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Family is stopping me from having sex before marriage Watch

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    What kind of life is it that you are already fearing being killed by your husband over something as trivial as an intact hymen? It's probably already been mentioned but many people are born without one whilst other people, like me, broke there's accidentally (in my case it was a bike incident).
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    (Original post by Moonstruck16)
    What kind of life is it that you are already fearing being killed by your husband over something as trivial as an intact hymen? It's probably already been mentioned but many people are born without one whilst other people, like me, broke there's accidentally (in my case it was a bike incident).
    I wish I wish I wish I was born into a different culture and life. I'm completely financially dependent on my father until I finish my studies at uni (even if I get a job it won't be enough to survive on and balance uni workload). I'm torn between not wanting to hurting my parents and screaming my head of at my mum
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I wish I wish I was born into a different culture and life. I'm completely financially dependent on my father until I finish my studies at uni (even if I get a job it won't be enough to survive on and balance uni workload). I'm torn between not wanting to hurting my parents and screaming my head of at my mum
    Do you live at uni halls, or at home whilst at uni?
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    WOW
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    You are 20 years old, you can make your own decisions. If you want to have sex then have sex. Your parents don't have to know everything that goes in your life. If your family are strict and whatnot, get a job and move out. You have to take responsibility for your own life and not just sit by when decisions (you don't want) are made for you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Can someone actually give me advice on what to do instead of advocating that I should sign my life away to the fate my parents want for me with some random guy they hold in high esteem
    Put it bluntly. Your parents have no control over your actions.

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    (Original post by lawyer3c)
    Do you live at uni halls, or at home whilst at uni?
    Uni halls last year and this year I'm living in a rented house with other girls on my course. My parents (in particular mum) tried to make me commute to uni but I absolutely put my foot down and kept saying no so they lost that argument. My mum says it's just because she cares though and she's most happiest when I'm under her roof
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Uni halls last year and this year I'm living in a rented house with other girls on my course. My parents (in particular mum) tried to make me commute to uni but I absolutely put my foot down and kept saying no so they lost that argument. My mum says it's just because she cares though and she's most happiest when I'm under her roof
    That's great, so you're relatively free?

    What's to stop you having sex whilst at uni?
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    If she cares for you, then she should trust you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But the guy I marry will because he'll feel I'm not as tight and there won't be blood
    The overwhelming majority of guys won't care whether you're virgin or not, but you will probably have to leave Islam to find a decent guy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But the guy I marry will because he'll feel I'm not as tight and there won't be blood
    (Original post by retro_turtles)
    I swear the whole blood thing doesn't happen to everyone. Like the hymen can tear when people do horseriding or use tampons so you don't exactly have to explain the lack of blood.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I could get that into my mums tiny little brain, I'm crying now out of frustration and sadness I hate that I've been given such an ignorant mother
    Ok, so you don't actually believe that your future husband will "feel I'm [you're] not as tight", you're just putting forth your mother's opinion/fear?

    As long as you know that that won't be the case at all, and is thus nothing to worry about, then that's the most important thing.
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    you have one life
    don't waste it doing something you don't want to do.
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    (Original post by lawyer3c)
    That's great, so you're relatively free?

    What's to stop you having sex whilst at uni?
    I could do in theory yes but I'm so afraid of having sex before marriage. I'm scared my parents will find out, I'm scared I'll be different down there, I don't want to feel cheap and used like other Muslim girls have pointed out on here and I'm scared of the consequences that will happen to me if my future husband or parents find out I'm not a virign
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    (Original post by lawyer3c)
    Ok, so you don't actually believe that your future husband will "feel I'm [you're] not as tight", you're just putting forth your mother's opinion/fear?

    As long as you know that that won't be the case at all, and is thus nothing to worry about, then that's the most important thing.
    Well I don't know I've been told this my whole life that I 75% believe what she says will happen but then I see the reasoning on here and I wish my mum would see this reasoning as well
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish my parents and family weren't so backwards, they cannot be reasoned with and they'll get me married off to a guy who has similar thinking to them I feel so bleak about my life My mum regardless of what you tell her believes the hymen breaks during sex, she says it did for all her sisters and her but j tried to tell her that was probably a tear to the vaginal wall because the guy was being forceful. I don't want to wait until marriage but they've instilled such a fear in me that I can't bring myself to have sex outside marriage now even if I wanted to. My mum denies that my bedsheets will be shown around to prove I am a virgin but that my future husband will see it and he won't trust me and think i wasn't a virgin if he doesn't see blood. For this reason she won't let me use a tampon, she had such a go at me when I asked if I could use one :/
    If you can pluck the courage to come out on TSR and rant against your family, then i'm sure your more than capable of moving out as well.

    Nobody is holding you back!
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    If you want sex, then go ahead and have it, you're free to do what you want. (I'm assuming you don't believe in Islam or aren't religious)

    As for your future husband, don't marry someone backwards minded. Forced marriages are illegal AND against Islam.
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    It's a parent's responsibility to inform their children of the facts of life - the REAL facts and not some notions that suits their purpose in order to control their daughters. Bloodied sheets, broken hymens, just to frighten girls into submission. At 20 years old, a young woman should know how her body works. Disgraceful!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I could do in theory yes but I'm so afraid of having sex before marriage. I'm scared my parents will find out, I'm scared I'll be different down there, I don't want to feel cheap and used like other Muslim girls have pointed out on here and I'm scared of the consequences that will happen to me if my future husband or parents find out I'm not a virign
    If you don't want to have sex before marriage, then you shouldn't. But you shouldn't let the fear mongering nonsense of your mother (and controlling Muslim men) stop you from living your life the way you want to.

    Firstly, how would your parents find out?

    Secondly, you won't be different 'down there'. This viewpoint portrays men's genitals as some magical things that forever change a woman, that's just not the case! Have a look at these links for scientific proof to see for yourself:

    http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-a...of-your-vagina
    http://www.sarilocker.com/advice/qa.php?id=282
    The tightness of a woman’s vagina is not related to the size of the penises that have been inside it. It’s a myth that a woman’s vagina becomes permanently stretched out from having sex with a man with a large penis. After each sexual encounter, the vagina contracts to its original size, and it has no lasting stretching from a large penis. The only way that a woman’s vagina may stretch significantly is after she has a baby, and as you know a baby is much larger than any human penis.
    Why would you want to be with any man that you feared violence etc from if he found out you weren't a virgin? For most men it really won't be an issue, and for those of whom it is an issue, these are not the type of guys you should be wasting your time with - you can do better.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well I don't know I've been told this my whole life that I 75% believe what she says will happen but then I see the reasoning on here and I wish my mum would see this reasoning as well
    Hopefully the links above will help you realise that what your mother has told you is nothing more than sexist rhetoric with no basis in fact perpetuated to shame and repress Muslim women.
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    (Original post by lawyer3c)
    If you don't want to have sex before marriage, then you shouldn't. But you shouldn't let the fear mongering nonsense of your mother (and controlling Muslim men) stop you from living your life the way you want to.

    Firstly, how would your parents find out?

    Secondly, you won't be different 'down there'. This viewpoint portrays men's genitals as some magical things that forever change a woman, that's just not the case! Have a look at these links for scientific proof to see for yourself:

    http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-a...of-your-vagina
    http://www.sarilocker.com/advice/qa.php?id=282


    Why would you want to be with any man that you feared violence etc from if he found out you weren't a virgin? For most men it really won't be an issue, and for those of whom it is an issue, these are not the type of guys you should be wasting your time with - you can do better.


    Hopefully the links above will help you realise that what your mother has told you is nothing more than sexist rhetoric with no basis in fact perpetuated to shame and repress Muslim women.
    I feel happy and I really really want to believe what these articles are saying but it's like I have a mental block about this, I can't shake of the fear and anxiety about it because of so many years of what my mum has told me and other Muslims. I wish I could be free but it feels like I have a mental band wrapped tight around me and I can't get rid of it.
    Also on my wedding night should I pretend I'm in pain to fool him into thinking I'm a virgin? I know I should never marry a man who's going to be violent if he finds out I'm not one but you never know how someone will react to this situation until they see after sex that you're not a Virgin
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I feel happy and I really really want to believe what these articles are saying but it's like I have a mental block about this, I can't shake of the fear and anxiety about it because of so many years of what my mum has told me and other Muslims. I wish I could be free but it feels like I have a mental band wrapped tight around me and I can't get rid of it.
    If you have been indoctrinated into believing something from a young age then I understand how it can be difficult to recognise that it is not true. I don't know what else I could suggest for this, unfortunately.

    Also on my wedding night should I pretend I'm in pain to fool him into thinking I'm a virgin? I know I should never marry a man who's going to be violent if he finds out I'm not one but you never know how someone will react to this situation until they see after sex that you're not a Virgin
    Why live a lie? If he asks if you are a virgin (and at the time you are not), tell him the truth. You should do this before marriage. If he doesn't ask before marriage then I think you can probably assume he doesn't care.

    Hopefully you'll get an idea of how violent/tolerant/nice a guy he is before you marry him, so you shouldn't have that problem.
 
 
 
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