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The Illogical Side to Spock - living with OCD, BDD and panic disorder

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    Going to see the psychiatrist was useless. Refused to accept that I can't take meds and said he doesn't know if intensive therapy would suit me as I am 'unable to be willing to experience distress' which is a lot of crap! I experience distress every day from my conditions whether I want to or not so wouldn't mind feeling more if it were actually going to help me in the long run. I am being referred to a CPN who is going to decide if I am suitable for intensive therapy or just some anxiety management classes and things like that.
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    I just got my ESA decision, I've been placed in the support group! I'm over the moon and a huge weight has been lifted. I'm relieved that they took OCD seriously. It's about time.

    Now just to get this PIP medical out the way and I can hopefully relax for a while. The last few weeks have been horrendous but at least there was some good news this morning with the decision

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    Hey guys! :hi: long time no post, eh?

    Thought I'd check in and give you guys an update especially as next week is officially OCD Awareness Week (9th-16th Oct 2016) and I'll leave some links to various pages about the cause http://www.ocduk.org/ocd-awareness-week-resources

    So an update - some good things have happened over the last few months such as booking my wedding :love: , my best friend had a cancer scare but thankfully everything came back benign :woo: and I've had a lot of good moments here and there.

    Some bad and stressful things have happened too. My stepdad's mum is dying. Doctors don't expect her to live until November so we are on constant stand by waiting for the call pretty much , my papa still hasn't had his transplant yet and he nearly caught septicemia from a bad infection on his foot and he was taken off the transplant list for a few months because of it but thankfully he is back on it now and the infection has cleared I got accepted for ESA and put into the support group but I failed my PIP medical by 2 points. I got 6 points for daily living and I need 8 to get PIP. I am currently awaiting my decision on mandatory reconsideration but I doubt I will pass that so it looks like I will be going to the tribunal :cry2:
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    I'm really worried about that as the stress from just the medicals alone made me relapse with self harming again for years and I've only just stopped so if I have to go to a tribunal, I'm worried about relapsing again
    I'll keep you guys updated on that.

    I also saw a psychiatrist in August and he was bloody useless because I can't take meds. He referred me onto a see a CPN and I was told I would have that appt through within 2 weeks, I only just got it last week and my appt is tomorrow. Apparently he never made the referral and my GP had to chase it up and then put in a complaint. I'll let you know how my appt goes tomorrow pretty nervous about it but my mum and Callan are coming in with me, thankfully. I'm getting transferred to CMHT so will have regular appts with CPNs, social workers etc soon

    As for my conditions, OCD has been the worst. Its been unbelievable the last few months and the last few weeks especially. My health anxiety has been through the roof and I've been taking pics of my body and compare them every day, check my lymph nodes no joke about 200 times a day and my neck becomes red raw, barely eat, barely sleep, spend about 8 hours a day Googling my symptoms, paranoid someone is in my flat so going around the flat taking pics to make sure no one has moved anything while my back is turned and a million other symptoms. I took a picture when I was at my worst lately, when I was considering self admitting myself (which thankfully my GP talked me out of the next day as reassured me it was OCD) and I might upload it here to show exactly what OCD does. Its not some cute and quirky little illness, its debilitating and nothing to make light of.

    Anyway guys, thanks for reading and as always, any questions just give me a shout and remember my inbox is always open :hugs:

    Yasmin
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    Hey guys :hugs:

    So I had my appt with the CPN finally today and it went well better than I thought. I was only in for about half an hour and it was pretty much just going through my diagnosis, what the psychiatrist said in the referral and what kind of therapy I will be getting.

    To start, I will be getting some mild anxiety management type therapy sessions, a little stronger than the kind of things I was taught at CBT but nothing too intensive. The CPN is doing this to build me up for more intensive therapies such as trauma therapy and I forget the other one she mentioned
    It'll be a long road and it wont be a quick and easy fix but here's hoping finally that I am on the right road this time, once and for all
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    I noticed earlier that it's a year today since I was at my worst, that period lasted months but this one night was the turning point. It was the night I called NHS24 demanding to be sectioned, I was in such a state and saying and doing silly things, rocking back and forward and I was on and off the phone all night to a CPN and my mum had to come up and get me at 3am because I was in such a state and then in the morning I finally got the referral I needed. That night was the turning point for me to actually get help for OCD. I fooled myself into buying into what the general public thought of OCD for years - that it wasn't serious, it could be managed if you try and hard enough and it was just a nuisance and not an illness. I knew all the actual facts but maybe trying to convince myself of those myths was my way of trying to play it down and deal with it. OCD gets played down as a joke and if anyone saw me that night they would have said I needed the 'mad house'. Jokes don't get you into that state, illnesses do. If people didn't speak out about what OCD can actually do to someone then all people would think of the illness is that it's just a quirk or a personality trait.

    A year on and it's been a long road and I'm still not at the end of it but I'll keep going and I've learned a lot about myself over the last year from that period where I was at rock bottom, probably more than I've learned about myself in any other year of my life. I've also learned never underestimate an illness but that it shouldn't ever underestimate me either because I've bounced back from this stronger and with more fight in me than I had before silver linings and all that jazz

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    Just wanted to drop by and say that your blog is very interesting, and you are such a lovely person. I always enjoy reading your posts around the forum.
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    (Original post by SpiritSharD)
    Just wanted to drop by and say that your blog is very interesting, and you are such a lovely person. I always enjoy reading your posts around the forum.
    Aww thank you for saying that that really means a lot to me :hugs:

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    Happy Halloween everyone! Stay boo-tiful

    October has always been a bad month for me. Over the years it's been the month that my grandpa got diagnosed with cancer and was put on the transplant list the following October, I've had my worst MH breakdowns in this month (October last year being the worst), me and my partner broke up during this month fot a few days a few years back, my evil dad was born in this month and a few other things.

    Usually, this wouldn't bother people. It would be another month just like any other month but when you have OCD magical thinking, you do believe this month is cursed almost, despite your logical side telling you that is absurd. I feel almost like I hold my breath the entire October waiting for something to happen or something to go wrong and lo and behold, it did this October too. I feel like when I get to 1st November, I can breathe again and some weight comes off my shoulders even though I know that if I'm in a bad situation, the month changing won't help. It's almost like a compulsion to hold out for November. I even feel proud to make it through October which sounds silly.

    Anyhoo, have a great Halloween!
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Happy Halloween everyone! Stay boo-tiful

    October has always been a bad month for me. Over the years it's been the month that my papa got diagnosed with cancer and was put on the transplant list the following October, I've had my worst MH breakdowns in this month (October last year being the worst), me and my partner broke up during this month fot a few days a few years back, my evil dad was born in this month and a few other things.

    Usually, this wouldn't bother people. It would be another month just like any other month but when you have OCD magical thinking, you do believe this month is cursed almost, despite your logical side telling you that is absurd. I feel almost like I hold my breath the entire October waiting for something to happen or something to go wrong and lo and behold, it did this October too. I feel like when I get to 1st November, I can breathe again and see weight comes off my shoulders even though I know that if I'm in a bad situation, the month changing won't help. It's almost like a compulsion to hold out for November. I even feel proud to make it through October which sounds silly.

    Anyhoo, have a great Halloween!
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    That is sort of an understandable feeling if you ve had a lot of bad things happen in a particular month. I know it probably doesn't help much but you could always plan good things to happen in that month,I plan lots of things to get me past feeling low with the two death days I have to get past in December.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    That is sort of an understandable feeling if you ve had a lot of bad things happen in a particular month. I know it probably doesn't help much but you could always plan good things to happen in that month,I plan lots of things to get me past feeling low with the two death days I have to get past in December.
    I thought planning the wedding would help but if anything, it made the magical thinking stronger. I kept thinking that me or my papa won't live to July for the wedding or something going to happen and with OCD, because I thought that, I have to do everything in my power to stop it so my compulsions have went through the roof and I've barely slept ot ate with worry it sounds so silly but that's OCD for you, I suppose. It fully consumes you I tried to get a sooner appt with my CPN but the soonest she could give me was 11th Nov so not too far away but not too close either.

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    I thought planning the wedding would help but if anything, it made the magical thinking stronger. I kept thinking that me or my papa won't live to July for the wedding or something going to happen and with OCD, because I thought that, I have to do everything in my power to stop it so my compulsions have went through the roof and I've barely slept ot ate with worry it sounds so silly but that's OCD for you, I suppose. It fully consumes you I tried to get a sooner appt with my CPN but the soonest she could give me was 11th Nov so not too far away but not too close either.

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    I think although I ve been very relaxed in planning mine so far,planning big events it's normal to be stressful especially if someone you love is unwell (my grandad had been having problems with his white blood cells so got very worried that he wouldn't live till then but then I tell myself that I ve spent too much of my life worrying something might happen to my loved ones so manage to calm down normally). All you can do is try to stay hopeful, I m sorry that your magical thoughts and compulsions have been bad,it's awful that you haven't be able to see your CPN in that time,can they not offer shirts telephone appointments?
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    I think although I ve been very relaxed in planning mine so far,planning big events it's normal to be stressful especially if someone you love is unwell (my grandad had been having problems with his white blood cells so got very worried that he wouldn't live till then but then I tell myself that I ve spent too much of my life worrying something might happen to my loved ones so manage to calm down normally). All you can do is try to stay hopeful, I m sorry that your magical thoughts and compulsions have been bad,it's awful that you haven't be able to see your CPN in that time,can they not offer shirts telephone appointments?
    Never thought to ask for a telephone appointment, I'm new to having a CPN. Good thinking, I'll call up today and see if that's an option :yep:

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    Well I made it through my worst month. Phew :woo:

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Never thought to ask for a telephone appointment, I'm new to having a CPN. Good thinking, I'll call up today and see if that's an option :yep:

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    Well I made it through my worst month. Phew :woo:

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    I'm not sure if its something everywhere offers but its sure worth a try I hope you have a much better month for November.
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    Feel a bit deflated today

    My grandpa had surgery last week to remove that toenail and some surrounding tissue that docs believed was the cause of that serious abscess he had a few months back that caused him to be removed from the transplant list for a while. He went for a check up today and he thought it was all going good but the operation hasn't helped with the infection and now its back full force, meaning he will probably be put off the transplant list again. He's taken every antibiotic available for that type of infection and its either not helped or its came back a week or two after stopping treatment. He is diabetic so they have to be careful with his feet. They are trying another round of antibiotics but if it doesn't clear, there's talk about amputating his foot which would leave him in a wheelchair.

    My OCD has been sky high, especially with magical thinking. Part of me even feels like I have caused this with my papa because I've once thought that his foot wouldn't get better :cry2: I know logically its not my fault but as we all know, OCD doesn't listen to logic.
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    Just a little update - I had an appointment today with my CPN and it went well felt totally at ease and comfortable with what anxiety management goals she's asking me to do.

    She also told me that she thinks the type of intensive therapy I'll be getting is called Schema Therapy. I've never heard of it but she says she hopes I'll be ready to start in Jan and will put a referral into the psychologist department in December is anxiety management goes well.

    Does anyone have any experience of Schema therapy by any chance?

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    I finally got my mandatory reconsideration results back from PIP today after about three months of constant worrying over it and surprise, surprise...it's been rejected. I've decided I'm not even going to bother with appealing and going to a tribunal. It's not worth the stress tbh.


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    I'm down visiting friends in Bolton and when to the open farm today and I got to hold a snake for the first time ever


    Quite proud of myself for holding him because with my OCD contamination fears, toxins and poisons were my number one fear and even though this species of snake isn't venomous, my OCD lumped all snakes venomous or not as dangerous but I'm glad I think more clearly now and didn't miss out on getting to hold this beauty <3 it was an honour

    Also got to feed a baby goat and calf with a milk bottle and got to hold a piglet, chick and so many other animals :yep: I had the time of my life today


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    2016 has been an up and down year and I like many people, tend to focus on the bad that has happened instead of the good but plenty of good happened this year.

    My mum got married and I got to walk her down the aisle with pappy , I turned 24, I had that blonde hair disaster which I can laugh about now , I booked my own wedding , I got to hold a snake for the first time ever, I dressed up as Regan at Halloween and even won a prize for it , my gran and papa are still here and kicking I finally started therapy with my CPN, I became a CA on TSR, my mum and gran got to meet Michelle Heaton at the panto and ahse was lovely and to round off the year with the best of news, Rambo got the all clear after a very scary and worrying cancer scare and my three other rug rats are doing fine

    So here's to 2017, may it be better time for all, especially my pappy who finally deserves his break and some good new :yep: a big thanks to everyone who has helped on TSR over the last year. I never thought that a site I would come to for uni advice would be the place where I met genuine friends and I am grateful for those I have met on my time here Name:  15781009_304465719954623_3751318604824228001_n.jpg
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Updated: December 31, 2016
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