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Ask me anything about.....relationships :E Watch

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    There's a girl I like, but she's so immersed in her own world. How do I get her to like me? :sexface:
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    (Original post by keromedic)
    If I'm dating someone, should I ask important questions early on?
    Reason for: I want to know whether we'd run into certain issues down the road. I don't want to grow attached to someone and discover that we have major compatibility issues.
    Reason against: They might get scared and think I'm pressuring them.
    Hey there

    Hmmm I know what you mean. I think the main thing is to try and strike a balance you don't want to go over board to the extent where they feel they are being interrogated but then again you would want to ask a few specific question during the initial dates to try and determine their beliefs/ morals/ plans for the future and if they are compatible with yours. If you are on a date and are wanting to ask specific question I think you need to take it slowly don't just bring it out of the blue but lets say you were religious and then they are talking about their plans for the weekend you might say "how do you tend to spend your sunday" haa not a great example but something a long those lines where it doesn't feel as direct or it may even come up into the conversation naturaully, rather than just saying at the beginning of the date "Do you believe in God ?" :rofl: So sometimes you can ask important/ specific question but in a way that it doesn't feel like they are being interrogated/ won't scare them off because it is related to what you are talking about/ has been asked in an indirect way.

    If you're at a club/ bar/ party and you suddenly as someone youve just met an important question about themselves they will be caught of guard/ not expecting it and I think they could get a bit scared and it might but them off since they are would be probably expecting less important questions e.g. whats your name, what are you studying etc.

    If it's not your first time approaching the person and are likely to spend a lot of time talking before hand e.g. as would be the case with online dating I think it makes it a little bit more easier. Usually in this environment people are prepared for these important / specific questions and so do not become scared when they are raised earlier on. Consequently in this environment I think one can 'probe' a little bit more
    as they will be expecting these more important/ specific questions compared to someone who is at a club/ party.

    Hopefully that has helped a little
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    (Original post by bluemax)
    There's a girl I like, but she's so immersed in her own world. How do I get her to like me? :sexface:
    Have you seen anything in her language/ behaviour etc that show she might like you?

    The thing is you can't get people to like you...well you can get them to like you as a friend providing you try hard enough (doesn't always work though and unfortunately, all so often person ends up changing themselves too much / trying so hard to the extent that they are no longer happy because they've dedicated so much of their time to another and sometimes they realise in retrospect that it was not worth it. ). Trying to get someone to like you as more as a friend is much harder work and there is no guarantee you will get the prize in the end...

    although sometimes, if you're lucky, the prize does come to you

    Do you think she likes you?

    If not why why not?

    Have you spoke to her?

    Has she shown that she is interested in guys/ forming a relationship/ friendship with anyone at the moment?
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    (Original post by Dodgy Git)
    Yeah, I will ... I've got my guard up
    good good.

    Good luck buddy :crossedf:
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    Hmmm it's strange, but I actually thinking the meeting up thing would be a very good idea. I never saw it like that but in talking together you would be able to see that yes, you do like each other a lot but why a relationship isn't feasible. Even though it would be the end of you two meeting up again I feel it could allow things to end on a good note as your both able to see why a relationship may not be appropriate between the two of you at this time. Then again it could go the other way and by the end of it the two of you may just be quite depressed at the thought of not meeting up again.

    I can see that you clearly like talking to her. In her head I feel she really likes talking to you to and the fact that you will not meet again does not put her off. She seems comfortable around you to the extent where she can say spicy things/ flirt with you and she is happy to keep the maintain the friendship in this way (i.e. talking but not meeting).

    Whereas with you, you also enjoy the conversation but you are seeing it from a more logical perspective "Why are we speaking if we are not going to be meeting again?". If you do like talking to her then yes I agree with you it would be strange just to cut her off like that and I'm sure you would miss her conversations quite a bit at first but with time it sounds like you would get over it. I say this because in your mind cutting off contact is an option and you're not all like "omg I've got to carry on speaking to her even if its not face to face". This option would be easier for you because you won't be talking much so with time she will becoming less significant in your life and you won't be reminded of her. However I'm sure she will miss you a lot and will wonder why you have suddenly cut contact.

    The other option is to carry on speaking but you can't get too sort of involved because you know there is going to be no chance of meeting up again/ forming anything more serious. You could speak to her and suggest you speak more as friends and maybe reduce the spicy chat. Maybe this would be the better option as you will still be able to speak to each other but it will be more as friends and it would stop fooling your brains that there could be a potential chance of a relationship.

    What do you think?

    After thinking about it, I just feel that I should ask her the reasoning behind us talking like a couple when we wont meet again (in much better words). This will, almost inevitably, lead to us not talking in some way or another, which is a real shame because I thought we could have had a great time before I went to uni. I dont think it would be possible to talk to her as 'just friends' now, we are too far beyond that stage to ever go back.

    I have probed again and again, trying to make her tell me the reason why she doesnt want to meet me over the next 2 months, even after having a great time with me (I phrase it in a better way so its like Im not explicitly asking this) yet she still wont tell me.

    The only sensible reason I can think of is this: she is inexperienced. Im beginning to think that, since I am her first 'guy', she likes the attention I give her. Perhaps, due to her inexperience, she has never had a guy talk to her in a complimentary way. She has at times come across as being insecure and needy, so maybe she doesnt actually like me, rather the increased self-esteem I grant her. This explains why she still wants to talk to me all the time, and partly explains why she has a past of mooching attention from guys.
    I really dont know if this is a valid or invalid conclusion to make, I mean its not like I can just ask her. The only way I can realistically find out if this is true is to make her extremely jealous (talk about meeting other girls) and see if she budges her stance, but would I be in the wrong here?

    Its a shame, I really liked her, but I guess now that Ive thought about it she may have never felt the same.

    Thanks alot btw
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    Have you seen anything in her language/ behaviour etc that show she might like you?

    Do you think she likes you?

    If not why why not?

    Have you spoke to her?

    Has she shown that she is interested in guys/ forming a relationship/ friendship with anyone at the moment?
    1. Maybe, its hard to say. She has a really sweet personality and is nice to literally everyone she talks to

    2. Don't think so. She lives in her own world, too focused on work, doesn't even go out with her friends that much. I'm quite close to one of her friend's.

    3. Yep, I've spoken to her on multiple occasions but I've never hit on her because she's gorgeous and get's hit on so often that it pisses her off.

    4. I don't think she is interested in forming a relationship with anyone at the moment but again she's a girl and they're hard to read. Though I've heard she was in a relationship a couple of years ago.
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    lmao omg I just went back and read it and realised :rofl:

    Number is zero!!! but I aint even jelly bro.

    I'm glad you caught up!

    Of course you're not jelly, you're a woman!
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    (Original post by ¯\(°_o)/¯)
    I'm glad you caught up!

    Of course you're not jelly, you're a woman!
    this site is famous for its creeps you see and with creeps come creepy questions so I assumed - sorry! :rofl2:

    lool yeah I'd probably be crying about it if I was a man :rofl:
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    (Original post by bluemax)
    1. Maybe, its hard to say. She has a really sweet personality and is nice to literally everyone she talks to

    2. Don't think so. She lives in her own world, too focused on work, doesn't even go out with her friends that much. I'm quite close to one of her friend's.

    3. Yep, I've spoken to her on multiple occasions but I've never hit on her because she's gorgeous and get's hit on so often that it pisses her off.

    4. I don't think she is interested in forming a relationship with anyone at the moment but again she's a girl and they're hard to read. Though I've heard she was in a relationship a couple of years ago.
    hmmm given all that, is it going to be so tricky then because it seems that whatever you try and do to get her attention she is just going to find it annoying/ think your one of those guys who is just speaking to her because she is gorgeous.

    Also because of her personality, it's difficult to say whether she feels something unique for you inparticular or whether she is just being nice and sweet. Currently, I would sway more towards the latter because she isn't displaying anything unique for you, at the moment. With that being said though, it doesn't mean that feelings could not develop with time.

    Thats the thing if she does not even go out with her friends it is very unrealistic that she would make time for a guy. However the good news is that you are close to one of her friends and also you know she loves to work.

    How about this? Could you possibly use 'work' as a reason to speak to her more. Are you in any of the same classes? Do you sit near her in class? Is there any topic she struggles on which you maybe able to explain to her? You are close to one of her friends so they maybe able to help you with this. Does the friend know that you like her though that's quite important because if not then it might be better to keep it that way unless you can trust the friend 100%. In doing that she will still be in her 'comfort zone' i.e. studying/working but it would give you the chance to spend more time with each other and when you take breaks you could always speak more.

    It just seems that she is so involved in her own world the only way to get any attention is by entertaining that world and at the moment it seems to be revolved around studying / working hard. When you are taking a break from the study session you could even strike up conversations about her plans for the future/ ambitions as she seems like someone who would be very ambitious.

    Hmm again that is good news. If she had never ever been in a relationship with anyone despite all this attention from guys it would seem that for one reason or another she is really put off relationships/ has not interest whatsoever in forming anything with any guys at this time, however the fact she was previously in a relationship shows that if the right person comes along then she is willing to give them a chance and isn't put off guys in general.

    What do you think with regards to what I said about the whole studying together thing?..I don't know how else you would go about it without her finding you too keen/ thinking your just like the other guys talking to her because she's gorgeous.

    You mentioned her personality so I don't think this is the case anyway
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    (Original post by I Need Help 2)
    After thinking about it, I just feel that I should ask her the reasoning behind us talking like a couple when we wont meet again (in much better words). This will, almost inevitably, lead to us not talking in some way or another, which is a real shame because I thought we could have had a great time before I went to uni. I dont think it would be possible to talk to her as 'just friends' now, we are too far beyond that stage to ever go back.

    I have probed again and again, trying to make her tell me the reason why she doesn't want to meet me over the next 2 months, even after having a great time with me (I phrase it in a better way so its like Im not explicitly asking this) yet she still wont tell me.

    The only sensible reason I can think of is this: she is inexperienced. Im beginning to think that, since I am her first 'guy', she likes the attention I give her. Perhaps, due to her inexperience, she has never had a guy talk to her in a complimentary way. She has at times come across as being insecure and needy, so maybe she doesnt actually like me, rather the increased self-esteem I grant her. This explains why she still wants to talk to me all the time, and partly explains why she has a past of mooching attention from guys.
    I really dont know if this is a valid or invalid conclusion to make, I mean its not like I can just ask her. The only way I can realistically find out if this is true is to make her extremely jealous (talk about meeting other girls) and see if she budges her stance, but would I be in the wrong here?

    Its a shame, I really liked her, but I guess now that Ive thought about it she may have never felt the same.

    Thanks alot btw

    I also agree with you, you should ask her that. However, I will be surprised if you get a real response. It seems you've been trying to get quite a lot of answers from her but she never seems to answer them.

    Yeah after reading what you've written I understand why that wouldn't work: friends

    Again after reading everything you've written about her insecurity / neediness I would agree with you. It would explain why she continues to talk to you and why she does make the chats spicy sometimes because obviously she knows that would be a way of getting more attention.

    She's already told you that she does not want to meet up/ there will be no relationship so why would she continue to talk to you as if you were a couple and encourage you. She's saying one thing but doing another thing. Now when you tell me all the things about her having a past of trying to get as much attention from guys as possible/ being very insecure it would only make sense that she enjoys this attention and having control i.e. being able to make you feel like this for her and it seems she doesn't want it to end. Even she said she would not like to cut off contact. Also I remember you telling me that when you speak about other girls she gets very jealous and slightly upset. If you're not with her then surely you will be with someone else, which would mean you wouldn't be giving her anymore attention..I feel that is what sparks off the jealous/ reason why she gets upset , which reflects her insecurity.

    To be honest I think doing what you said is going to be the only way of getting a response out of her because no matter what you say/ how many times you ask her she won't give you a true reason but you'll be able to determine the truth by her behaviour when you do that ...it would be interesting to see if she does budge.

    If we are wrong about the whole insecurity thing the only other thing I can think of is this: she is scared, scared of being used. She might feel that because you are going to university you are not going to be around for long. You said she is needy and she must also see that she is needy and she might be scared of getting too attached to you because when she does need you she feels you won't be there as you will be at university. Consequently that could be why she continues to talk as a couple, because she does like you and does want to be 'couply' but she knows realistically it would only be a short term thing and everything would end when you go to uni. Hence, she tries to distance herself from you physically as she feels if you did meet up feelings would only become more intense and possibly more physical than the first time you met up.

    Have you ever spoken to her about this/ the future/ going to uni , if so how has she reacted.

    Do you think what I said about being scared could be a realistic thought in her head? If so maybe you should try bringing this issue up but then again you would have to see whether you would be able to reassure her or whether she is right that it would just have to be a shrort-term thing.


    No problem buddy
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    this site is famous for its creeps you see and with creeps come creepy questions so I assumed - sorry! :rofl2:

    lool yeah I'd probably be crying about it if I was a man :rofl:
    I'm well aware, I'm one of those creeps :perv:

    Naa, I meant you're literally a woman and not jelly - the substance. You took it to mean jelly - as short for jealous. I thought it was a clever pun i was clearly wrong..
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    (Original post by ¯\(°_o)/¯)
    I'm well aware, I'm one of those creeps :perv:

    Naa, I meant you're literally a woman and not jelly - the substance. You took it to mean jelly - as short for jealous. I thought it was a clever pun i was clearly wrong..
    :rofl: I suppose we all have to be slightly creepy to spend our time on tsr in the first place

    ohhh right :rofl: yeah I thought you meant jealous
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    I also agree with you, you should ask her that. However, I will be surprised if you get a real response. It seems you've been trying to get quite a lot of answers from her but she never seems to answer them.

    Yeah after reading what you've written I understand why that wouldn't work: friends

    Again after reading everything you've written about her insecurity / neediness I would agree with you. It would explain why she continues to talk to you and why she does make the chats spicy sometimes because obviously she knows that would be a way of getting more attention.

    She's already told you that she does not want to meet up/ there will be no relationship so why would she continue to talk to you as if you were a couple and encourage you. She's saying one thing but doing another thing. Now when you tell me all the things about her having a past of trying to get as much attention from guys as possible/ being very insecure it would only make sense that she enjoys this attention and having control i.e. being able to make you feel like this for her and it seems she doesn't want it to end. Even she said she would not like to cut off contact. Also I remember you telling me that when you speak about other girls she gets very jealous and slightly upset. If you're not with her then surely you will be with someone else, which would mean you wouldn't be giving her anymore attention..I feel that is what sparks off the jealous/ reason why she gets upset , which reflects her insecurity.

    To be honest I think doing what you said is going to be the only way of getting a response out of her because no matter what you say/ how many times you ask her she won't give you a true reason but you'll be able to determine the truth by her behaviour when you do that ...it would be interesting to see if she does budge.

    If we are wrong about the whole insecurity thing the only other thing I can think of is this: she is scared, scared of being used. She might feel that because you are going to university you are not going to be around for long. You said she is needy and she must also see that she is needy and she might be scared of getting too attached to you because when she does need you she feels you won't be there as you will be at university. Consequently that could be why she continues to talk as a couple, because she does like you and does want to be 'couply' but she knows realistically it would only be a short term thing and everything would end when you go to uni. Hence, she tries to distance herself from you physically as she feels if you did meet up feelings would only become more intense and possibly more physical than the first time you met up.

    Have you ever spoken to her about this/ the future/ going to uni , if so how has she reacted.

    Do you think what I said about being scared could be a realistic thought in her head? If so maybe you should try bringing this issue up but then again you would have to see whether you would be able to reassure her or whether she is right that it would just have to be a shrort-term thing.


    No problem buddy
    I suppose it could be either she is using me or she is just scared of being overly attached. Strange how these are both completely different emotions ....

    Im going to bring up the future between us with her later on this week when I can talk a bit more, so I will post back again with her response. The main problem, however, is that if she was using me to satisfy an attention craving, she would lie about being scared of the future etc anyway, so I guess I will need to use my own judgement over whether she is being honest or not.
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    (Original post by I Need Help 2)
    I suppose it could be either she is using me or she is just scared of being overly attached. Strange how these are both completely different emotions ....

    Im going to bring up the future between us with her later on this week when I can talk a bit more, so I will post back again with her response. The main problem, however, is that if she was using me to satisfy an attention craving, she would lie about being scared of the future etc anyway, so I guess I will need to use my own judgement over whether she is being honest or not.
    hmmm

    could you not mention anything about being scared of the future and talk about meeting up with another girl who you've met and then see how she reacts- that way you'll be able to see if its to satisfy an attention craving without putting the idea of being scared of the future in her head.

    Once you've spoken to her the guru will be here waiting for you :bhangra:
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    hmmm

    could you not mention anything about being scared of the future and talk about meeting up with another girl who you've met and then see how she reacts- that way you'll be able to see if its to satisfy an attention craving without putting the idea of being scared of the future in her head.

    Once you've spoken to her the guru will be here waiting for you :bhangra:
    The problem is that when I mention another girl, she just gets upset, annoyed and will be very dry with me for a while. She wont just blurt out that she is scared of the future because Im making her jealous. This way wont allow me to draw a valid conclusion.

    I just cant think of a way that I can get it out of her and have no doubt about it being the truth :confused:

    Damn women. So confusing and difficult.
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    hmmm given all that, is it going to be so tricky then because it seems that whatever you try and do to get her attention she is just going to find it annoying/ think your one of those guys who is just speaking to her because she is gorgeous.


    What do you think with regards to what I said about the whole studying together thing?..I don't know how else you would go about it without her finding you too keen/ thinking your just like the other guys talking to her because she's gorgeous.

    You mentioned her personality so I don't think this is the case anyway
    Hey, that's some good stuff in here. I've used work as an excuse before to talk to her. The problem is that she's a year ahead of me so I sometimes I rarely see her sucks really.

    Anyway reading what you've said and to others I absolve you from all accusations that you are a fraud

    PS: Any tips on how to 'escape' the friendzone?
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    (Original post by I Need Help 2)
    The problem is that when I mention another girl, she just gets upset, annoyed and will be very dry with me for a while. She wont just blurt out that she is scared of the future because Im making her jealous. This way wont allow me to draw a valid conclusion.

    I just cant think of a way that I can get it out of her and have no doubt about it being the truth :confused:

    Damn women. So confusing and difficult.
    Do you feel you could just ask "Dear/ hun/ whatever is cool these days or actually probably better just to use her name You say you do not want to meet up/ form anything more serious and that is fine. Why is it though that as soon as I mention another girl you become very upset and annoyed with me? Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to start an argument or make you feel bad I just want to know why, although you do not wish to meet up you chat to me as if we are a couple. I've contemplated so much about the possible reasons why but I would just like to hear the reason from you and after that I promise not to ask again. I willing to listen to all that you have to say and I promise not to judge you. "

    How do you think that would go down? Here you are showing her in a kind, honest way that all you want is the truth. We are not putting ideas into her head saying "oh are you just scared or slightly insecure?" we are presenting her with the opportunity to tell us what is holding her back/ why what she says and her actions aren't corresponding. Again if she is super insecure and that is one of the reasons at the end we are reminding/ reassuring her that you are trustworthy so she will be more likely to open up to her than being silent because she is potentially scared?
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    (Original post by bluemax)
    Hey, that's some good stuff in here. I've used work as an excuse before to talk to her. The problem is that she's a year ahead of me so I sometimes I rarely see her sucks really.

    Anyway reading what you've said and to others I absolve you from all accusations that you are a fraud

    PS: Any tips on how to 'escape' the friendzone?
    Thanks Yeah that really sucks because I feel that is the only way you'll be able to get closer/ speak more but if she is year ahead you won't be in any of her classes :cool: Are you still going to try or do you think it might be a bit of a lost cause?



    haha awww thanks :

    Ahhhh the friendzone- the zone in which so may dwell but no one wishes to be :moon:

    hmmm I shall ask some of the other Gurus who have expertise in this area then I will certainly get back to you with some top tips, very soon
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    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    Thanks Yeah that really sucks because I feel that is the only way you'll be able to get closer/ speak more but if she is year ahead you won't be in any of her classes :cool:Are you still going to try or do you think it might be a bit of a lost cause?
    I'm not sure. I totally forgot to mention this bit. She did express some sort of interest when I was just an acquaintance to her (last year). When I sort of became a bit like a friend I did/said a few silly things in front of her which does seemed to have put her off.

    I hardly see her nowadays especially now that I have my own exams to prepare for but I guess I will give it a shot and see how things span out.
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    (Original post by bluemax)
    I'm not sure. I totally forgot to mention this bit. She did express some sort of interest when I was just an acquaintance to her (last year). When I sort of became a bit like a friend I did/said a few silly things in front of her which does seemed to have put her off.

    I hardly see her nowadays especially now that I have my own exams to prepare for but I guess I will give it a shot and see how things span out.

    was that a typo did you mean to say it 'DOESN'T seem to have put her off ?

    Yes definitely focus on your exams but once they are open I don't thin there is anything wrong with giving it a shot.

    This Guru isn't going anywhere- so will always be around to advise if needed!
 
 
 
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