Help please - bf scared to talk. Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 9 years ago
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My long-term partner has suffered a lot over the past year, and no longer has contact with his family, due to his relationship with them turning very nasty. They put him through absolute hell, and he's just moved house to another part of the country to escape from them.
Recently a distant family-member who he hasn't seen since he was a baby contacted him, and said they'd heard he was having problems and could he contact them.

He said he wasn't interested, but I persuaded him to at least reply and tell them he was Ok now. He did, and then got chatting and they told him about the side of his family he hasn't seen for over 10 years. After a few days they said it had been lovely being back in contact with him, and that he should stay in touch.

I'm really happy that he's in contact with some of his family, as it seems a pity to lose them all because his parents mistreated him, and also he only has me now in all the world.
But when I asked if he'd be getting back to them, he said no he didn't want to. I was a bit upset, as I thought he'd been really happy talking to them.
He then admitted that the reason he didn't want to talk to them much was because he's terrified that they will reject him, and turn on him, and be on his parents' side, as a lot of his family did.

I can't blame him for feeling like this: he has had a lot of rejection and lots of very cruel adults actively trying to hurt him over the past year. But I'd hate him to never reach out to people because of this fear. How can I reassure him and help him be brave enough to try and trust people again?
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ma2k5
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Truthfully, maybe you should just let him be - I would hate to be in his situation where someone is constantly nagging me to make contact with someone I don't particularly want to?

Just a thought.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ma2k5)
Truthfully, maybe you should just let him be - I would hate to be in his situation where someone is constantly nagging me to make contact with someone I don't particularly want to?

Just a thought.
Fair point, but the only reason he's reluctant is that he's afraid he'll get close to them and have some family again, but then they'll turn on him. If he keeps thinking this forever, he's never going to have any family or friends again.
He wants to be in contact, but he's scared, so surely if he just gets over his fear then he'll be fine?
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Anonymous #1
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bump!
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infernalcradle
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well, if he doesn't know them, do you think that they might come to him, to show their support for him

or get them to pretend to be other people and to have them "accedentally" meet up???
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by infernalcradle)
well, if he doesn't know them, do you think that they might come to him, to show their support for him

or get them to pretend to be other people and to have them "accedentally" meet up???
he moved very far away from where his family all live, so tis not an option at the moment unfortunately.

I wondered whether maybe I should talk to them if they get in contact/contact them, and explain what happened and why he moved away, sort of smooth the way for him a bit, make sure they realize what he's been through. ?
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infernalcradle
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(Original post by Anonymous)
he moved very far away from where his family all live, so tis not an option at the moment unfortunately.

I wondered whether maybe I should talk to them if they get in contact/contact them, and explain what happened and why he moved away, sort of smooth the way for him a bit, make sure they realize what he's been through. ?
I think that is probbably the best thing to do as if they deciede to come back together it should be their desicion and not something you are forcing, I think that a helping hand from you is proabbably the best thing to do though as it will allow them to understand the circumstances and will allow them to empathise with him and make way for reconcilliation
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IQ Test
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I think maybe this is a personal thing for him, and if he has demons then even more so. If you just pressure him into something he deosnt want to do then he may trust you less, so mind your step, but make it clear that youre there to support him as he (should be) for you! But basically, I'd let him decide a cause of action, then you assist him should he need it.
Remember, help thats not asked for is a hindrance.
Good luck though, I hope things look up!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by IQ Test)
I think maybe this is a personal thing for him, and if he has demons then even more so. If you just pressure him into something he deosnt want to do then he may trust you less, so mind your step, but make it clear that youre there to support him as he (should be) for you! But basically, I'd let him decide a cause of action, then you assist him should he need it.
Remember, help thats not asked for is a hindrance.
Good luck though, I hope things look up!
i keep thinking that if you know somethings gonna be good for someone in the long run, even if they don't realize it themselves yet, then surely that justifies going behind their back a bit, to make sure their life will be easier in the future?
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Hubert Poo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My long-term partner has suffered a lot over the past year, and no longer has contact with his family, due to his relationship with them turning very nasty. They put him through absolute hell, and he's just moved house to another part of the country to escape from them.
Recently a distant family-member who he hasn't seen since he was a baby contacted him, and said they'd heard he was having problems and could he contact them.

He said he wasn't interested, but I persuaded him to at least reply and tell them he was Ok now. He did, and then got chatting and they told him about the side of his family he hasn't seen for over 10 years. After a few days they said it had been lovely being back in contact with him, and that he should stay in touch.

I'm really happy that he's in contact with some of his family, as it seems a pity to lose them all because his parents mistreated him, and also he only has me now in all the world.
But when I asked if he'd be getting back to them, he said no he didn't want to. I was a bit upset, as I thought he'd been really happy talking to them.
He then admitted that the reason he didn't want to talk to them much was because he's terrified that they will reject him, and turn on him, and be on his parents' side, as a lot of his family did.

I can't blame him for feeling like this: he has had a lot of rejection and lots of very cruel adults actively trying to hurt him over the past year. But I'd hate him to never reach out to people because of this fear. How can I reassure him and help him be brave enough to try and trust people again?
You know, I think in the most important way, although it may sound at first a little abstract, you may be able to answer your own question.

From that post it is clear you care very deeply for him and feel the things he does with relative ease. That kind of emotional connection and stability will in itself be a source of trust for him.

Sometimes people can be so badly hurt that there are no hard and fast methods of actively helping them to recover except to be there when they feel the need to move to you. As such, I think you are likely doing all you realistic can, simply by loving him as deeply as this. It's special. It's also usually enough.

Trusting people after such a dreadful kind of rejection is not easy, nor is it quick. The only antidote is holding on together for dear life and by doing just that demonstrating you trust him with all you are, have been, and wish to be. In time, slowly, that will enable him to regain more confidence as to what trust means more generally. But right now he needs to quietly heal, one suspects . . . and you're helping merely by being you for him.

Recognise that, accept it will be a struggle, but also realise you will overcome it - together.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by infernalcradle)
I think that is probbably the best thing to do as if they deciede to come back together it should be their desicion and not something you are forcing, I think that a helping hand from you is proabbably the best thing to do though as it will allow them to understand the circumstances and will allow them to empathise with him and make way for reconcilliation
i'm just worried they won't believe it if it comes from me?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Hubert Poo)
You know, I think in the most important way, although it may sound at first a little abstract, you may be able to answer your own question.

From that post it is clear you care very deeply for him and feel the things he does with relative ease. That kind of emotional connection and stability will in itself be a source of trust for him.

Sometimes people can be so badly hurt that there are no hard and fast methods of actively helping them to recover except to be there when they feel the need to move to you. As such, I think you are likely doing all you realistic can, simply by loving him as deeply as this. It's special. It's also usually enough.

Trusting people after such a dreadful kind of rejection is not easy, nor is it quick. The only antidote is holding on together for dear life and by doing just that demonstrating you trust him with all you are, have been, and wish to be. In time, slowly, that will enable him to regain more confidence as to what trust means more generally. But right now he needs to quietly heal, one suspects . . . and you're helping merely by being you for him.

Recognise that, accept it will be a struggle, but also realise you will overcome it - together.
thanks, that's really insightful and has helped a lot.

i think that he's blocking out any feelings of sadness he has regarding losing his family, as he's been hurt so much, i think there's only so much one person can take.
That worries me, as i'm scared even he doesn't know how he really feels, and i'd hate for him to realize a few years down the line that he wants to have a relationship with some of his family, but it's too late.
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IQ Test
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i keep thinking that if you know somethings gonna be good for someone in the long run, even if they don't realize it themselves yet, then surely that justifies going behind their back a bit, to make sure their life will be easier in the future?
I see your reasoning, but I dont agree, as no one knows them better than they do. Until they make a decision, I think you should just support them whatever they choose to do, as it is their problem when push comes to shove.
Its good to know that your hearts in the right place though! Id just let them decide on a cause of action, thats all.
But hey, Im just some 14 year old from TSR, you know him better than anyone from what youve said, you do what you think is right!
=)
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