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Girls, would you change your surname to your husband's when you married? watch

  • View Poll Results: Girls,would you change your surname?;Guys, do you expect your wives to change theirs?
    Yes
    237
    71.82%
    No
    93
    28.18%

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    (Original post by Mr Disco)
    Why though? If you see it as indicative of commitment why wouldn't it be an important issue to you?
    It can both be an important issue to you and be petty.
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    (Original post by lekky)
    Aint gonna happen

    Genuinely though - this could potentially be a deal breaker for me.
    I've never given this much thought but I always assumed she would :/ I didn't realise some people felt so strongly about it

    I suppose if she wouldn't change her name because she wanted to prove equality in our relationship or to show that I didn't "own" her, that would be disappointing because that's not really a price I should have to pay to win her trust.

    But if she wanted to keep her name because it had significant importance to her, sentimental or otherwise, I don't see the problem in her keeping her surname.

    BUT, what if he came from a traditional family and it was really important you took his name? I have much to learn yet, but even I know that once you're in love, there's very little you wouldn't do for the other person. But then again you could argue that it swings both ways :dontknow:
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    (Original post by Br1stol)
    Wow, just wow. Did you even read my posts?
    No, I suppose I just stopped reading the moment I was convinced of the extremely logical honour-and-tradition argument and went off to plan my name change in all my documents post marriage.
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    (Original post by DawnAR)
    And kinda vice versa. Guys, do you expect your wives to change their last name to your own?

    I hope this thread hasn't been done before..if it has, just direct me to it please

    This issue recently came up in class actually, which is why it got me interested. We had a sub teacher who was saying he would be really offended if his future wife didn't feel it was an "honour" to take his last name and decided to keep her own. The discussion that ensued was quite heated, I've got to say. (Saying that to a class full of girls was probably a very bad idea )

    I know that a lot of women nowadays keep their maiden name because of their careers, and because of the whole feminism thing. But quite a substantial number of women also change their surname when they marry.

    What do you people think? Any reasons why?

    EDIT: And in case anyone's missing it, there's a poll too, so please answer!
    You should have put 'maybe' in your poll. I might, I don't know yet.

    Also the guy who said that is a moron.
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    Well, I don't like my surname - it's an Irish/Scottish one and it's kinda annoying because no one can say it right or spell it (and it's not like it's difficult). However, I wouldn't change my surname if someone told me I had to change it, if they asked then I'd be okay with it. I'll happily change it, provided it's not worse than mine. I like how Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper are doing it, their kids are taking her surname because Ed's said he knows how it is with that surname and doesn't want to put them through the stupid nicknames.
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    (Original post by Ras17)
    I've never given this much thought but I always assumed she would :/ I didn't realise some people felt so strongly about it

    I suppose if she wouldn't change her name because she wanted to prove equality in our relationship or to show that I didn't "own" her, that would be disappointing because that's not really a price I should have to pay to win her trust.

    But if she wanted to keep her name because it had significant importance to her, sentimental or otherwise, I don't see the problem in her keeping her surname.

    BUT, what if he came from a traditional family and it was really important you took his name? I have much to learn yet, but even I know that once you're in love, there's very little you wouldn't do for the other person. But then again you could argue that it swings both ways :dontknow:
    If he came from that much of a traditional family it's unlikely we'd be getting married

    I feel pretty strongly about it. If my partner didn't appreciate why I didn't want to change my name and didn't understand my reasons, or indeed though that it was "tradition" or "my duty" to change my name that's going to be a deal breaker. Not only because well, I'm absolutely not changing my name but also because that's not the kind of person I'm going to want to marry.
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    I would have said no before I was with my current partner. We've been together for a few years now and are talking about getting married and I'm just so crazy about him that I do really want to be Mrs S---- now So hypothetically no - in reality when it is a specific person I'm in love with, that all changes.
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    (Original post by flywithemma)
    I definitely would, it just seems really awkward not to, as if you're not wholly committed to what you're doing or something. Even though after my generation, my surname's going to run out in my family if we all do that, as there aren't any males

    UNLESS it was something awful...

    My ex boyfriend said that if he gets married, he wants to change his name to that of his partner...I think it's a bit strange, haha, but each to their own...

    I guess I'm just traditional.
    I think Native Indians used to do that.
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    (Original post by Mr Disco)
    You talk of "collateral", but if a woman believes that "commitment" is justifiable collateral damage then perhaps marriage is not an appropriate institution for them. It might be a "sexist" tradition, but it is also fundamentally harmless, it is indicative of a time when marriage was an economic and social restraint on women, but that is no longer the case.
    I don't think true commitment is sensible collateral in marriage. I'm talking about the perception or illusion of commitment generated by placing too much importance on this tradition.

    I don't think it is harmless. I think traditions, expectations and social norms that reinforce social injustice are not harmless, even if there isn't an obvious, cast-iron link between a specific tradition/norm/expectation and some obvious and tangible harm. Marriage may not be as much of an economic or social restraint for many women these days, but it still is for some and in some more subtle ways for most. The state still gives 'rewards' to married couples, people are treated differently based on their marital status, many people feel that non-monogamy in marriage is unacceptable or strange, etc.

    Even if it is harmless, it is also pointless. "Oh why not" isn't a good reason to do something. If it's so harmless and so unimportant and doesn't indicate an imbalance between men and women, then why do so many men still put so much emphasis on it?

    But there are genuine and valid fears about the effects of not changing the surname, particularly with regards to presenting a unified front.
    Why do they need to present a united front?

    There is also a selfish motivation about the worry about the way in which his marriage will be viewed. But why shouldn't a prospective wife take this selfish motivation into account? A man is expected to be empathetic with regards to a woman's body image, and how she is viewed in the world depending on the shape of her body.
    Why should she base her actions on how some narrow minded idiots will percieve someone else? Again, it's an irrational concern. I was worried as a child that my friends would think my mum and dad were bad parents because they wouldn't get me a TV and a Playstation. I never got the TV and Playstation

    Women are expected to be sensitive and considerate when it comes to male body image. In fact, I think this is a basic standard for being a nice person. It's not a tradeable concession that man are expected to make to women. Secondly, a woman is in charge of her own body. It's not as though her husband has to do (or not do) things in order to protect her body image in the eyes of others.


    Ultimately I'm just not convinced that the feminist argument should be enough to deter a woman from taking her husbands name, because I do not believe that it is enough of a feminist issue; it is hardly a cause of a lack of social or economic inequality. It is further reduced as a feminist issue of genuine interest in virtue of its being a choice, rather than an obligation.
    Again, I disagree. I think the choices we make and the reasons we make them can be as powerful as the obligations and demands we face. Choosing to stick with tradition for fear of breaking it is as nearly as toxic a thing as being forced to conform to tradition. It still represents social inequality, as this conversation demonstrates. A woman is entitled to all the same conerns as her partner, in terms of whether he loves her enough to take her name etc, but strangely the man's concerns seem to be given more recognition. That is social privilege and social inequality.
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    It's a very different question you're posing to girls and to guys. If I were a guy I wouldn't expect a girl to change her name for me. However, when/if I get married I will change my name, because i respect the tradition of it all and I just think it makes life easier. When the doctor announced my younger sister was a girl my dad gave up all hope of us lot carrying on the family name
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    I'd keep my name, although I don't really see me getting married anyway.
    I remember when I was young I thought you had to change your name, I didn't want to so decided I'd only marry someone with the same surname (preferably not a relation). Now I think I'll just keep my name, makes my options far less limited, haha.
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    I wouldn't keep my surname. My brother and dad have a an exaggerated sense of importance of our family name so it would kinda make a statement and show them.
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    I would take their name, everyone in my family has so far.
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    I already have six names, so maybe I'll just add another hypen.
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    (Original post by JMJ19)
    Can I ask why?

    Also even though I don't really like my surname all that much, I'd still be really offended if my girlfriend didn't take my name.
    I do understand that. Other girls need to accept that our 99.9% of our female ancestors changed there names (bar the probably super feminist ones of the time who were lucky to marry!) and it is 'the norm'! But I personally strive for equality (not superiority which so many feminists demand) thus would not expect him to change his name (hyphen what not) or me to change mine.

    I'll be honest I blame it on my parents divorce. Horrible drawn out affair that lasted years and years. And some of the happiest couples I've ever met were just 'partners', life partners but not married.

    Marriage seems to put a mentality in peoples heads that they're not free. Not that they would 'cheat' if they weren't married, but the second the ring goes on it becomes 'shackles'. And that really effects the relationship. I think if your're happy, stay happy. Theres no need to declare it to the world and spend thousands on one day.

    But if I do meet 'the one' and decide to get married I've have to have a pre-nup...which doesn't exactly start the things off to a good start
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    (Original post by lekky)
    If he came from that much of a traditional family it's unlikely we'd be getting married

    I feel pretty strongly about it. If my partner didn't appreciate why I didn't want to change my name and didn't understand my reasons, or indeed though that it was "tradition" or "my duty" to change my name that's going to be a deal breaker. Not only because well, I'm absolutely not changing my name but also because that's not the kind of person I'm going to want to marry.
    That's a good point actually And besides I'm sure you want to keep your name for other reasons than to assert it as a mark of equality, which if so, is perfectly reasonable.
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    Am I the only guy who would prefer her future wife to keep her own name?
    Here in Spain we have two surnames (our dad's first surname and our mum's first surname, usually in that order), and no one changes their surnames when they marry.
    To be fair, if I ever marry (in the UK, that is), I would hyphen my two surnames because I don't want to lose any of them, and I would expect my future wife to not want to lose her surname(s) either, so, why should she?
    Plus, if she did, my children would have the same surname (mine) twice in their Spanish passport... I think it'd be better for them to have my first surname and her mother's, showing their full ancestry.

    Of course, if she wanted my surname, I'd be happy, but I would never, never ask anyone to give up their name to take mine.
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    (Original post by Mr Disco)
    Do you mean that it is something you yourself would never consider, or you oppose its existence as an institution?
    Its something I personally would find very difficult to consider. I guess if I met the right guy, was deleriously happy he might...might just be able to persuade me but that would take a hell of a lot of workd. To be honest I just don't want to get married.

    I also kind of oppose its existence as an instituion...if I have interpreted that correctly. Like I have said in another reply it creates a mentality of 'no freedom'. Not that the individual people in the couple would ever cheat if they weren't married but once the ring goes on it becomes 'restricting'..get me?!

    It works for some, and not for others. Those that it does work for live very happy lives, and thats brilliant. But theres a hell of a lot that it doesn't work for. And divorce is messy.
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    I'll probably change mine. Only downside is that my current boyfriend's surname is Brereton and I can only just about spell it so imagine how well that'll work haha

    My surname is a pain to spell, so many people get it really wrong
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    Of course, I would like to become Mrs. Earle.
 
 
 
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