Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Is it weird to want to wait until marriage to have sex? Watch

    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    It's not weird. It's a good thing
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    It's fairly common, in principle. I'm not so sure in practice, and I don't consider it necessarily a good thing, but my opinion is surely irrelevant.

    It seems fairly arbitrary, to someone who doesn't consider marriage to have much significance outside of the constraints of law. To my eyes, it is a certification of commitment (which is important), but I don't think you can rightly see if you're going to be able to commit to someone if you don't know whether you're sexually compatible. Religion's great strength is in making things taboo, such as premarital sex. It makes one feel dirty for wanting to have experience in sex before committing, on paper, your whole life to someone. I don't see that that is sensible, and it makes for a lot of unhappy people in the long run.
    I'm also surprised by the notion that being married to someone is protection from someone having sex with you and then leaving you. It doesn't prevent this, divorce and estrangement is common. It just makes it legally and financially more complicated, and emotionally more debilitating.
    Beyond all, the air of maturity that adherents try to generate about premarital abstinence annoys me. There is nothing mature about enforced ignorance before running into a life-long commitment. The opposite, in fact. There is nothing "pure" or "righteous" in denying the wishes of your body, and also it doesn't make one an uncontrolled animal to do things that make you feel good. A healthy sex life and participating in things we enjoy is generally correlated with a longer and healthier life. Living with these sorts of notions that religion generate is just another way that you allow institutions control over you, and religion is more insidious than most, due to the way we embrace it.

    Do as you feel comfortable, however.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Pre-marital sex can help to relieve sexual frustration and help individuals to ascertain to whom one is sexually compatible with, before making the big jump to marriage. Though one should be careful and only go ahead with sex, when you believe the relationship is strong and is heading towards a long term relationship/marriage.
    (Original post by Infraspecies)
    It's fairly common, in principle. I'm not so sure in practice, and I don't consider it necessarily a good thing, but my opinion is surely irrelevant.......Do as you feel comfortable, however.


    I completely disagree.
    Masturbation could relieve sexual frustration, it doesn't have to be sex itself. Also there are people who are sexually frustrated but are in relationships where they are sexually active. Being sexually frustrated is beyond having lack of sex; people may receive so much of it but are not satisfied with what they are receiving maybe because their partner wouldn't indulge in certain activities they desire or fantasy they desire in order to reach their 'happy place'.

    The whole 'testing a car before driving it' analogy is complete BS. I mean let's be very honest here- this is more so to the older adults in marriages or committed relationships. Is your sex life or sex drive the same as in your early stages of your relationship? When you were much younger and in your early youth stages or adult stages? Most likely not! The idea of testing to see if you're both sexually compatible then if so, marrying someone only makes sense if both of you did not age, go through different life experiences and would remain the same sexually for the rest of your lives which almost never happens. Over the time, you will face ageing, some may experience pregnancy, menopause, erectile dysfunction, illnesses and so on which all alter an aspect of a couple's sex life!

    Even something as stress could alter your libido and sex drive. Instead partners grow together, understanding they would have to alter things in their sex life in order to adapt to these changes. I don't believe just because the sex has been good for 2/3 years it would mean it would be great for the next 30-40 years or however long a marriage lasts. I think what's important for 'compatibility' and sexual satisfaction is communication, selflessness, being open minded and not being judgemental. If you talk about it being open minded with each other's wants and desires, you're more likely to understand what each other's wants are, fantasises etc. Being non judgemental would allow your husband or wife to feel comfortable enough to share these important aspects of their personal thoughts and feelings. If a husband and wife have these principles, making to please each other their goals (selfless aspect) I can bet on it that even with life's different stages they would still have a loving, fulfilled sex life.

    Sex is a skill, one that becomes better in time.
    I sincerely believe in waiting until marriage as it truly does allow you to build the strong communicational skills needed to tackle these different aspects. Plus most couples don't have sex for the rest of their lives. When people hit 70 or 80, some instead focus on different relational aspects. So it would be nice to know even when you're 70 or 80 and you're not having sex- you'd still be strong as a couple. You need to think long term rather than in the moment.
    OP- Most likely the guy you end up sleeping with now that may be pressuring you, you won't end up marrying. I don't think you have to go through many people in order to gain experience either.
    The people that were once virgins, through experience you learned about sex etc so why couldn't someone who waits after marriage do the same but just with the partner they decide to spend the rest of their lives with? You get to learn about each other's bodies solely not worrying about being judged or the fear of pregnancy, would he stay if I'm pregnant or if girls or guys would accept me.
    And great sex is a different thing entirely. Just because someone isn't a virgin and is having sex doesn't mean the sex they are having is great. It takes a lot more than just 'having sex' to have great, healthy sex. Many would be disappointed if they think sex would be great straight away or that it doesn't require effort.

    Overall I'm all for waiting until marriage before someone has sex. I see the advantages and I'm surprised many on here don't. Maybe it's because they are young and more focused on living in the moment rather than thinking long term about life overall and what they want from a relationship. I'm young too but I know I definitely want to be in a long term commitment which is marriage. Me personally, I wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't wait because it's more than just 'religious reasons'...sadly I don't even think I'm religious any more.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Nope it's your life, your choice.
    • #9
    #9

    No
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Can I just say one thing though, it's kind of out there but I don't even care lol (that kind of rhymed). Any hoo:

    To the guys and men who are waiting until marriage to have sex, I find that so attractive and sexy; you really do have my utmost respect. This says a lot about you. I'm not speaking about only religious reasons...you may be religious awesome but I'm speaking about your character concerning how you view life and yourselves. Why? In a society where men are pressured to not be virgins or wait but to 'due to biology, spread their seeds'- you are overcoming that pressure and deciding this is what I truly want/ believe in, not caring if others deem it as 'weird' or 'abnormal' but still sticking by it and going against these social pressures. This says something about your personality. That you don't give in to social, peer pressure presented to you but you'd rather do what you believe is right and best for you yourself. Most guys I know now who haven't had sex or sex is a while are constantly complaining 'I need to get laid'. People even use 'you're a virgin'/ 'virgin alert' or 'but you don't get girls though' all as insults when insulting males. I find this disgusting. But when it comes to women, different story. Tim Tebow, great example. People make fun of him all the time because he is a virgin at 28 years but this guy is hot, has dated beautiful women such as Camilla Belle, Olivia Culpo and is very successful. Not focusing on the physical side, hearing him speak with such insight on life is what made me think he is husband material. So guys who are waiting, whether or not you're a virgin but deciding to wait- I respect that so much. There are ladies out there who do not find this as a turn off whether you're 16 or 25 or 35 etc.

    It also ensures the person you're dating that you're not dating them because of sex. That you're serious about getting to know the person, establishing a relationship to see if you two could possibly fall in love and settle down together. Imagine falling in love with someone and you didn't need to have sex with them in order to do so. That's the love you need to survive a marriage. Unconditional love that both partners have for each other. Not saying that sex isn't important because it really is however a marriage needs more than just this to survive- especially when you're old and retired where sex may not be part of your relationship any more. And to others waiting isn't saying that you're being celibate in that you're never ever going to have sex. Comparing the wait i.e 2 years to how long a marriage could last (life time) is actually a relatively short wait.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by SubZero~)
    I'd only have pre-marital sex if I know for sure that I'm going to end up marrying this person. If not, I'd wait.
    But how could you be so sure? Unless you're already married to that person, you'd never absolutely know for sure but I see where you're coming from
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by RivalPlayer)
    I don't see what the problem is. If that's what the OP wants to do then so what? I don't understand why some people are goading her to have sex with someone before marriage just because that's what the masses do. It's almost as if people are consumed with rage that someone in the UK still has a desire to wait until marriage.

    I think it's a reflection of how disturbingly sexualised British society is these days,. When I see some of the attitudes expressed among these posts, it doesn't me surprise that kids today are becoming highly sexualised at increasingly younger ages thru the sheer pressure to fit in and appear "normal". There's nothing wrong with waiting. If that's what you want to do based on your personal principles then stick to it and forget what everyone else thinks.
    *Cries* Yass <3 :love:
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi so basically just what the title says, I'm a bit worried that I'll be unable to have a serious relationship because a lot of guys don't want to wait so long for sex :/ so is it weird? Should I just give up on it?
    You are special and sex is special. Don't waste these good things on people who are unable or unwilling to respect them. Try to have the courage to live according to your own values and forgive yourself when you sometimes don't live up to them. Never accept other people's judgments and labels -eg 'weird'- unless you respect them or their reasoning. That applies to these comments too.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Cherry82)
    I completely disagree.
    Masturbation could relieve sexual frustration, it doesn't have to be sex itself. Also there are people who are sexually frustrated but are in relationships where they are sexually active. Being sexually frustrated is beyond having lack of sex; people may receive so much of it but are not satisfied with what they are receiving maybe because their partner wouldn't indulge in certain activities they desire or fantasy they desire in order to reach their 'happy place'.

    The whole 'testing a car before driving it' analogy is complete BS. I mean let's be very honest here- this is more so to the older adults in marriages or committed relationships. Is your sex life or sex drive the same as in your early stages of your relationship? When you were much younger and in your early youth stages or adult stages? Most likely not! The idea of testing to see if you're both sexually compatible then if so, marrying someone only makes sense if both of you did not age, go through different life experiences and would remain the same sexually for the rest of your lives which almost never happens. Over the time, you will face ageing, some may experience pregnancy, menopause, erectile dysfunction, illnesses and so on which all alter an aspect of a couple's sex life!

    Even something as stress could alter your libido and sex drive. Instead partners grow together, understanding they would have to alter things in their sex life in order to adapt to these changes. I don't believe just because the sex has been good for 2/3 years it would mean it would be great for the next 30-40 years or however long a marriage lasts. I think what's important for 'compatibility' and sexual satisfaction is communication, selflessness, being open minded and not being judgemental. If you talk about it being open minded with each other's wants and desires, you're more likely to understand what each other's wants are, fantasises etc. Being non judgemental would allow your husband or wife to feel comfortable enough to share these important aspects of their personal thoughts and feelings. If a husband and wife have these principles, making to please each other their goals (selfless aspect) I can bet on it that even with life's different stages they would still have a loving, fulfilled sex life.

    Sex is a skill, one that becomes better in time.
    I sincerely believe in waiting until marriage as it truly does allow you to build the strong communicational skills needed to tackle these different aspects. Plus most couples don't have sex for the rest of their lives. When people hit 70 or 80, some instead focus on different relational aspects. So it would be nice to know even when you're 70 or 80 and you're not having sex- you'd still be strong as a couple. You need to think long term rather than in the moment.
    OP- Most likely the guy you end up sleeping with now that may be pressuring you, you won't end up marrying. I don't think you have to go through many people in order to gain experience either.
    The people that were once virgins, through experience you learned about sex etc so why couldn't someone who waits after marriage do the same but just with the partner they decide to spend the rest of their lives with? You get to learn about each other's bodies solely not worrying about being judged or the fear of pregnancy, would he stay if I'm pregnant or if girls or guys would accept me.
    And great sex is a different thing entirely. Just because someone isn't a virgin and is having sex doesn't mean the sex they are having is great. It takes a lot more than just 'having sex' to have great, healthy sex. Many would be disappointed if they think sex would be great straight away or that it doesn't require effort.

    Overall I'm all for waiting until marriage before someone has sex. I see the advantages and I'm surprised many on here don't. Maybe it's because they are young and more focused on living in the moment rather than thinking long term about life overall and what they want from a relationship. I'm young too but I know I definitely want to be in a long term commitment which is marriage. Me personally, I wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't wait because it's more than just 'religious reasons'...sadly I don't even think I'm religious any more.
    It's frustrating that you paint people who want pre-marital sex as having no thoughts for the long term, and only sating their momentary desires. It's as I said really, the portrayal of yourself as having a more mature and less base outlook. That because "one day you'll be old and not want sex anymore", it's therefore a good idea to not have sex before you commit to a legally binding agreement (which is all it really is).

    As you've never been in a sexually unsatisfying relationship before, from what you've said, I forgive your ignorance on the topic. It's to be expected. It's not all about sex, and you can have respect and understanding for the other person to any maximal level. It doesn't matter. Sex is a huge part of most people's relationships, and it is a huge part of our biology. When it isn't right, it can undermine the best of things.
    The mistake you make is thinking that people who have premarital sex BASE their relationship on sex. That's not it at all, and having sex as an important factor doesn't make someone care less about their partner. It means the opposite, in fact. Having an implicit understanding of another persons physical needs before a commitment like marriage demonstrates massive respect for them. If you can't fulfill a person, then it's good to know that. It's a shame you don't see that.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    No it's not weird at all. Everybody has their preferences. Myself personally, I would wait also.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Infraspecies)
    It's a shame you don't see that.
    This is going to be quite a long response, but bare with me please.
    Let me just start by saying, I think you've misunderstood some aspects of what I was aiming to address. Firstly, I never meant that those who engage in pre marital sex do not want long lasting relationships. It would be wrong and inaccurate for me to say that those who engage in pre marital sex do not want long term relationships. However, generally speaking people having pre material sex are thinking momentarily. Most people I know, not saying that this is a representative of the whole society but from my experience with friends all the way from sixth form to university etc- those who are having sex now aren't exactly planning any time soon to settle down or commit to a long life relationship.
    They are young and want to experience more from life. If it happened, fine but it's not a priority for them. It's more of being young, living in the moment and physical attraction as sex is fun then if things become serious so be it. So though it may be a plan of the future, it seems for a lot of young people i.e those 16- 24 years, it's not a plan of the near future. Generally speaking, most people settle down around 25-30+ years of age. Of course this varies for different individuals. But this is thinking in the moment. When people are turned on and sexually aroused, I'm sure many aren't thinking if themselves and the person they are planning on sleeping with would end up in a long term/life commitment if they are not already in one but are rather in the heat of the moment which I can understand. This was what I was trying to address.


    'That because "one day you'll be old and not want sex anymore", it's therefore a good idea to not have sex before you commit to a legally binding agreement (which is all it really is).'
    -No.
    You've misunderstood what I was trying to state. What I had meant was there's more to having a successful marriage/long lasting relationship than just sex. Some on here, were against the idea of waiting simply due to the whole waiting process as if without sex for a period of time, a relationship could not function which was why I had brought up the whole comment. Plus, some on here, including you had mentioned marriage and sexual compatibility which was what I was addressing. I find it absurd that people think because a person's sex life went well with their partner for 3/4 years of their relationship would then equal compatibility for the next 30/40 years of however long the marriage is. It's a skill and process meaning it takes constant work because your sex life is not something that is set from the go.

    'As you've never been in a sexually unsatisfying relationship before, from what you've said, I forgive your ignorance on the topic.'
    -So I'm guessing you have? Honestly, people say this as if it couldn't be worked on. Sex is a skill not a set, pre determined, never changing activity. It's why I mentioned all of those other factors that do impact people's sex lives as they go further on in life. What you like now may not even be what you like in a few years time which is why those waiting prioritise other important aspects such as communication. Waiting isn't just waiting. During this wait, the whole point is to strengthen key qualities and factors such as mutual respect, equality, communication, etc. The focus is on these things as those waiting believe it is fundamental to all relationships whether sexual or not. This is what would keep couples going when sex is no longer a part of their relationship. And to add, those considered sex Gods or experts were all once virgins. It's just about addressing your differences and accepting them. Being communicative and responsive to each other's needs. I know people who have been in unsatisfying relationships but made it work but listening and responding to each other.


    'Sex is a huge part of most people's relationships, and it is a huge part of our biology.'
    -I agree that it is a huge part of a person's biology if he/she is a sexual being and that in terms of long term relationships i.e marriage, as you're planning to spend the rest of your sexual years/lives together, it is very important. But outside of that, no. This is where I completely differ.
    If you're not already in a relationship such as marriage which you plan on being life long, but rather you're just dating to see how things go- there's the possibility of them becoming an ex. Why not share this experience with someone you already feel confident that is the one and that you're planning to spend the rest of your life with?
    Unless you're not planning on being in this kind of relationship then it really is a different story altogether. When you've found the one after being in past relationships, would these past relationships even matter to you? People who end up being with the love of their lives end up regretting their past relationships and being with their exs' as the ex was not right person for them. Instead when you're married, you've established enough to make such a commitment as your planning to be together for a lifetime. That's the whole point of marrying someone. Hope you understand what I am trying to say. If I'm not already committed to someone in this sense, I don't see the point of having sex with them as most likely, they'd become another ex before I find that person.

    'The mistake you make is thinking that people who have premarital sex BASE their relationship on sex....'
    Again, no. That's not what I was saying. I was addressing the guys and ladies who end up not dating someone because they've decided to wait. For this to happen, sex would be a priority to that person. As OP said, many guys rejected her because of this. I see nothing respectful about a guy breaking up with a girl solely because she's decided to wait. It says a lot about what he expects from her and the relationship.

    I'm sure there are many sp errors, sorry if there are but I'm super tired from revision. Sadly, I need to go back and continue....
    Offline

    18
    (Original post by Cherry82)
    If you're not already in a relationship such as marriage which you plan on being life long, but rather you're just dating to see how things go- there's the possibility of them becoming an ex.
    There's a possibility of a husband or a wife also becoming an ex-. There are also people who see little worth in marriage yet still plan on having a life long relationship anyway. There is a rather large middle ground between 'dating to see how things go' and marriage, you know.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I've been with my boyfriend for four years and we believe in waiting and it has had zero strain on us whatsoever. When you get a partner, just make sure to let them know your beliefs within the first few months or else they might not be too happy with stuff, like I was talking to this guy before (not really together) and his only focus was "when we gonna have sex?" so when I told him my opinions, he got pretty riled up and mad at me because he didn't get to get what he wanted. There's someone out there with your beliefs, I promise <3
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Maker)
    Most people wait until after marriage to stop having sex.
    :clap2:
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    I may be wrong, but wasn't the 'no sex before marriage' rule established at a time when promiscuous behaviour was frowned upon? (i.e. ages ago, but now society has changed and it's okay) Do what you want and be free!!!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi so basically just what the title says, I'm a bit worried that I'll be unable to have a serious relationship because a lot of guys don't want to wait so long for sex :/ so is it weird? Should I just give up on it?
    Hey, well it is your personal preference so it is up to you if it makes you happy or not. Your happiness is what matters, so what any one else thinks should not matter. Make sure that whenever you do have sex, when you are married or even at a more recent time, you have to be comfortable with the choice you're making x
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi so basically just what the title says, I'm a bit worried that I'll be unable to have a serious relationship because a lot of guys don't want to wait so long for sex :/ so is it weird? Should I just give up on it?
    It's not weird. Someone who respects you enough will wait until you're ready, and will respect your beliefs. It takes a lot of willpower to do so. However, just make sure you're making this choice for yourself and not because you're forced to, whether that's by parents or others you look up to. If you're forced into thinking sex is dirty and that's why you don't want to try it, you'll only find yourself not wanting sex even after marriage and it could potentially affect your relationship.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Hydeman)
    There's a possibility of a husband or a wife also becoming an ex-. There are also people who see little worth in marriage yet still plan on having a life long relationship anyway. There is a rather large middle ground between 'dating to see how things go' and marriage, you know.
    I know there's a possibility of a husband and wife also becoming exs due to a divorce but there's a difference. When you've decided to marry someone, you would have already established a relationship to where you feel comfortable enough to have the intentions, plans and hopes of committing to the person for a life time. This includes relationships where both partners are not married but would like to spend the rest of their lives together.
    Not to sound judgemental and I'd probably start a whole new debate however I've never understood this. Why not just get married? (Don't mean you personally) Especially if you feel comfortable enough to do so.
    And contrary to what others may believe about marriage. I do not just see it as a legal paper. It depends on how you view marriage. I on the other hand see it differently and there are many advantages health wise with being in a committed relationship such as marriage.
    But it's no secret that most teenagers and young adults are dating to see how things go and if they work out or not so experimenting. This is what people seem to do before settling down. I'm simply saying, there's nothing wrong with experimenting but you could do so without having sex. Me personally, I just don't see the point in sharing such an experience with guys I wouldn't end up being with for long term. Sex seems very intimate to me, I think it's a very beautiful, person thing. This is my own opinion and I know people disagree.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by bethanystephens)
    I've been with my boyfriend for four years and we believe in waiting and it has had zero strain on us whatsoever. When you get a partner, just make sure to let them know your beliefs within the first few months or else they might not be too happy with stuff, like I was talking to this guy before (not really together) and his only focus was "when we gonna have sex?" so when I told him my opinions, he got pretty riled up and mad at me because he didn't get to get what he wanted. There's someone out there with your beliefs, I promise <3
    Oh my gosh, goalssss!
    Right on. Right on.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: May 23, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you like to hibernate through the winter months?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.