The Student Room Group

My parents ruined my life.

I'm 21, female, I have no qualifications, no confidence in my self, no friends, no relationships... All because of my parents.

Before you all flame me or tell me to "make my own fate", hear me out..

It started at a young age, I was 7 or 8 and I wanted to read books all the time. 2 of my best friends in school loved books and these girls were little miss popular/teachers pets at primary so i too wanted to be like them. My parents pretty much found it amusing and never helped me in that department. The only time they'd help me was with homework and all they did was give me the answers so that i'd be out of their way.

As I got older (10/11yrs) I started to feel inferior to other kids, they all seemed so clever and "got" things much quicker than me, this resulted in low confidence and fear of being called out by the teacher.

Because of this fear of looking stupid, i used to avoid school. My parents let me, they said "stay off if you want but if school call us we'll just say you did it behind our back"... :rolleyes:

I then started missing days.. then it started going for weeks. My mum and dad let me lay around the house, they didnt care. they said that i wont be missing out on much. This went on for 4 weeks in a row before the school started coming to the house. I was then forced back into school, which was awful. All my friends had moved on, i was by myself and more anxious than ever. I hated it and tried to avoid as much as i could.

The more i avoided, the worse my anxiety got and by 13 I had a full blown anxiety disorder, I'd work myself up to the point of passing out or injuring myself just so i wouldnt have to go outside.

I hated school because I felt so stupid. I was so far behind the other kids, I would sit there and the words would just go in then out again, nothing would sink in, i was constantly on edge. I missed so much of my education from age 10 to 13 and at the time it felt like a huge gap.

Skip to age 14/15, i hardly went in. I stayed off so much that they removed me from my school and sent me to a "special" school, mainly for violent kids, or kids with learning difficulties. This killed me, I couldn't bare to be there. It lasted a week.

By 15, i'd pretty much left school. I didn't sit my GCSE's or even my mock exams.

At 16 I couldn't leave the house, my anxiety had now formed itself with depression. I had no friends, my parents never encouraged education, i left school with nothing.

This went on from 16 until now. I have nothing to show for my life. I wanted to learn from a young age but my parents always put me down and allowed me to neglect my education.

I'm 21 now. I have no friends, no job etc. I am attending an access course which is something i guess. The thing is, I suffer greatly from anxiety and depression, I'm incredibly ashamed by my lack of qualifications to the point ive lied about having gcses. I just can't bare to be looked down on as if i'm stupid. :frown:

I think i just needed to get that out, i feel as if my parents are to blame. I wish they would have just had more control and sent me to school as a child rather than allowing me to stay off. Any kid would choose not to go if given the chance.

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You can't change the past. All you can do is take control of the life you are living now. Get help for your anxiety/depression if you're not already, and have some confidence in yourself - so you have no qualifications now, big deal, you're doing an access course so you're on your way. That IS something. Go for it and don't let your issues drag you down for another 21 years, if you do that you will have no-one to blame but yourself.

Have a little faith in yourself!
Reply 2
Can't really just blame your parents now, can you? :curious:
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

-Larkin
Yes, I think that is bad parenting, children need guidance because at a young age, we just didn't know what was good for us (most kids would choose playtime over education). But at the same time, you are placing all the blame on your parents when essentially you are partly at fault too (you made the decisions, although granted they shouldn't have let you make them).

At 21 it's not too late at all! You can still do GCSEs, A-Levels and go on to do whatever you want. You say you're on an access course, in which case obviously you're learning! If you feel too pressured and intimidated by other people in academia, how about an apprenticeship in a vocational career? This way, you can learn and earn at the same time and get your life sorted!

The main problem seems to be your anxiety right now, which needs to be addressed. You need to believe things can change, and only you can change them. I'm sure there are places you can go to or call which will help you find out what to do with your future - the government's always wanting people to learn skills (think the skills for life advert :smile: ). I really don't think your life is ruined, but it will take time, dedication and determination for you to get out of the rut you're in now. Good luck!
Reply 5
Id like to feel sympathy for you....But all i feel at the moment is that you just want someone to blame.
I agree you should have been encouraged to continue with your education, But if you can't summon the motivation to start working yourself than you cant really blame anyone.

life does not finish at 21, you can still lead a happy life, just dont let you kids make the same mistake in the future
You need to talk to your doctor...get a referral for counselling \nd treatment for your depression and anxiety disorder!
Reply 7
You need to see someone for your anxiety/depression. Have you seen a doctor about it?

Whats done is done, there's still TONNES of life ahead of you!!! Doesnt seem that way at this age but seriously, life is only just beginning when you hit 20. Also, early 20s are easily the most confusing part of your life (more so than teen years I've found) so don't feel like you're the only one in a slightly messy situation.

:smile::smile:
Reply 8
Also, don't get into a mindset for 'my parents ruined my life'.

They didnt.

But neither did you.

It seems like your anxiety problems are quite deep rooted and even if your parents were really supportive, these issues would probably still have worked their way out eventually. You could just as easily have ended up as someone with a load of qualifications, but too scared to leave the house and go get a job.

You don't know what life is going to serve you up, and everything is so interlinked. There is no point looking at the past and thinking if one factor was different, everything would be fine right now.
Your parents have not ruined your life, I often find people with depressiona nd anxiety problems make sweeping generalisations which make their situation seem much more difficult. You're 21. Your upbringing has left a difficult legacy and of course it will affect you deeply, but from here on in its about what you want, and what you are going to do, without anybody elses influence. You cant blame them for not forcing you to go to school, parenting is not easy when your child is clearly unhappy. My suggestions from here onwards are 1. Go to the gp and make clear what affect this is having on your life, they will probably suggest counselling, which you need to take, and perhaps medication, which I think you would benefit from. 2. Continue with your access course, really put your all into it, and forge a life for yourself. Every area of your life that you arent happy with or that you find difficult, break it down and work out the reasons why, and then change things so they work better. This is all about attitude, and although I understand how overpowering depression and anxiety are, determination to be who you want doing what you want can be stonger.
You need to deal with your anxiety disorder. That is something ultimately YOU have to seek help for. Your parents guide you as a youngster, for better or worse, but you're an adult now. Taking the easy route - skipping school, avoiding problems - didn't help you then and it isn't going to help you now. It's a harder road to find a solution, but it's not an automatic dead-end. Keep plugging away, and things do get better.
Reply 11
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.


If you were male, I'd come up and marry you for posting that poem :coma:

OP, you can't change the past so stop worrying about it :smile:. You're doing an access course so your on your way to getting some qualifications. I know people that have none and they're not ashamed :smile: Chin up, your only 21 :thumbsup:

Your anxiety seems to be the root of it all. Have you seen a Doctor?
Reply 12
do you have a job?
can you drive?

First go to the doctor and expain how you feel, you might need medication.
yesioo
If you were male, I'd come up and marry you for posting that poem :coma:



Civil Partnership? :wink: Lol, OJ. xx
Why not sign up to do some charity work in Africa or something? Working with people over there would give you a huge sense of achievement, and it would do wonders for your depression. Seriously look into it.
there's no use in blaming your parents. you're 21. damn it grow up and get over it. what will ruin you more is to keep on wallowing in your own self pity and feeling complaisant. this is how i got over my depression: just think that you've already hit rock bottom. so what? you can only go upwards at this point.
Reply 16
yesioo
If you were male, I'd come up and marry you for posting that poem :coma:

OP, you can't change the past so stop worrying about it :smile:. You're doing an access course so your on your way to getting some qualifications. I know people that have none and they're not ashamed :smile: Chin up, your only 21 :thumbsup:

Your anxiety seems to be the root of it all. Have you seen a Doctor?


This one is oddly pertinent too:


Strange to know nothing, never to be sure
Of what is true or right or real,
But forced to qualify or so I feel,
Or Well, it does seem so:
Someone must know.

Strange to be ignorant of the way things work:
Their skill at finding what they need,
Their sense of shape, and punctual spread of seed,
And willingness to change;
Yes, it is strange,

Even to wear such knowledge - for our flesh
Surrounds us with its own decisions -
And yet spend all our life on imprecisions,
That when we start to die
Have no idea why.
You're doing an Access course which is education so what's the problem there? More than I'm doing anyway and I'm the same age as you. I also have some probs with anxiety, depression etc. and this morning had a huge rant at my mum for ruining my life by being too NICE to me when I was little. You honestly can't win, I think whatever you do as a parent you get blamed! I do know what you mean though as I was also allowed off school (but I did get my GCSEs)/to withdraw socially without any 'intervention' from my parents (my mum actually used to ring up school and say I was ill cos she felt sorry for me when I refused to get out of bed) and it's like, What were you thinking? Why didn't you nip this in the bud? Your parents didn't ruin your life... impossible anyway as your life isn't ruined! If you had such probs at school and say you still suffer now you probably already do, but if not as others have said definitely seek medical help. Good luck.
Oh please, get on with your life and stop blaming your parents.
Reply 19
Civil Partnership? Lol, OJ. xx


:sexface:

This one is oddly pertinent too:


Strange to know nothing, never to be sure
Of what is true or right or real,
But forced to qualify or so I feel,
Or Well, it does seem so:
Someone must know.

Strange to be ignorant of the way things work:
Their skill at finding what they need,
Their sense of shape, and punctual spread of seed,
And willingness to change;
Yes, it is strange,

Even to wear such knowledge - for our flesh
Surrounds us with its own decisions -
And yet spend all our life on imprecisions,
That when we start to die
Have no idea why.


I know you want to marry me dsch but blinkbelle has already claimed me :awesome: :wink: