Why do we keep coming back to eachother? could really use some help... Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 9 years ago
#1
My ex and I first met when we were 13 years old. We went out briefly but were very young and it didn't work out. Instead, we became best friends, but I was still hung up on him. When he asked for another chance at 14(lol), I said no because he had dumped me the last time. A month later I started dating my 'first love' who I was with for 3 years after that. But towards the end of that relationship, I realised that I had never really forgotten my ex and that I wasn't going to anytime soon. My ex told me that he was in love with me. But, I decided not to be with my ex because my feelings were all over the place at the time, and decided I couldn't have anything full-blown with him, & wanted to take it slow. Meanwhile he became close friends with another girl...I could see them becoming closer,& in the end it became obvious he liked her. I asked him about it,and he denied it but when they started spending a lot of time together(more than with me) I'd had enough.I told him I had fallen in love with him & I'd thought he'd felt the same way. He was speechless,I walked away, & when I didnt hear from him on my birthday that next day either, I vowed never to speak to him again.

I was doing well, until I met him at a party 5 months later. We talked everything over, and he couldnt stop apologising, but admitted that because I'd chosen my first love over him before, he was terrified I was going to do it again. I believed this to some extent but was still so hurt by everything. But we stayed up all night talking,& eventually decided to give the relationship a real chance.It worked for a while...but while he was so open with me, for the first time I felt closed off, apart from when my uncle died & I felt i could. Everytime he suggested a big family meal out with his family, or the future, or 'i love you', I would freeze on the spot.Eventually he started resenting my obvious distance(+ some of his friends started talking garbage + lies to him). I didn't even know why I felt that way. In the last few weeks of a holiday, I cheated on him, something I swore I'd never do,& something I hated other people doing. It made me realise how truly unhappy i must be, I hated myself for doing it to him and ended it.

Again after this, we hadn't spoken for 4 months. I've not been with anyone since then,apart from a kiss with someone. We met a few nights ago,& he was smoking when I showed up. The next time I saw him he had two different brands of alcohol in each hand,I was horrified(this guy is going to study being a doctor in a few days & reasonably clean-cut),& he couldnt even look at me. I burst into tears, & seeing me, his best friend convinced him to speak to me. He did, and he too burst into tears telling me he was 'so in love' with me etc. Then he was sick...lol. We spent another entire night talking, and he wanted me to tell him how I felt. But the thing is no matter what I feel, I still feel unable to commit and I have no idea why, it's not like I'm out on the pull the time or anything. He told me he knows it sounds crazy but in 5 or 6 years he'll be qualified & able to give me everything I've ever wanted. One thing lead to another...& then we lay together until about 11am(we'd started talking around 11pm).

Now I'm apart from him I miss him desperately, and just feel like curling up in a ball and not coming back out. But I think I've done the right thing in saying we should remain friends & see what happens in the future after uni...if we still want to be together than i guess its meant to be, plus maybe i'll know more what I'm all about by then. Sorry about the length but what do you think?
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