I feel so alienated - I'm actually considering changing halls

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 10 years ago
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Hey - I'm the guy from this thread - http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1115542

So the past day or two has had it's ups and downs. Today was going well, I went to my lecture, talked to some accquaintances in my tutorial and sat next to them, we had a chat afterwards (I did ask if they want to get coffee but, one was going to the gym, the other to meet his girlfriend) I went to the library, talked to some other people I know. I did feel a bit less lonely.

Anyway - fast foward to about 15 minutes, I'm at the bar in my halls (it's the last night at the bar - although only about a quarter of the people were there) I'm making an effort to make conversation and I feel no one wants to talk to me. The first thing that happened when I walked in, I saw my flatmates (the two guys) sitting with a group of 4 other people from that flat they always hang out with. I heard one of my flatmates say loudly "Oh look it's..." then he said a few more words I didn't hear and the table just gave me an evilish stare. I just walked past, I tried to talk to some people but, it seems they're all in cliques and to be honest I just don't know what to say, I just felt so unconfident and the conversations that I did have just seemed so awkward (maybe if I was drinking it would have helped but, I can't drink tonight as I have my job first thing in the morning tommorow and I can't turn up hungover for work)

So I left and now I feel like emotional ****, yet again. Firstly, (unless I'm now being really paranoid) I've established my flatmates hate me (they didn't even tell me they were going to the bar btw) secondly, I can't talk to anyone in my halls because of the past few weeks my confidence has taken a knock or something, this is so different to the first month or so of Uni when I was getting along with everyone and I felt super-confident and it seemed like everyone was enjoying my company, now they just seem awkward and they don't want to talk to me, Thirdly everyone in my halls seems to be split off into groups so I have no idea who to talk to and how to even approach them or even what to say, I actually feel like a social ****** because of all of this.

Anyway, for now I can focus on making friends on my course, at my job and in societies, however I am seriously considering moving halls now. Does anyone think I should stick it out for a bit or talk to my warden or any advice at all? I might go back down to the bar for one last ditch effort to try and have a good night out (I was planning to go out clubbing as well but, now I don't feel like it, also there were a few socials with various societies that I wish I went to instead now but, oh well)

Thanks and also Thanks for the advice in the last thread, it made me feel a bit better I guess.
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56gs47qr0ghe9454fe268st
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I think move halls tbh.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Abhead)
I think move halls tbh.
Tbh It seems like the only viable option I can think of to possibly have a chance of a healthy social life, there are some problems though, the effort of moving, the cost (£200 plus daily rent until they find someone else to move in), I'll probably no longer have the ensuite, Even if I do the room I'm in is the cheapest ensuite at the uni and I can only just afford it and finally who's to say I'll enjoy the people in the new halls I'm in - I'm actually starting to feel like there is something fundamentally or socially wrong with me.

For example: About a month ago a girl moved into one of the empty rooms and the flat she moved in with threw her a massive Welcome to the halls party and invited everyone - she's having the time of her life. However, this other guy moved into the another room and he always seems really depressed when I see him - like nothing has changed (obviously I don't know he's situation but, he always looks really down)

Any advice from those in a similar situation who have moved halls?
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Anonymous #2
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I moved halls, but only really across the road, i was depressed and embarassingly emotional the first few weeks after disliking where i was living. I met some people and it turned out they had a spare room in their flat and i thought, why the **** not move, so i did and it turned out to be a great decision. I love everyone in my flat now, but i still dont feel settled. Dont get me wrong, its alot better, but im still not having 'the time of my life' at uni.
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bigforehead
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Tbh It seems like the only viable option I can think of to possibly have a chance of a healthy social life, there are some problems though, the effort of moving, the cost (£200 plus daily rent until they find someone else to move in), I'll probably no longer have the ensuite, Even if I do the room I'm in is the cheapest ensuite at the uni and I can only just afford it and finally who's to say I'll enjoy the people in the new halls I'm in - I'm actually starting to feel like there is something fundamentally or socially wrong with me.

For example: About a month ago a girl moved into one of the empty rooms and the flat she moved in with threw her a massive Welcome to the halls party and invited everyone - she's having the time of her life. However, this other guy moved into the another room and he always seems really depressed when I see him - like nothing has changed (obviously I don't know he's situation but, he always looks really down)

Any advice from those in a similar situation who have moved halls?
Stick it out OP. As I said, I lived with some right little s****s at university in my first year, but it is not so bad if you make your halls just the one place that you eat and sleep. If you simply use your room to relax in and do work, and just spend the rest of the time out and about with friends from course or whatever then you shouldn't have a problem. I only had issues because my flatmates wouldn't even let me do that! :rolleyes:

At the moment it just sounds like sly b******g by some childish people who have got cliquey and refuse to budge. I think if it ever became anything more than that, which I doubt it will, then you should speak to your warden, however, insist that for you, moving is a final option and that really he needs to have a word with them. Even if he lies and says that another student has seen that you are being victimised or something. That or ask to speak to your welfare officer.

Don't move because you just incur the costs and there is a chance that you may not even like the people you move in with next time round. It would be even worse then after you have spent all that money. If you are seriously considering it, then maybe ask if you can go and visit the flat you are going to move in to and have a chat to the people etc. see whether they're on your wavelength and you could potentially have a good time together. But overall, I would say no, don't move and just use your room as a base to eat, sleep and do work in.

On the friend front it seems that you have made some really good headway OP! Just keep turning up to socials and showing your face, as well as keep chatting to those same people in lectures and tutorials. You seem like you have started the ball of friendship rolling which is always great to see. Let's hope it blossoms in to something more. Just don't pester, but after society meetings and tutorials it is definitely worth suggesting coffee, especially if there is a nice size group of you, as it can be a bit awkward just 1-1 for coffee with one person that you do not know very well.

Oh btw, subtly and I would no way mention this in a big way at all. But imply to your course friends and people in societies how absolutely crud your housemates are when you feel comfortable around them and call them friends. If you then build up a good rapport then they will know you won't be wanting to live with them next year, and may be you could get the chance to share a house with some of these people. Also, it is likely that they will start to tell you when they are going out and you may be able to utilise some social opportunities with them, even if it is with their flatmates, as opposed to course and societies. It is early days and don't mention that yet. But when you do feel more comfortable with course/soc people as friends then you should give this a try.

Best of luck. If you ever want to PM me about things then let me know. I am a freshers welfare representative for York and here for you if you ever need to chat. Especially as I was in that situation and I know what you're going through. That and I want to be updated on your new friends
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A GROWN MAN CRYING.
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Just be yourself. But you know a cheaper version of yourself with adequate social resources. Then avoid eye contact with your peers. It'll probably work. I think.
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areusureaboutthat
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ok
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sidi
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Sounds as if you're making great progress in going out and talking to people. Your flatmates really are showing themselves in their true colours. Just make sure they don't know they're getting to you.
What about the depressed guy? Might be worth befriending him and see if he's your sort of person.
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I'm_Unsafe.
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(Original post by areusureaboutthat)
I was/am in a similar situation to yourself. my housemates all go together and they're friends with the next corridor. I don't think they like me too. i dislike their friends and it's really annoying that they're around all the time.

This used to really get to me and I was thinking about changing my room but I changed my focus. It isn't a massive deal. As long as you have friends, so what if you don't get on with your housemates?
Until I realised you were a girl, I could have sworn you were one of my flatmates.

OP, it's up to you - sometimes making an extra effort to socialise with people can change their opinion of you, if you're a shy person like me then they might just feel like they don't know you very well. But then again sometimes people are set in their opinion and will always be nice to your face then ***** about you.

Clearly, some people move halls and it works out, for others it doesn't. I would suggest if you really want to move (because having a miserable time just isn't fun I'll admit) finding somewhere where you knew friendly people rather than just move in anywhere.
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areusureaboutthat
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(Original post by I'm_Unsafe.)
Until I realised you were a girl, I could have sworn you were one of my flatmates.

OP, it's up to you - sometimes making an extra effort to socialise with people can change their opinion of you, if you're a shy person like me then they might just feel like they don't know you very well. But then again sometimes people are set in their opinion and will always be nice to your face then ***** about you.

Clearly, some people move halls and it works out, for others it doesn't. I would suggest if you really want to move (because having a miserable time just isn't fun I'll admit) finding somewhere where you knew friendly people rather than just move in anywhere.
what's your relationship like with your housemates?
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Day_Dreamer1
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I feel like crying after reading all that (and ur previous post) lol...what is up with your housemates? They're acting like 3rd years or something lol. Tbh you should ask to change halls, i dont see how it could hurt and what are the chances of being put into another hall as immature as that? Most people at uni are looking to meet new people ect and not alienate others.

But yeah, i wouldnt get too down on it. They seem like they'd prob be crap friends anyways...
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I'm_Unsafe.
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(Original post by areusureaboutthat)
what's your relationship like with your housemates?
It's okay, we weren't so close because I'm quite shy but now I've settled in more we're quite friendly and I haven't spent a single evening in this week going out with them and our neighbours (I'm more of a 1/2 times a week person so this is quite unusual)- lots of christmas drinking and a christmas dinner. Some of us have got a house together for next year too. But there's this one guy who is getting increasingly isolated from the group, he doesn't go out much and is quite moody and dislikes the friends in the next flat so everyone else is pretty fed up with him - though I feel a bit guilty about him being left out myself.
There's a short life story for you there :rolleyes: sorry about that.
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aaloo
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ask to move before it's too late. i asked to move but some guy moved into the only empty room in the other fresher building before i did (and his old room has a health and safety issue) so i have to stay put with a bunch of ppl who hate me and whom i hate too. sigh
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by I'm_Unsafe.)
It's okay, we weren't so close because I'm quite shy but now I've settled in more we're quite friendly and I haven't spent a single evening in this week going out with them and our neighbours (I'm more of a 1/2 times a week person so this is quite unusual)- lots of christmas drinking and a christmas dinner. Some of us have got a house together for next year too. But there's this one guy who is getting increasingly isolated from the group, he doesn't go out much and is quite moody and dislikes the friends in the next flat so everyone else is pretty fed up with him - though I feel a bit guilty about him being left out myself.
There's a short life story for you there http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...s/rolleyes.gif sorry about that.
See I did make an effort to socialise with my flatmates but, they never bothered to make an effort with me. For the first month or two the guys never went out and I whenever I did I invited them also when they did go out I would usually see them both there together and they never even told me they were going, then a week or two ago they met this other flat and they hang out there all the time without ever inviting me and I can't just invite myself over so I'm stuck.
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I'm_Unsafe.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
See I did make an effort to socialise with my flatmates but, they never bothered to make an effort with me. For the first month or two the guys never went out and I whenever I did I invited them also when they did go out I would usually see them both there together and they never even told me they were going, then a week or two ago they met this other flat and they hang out there all the time without ever inviting me and I can't just invite myself over so I'm stuck.
It's not always easy. :consoles:

Just try and spend as much time with your other friends as possible.
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Procrastinating
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I read this thread and your other one and things look really bad for you, unfortuantly I have no advice except chin up and trust me if you make an effort things will get better, I was a bit like this my first few weeks at Uni but, then I went out to every society meeting, flat party and going out every night I could just so I wouldn't sit in my room by myself at night feeling sorry for myself.

Now I'm kind of in a group of friends and things are looking up
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bigforehead
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey - I'm the guy from this thread - http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=1115542

So the past day or two has had it's ups and downs. Today was going well, I went to my lecture, talked to some accquaintances in my tutorial and sat next to them, we had a chat afterwards (I did ask if they want to get coffee but, one was going to the gym, the other to meet his girlfriend) I went to the library, talked to some other people I know. I did feel a bit less lonely.

Anyway - fast foward to about 15 minutes, I'm at the bar in my halls (it's the last night at the bar - although only about a quarter of the people were there) I'm making an effort to make conversation and I feel no one wants to talk to me. The first thing that happened when I walked in, I saw my flatmates (the two guys) sitting with a group of 4 other people from that flat they always hang out with. I heard one of my flatmates say loudly "Oh look it's..." then he said a few more words I didn't hear and the table just gave me an evilish stare. I just walked past, I tried to talk to some people but, it seems they're all in cliques and to be honest I just don't know what to say, I just felt so unconfident and the conversations that I did have just seemed so awkward (maybe if I was drinking it would have helped but, I can't drink tonight as I have my job first thing in the morning tommorow and I can't turn up hungover for work)

So I left and now I feel like emotional ****, yet again. Firstly, (unless I'm now being really paranoid) I've established my flatmates hate me (they didn't even tell me they were going to the bar btw) secondly, I can't talk to anyone in my halls because of the past few weeks my confidence has taken a knock or something, this is so different to the first month or so of Uni when I was getting along with everyone and I felt super-confident and it seemed like everyone was enjoying my company, now they just seem awkward and they don't want to talk to me, Thirdly everyone in my halls seems to be split off into groups so I have no idea who to talk to and how to even approach them or even what to say, I actually feel like a social ****** because of all of this.

Anyway, for now I can focus on making friends on my course, at my job and in societies, however I am seriously considering moving halls now. Does anyone think I should stick it out for a bit or talk to my warden or any advice at all? I might go back down to the bar for one last ditch effort to try and have a good night out (I was planning to go out clubbing as well but, now I don't feel like it, also there were a few socials with various societies that I wish I went to instead now but, oh well)

Thanks and also Thanks for the advice in the last thread, it made me feel a bit better I guess.
If you want to talk about things in complete confidentiality, then feel free to PM me. Even if you just wanna talk about how the day has been etc.

Hope you are doin ok mate.
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FrazzleFace
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I know this all happened at least 10 years ago but I read through all the posts from this and the other thread and I found myself feeling so sorry for Anonymous #1. I would love to know if he was able to make friends and feel better about himself in his remaining years at Uni. I suspect that at this point in his life (aged c.28), Uni seems like a hundred years ago and a relatively brief period of time spent in angst. It's likely that by now he's seen some of his awful flatmates from his first year stumble and fall in life, and had a little chuckle to himself. Well I hope so anyway. Anonymous #1, if by some miracle you ever do return to this thread, do let us know what happened and how things turned out!
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