Never considered myself to have social anxiety but I don't know what else to call it, and it's making me really depressed.
Until the end of secondary school I was really happy with life - had a lovely group of friends, boyfriend, was doing well, felt like I fitted in. I didn't socialise a great deal outside of school - I would go to things with one or two people but would always make an excuse for parties and bigger gatherings.
I got to college and, although my best friends went to the same college, we studied different things and they all made new friends, whereas I made none, and would sit on my own in free periods or just wander around the park so that no one saw me sitting alone. My friends went to uni, but I took 2 gap years, and although I visited them a couple of times I hated it - it made me anxious to go somewhere new, and having to meet all their new friends and housemates. So we lost touch.
I came to uni as a mature-ish student, and thought I would meet similar people in my relatively small access course (<20 of us). But most people were straight from college, uber social, loved parties and clubbing - I got on with them in class during the day but rarely socialised with them outside of it. I met 2 girls who were the only other older students and were more like me. They are still my only friends in the world - but 1 has moved away, and 1 I rarely see.
I took a year out of uni because my anxiety got so much that I couldn't go to placements. I would lie in bed all day crying, I couldn't face anyone except my ex boyfriend who I lived with at the time, and even then I lied to him for a long time, telling him I had been at placement when really I had been at home. I started uni again in June 2013, and managed ok at the start because it was just lectures. When placement started again, I managed 1 day before I took another leave of absence for a few months (I didn't tell anyone - pretended to my family that I was still at uni).
Since then I've managed to keep going and am still on my course. My only true friend is my boyfriend, but we are long distance and see each other once a fortnight. I am so ridiculously lonely - last year I set up a social group on meetup.com because I was so desperate to change. It caused me so much anxiety and stress, having to go to these meetings with a group of people, and very quickly I was starting to be left out of things. Other people paired off or formed their own little groups to go out with, and I was excluded. I actually don't know why - because I think I controlled my anxiety quite well and even appeared "normal"!
Now I'm 26 next month and feel like I have nobody. I love my boyfriend but he isn't here, and I can't tell him the extent of how I feel. I know there must be other people in this city like me (whoever said above about just hanging out with a movie, pizza, bottle of wine - perfect!) but there is no way of finding them. All social things online seem geared for meeting in groups and that just isn't me.
I don't know if anyone will read all that but it felt good to type it. I have been in my flat alone for the past 2 days and will be alone until I have to go to uni on Tuesday. I need to get food in but can't face going to the shops so I am living on the random contents of my freezer. I hate this.