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GF doesnt wants sex, been together 2 years now

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Phantom Phoenix

She may have tried penetration herself, she may have had previous boyfriends who tried to sleep with her...one of the most common causes is inability to use tampons because insertion is impossible. Lots of possible ways. Not that I'm saying this is the problem, just that it could be and that judging this girl harshly because she's not ready to have sex is unfair. The only thing this girl is doing wrong is failing to talk to her boyfriend about it.

That's pretty interesting. Can it go away by itself? I was unable to use tampons for years and years because it hurt so much to try to put them in, but it didn't feel like it was to do with my hymen or anything. I didn't manage to do it until after I'd had sex in the end.

By the way, I'm sorry to hear about your condition, it must be frustrating :frown:

It sounds like you have a boyfriend who will work through it with you though, which is really nice.

Reply 101

unfinished sympathy

qwertyytrewqm

Ok i met my girl at uni. We been togther 2 years now, both 20 and virgins and i love her very much!
The only thing is she doesnt want to have sex. And I really want to. I mean im 20 now and kind of feel like im missing out, you know what I mean? I dont go on at my girlfriend about this but when I have asked why she doesnt want to do it she just says 'im now ready yet'.
Its been 2 years and im willing to wait for another year if necessary because I love her so much and never want to be with anyone else. Im just curious for your opinions on this and how long were you with your partner for when you decided to lose your virginity?
Thanks :smile:

crikey- she's not ready yet? maybe you need to ask her why she isn't ready yet, or start foreplay with one another to get her used to it or something.

i think you need an award for the most patient person on the planet :eek:

Reply 102

Phantom Phoenix

Jelkin

It sounds like you have a boyfriend who will work through it with you though, which is really nice.

Yeah, I'm really lucky :smile:

Basically vaginismus is 100% curable with time and effort but isn't well understood; the woman has a psychological reaction to penetration, sometimes caused by sexual abuse or fear of pain (either of first-time sex or because of a previous painful experience) or even from something as apparently silly as a prohibitive attitude at home regarding sex. The psychological reaction causes a physical contraction of muscles which makes the vagina either painful or impossible to enter. Usually vaginismus has to be worked through (I won't go into details but it's well documented online, this site is very interesting) but sometimes it doesn't last very long and just goes away. Wish mine would!

It's actually a relatively common condition, especially in the less extreme form - the statistics on the site I linked to above state that 2/1000 women will suffer from it in their lives, and that this number may in fact be as high as 2% or 4% of women. A lot of people have never heard of the condition and just never realise they have it - I only found out that there was a name for my problem when I was 21, when I had been suffering the symptoms for years before that.

It actually turned out that my friend's girlfriend had vaginismus, and neither of them realised; they only found out because my friend came to me asking for advice after 9 months of painful attempts at intercourse. I hope the OP's girlfriend doesn't have this problem, but at least if she does then the OP knows about it now.

Reply 103

Zerodos

Local_United_Fan

"I really want sex but am prepared to wait another a year"

"I don't want to be with anyone else, ever"

You're a b.itch, mate, plain and simple. You don't DESERVE to be using that thing between your legs, and you're gonna end up very hurt looking very stupid at some point in the future. Hopefully this virtual slap-in-the-face will make you see the error of your ways and get you off your arse to do something about the problem.

Don't believe me? Carry on the way you are doing and see.

What are you talking about you absolute ****. The guys said he doesnt wanna be with anyone else an he'll wait untill his GFs ready an your callin im a bitch. Wat a moron you are seriously. Go an crawl ina corner put a gun to your head and fire it. Your an absolute waste of space!!!

Reply 104

Anonymous #6

It's been mentioned with the vaginismus, but sexual abuse as a child could be having a huge impact on her as the relationship slowly becomes more sexual. As much as the OP knows his girlfriend, this isn't something that she necessarily would have told him - none of my ex's know. This can take a long time to get over and as a suggestion to the OP, it might be a subject to broach in conversation if she isnt forthcoming with reasons why she pushes away when you head down there.

Reply 105

Anonymous #7

Me and my bf have been together for a Year and 3 months nearly.. So it's not 2 years but we haven't yet, He's 18 an I'm 17. He asks and I just say I'm not ready, I think that personally guys are more in a hurry to than girls because girls aren't really worried about what they're friends say whereas guys are..

I'm sure if you give her time the she will... Try talking to her? maybe she's scared? Maybe there's reasons she doesnt want to that you dont know about? You could overcome the fears she has together maybe?

Sorry, Only suggesting..

Reply 106

silverbolt

qwertyytrewqm

3. well we havent done any 'stuff' really. We kiss and cuddle naked in bed sometimes lol but nothing else.

WHAT???????

ok i dont know whether to slap your for your stupidity of give you a medal for your perseverance.

Mate if if sex is important you (and it is in most realationship for both parties) then you need to reevaluate where this relationship is going

Reply 107

Phantom Phoenix

Anonymous

Me and my bf have been together for a Year and 3 months nearly.. So it's not 2 years but we haven't yet, He's 18 an I'm 17. He asks and I just say I'm not ready,

I really strongly disagree with this; the OP's girlfriend should be talking to him about her state of mind and why she feels she isn't ready. It's not fair to exclude an important element of a relationship without giving any explanation. In fact, while I wouldn't support the OP dumping her simply because she won't sleep with him, I definitely would support him dumping her because she won't sleep with him but refuses to tell him why after two years. I explained my problem to my boyfriend after a month or so (although I didn't know the name for it at the time) and I think he would have been fully justified in being upset with me had I waited two years to tell him.

In my opinion, if you can't discuss your personal issues with your partner after 2 years, then you should be reevaluating your relationship on those grounds. The OP's girlfriend's refusal to engage with the OP about her obvious problem is disrespectful and shows a lack of sympathy and connection in the relationship - she's either saying 'no, you wouldn't understand' or 'no, i don't want to tell you' or 'no, it's none of your business', none of which are things you should be saying to your boyfriend regarding such matters by the two-year point.

Reply 108

minim

Give her a lecture.. tell her to wake up, be realistic and be with her feet on the ground.
This is just silly. Sex isn't important for some, but it's important for others and not wanting to do it because of a psychological reason.

I personally would never date this sort of people, not only because of not wanting to do sex but it shows a lot about their inner personality, for example how psychologically weak they are.

Reply 109

Phantom Phoenix

minim

I personally would never date this sort of people, not only because of not wanting to do sex but it shows a lot about their inner personality, for example how psychologically weak they are.

That's ridiculous. There could be any number of reasons why she isn't having sex with the OP, you really can't generalise like that. For all you know she was abused as a child and never got over it, for instance - in what sense would that make her psychologically weak?

Reply 110

Jelkin

Phantom Phoenix

Hmmm, I see what you mean, but it's not always as simple as that. A lot of guys seem not to want to accept "I'm not ready", but sometimes that's the only explanation there is. I think the main reason I wasn't ready was because I was terrified of it hurting, but this wasn't a helpful explanation either because a lot of people think girls should just "get over it", because it's always going to hurt and it's best to get it over with. BUT I didn't follow their advice, I didn't just do it to get it done, I waited until I felt ready, and then in the end it was fine and I'm really pleased I waited until I actually wanted to.

Most guys, and some girls, don't understand what being "ready" means, but a lot of the time there's not much you can do to explain it. You just aren't.

Reply 111

suek

Jelkin

Well you've said it yourself - you did at least have one explanation for not being ready.

There has to be some motivating factor for not feeling ready - or else why are you not ready? Does that make sense?

Genuinely not wanting to is a reason, being afraid it'll hurt is a reason. Wanting to hold onto your virginity, worried what people will think of you including her boyfriend, these are all reasons that can be understood and maybe even worked on if she wants to.

But "I'm not ready" I really don't think cuts it in a two year relationship, surely the guy is entitled to a little elaboration. Even if it is a painful thing that happened in her past etc... just.. some idea. If it were two months, sure, too early to want to explain something like that but two years...

Reply 112

minim

Phantom Phoenix

That's ridiculEous. There could be any number of reasons why she isn't having sex with the OP, you really can't generalise like that. For all you know she was abused as a child and never got over it, for instance - in what sense would that make her psychologically weak?

I see you picked an extreme case. Fine.
Even if she was sexually abused as a child, she's been 2 years with a person, have shared most intimate things about each other and are deeply in love.
If you were with such a person, don't you think you could open up to them with almost everything? Furthermore, the OP doesn't mention anything about such an extreme case and I would've thought that after being with her for so long, he would know about it if it was the case.

I don't know why it's like this but a lot of girls are scared of sex as if it would be the end of the world as they know it for them, denoting a weak personality. Sex can be looked at as a joy or as something that would completely change (destroy?) a relationship. It's something that gives you pleasure, not something that should terrorize anyone and a healthy and strong relationship would involve sex as it's a way to open up to one another.

This is a bit like that thread "Do you like girls crying?" (or similar title). My response in there was sarcastic but if they would be whining all the time, complaining and crying, wouldn't you think they have a weak personality and are psychologically weak? And thus can you not correlate one's view on sex as being negative with a negativist and weak personality?

I understand that there are strong relationships and people don't have sex at all, which is the case in some countries but that's because they both agree on it and don't feel the need. That's fine, but as long as one partner wants to do it and the other doesn't, it's not 'alright' anymore. Anyway, let's not look at the minority here, but at the wider perspective instead.

Reply 113

Anonymous #8

Some of the stuff on here is totally stupid! FFS!

If she doesn't feel ready to have sex, she doesn't feel ready! End of.

It might be because she doesn't know what to do, how to feel about it and/or is too embarrassed to even talk about it now which might explain why she doesn't respond to you when talking about it.... and as for the "i'm so horny", she might only be saying that because she feels she has to. Not every women out there wants sex.....

If you love her, which you really sound like you do, then you're going to have to understand that she is not ready.... and it might take several more years, a week, or whatever, if you can't wait then you shouldn't be with her.

Indeed trying to talk to her about it again would be a good idea, but sometimes talking ruins things lol.... If I was you I would take things slow, like from the very begining...... making out is always fun, and touching too.... but keep it clean, at least for the next few times you're together, then slowly try and get more intimate... SLOWLY. Maybe a few months.... and messages like: 'last night was fun' etc. might ease her up.

If this doesn't work, she might not be into a sexual relationship at all.... can you live with that?

Reply 114

Anonymous #9

Depends on the relationship really. Me and my boyfriend were both virgins and waited 4 and a half years before we had sex.

Reply 115

suek

Anonymous

Some of the stuff on here is totally stupid! FFS!

If she doesn't feel ready to have sex, she doesn't feel ready! End of.

And yet you go on to say...

It might be because she doesn't know what to do, how to feel about it and/or is too embarrassed to even talk about it now which might explain why she doesn't respond to you when talking about it....

After two years? A two year long relationship? I'd really hope communication was better than that :frown:

If it were something so 'simple' as not knowing what to do, it could potentially be so easily overcome with some kind words and encouragement. If she WANTS it to be overcome.

If you love her, which you really sound like you do, then you're going to have to understand that she is not ready.... and it might take several more years, a week, or whatever, if you can't wait then you shouldn't be with her.

He obviously is pretty understanding, but it'd be easier for him TO understand if he knew why. One day she's just going to wake up and say "ok, let's have sex now" and he doesn't have a clue what changed... if it were me I'd just want to understand, want to know my partner on that level.

Indeed trying to talk to her about it again would be a good idea, but sometimes talking ruins things lol.... If I was you I would take things slow, like from the very begining...... making out is always fun, and touching too.... but keep it clean, at least for the next few times you're together, then slowly try and get more intimate... SLOWLY. Maybe a few months.... and messages like: 'last night was fun' etc. might ease her up.

Well talking outside of the bedroom is definitely a good plan - I think launching straight into trying to be more physical, even if you are doing it slowly, might make her feel like that's all he's after of that it is of great importance.

If he could just understand why first...

Reply 116

ßlαcksωαn

Isn't it great how this girl has been diagnosed with a condition, been looked down upon as some overly religious 'weirdo', and has been sexually abused according to many people on here just because she hasn't done anything? :rolleyes:

haha
I say leave the poor girl alone.

Reply 117

strawberry

If she's not ready, she's not ready. I think I would personally be more suspicious about her 'readiness' if she has had sex before, but seeing as she's a virgin - it's to be expected that she will take a while to have sex with you. Did she set down what she wanted sex-wise before you guys started dating?

Reply 118

mr-breaker

I missed this one yesterday............

Sanity Panda

It's just your typical relationship. It's like asking why people would go through LDRs just to stay together.

Personally I would question why......but that's a whole other thread!!!

And what's typical about waiting 2 years for sex? Most mathmeticians would tell you that falls a couple of standard deviations from the mean.........

Certainly not true.
Values, culture, fear can all play factors in here.

True.......

But TWO YEARS?!?!?

It's turned from a slowroll almost into an angleshoot..........

Reply 119

Phantom Phoenix

I see your point, Jelkin, hadn't thought of that. :smile:

Minim...well, first things first, I spelled ridiculous right! :p:

minim

I agree that she probably would have told him (and I noted above that I think she should have, if you see my other post). However, I was responding to your statement that all girls who act this way are psychologically weak - just showing that there are alternative reasons and you can't generalise.

I don't know why it's like this but a lot of girls are scared of sex as if it would be the end of the world as they know it for them, denoting a weak personality. Sex can be looked at as a joy or as something that would completely change (destroy?) a relationship. It's something that gives you pleasure, not something that should terrorize anyone and a healthy and strong relationship would involve sex as it's a way to open up to one another.

This is a bit like that thread "Do you like girls crying?" (or similar title). My response in there was sarcastic but if they would be whining all the time, complaining and crying, wouldn't you think they have a weak personality and are psychologically weak? And thus can you not correlate one's view on sex as being negative with a negativist and weak personality?

Yes, someone who whines and complains a lot I would regard as psychologically weak, but I don't think that this extends to negative views on sex. Just my opinion, of course.

I understand that there are strong relationships and people don't have sex at all, which is the case in some countries but that's because they both agree on it and don't feel the need. That's fine, but as long as one partner wants to do it and the other doesn't, it's not 'alright' anymore.

See previous post in which I agreed entirely with this. :smile:

Anyway, let's not look at the minority here, but at the wider perspective instead.

My citation of an extreme example was only to point out that your argument (that girls who act like the OP's girlfriend are psychologically weak) does not apply across the board. In some cases I should think you are probably right.