and healthy relationship is permanently annulled. You are still young, life will change beyond recognition in the next few years and it is inevitable that you will meet new people, some of whom you will be able to build more worthwhile and strong relationships with.

    If you do accept him back (which I'd emphatically advise against), then it has to be under your terms which he strictly adheres to. Any deviation must result in the permanent end of the relationship.
    Peach it!

    very good advice here
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    (Original post by Telloth)
    Okay I felt quite compelled to reply to this thread cause it's such a strange situation. Here's my take on it.

    So, it sounds as if you are both quite special to each other. Reason I say this is because he turned his sexual problems around when he met you, and seems to be so broken up about what he did. He wouldn't be that way if you weren't incredibly special to him
    And you obviously feel that he's very special to you, because even after what he did you clearly are very confused and unsure about it all.
    So the relationship, from my perspective, sounds as if it's what they call 'a keeper'. Which makes it complicated because from my perspective, cheating of most kinds is enough to just say "I'm done with it", even for kissing, not even to mention sex. But your relationship sounds different and maybe as if it might be worth fighting for.

    The issue is, what he did was very bad. Okay, there is his situation which really sucks, but that will never condone what he did, because it hurt you immensely. It was a truly terrible thing for him to do, regardless of his money situation. Especially because he had other options to get money (his brother). However, his pride got the better of him and ultimately it has come down to this: he valued his pride over your feelings, in that situation. And that's why I say it's so bad. The problem with this is it sounds like this sex thing is a genuine personal problem for him, and you could view it in some ways as an illness. It must be, for him to have jeopardised something he valued so much. And that's what makes it difficult, because his reaction to what happened speaks volumes. It sounds like he really regrets it and can't forgive himself.

    Now I can't tell you what you should do, because I don't know you or your boyfriend, and the experiences you've had together. But I can give you an insight to what I would do in your situation.
    So, what I would probably do is tell my girlfriend that I would need some time to think about everything, and then cut contact for a few weeks, as you've been advised to do.
    Then, my conclusion would probably end up being that I would contact my girlfriend and talk to them about the situation in a calm and less emotional way, and try to understand what they was thinking. Then I could judge everything, and try to figure out if there was a chance that they could turn things around, and if I thought they could I would give them a chance, maybe not necessarily relationship wise, but friendship at least.
    Also I would need an assurance from them on a few things:
    1. That what happened was a product of the difficult situation they found themselves in, and that they didn't do it for pleasure (and probably that they got no pleasure from it).
    2. That they understood that they would have to do something about the situation (no money) for me to remain with them, ie. accept some money from family, because they effectively put their pride above my feelings, which was not okay.
    3. That they understood that if anything like it happened again, I would be gone without a second's notice.

    Oh and a few more things.
    Firstly, it wasn't rape because even if he didn't like doing it, he did consent to doing it, it was his choice.
    Secondly, it's very difficult if you think he might have actually wanted to do it. And in that situation, if you are at all unsure, I'm sorry but you probably should break it off. You deserve better.

    Hopefully this helped
    Thanks for your post. This is really good advice

    I think I actually needed a detailed step-by-step in what to do about this.
 
 
 
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