What the hell is wrong with me? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 9 years ago
#1
Right okay, i know there's anxiety & shyness worng with me but i didn't mean it like that :p:
I shall tell you the story, infact i'm not sure if i've posted it in here before :confused: but i will again anyways.
Basically i have anxiety and i am very quiet. I just finished school this year and started at college..but i'm not enjoying college at all. Partly because the classes are way too big for me to cope with (exactly like school 30 in each class) i know i could work better as in smaller classes i could take part and speak loudly, groups are one of the situations i can't do..yet..i mean, i am making progress with my anxiety but since college started i think it's just got worse again.
At school i had no friends, was bullied etc, but i didn't really care and i was just myself and for most of it went to get the work done and came home etc. But standing alone every day got too hard as nobody there (honestly nobody) would accept me. Most tried a few times but then gave up as i couldn't actually talk to them. I couldn't talk to them as i was too scared, lacked confidence, had very bad posture, was basically laughed at every day. They probably thought i was a freak (like i am lol) and the people i'd randomly hung about with in school ditched my to my face and one on the phone cos i was too quiet..they even said that! well basically.


But i did think college would be different..better. But it's not ):
I just feel really scared of..people. And i mostly feel anxiuos and hardly ever feel calm.

I've been skiving already and i know it's wrong! but i sometimes just can't go out there every day. I know i could do them from home, but in that environment i can't, also it reminds me of bullying in school..bla bla bla etc etc more probably what you would think is excuses. It's not.!
I want my highers so much, i need them! i defo want to apply for uni, but i can't if i can't go into college..and a home course isnt an option because they don't offer english or history, which i really enjoy!. gah.
It's not even a year but i cant cope. i know uni will be better
as would maybe be more lectures and less groupwork, and less chavs who intimidate me, more people like me maybe, who all want the same thing..since we would be on the same course. college just isn't that.


sorry this is long, i could go on forever:rolleyes: but generally i duno what to do cos i'm really not coping with basic things. i can't tell as college just think it's shyness/the way i am/the fact it's my 1st time at college. They will be assuming i'll just grow out of it ):

In my class in college i was made to read out a paragraph the other week. I was proud that i managed to do it, yet the next lesson mr x comes in with the 'oh you're there, i didn't see you cos you're so quiet' lark. :rolleyes: Em well..i know you're hinting that i should talk more, but fact is i bloody can't.
and btw i honestly can't believe he didn't see me! he probably just wanted to say that, as he looks at me as if he wants me to speak and i know he does want me to, but meh! i just can't as i'm mostly mute.
it's not something i've got much control over really.

To be honest that was a really big achievement for me as i wouldnt have been forced to do it much if at all in school..that i remember, yet he just acted like it was nothing (cos it's not to ordinary people) but for me, hell!

So yeah. Every day it's been hard for me to go as the simplest things are hard for me with the anxiety. Ie..getting on the bus (asking for my fare), getting on the train..using the ticket machine and feelin anxiuos while people are waiting behind me, thinking that they are staring at me and i feel i've got to move quick! sitting on the bus/train and finding a seat where nobody can look at me, cos i know i look depressed and i don't want people to look at me oddly. Having to sit and check my texts also cos of that reason..and not being able to make eye contact with the ticket guy/bus driver. :rolleyes:
Not having the confidence to get off first. Well, not liking to anyway.
Walking along the road with my head down cos i'm scared of peple looking at me/not wanting them to look at me/not wnating them to shout abuse at me if they see my face. I believe most just abuse me cos they see i'm shy and think they can!*

Just duno what to do, sick of letting myself down all the time! it's not like i can't physically, it's like the anxiety is stopping me.

*Today when i was walking down a field out from the park, a few about 12 year old boys in a group shouted 'Loner, loner, you're alone'
'norman no pals' etc :rolleyes: em, why does it matter if i am or not? school age kids usually have it their heads that being a loner is bad! and they are right, they were all in my opinion lucky they weren't me :rolleyes: were'nt they told it's nt actually nice to speak to people like that? "/ i felt so bad! it really put the icing on the cake. ):

It's a really big problem to me and i don't know what to do about it.
Meh!
Not wanting to give up on college thou honestly, but sooner or later i'll priobably get thrown out if i can't make it in ):
gosh help me!
xx
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