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The Illogical Side to Spock - living with OCD, BDD and panic disorder Watch

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    I used my normal semi permanent dye conditioner that I top up my colour with every week or so and for some reason it came out darker than usual and its went darkest brown almost black in some places so my hair is a mix of black, brown and dark red. Its triggering off my BDD and I've been taking a million and one pics and I've been looking in the mirror constantly and I keep asking Callan if it looks stupid and its annoying him. trying my best to rock it til it washes out a bit!
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    So I went to a new GP today and I discussed my concerns about my therapist and told her what has happened and she was appalled and agreed that I shouldn't go any more to that therapist. She has instead urgently referred me to a psychologist so I don't know of that means I'll get CBT or it'll be more like a talking therapy but I'll keep you all updated

    I honestly feel like a giant weight has been lifted knowing I don't have to go back to that therapist again

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    You know every so often you get those days that are perfect even though nothing major happens? Today was one of those days me and Callan just went for a walk and then a drive in the sunshine and took silly pics and it just really perked me up and made me feel happy and content :love:

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    Today has been an up and down day and there was an incident with my gran that I'll tell you about. Its just left me really deflated, drained and upset :cry2:

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    Can't remember if I told you guys or not but its my gran's birthday in a fortnight and as a family, we booked her a pink limo ride for an hour and then we were all going for a meal at a local restaurant. From the start it was meant to be me, gran, my mum, stepdad, papa, Callan and gran's neighbour in the limo and then last week gran told me it was just going to be a girly night since my papa and stepdad didn't want to go in the limo but would meet us at the restaurant but she said Callan could still come since his birthday is soon too and he wanted to go in the limo so that was fine and then today I got a call saying under no circumstances is Callan allowed at the limo or the meal and I asked why and she said it was just a girls night including the meal but my papa and stepdad were still invited to the meal and when I quizzed why Callan wasn't invited she tried to worm her way out of it and then admitted its because and I quote "he'll look a mess with his weight and out of place at the meal and he'll eat too much and be an embarrassment."I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when she said that. I told her I'm not going then if its really for that reason. That is my gran all over though - she only cares about how she is perceived and doesn't want to be seen with people who look a mess or are fat. She often tells me I need to lose weight and criticizes my looks all the time and then tells me she doesn't realise she is being hurtful. She can go from being the nicest person ever to the most heartless in a split second. Can't remember if I posted this when it happened a month ago but remember my papa didn't get his transplant? She asked me what I would do if she was on a life support machine and there was no chance of her recovering and I said I would turn it off and that I would have lost her the minute she got into that state, not when I switched the machine off and that is exactly what my mum, papa, stepdad and Callan all agree with and she looked me right in the eye and called me evil for that and said she was disappointed in me and thought better of me.I'm just extremely hurt and pissed off at her. She's also said things about my OCD, panics and all that jazz and forever tells me that she expected more from me in life and doesn't even comprehend my illnesses.
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    My OCD has been sky high for the last 2 days now. I know its back at its worst when I start throwing out food for fear it's been laced or contaminated in some way and I become paranoid that someone has been in my flat even when I know that's impossible as my door is locked and my flat is high up so no one can get in the window but I still check around the house constantly to see if anyone is there, I throw out things that I feel someone would contaminate if they were looking to harm me, I set up my webcam to watch the flat when I'm gone and watch it on my phone when I'm out.

    It sounds crazy and I know that but I can't stop it. As you can imagine, I'm not eating a lot due to contamination fears which only leads to me feeling more drained which leads to more panic and obsessions which leads onto compulsions such as not eating out for fear its laced and throwing away perfectly good food.

    I tried eating a frozen chicken dinner meal a little while ago and half way through eating it I noticed some black dried in specks on the chicken and logically I know its some herb in the gravy but my OCD is telling me its shrooms and I'm going to get high or hallucinate so now I have to watch myself for the next two hours to see if anything happens which I know it won't but I can't help it.

    I don't know why I'm writing this post as I know it makes me sound like I am losing the plot but this is a day to day thing for me. Its just really severe today as I'm in a setback. I suppose I want people to see all angles of OCD and not just the commonly portrayed one of "I must wash all the time!". So many people say OCD for the wrong thing and have absolutely no idea how serious the illness is.

    I'm going out later in the hopes that might help me perk up a bit. Here's hoping.

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    Its my 24th bday today :woo: I went over to my mum's for it with the family for a meal and drinks. My panic attacks have been awful lately. I keep waking up every night with them and they are the worst. I feel like I've went back the way in terms of my panics :cry2: I'm struggling to eat, sleep, go out and generally be me because of them.

    Other than having a few panics including recovering from one right now, I've had a good bday
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    Having a lazy day in today which is exactly what I've been needing. Catching up on new episodes of DreamWorks Dragons all you need in life is Netflix and cats

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    Today will be a nerve wracking day for me. You all know about the absolute *****y experience I had with a therapist over the last few months recently. Well, my GP wanted me to keep my last appointment with her today so the therapist could refer me to someone else in her team that knows my conditions more and will know exactly what therapy I need, especially as I wait on my referral to see an urgent psychiatrist.


    So this means having to be 100% truthful about how I've felt about her and my experience which you all know, has been effing dreadful. I'm not a confrontational person generally. I can be blunt with family and friends that I know but people I don't like, people who have authority and all that jazz - I clam up and pretty much let people walk all over me but I've realised that this is my health, I have to be pro active. I won't be rude, I hate hurting or offending people but I still have to be firm enough to get the point across that she hasn't been right for me, even my GP agrees and that I've been let down and require someone else. My GP told me it was optional to go today but it would maybe get me a quicker referral as the therapist would already be working with the next therapist I'll be going to plus, I hope I might be a boost for my confidence if I finally stand up for myself. This would be a pile of piss to a lot of people but I've been dreading it for days along with many other things so I'll be glad to get it over with, regardless how it turns out.


    At first I was going to keep it all hush hush that I had been referred back to a psychiatrist but at the end of the day, you all know what I have - that's not news and I wouldn't feel ashamed going to a cardiologist for a heart problem so why the hell should I be ashamed going to any other health care professional that deals with a specific part of the body or mind? Keeping it in would also only lead to me adding to stigma too as if it is something to be ashamed of which it bloody isn't. I've been to one before, going tp one again and I'll no doubt need it again in the future. **** it, that's life and that is OCD. Also, with true friends it doesn't matter what kind of doctor you see, the see past your illnesses and the see the crazy cat person underneath so no point in hiding those who judge or snigger aren't friends at all and don't deserve any attention

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    Saw this and I had to laugh. Couldn't be anyone worse than my therapist from hell that you all know about :laugh:

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    Callan ordered a munchy box when I was in my bath and I heard him moving stuff into the spare room and assumed he was just tidying up but when I came out I found he made a makeshift candlelight munchy box meal for us :laugh: :laugh: haven't laughed so much for a while. It's wee moments like that you forever treasure I'm a lucky girl

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    How did it go ending with your therapist? Your last session? *
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    (Original post by Jenx301)
    How did it go ending with your therapist? Your last session? *
    I thought I updated the blog with how it went but I must have forgot :laugh:

    Basically, it was a disaster. She pretty much called me liar. She said that the longest I had to wait other than the four weeks before that last appointment was two weeks which was a lie as I was waiting up to 5/6 weeks between appointments and my GP has proof of this. She also said that she never told me that she would find someone else in her team for me to work with if I still didn't like her after a few sessions. That really got to me because when she said that a few sessions before the last, I felt like it was a glimmer of hope that at least she would find me someone else but nope.

    She wouldn't refer me onto anyone else so I had to go back to my GP and now I have an appt with a psychiatrist on 2nd August. I don't know how well that will go as I definitely don't want to take meds but maybe they will offer me some kind of therapy or refer me onto a psychologist or something. I'll keep the blog updated on how that goes

    I've put in a formal complaint against that therapist as I don't want her to get away with that attitude and lies. She could do more damage to someone if she was like that to someone more vulnerable than me. I'm just glad I never have to see her again

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    I thought I updated the blog with how it went but I must have forgot :laugh: Posted from TSR Mobile
    That's really awful I am sorry that she behaved that way - if I were you I would make an official complaint about her behaviour, especially as a therapist she is working with vulnerable people.*

    *sorry just read that you have put a complaint in already! good!*
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    (Original post by Jenx301)
    That's really awful I am sorry that she behaved that way - if I were you I would make an official complaint about her behaviour, especially as a therapist she is working with vulnerable people.*

    *sorry just read that you have put a complaint in already! good!*
    I'll keep the blog updated with any progress or news about the complaint but tbh, I don't see much coming from it but I still feel like I done the right thing
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    I just had the first proud moment regarding conquering OCD for ages, maybe close a year even.

    Gross but I've had athlete's foot for about a month now and I've never had it before and since it was just red and itchy, I thought it was just dry skin but after it wouldn't go away and got more itchy, I mentioned it to the doc when I was there for something else and she said it was athlete's foot and would be gone in a few days with a cream.

    That was a fortnight ago and every time I went to put the cream on, the typical obsessions like "its laced and it's going to seep through skin", " you're gonna take a fatal reaction to it" and all that started and I never took it and the infection started to spread and tonight it was too itchy and I had enough and I just put it on.

    I'm now in the 'watch and wait' phase to see if anything happens. That can last from a few mins to a few hours, generally it's an hour or two. On the verge of a mild panic but trying to keep calm and I wanted to write this. I know it sounds silly but you all know how severe my contamination fears are and I've not even been able to take simple painkillers so this is a small step in the right direction

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    Some good news - my papa is finally back at the top of the transplant list again

    He was removed due to having a severe infection and there was a good chance it would lead to septicemia so its been a bit touch and go over the last few weeks but thankfully it's all cleared up and he's out of the woods so he's been put back on the list and is still at the top of it so fingers crossed he'll get a call with a match soon

    Best news I've had for a while and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted

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    Things haven't been too good the last few days.

    My papa ended up taking ill again so is off the list for another week or so, my phone smashed yesterday and it's close to unusable and then I have my ESA medical tomorrow and I'm a nervous wreck over it. I've not been sleeping or eating right for weeks due to nerves over it. I'll be glad when its over because I feel like I'm going to explode from stress soon :cry2:

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    First appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'll let you all know how it goes :hugs:
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    I clicked on this thread just out of curiosity, and ended up reading all the way through lol I don't know where to start. I hope none of this comes of as arrogant or condescending (I say that so often I think they might just be personality traits I'd rather not acknowledge ) I have so much respect and admiration for your strength in dealing with all your hardships, and for creating this much needed dialogue on mental health issues. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, and agoraphobia that ranges from almost-not-noticeable to paralyzingly present, I'd like to thank you for sharing your experiences here, and also wish you the best for tomorrow with your psychiatrist!!

    If I may ask a few questions?
    1) has dying your hair ever triggered your fears of contamination?
    2) do you have a rough idea of the root cause of your conditions? I mean ocd, bdd, panic attacks & agoraphobia are all obviously heavily related to anxiety, do you think they could be due a serotonin imbalance or neurological issue? or more likely the result of environmental factors/past experiences?
    3) do you find that anything helps alleviate your symptoms? like alcohol or diazepam?

    gonna leave a pretty cool song here for you if you wanna listen, I can't tell you how triumphant I feel listening to this on my good days https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3b0-i1T8Hk
    All the best :five:
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    (Original post by SirKyrgystan)
    I clicked on this thread just out of curiosity, and ended up reading all the way through lol I don't know where to start. I hope none of this comes of as arrogant or condescending (I say that so often I think they might just be personality traits I'd rather not acknowledge ) I have so much respect and admiration for your strength in dealing with all your hardships, and for creating this much needed dialogue on mental health issues. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, and agoraphobia that ranges from almost-not-noticeable to paralyzingly present, I'd like to thank you for sharing your experiences here, and also wish you the best for tomorrow with your psychiatrist!!

    If I may ask a few questions?
    1) has dying your hair ever triggered your fears of contamination?
    2) do you have a rough idea of the root cause of your conditions? I mean ocd, bdd, panic attacks & agoraphobia are all obviously heavily related to anxiety, do you think they could be due a serotonin imbalance or neurological issue? or more likely the result of environmental factors/past experiences?
    3) do you find that anything helps alleviate your symptoms? like alcohol or diazepam?

    gonna leave a pretty cool song here for you if you wanna listen, I can't tell you how triumphant I feel listening to this on my good days https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3b0-i1T8Hk
    All the best :five:
    Hey! Thanks for taking the time to read my ever so long novel, I mean blog nah you don't come across as condescending or arrogant at all

    I'll answer your questions as good as I can, they are some good questions

    1 - yeah hair dye is one of my biggest contamination fears because it is full of chemicals like bleach, ammonia etc and you can take a reaction to it, even brands you have used a million times in the past. That's why I ended up going back to my natural colour - so I wouldn't have to dye it as much and then that would be one less thing to worry about. I used to have to dye it once a month when it was ginger and up to once a week when it was red and each time, I took panic attacks and had my 'watch and wait' period of up to a day of sitting consonantly checking my body and skin for reactions or to see if the dye had been laced with something like a drug or whatever. Hair dying should be fun but it was more like a chore for me because I would obsess over 'what if I take a reaction?!' "what if someone laced that?!" for days or hours after dying it and I couldn't not dye my hair because of the BDD. That made me feel worthless, ugly and damn right stupid for having the slightest imperfection in my hair or roots so I had to grin and bear it. Now that I am back to my natural colour, I only have to top up the dye every few months now which is a lot better and its also helping the condition of my hair as well as giving me one less thing to obsess over. It might be one less thing to stress over but in the grand scheme its made little difference as I obsess over literally everything.


    2. Mental health conditions do run in my family. My mum and gran both have/had depression, panic attacks and my mum has OCD as well. My dad has schizophrenia too so I think a big part of what has caused these conditions is to do with genetics and that could have lead to me having wonky amounts of certain hormones that can cause mental problems but then a lot has happened in my life that has caused extreme distress which can also trigger mental health problems. Its really hard to say for sure and doctors and therapists don't really tell you what caused it either. They just say its a mix and for me, I do think its been a mix of biological predispositions to mental health problems due to my genetics and also environmental factors.

    3. I do drink sometimes, maybe like once or twice a week. It sometimes helps with my anxiety but most of the time it makes it worse. I always get paranoid that my drink has been spiked, even if I drink at home so I sit and watch myself for hours after having even just a sip. The same happens if I go to a bar and order a soft drink, I still watch myself and I get convinced that I can feel some effect even though its non alcoholic and that makes me think I have been spiked even when logically I know I haven't but it sets me off for hours of panic and I can't get myself out of that state, I have to wait to come out of it. I have tried Valium in the past as I was prescribed them pretty much every time I went to the docs for anxiety problems despite me telling them I can't even take a painkiller due to contamination fears that someone has laced them so how likely is it going to be that I take a pill with anything to do with mental health?! see trying to explain that to some doctors :facepalm: I have tried them once and Valium made me more panicky than before I took them :laugh: I felt so numb and I am used to my mind going at 100mph and my stomach churning, my muscles being all tight etc so when I felt light, it made me panic and I never took them again :laugh:

    I don't really have anything that calms me down quickly. I try and sit in the moment for as long as I can to try and show my body and mind that there's nothing to worry about but its easier said than done.

    If you have any more questions let me know
 
 
 
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