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Why does this make me feel so bad? watch

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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    I bet he never told you he found them more aesthetically pleasing though!??
    He is always telling me about other girls who he thinks are fit. The one that annoyed me most was when he told me there was this girl at the gym he thought was fit, i asked if she was thinner than me and he said well if we stretched you out a bit you could be as thin as her. Lovely.
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    You know it's 2005 when everyone says "It's just porn!!"


    And no, I don't mean that in a comical way.
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    What charmers we ladies have!!

    Honestly though, if he said 'Angelina Jolie/Jessica Alba/Jennifer Lopez is more attractive than you', I'd say 'damn right she is!!' But Pamela chewed-up-toffee dogface Anderson? I don't think so!!
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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    I bet he never told you he found them more aesthetically pleasing though!??
    ARRRRR that's awful and that's another matter than looking at porn! Does he know about your ED and your lack of confidence? If so shame on him! If not that's still a horrible thing to say to your gf!!!!!!

    (Original post by Ant93)
    He is always telling me about other girls who he thinks are fit. The one that annoyed me most was when he told me there was this girl at the gym he thought was fit, i asked if she was thinner than me and he said well if we stretched you out a bit you could be as thin as her. Lovely.
    Hmmm do you mind when he tells you about the other girls? If you do, maybe you haven't expressed it enough?
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    I'm not taking his side here as I can understand the shock it must have been to you. Is it possible, though, that the reason he lied to you was that he was EMBARRASSED? And, speaking as a guy, we DO have the most odd ways of attempting to cover embarrassment.

    You have every right to feel hurt - but maybe you've over-reacted just a tad. Talk to him - not in anger, but inquiringly if you can. Don't make him feel "dirty" - if you do, there's a good chance that whatever you had between you will disappear without trace. Good luck.

    PS.Pamela Anderson...............??? Why he said that to you is the one thing that puzzles me. Was the comment meant playfully? Even if it was, it wasn't in good taste.
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    (Original post by bodhisattva)
    PS.Pamela Anderson...............??? Why he said that to you is the one thing that puzzles me. Was the comment meant playfully? Even if it was, it wasn't in good taste.
    Oh no - he actually meant that! :eek: :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    Oh no - he actually meant that! :eek: :rolleyes:
    Ok - what's your read on what I said about the embarrasment factor?
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    (Original post by bodhisattva)
    Ok - what's your read on what I said about the embarrasment factor?
    Yeah, I can see your point. I think he should be ashamed though, for making his girlfriend feel utterly unattractive and unsexy while he's w***ing over vile-looking sl*gs! I didn't have a problem with porn - although I thought it was kind of sad - until I met him!!
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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    Yeah, I can see your point. I think he should be ashamed though, for making his girlfriend feel utterly unattractive and unsexy while he's w***ing over vile-looking sl*gs! I didn't have a problem with porn - although I thought it was kind of sad - until I met him!!
    Now it's my turn to see YOUR point. To consciously make you feel like that under those circumstances is inexcusable. Forgive the cheesy line, but maybe you deserve better.
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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    Thank you everyone for your replies...

    I think the reason I'm so upset is because he was actually quite horrible to me at the start of our relationship. My self esteem was really low and I was still recovering from an eating disorder so I wasn't very body confident (but you wouldn't really know this from the way I dressed, I hardly wore tents and I always made an effort)- and he told me that he didn't find me as 'aesthetically pleasing' as other women (using Pamela f***ing Anderson as the example). That was a while ago, and we have kind of sorted all that now, but then I see he's been looking at porn, so surely these women are what he does find 'aesthetically pleasing' yet they are complete MINGERS!! I just feel like hitting him for making me feel like rough ****s are more attractive than me.
    Your boyfriend really sounds like an absolute ********. I'd get rid of him straight away if I were in your position.
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    If i was you i owuld be upset too. I would ask him not to use the porn, and if i was away a lot (which it sound slike you are) i would make films and take photos of myself to keep him entertained, then the only person turning him on is you. Could be quite fun, you could make them together. However, if you are a bit body conscious i can understand you not wanting to do this. Have a frank talk about why it upsets you. Even if he thinks it's silly that it upsets you he should stop it. I'vw put a few 'unreasonable' demands on my boyfriend, but if their actions upset you and they love you they shouldn't do it. xx
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    (Original post by SophistiCat)
    What charmers we ladies have!!

    Honestly though, if he said 'Angelina Jolie/Jessica Alba/Jennifer Lopez is more attractive than you', I'd say 'damn right she is!!' But Pamela chewed-up-toffee dogface Anderson? I don't think so!!
    I'm sorry but is your boyfriend blind. from your picture (if that is you) you are so much prettier that she has ever been and probably ever will be. I will never understand men so i have stopped trying.
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    I can understand how you feel. Obviously it's gonna be upsetting to realise:

    a) Your boyfriend has lied to you, and
    b) He looks at ugly bints to get off...

    But you shouldn't feel threatened by porn. It's a natural thing, masturbation. Of course he prefers you to them, but as he says, when your not there, he probably does get a bit horny and agitated. You should feel sorry for him, poor mite, when you ain't there he's resorted to these horrible ugly dudettes! You see what he resorts too, as opposed to cheating? Seriously don't punish him for the porn, you must get it out of your head, it's no biggie.

    Although, I can see why it'd be a shock. Look at it this way though, he probably thought you'd never find out, and if you hadn't, no-one would be hurt. Obviously, if he's cheating and trying to hide it from you that's a big one, and he'd be hiding it from you for specific reasons. But think of it, like porn is one of the best things he could lie to you about. He probably feels embarrased, as he should do, judging by your reaction! I mean, it is a bit sordid, he probably feels a bit ashamed, and thus didn't tell you. He's not cheating, he probably saw his deceit as harmless.

    You've done nothing wrong, but neither has he. He's told a little white lie, over something that is rife in relationships. ALL men ****, and a majority of porn. It's the most common relationship 'lie'. You'll get over this, don't worry. And don't punish your fella; he sounds like alright (aside from his beginning). Good Luck.
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    FOXO SHUT UP.

    If a guy is an ******** because he looks at porn then most men are ********s! And here I thought being abusive and sleeping around made an ********. Really, deal with it. Is he going out with a girl from a magazine? No he's going out with you. Be happy FFS
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    (Original post by -TMG-)
    FOXO SHUT UP.

    If a guy is an ******** because he looks at porn then most men are ********s! And here I thought being abusive and sleeping around made an ********. Really, deal with it. Is he going out with a girl from a magazine? No he's going out with you. Be happy FFS
    He's not an ******** for looking at porn. He's an ******** for treating his girlfriend like sh*t.
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    One point that seems to keep coming up is the "why does he need to look at/fantasise about other women - that should be his gf's job". Whilst that is an admirable commitment, until you accept that at some stage or another EVERY man will fantasise about someone else - we're programmed that way - and most will look at porn, your relationships will be fraught, if not doomed. You will not be able to change him, and it will only make you unhappy.

    Also, to Ant93, I think you're emphasising the wrong issue here. Men don't choose who go into magazines, and probably don't look at them before they buy them. Likewise, they don't choose what women are in videos - they probably see a title and download it. And yes, a lot of the women munt. But what's going on in these videos is - and here's the naughty little secret - degrading to the women, and that's why we like it. Everyone needs their release - look at the businessmen who end up at dominatrices because they have to much pressure to make decisions at work. Men do know deep down that porn is exploitation, I'm sure, but that's part of the thrill is in that. The same is true of fantasy. You should be glad he keeps that part of his mind separate from you.

    However, the fact that he makes you feel bad about yourself IS a problem, completely separate from this. Forget about the porn - it's meaningless and doesn't matter - and just try and sort out this element. If he's treating you badly, then that is a reason to question the strength of your relationship.
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    (Original post by -TMG-)
    You girls are so immature (the ones who have a problem with porn). Breaking up with someone because he looks at porn? That just looks like you aren't happy with yourself and feel threatened by a girl on a piece of paper...grow up. Would I dump a girlfriend if she said David Beckham was fit or if she watched porn? No I wouldn't.
    I think you should grow up. The girl has every right to ask for her boyfriend's complete devotion - to be enjoying porn is basically lusting after another women and as far as I'm concerned that is unacceptable. In any case I don't believe porn to be good or healthy. Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, saying an actor is fit is also fine - but looking at porn is just sick.
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    (Original post by irisng)
    I think you should grow up. The girl has every right to ask for her boyfriend's complete devotion - to be enjoying porn is basically lusting after another women and as far as I'm concerned that is unacceptable. In any case I don't believe porn to be good or healthy. Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, saying an actor is fit is also fine - but looking at porn is just sick.
    Good luck with that. Sorry, but there has to be a degree of realism in every relationship. The more of a problem you make out of porn the more of a strain it will put on your relationship. It's the ones who don't look at porn you should worry about - where will they turn after a dry spell?

    I should point out that I don't look at porn often, it bores me. But even if I was a big porn watcher, it's not unnatural and indeed it's normal. It has nothing to do with any relationship I'm in - who says that if I'm with someone I'm not allowed to get off on other women? That would be the same as a bf saying you're never allowed to flirt with a man, ever. It's fun, actually necessary for guys (especially if you want a good nights sleep), and it doesn't degrade your girlfriend, which is what you're advocating but most men would refuse to do.

    I'm afraid it is you who must grow up and lose a little of your idealism.
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    (Original post by amie)
    If my boyfriend said that to me, I would actually slap him. Slap him hard!

    Mine does say that he finds his female friends at uni 'fitter' than me though, because according to him I need to lose weight. What a charmer :rolleyes:
    that's ridculous he shouldn't say such things, that is not fair on you at all, find something to criticise hima bout!
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    (Original post by jd27)
    Good luck with that. Sorry, but there has to be a degree of realism in every relationship. The more of a problem you make out of porn the more of a strain it will put on your relationship. It's the ones who don't look at porn you should worry about - where will they turn after a dry spell?

    I should point out that I don't look at porn often, it bores me. But even if I was a big porn watcher, it's not unnatural and indeed it's normal. It has nothing to do with any relationship I'm in - who says that if I'm with someone I'm not allowed to get off on other women? That would be the same as a bf saying you're never allowed to flirt with a man, ever. It's fun, actually necessary for guys (especially if you want a good nights sleep), and it doesn't degrade your girlfriend, which is what you're advocating but most men would refuse to do.

    I'm afraid it is you who must grow up and lose a little of your idealism.
    If you're in a relationship then you made a commitment - I'd say both sides are entitled to require faithfulness from the other.

    Innocent flirting don't usually lead to much - it's when you're deliberately flirting with someone AND you're involved with someone else already that's when the worry starts. And buying porn/looking at it from online etc is rather deliberate don't you think?

    Well whoever I end up with would hopefully have the same values as me and wouldn't degrade himself to porn, so hopefully I won't have this problem. I don't agree with porn, I don't believe in lust - and idealism or not, don't you want faithfulness in your relationship? Does it actually make you feel good at your girlfriend may be drooling over other men, then come back and say I'm devoted to you - then go out and fantasise say having sex with some other guy? I can't possibly trust someone who is like that and without trust, there is no relationship. If the guy has a problem, feels bored etc - he should talk. I'm all for bluntness - and we'll make compromises on both our own agreed terms. But lusting after another woman - a dozen other women - is not acceptable. A woman lusting after another man while saying she's committed to a relationship is also as much of a hyporcrite and is equally unacceptable.
 
 
 
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