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    tl; dr :pierre:

    use some paragraphs! :pierre:

    I'm no expert, but for one reason or another I'm happy to read this and give you a few pointers. This is just my own opinion (and will nicely make anything I ever decide to post here look like **** for my throwing stones), so don't take it to heart - but I think although you show promise, in case you were thinking of padding this out to a full-scale story this particular piece is a write-off. (See what I did there?)

    Bullets, ahoy:

    - The main issue is the overuse of adjectives. "It was an ordinary day; the shaded silhouettes of the frolicking insects in the midday sun created a magnificent stage show." Despite the fact that "a magnificent stage show" of insects wouldn't seem to me an ordinary day at all, the sentence becomes very jarring. So do many of the others.
    - You need a better sense of character and plot. I've just read a whole set of paragraphs of your story, and all I have the impression of is someone who is superstitious ("evil-filled clouds" etc), a moaner, with erratic emotions which switch instantly from "mesmerised" to hopeless and back again. So you're stuck in a cell for 40 years? I, the reader, don't really care. As nice as first-person is, I think writing in third would be more appropriate.
    - Too much happens in a too short space of time. No sense of pace, etc.
    - It's just... meh.

    Anyway, nice try. The moral of this is that you should scrunch your piece up, lean backwards and try to land it in your wastepaper basket. But practise will definately help you improve; get a fresh slate, take a deep breath and try again.

    i dont know, it started off allright, but by the end of it, i lost interest....i think you are way too descriptive. I dont think it is absymal tbh, but it is somewhat confusing as at one point you say "it was all in slow motion" and then next minute you are saying "everything was rushing at a 100 miles an hour".
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Updated: October 12, 2009

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