Turn on thread page Beta

I feel like I'm being punished for having a boyfriend at uni watch

    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    JUST FIND FRIENDS WHO DON'T LIKE CLUBBING! It's not that difficult.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Insanespana)
    Basically, I don't understand why practically everybody here at uni thinks it's "silly" or "sad" that I go home every weekend when I'm at uni.

    I do it because my boyfriend's back home, and it's not all that far away so it's easily done (especially as often he'll come and pick me up). As I'm not around at the weekend this means that I miss all the "big" nights out. Which personally I couldn't give a damn about, I'm not a fan of going out - especially without my boyfriend. So I don't go out in the week as it exhausts me, and I just feel crap that my boyfriend isn't there.

    Don't get me wrong, I love my degree. And I enjoy living independently. It's just that because I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, I don't go out with my course mates or my flat mates. And this means that they've all sorted out who they're living with next year and placing deposits on houses and I'm just left out of the picture.

    I understand why. It's because I'm not there etc etc.... but how come, just because I choose to spend my time not clubbing but with my boyfriend, does it mean everyone ignores me?

    Apparently the vast majority of students are here to party and live the single life - and as I'm not one of them, I'm excluded.

    Sorry, rant over...
    It because you spend so much time with your boyfriend you haven't had the chance or made the effort to make friends with these people, they have left you out cos they think you don't want to be involved because you would rather spend your weekends with him than with them. There is no point being a misery guts just cos your boyfriend isn't around, my housemate only see's her boyfriend every few weeks and in holidays and she comes out with us and has fun. They're not the problem, you are, sure you wanna see your boyfriend, thats fine, but don't compromise uni or friendships for him, if he complains, **** him. I know people who did the same as you, went home every weekend to see their boyfriend and every one of them dropped out, either because, they didn't have any friends or they missed lover-boy too much, its dangerous to get that attached to a guy so young.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Insanespana)
    Well I can't say for anyone else. I know different peoples relationships are different and I know that until I met my boyfriend 18 months ago, I thought I would always need space and "my own time" in a relationship. But I don't want that with my boyfriend. I love him. If it was possible, I would live with him. I'm not obsessed, sad, or stupid, I love my boyfriend and he is my life. How can I go out to a pub with a lot of single people (yes, I still don't know any one else in a realtionship here at uni) or even clubbing, and enjoy myself?? I can't dance as I get leering/drunk guys attention, I get drunk and it just makes me miss my boyfriend, and if I stay sober I just get god dam bored and tired.

    I'm sorry for any misunderstandings from my original post, or even just now in this one.
    Oh FFS... You CAN go to a pub even if you're not single with over the single people. We don't have a disease, we're not going to infect you and turn you in to one of us 'sad little singletons'. We like the same stuff you do, chatting, laughing, talking.... I think its quite evident you ARE obsessed with your boyfriend if you get drunk and get miserable because he's not there! You need to learn to do stuff on your own - you need to know how to enjoy yourself on your own. Take it from me, NO girl likes being leered at in a club, single or taken! Why not employ some of the methods my friends use? Knee to the groin? Evil stare? A '**** off'?

    I really don't understand why on earth you can't go to the pub with single people?!? We don't JUST talking about screwing random people we met... We do like to chat about sports, politics, the world around us - you know, stuff that you've become blinded from with your relationship.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I never want to leave mine either. Friends end up being fitted in around him. It's bad but you just can't help it when you're that in love. My friends understand because I get to see them a lot anyway and because we've known each other a long time. They know him too, which makes it easier. Maybe you could try socialising together? You can't expect them to understand if you don't get to know them outside of uni hours.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Insanespana)
    How can I go out to a pub with a lot of single people (yes, I still don't know any one else in a realtionship here at uni) or even clubbing, and enjoy myself?? I can't dance as I get leering/drunk guys attention, I get drunk and it just makes me miss my boyfriend, and if I stay sober I just get god dam bored and tired.
    Why can't you? Normal people don't define themselves by their relationship, whether they're single or in a relationship doesn't make a difference to their ability to go down to the pub and have a chat. It isn't healthy for your boyfriend to be "your life". It isn't healthy for any one person or thing to be your entire life! Why can't you see that? You can love someone without them being your life.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by lucasarar)
    I never want to leave mine either. Friends end up being fitted in around him. It's bad but you just can't help it when you're that in love. My friends understand because I get to see them a lot anyway and because we've known each other a long time. They know him too, which makes it easier. Maybe you could try socialising together? You can't expect them to understand if you don't get to know them outside of uni hours.
    What is this ****? YOU CAN. Take it from someone who actually lives with their partner.

    (Original post by Joanna May)
    Why can't you? Normal people don't define themselves by their relationship, whether they're single or in a relationship doesn't make a difference to their ability to go down to the pub and have a chat. It isn't healthy for your boyfriend to be "your life". It isn't healthy for any one person or thing to be your entire life! Why can't you see that? You can love someone without them being your life.
    This.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    I can understand why you feel hurt by this, I would be too. But if you want to be good friends with these people you have to spend your time with them too. You can't expect them to include you in these sorts of things when you've never taken the time to go out with them and have a laugh at the weekend. As much as you think it's 'just clubbing' it's not, it's also a chance to make fond memories with people and become closer friends with them. Fair enough you love your boyfriend, but if you want to be included, then you need to stretch yourself a little, spend the odd weekend making your friendships better. Or perhaps half it, Friday nights with them Saturday afternoons and Sunday with your boyfriend. Either way, I think it would you good too. I don't think they're behaving like this because their vindictive, but because you've never taken the time to go out with them. Surely you can see it from their point of view? It is silly to waste this amazing experience because your always going back home to see your boyfriend, every single weekend. Your missing out and it's a shame.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ssk2)
    Oh FFS... You CAN go to a pub even if you're not single with over the single people. We don't have a disease, we're not going to infect you and turn you in to one of us 'sad little singletons'. We like the same stuff you do, chatting, laughing, talking.... I think its quite evident you ARE obsessed with your boyfriend if you get drunk and get miserable because he's not there! You need to learn to do stuff on your own - you need to know how to enjoy yourself on your own. Take it from me, NO girl likes being leered at in a club, single or taken! Why not employ some of the methods my friends use? Knee to the groin? Evil stare? A '**** off'?

    I really don't understand why on earth you can't go to the pub with single people?!? We don't JUST talking about screwing random people we met... We do like to chat about sports, politics, the world around us - you know, stuff that you've become blinded from with your relationship.
    Read this post and take it in, OP.

    I've been meeting my mates' friends at their respective unis. Some have girlfriends/loveinterests/some are single like me. Guess what? I have a laugh with all of them, and I don't even go to their unis.

    Everybody's trying to be nice and sympathise but you're just not listening - you've got a serious problem if you have to put all of your emotional attachment onto one person.

    Not to mention my personal philosophy in regards to friends and girlfriends, is that friends ALWAYS come first.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by airoutmyshorts)
    Read this post and take it in, OP.

    I've been meeting my mates' friends at their respective unis. Some have girlfriends/loveinterests/some are single like me. Guess what? I have a laugh with all of them, and I don't even go to their unis.

    Everybody's trying to be nice and sympathise but you're just not listening - you've got a serious problem if you have to put all of your emotional attachment onto one person.

    Not to mention my personal philosophy in regards to friends and girlfriends, is that friends ALWAYS come first.
    A fan of the "bros before hos" philosophy.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I go to the same uni as you and have a boyfriend...woo woo. In terms of 'being punished' for it, I would agree with you in so far as missing events or socialising etc because you're seeing a partner is not considered anywhere near as valid as going off for other commitments, even seeing other friends, and that can be annoying, but other than that I can't really empathise. I would love to be able to see my boyfriend everyday, but that's not realistic, and we go to the same uni. You have to spend time with other people and vary your social experiences or you're limiting yourself and the relationships you could have with those around you. Go and see your boyfriend at the weekend if you must, but the not going out in the week because it's tiring thing is frankly a bit pathetic. You're at university, you do this once in your life, you will never be this young and responsibility free again, and there is no reason for you not to go out with people during the week..you're being lazy because you have the security blanket of your boyfriend, really.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    To be honest, your mates have probably become closer friends with eachother due the fact they have been around most weekends - so it's only natural that they're going to want to live with the people they are closest to. It sounds to me like you have frozen them out a little bit, and you can't really expect them just to be there if you dump them for your boyfriend all the time!
    You really need to find a balance between your mates and your boyfriend if you want to sort your problem out
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I understand where you're coming from sort of, as I also have a long-term boyfriend unlike most of my friends (but I'm in year 13 and we're long distance, but he lives in England and I live in Spain.) I can see why you'd want to spend time with him, but maybe try to just spend every other weekend with him? That way you still see him really often, and you get to spend a few weekends on just you, thus making friends and finding flatmates and likeminded people Plus he'll be able to spend time with his friends too. I understand that you want to see him, and maybe I am not seeing it the way you do as I go for a couple of months without seeing my other half, but 2 weeks is nothing to be apart! 14 days is not a lot. I understand that you're in love (so am I)
    but this is no reason as to why you shouldn't be able to maintain healthy friendships with other people.
    Personally I dislike going clubbing every single weekend (It's good once in a while though! ), so I understand what you mean, but instead why not try to meet up for a coffee or go shopping or into town or for a meal, and that way even though they might go clubbing without you occasionally you're still all good friends. Being in a relationship also doesn't mean in the slightest that you can't go out with single people... I think maybe you need to find a bit of balance. That doesn't mean your boyfriend isn't the most important person in your life, or that you love him any less. It just makes your relationship a bit healthier and makes you able to have friends too
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by zar91)
    A fan of the "bros before hos" philosophy.
    It's better than the "my girlfriend/boyfriend is my life" mentality.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Well to be honest i know how u feel just because im in a ldr myself. we're not too far away from each other though, we're about an hour & a half on the bus away but since we are both at uni it is important for us to make our own friends and not spend every time we have free together. We try and see each other as much as we can and we usually see each other once a week, normally at weekends, but this shouldn't stop you from spending time with your uni friends - just make sure that u do spend time with them! What we do is go out with uni friends during the week instead. Maybe you could try that? You can't be tired every night and everyone has to take a break from studying! Even if its just chilling watching a movie together or going for coffee, spend some time together.

    And if u see him at weekends maybe just see him for one night like on a friday night then go out with ur friends on saturday? it sounds like you are not far away from each other so that should be possible. You really have to try and have fun without your boyfriend or you will be stuck if you two every break up (obviously you might not but you have to at least think about it).
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for years and so we obviously had always been together when we were going on nights out before going to uni, and so it was hard to get used to being out without each other but it is very important to make solid friends at ur uni that you can and want to spend time with.

    I know where u are coming from about being punished for having a boyfriend, i always get told i'm being silly and that i should be single bladi blah. but i'm happy and by the sound of it so are you so forget about those comments.

    But don't block these people out just for saying that to you. You have to make time for them or they wont make time for you! it's as simple as that.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Do whatever the hell makes you happy, I wouldn't worry about it. If you're happy seeing your boyfriend every weekend, bloody well do that. I know I would, if I could.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Insanespana)
    I love my boyfriend and he is my life.
    This is the part I take issue with. OP, I completely understand your situation, I was in a very similar one in my first year of uni. Every time I went home to see my boyfriend, I felt like my housemates were judging me for it, seeing as I was the only one in a serious relationship out of the 12 of us (as far as I know).

    HOWEVER, please believe me when I say what you are doing is going to make your time at uni pretty miserable. People don't really talk to you because you spend all your time with your boyfriend, so you spend all your time with your boyfriend because people don't talk to you. Bit of a vicious circle there. You need to make the effort, not necessarily with your housemates or even people on your course - but surely there are some societies you can join or something? I refuse to believe that you are the only person in your uni that (a) is in a serious relationship and (b) doesn't really like drinking/clubbing.

    I know what you mean to an extent about going out with single people. When I used to go to clubs, it would get a bit awkward because my friends would say yes to dancing with men and I wouldn't. But so what? Most of the time it was just us girls having a good time, single or not!

    I cannot stress highly enough how important it is not to get so reliant on your boyfriend. I don't doubt you're very much in love, but things do change After nearly 3 years together, me and my boyfriend broke up, and I was so grateful that I had (eventually) stopped going to visit him so often and made the effort with people at uni because as a result I didn't feel so lost. We eventually got back together again and are still together but I've never forgotten how unhealthy it is to make your boyfriend your entire world. It's a kind of way of hiding how lonely you really are - you find it hard to settle it, so you stick to what's comfortable and secure and never take the risk of branching out. It's safe but, trust me, you're missing out.

    Try cutting down how much you see your boyfriend to every 3 or so weeks and make a bit of effort and you'd be surprised how much fun you have. I know everyone's saying its only 2 days compared to 5 days in the week, but being around at the weekend really does make a difference.

    Give it a go, because you've got a long time to go at uni, and you really don't want to waste what has the potential to be an amazing experience.
    • PS Helper
    Offline

    4
    ReputationRep:
    PS Helper
    People are being incredibly harsh here, it's obvious that she's in a difficult situation. Telling her she needs her own life isn't going to help when she's already decided that she wants her boyfriend to be her life (or at least to be the main factor) - whether we all agree with that or not, it's her decision.

    I'm in a similar position, though not quite the same. I was put in a flat with people that I get on with fine, but would never be close friends with, with the odd exception. My boyfriend and I see each other most weekend, and on some occasions it has worked out that I go home a few weeks on the run due to family commitments, concerts etc. The people on my flat became really good friends with other flats through nights out. As much as people say that the OP should try and make friends who dislike clubbing and have similar interests, the majority of the student population make friends through going out, or at least meet people.

    In all honesty, if you wanted them to be close friends you would make the effort to see them in the week/ talk to them at some point (online or whatever). I understand that sometimes it's quite difficult (I'm in at 9am every day and sometimes don't finish until 6) but it seems as though you only want people to live with. You can get great house shares, with strangers, who wouldn't care what you did with your spare time as long as you paid you rent. If you chose to spend weekends with your boyfriend, it's really your decision, but if you want to have acquaintances or friends, you should try during the week (lunch? I mean you have to eat)

    You can meet people at societies, but a lot of the societies here involve socials with clubbing and what-not (I don't know if yours is the same) and I could understand it might be daunting. You say you enjoy your course, so perhaps that would be the best place to make friends? You have a common interest already. I know my friends have been made on my course

    [my friends understand that i go home a lot because I do make the effort to talk to them in the week, and because they are friends they don't judge]

    Also, those who say that your life would be over if you split up... well what's the point in everything then? The OP is doing what she feels is best for her relationship. What's the point of marrying, considering there's always a chance it might end?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I have a boyfriend and Im at uni....

    I balance them both. I dont go home every weekend...... and sometimes he visits here. I always make time for my uni friends too cause its healthy.

    I wouldnt say you are in the minority. Many people have boyfriends and go to uni.

    (Original post by Insanespana)
    No matter who I knew etc etc, I would be heartbroken if we broke up. Can no one understand that I'm in a serious relationship??? I cannot imagine life without him, and if that's a problem I'll just have to deal with it.

    I have people I know at uni, yet how am I supposed to start friendships if they hardly understand me? Like I said, I'm in the minority here at uni by having a boyfriend.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    You're not being punished for having a boyfriend - you're being punished for making him your priority 100% of the time and caring for no one else. Quite understandable.

    For the record, I have a good friend at university whose girlfriend lives in AMERICA. He absolutely adores her more than anything in the world - it's quite clear from talking to him about her - and because he only sees her a few times a year it's quite clear he finds it tough at times. BUT he has friends, he has a life, he makes an effort with people. If he'd been like you, his whole university experience would have been totally miserable.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    I understand what you're saying, really I do. I'm in an LDR and I love my boyfriend A LOT. Luckily, i'm able to go about three weeks without seeing him as we talk a lot on the phone every day. And I'll go out clubbing in the week with friends, and on weekends when I'm at uni or my boyfriend's here too.
    Obviously, if you don't want to change the situation and prefer going home to spend time with your boyfriend, and just deal with feeling excluded then that's your perogative. But I don't think you posted this thread just for sympathy, or to find other people in a similar situation, I think you actually want to change the situation so you can get the best of both worlds:
    The clearest solution would be to just go home every other weekend, but you have made it quite clear that this is NOT an option (although I don't think it would be that hard to be honest). Otherwise, you need to focus on making new friends, outside of the ones you've already got. Maybe join a new society or something, or make more effort to get involved with your course friends. Lots of people are in a similar situation to you, whether or not you've found them yet. Your problem is that you're not taking the time to look for them.
    Uni is for getting involved in new things and having new experiences. I don't think, by going home every weekend you're getting the most out of it, but that's your choice. You just need to get involved in new things, and meet new people who might have a similar mindset to you. It's probably a bit late to find housemates so you're going to have to give living in halls again another try. But at least this time you'll know where you went wrong and you'll be able to correct your mistakes...
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 3, 2009
Poll
Did you get less than your required grades and still get into university?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.