How can I help?

My best friend is having a really tough time at the moment, and as much as I want to help and have tried my best, I don't know what I can do, especially since I've never been in a similar enough situation. He broke up with his ex-girlfriend at the end of March, but he was deeply in love with her. They have been in contact frequently, and he's been upset by her frequently - especially as she has a new boyfriend and, being a bit dozy, slips things into conversation that make it clear they've had sex, or links him to pictures of her pulling someone else by accident. He's started seeing someone else, but that's complicated too as, for a long time, our friend was in love with her. It's all panned out okay, but he feels guilty. He's also worried about his exams as he was rejected by Cambridge and is reapplying, so needs good grades (he's very intelligent, got great GCSEs but didn't work last year).

He can't really talk to anyone as his support base has disintegrated. His ex will just make it worse, he can't discuss his ex with his new girlfriend, he can't discuss it with the friend that was in love with her as things are still a bit strained. Even his other close friend, who he once counseled off a ledge and who he stood by when he was in turmoil about coming out to his parents (he's bi) has abandoned him, telling him he couldn't get bogged down in his "****ed up little life". There's just me.

I just don't know how I can help. He won't come to me, as that makes him feel weak or impotent, and so I always have to go to him. I can't make him feel better about himself, but he's a really great guy. I've told him so, but he can't even listen to that. I've never been in this situation, so I can't give advice, and I just end up babbling and trying to help. I don't know if it's helped, but I texted the friend who abandoned him tonight, giving him an earful (eyeful?) for the way he has behaved, and i texted his ex to ask her to give him some space.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you get through it? I really want to help, I feel weak that I can't do anything, especially as he's helped me in the past when I've had problems.

Reply 1

~Raphael~

9

Firstly, what you're doing is right - letting him know that you're with him and are willing to help. He knows that he can come to you. Have you actually told him that he doesn't seem to be coping etc and that he needs to try and sort it out so he can be happy again as opposed to just ignoring stuff? Maybe try to get him to focus on his exams and uni application - afterall it's very important - and that might help him accept things a little more after some distance...If you doubt he can do that, maybe he needs a proper talking to - tell him to sort his feelings out, make a decision, act on it, then move on...For the current situation seems unacceptable.

Reply 2

jd27

OP

~Raphael~

Firstly, what you're doing is right - letting him know that you're with him and are willing to help. He knows that he can come to you. Have you actually told him that he doesn't seem to be coping etc and that he needs to try and sort it out so he can be happy again as opposed to just ignoring stuff? Maybe try to get him to focus on his exams and uni application - afterall it's very important - and that might help him accept things a little more after some distance...If you doubt he can do that, maybe he needs a proper talking to - tell him to sort his feelings out, make a decision, act on it, then move on...For the current situation seems unacceptable.

Thing is he's been working incredibly hard, but mainly because when he doesn't he thinks about his ex. He's focusing on the work at the moment, but everything's piling up. He's not ignoring stuff, but there's so much he's having to worry about that I think it's hard for him to start on it all at once - he just wants to be happy but can't see how to bring that about.

Reply 3

~Raphael~

9

Well then he needs to think about what will make him happy..Try for it..If it doesn't work, he needs to accept it and find something else to make him happy :frown:

Reply 4

~Raphael~

9

i.e. if what he wants isn't going to happen...that will make him sad..for a while..but if he just obsesses over that he will be very unhappy...whereas if he accepts it and at least TRIES to find happiness elsewhere, he will be a little more happy...if you see what I mean? Has worked for my friends...

Reply 5

dave

You say that he's your "best friend"? Ok - is that reciprocated - i.e. does he regard you as HIS "best friend"? I was a little disturbed to read that he regards is as weak and impotent to come to you for help and support - I don't subscibe to that attitude. I really feel that you have to be a little more forceful and give your friend a "wake-up call" - inasmuch as shutting you out is neither a sensible solution - neither is it FAIR on YOU. There must be a reason why his other close friend has "closed the door" - you said you texted him - maybe you should try to find the real reason?
Be a little HARD with him - I know you probably won't find it easy - but your friend needs to know that wallowing in self-pity is going to cost him dearly.
I wish you all possible luck.

Reply 6

jd27

OP

bodhisattva

You say that he's your "best friend"? Ok - is that reciprocated - i.e. does he regard you as HIS "best friend"? I was a little disturbed to read that he regards is as weak and impotent to come to you for help and support - I don't subscibe to that attitude. I really feel that you have to be a little more forceful and give your friend a "wake-up call" - inasmuch as shutting you out is neither a sensible solution - neither is it FAIR on YOU. There must be a reason why his other close friend has "closed the door" - you said you texted him - maybe you should try to find the real reason?
Be a little HARD with him - I know you probably won't find it easy - but your friend needs to know that wallowing in self-pity is going to cost him dearly.
I wish you all possible luck.

I'm not entirely sure whether it matters if I'm his 'best friend' or he is mine. One of my best friends is more accurate, but we're very close. It's not that he's shutting me out, because we're on study leave I see him maybe once or twice a week and call him a few more times, but he won't call me if he has a problem. The times when I've been able to help have come about by chance, but even then I just end up babbling uselessly.
The other friend has closed the door because he's a self-obsessed ******. My feelings for the guy aside, he spent a year relying on my friend, another year, obsessing about some 13 year old he wanted to screw to him and a night on a balcony on a trip being talked out of killing himself. My friend, on the other hand, broke up with his girlfriend 3 months ago, and has been having a tough time getting over it. The reason he's 'closed the door' is because he's a dick.
If I'm the only person who he feels he can talk to at the moment, I'm not going to throw that in his face. I'm trying to help where I can - we're both not drinking for a while - but it's not in my nature to be hard, like you say.

Reply 7

Va Va Voom

1

jd27

If I'm the only person who he feels he can talk to at the moment, I'm not going to throw that in his face. I'm trying to help where I can - we're both not drinking for a while - but it's not in my nature to be hard, like you say.

that's all you can do really.. just be there for him if he needs you. like previous posters have said, he needs to work this through on his on..he's hardly a little boy. he will get over it eventually :smile:

Reply 8

saz_1989

2

ok, this is harsh, but lots of people go through breakups (marriage breakups, not just relationships) and they get through it. lots of people get rejected from cambridge and they get through it. lots of people have to work really hard and they manage.

tell his ex to piss off and give that so called friend of his a good slap.

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