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Friend-with-benefits slept with someone else...need advice...
I'll try and keep this brief!
This all started back in August. When it started, it was meant to end when I went back to uni, and it was very clearly no strings.
But then it ended up not ending when I went back to uni. It developed more and more to which I think (and I don't think I am unfair in this) it got past the friend-with-benefits stage. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other, but still basically see each other every week. We're in touch every day. He buys me stuff a lot and gets me surprises all the time. I know all of his friends quite well now and get on with all of them. It wasn't just like we were friends who slept together, we did stuff without sex all the time, acted coupley in public... Seriously like this guy. Next year in March he's moving to where I go to uni... and I couldn't help but hope....
But then about a week ago I found out he slept with someone else. He just mentioned it in passing, he didn't even seem to think it was important. I got really upset and kicked off a bit. I wasn't angry with him, just upset, clearly we had very different ideas of what was going on. He didn't think that he had done nothing wrong (awful grammar, but hope you see what I mean) but didn't think that I should be upset as I was either. After a massive hash-out of what was going on, absolutely nothing is going to be made clear of whether he is going to keep sleeping with other people....he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either....
I know this is terrible but part of me doesn't care that this isn't exactly what I want, I'd rather have this than nothing.
Know that's all reaaaaaallly confusing but has anyone got any advice?
This all started back in August. When it started, it was meant to end when I went back to uni, and it was very clearly no strings.
But then it ended up not ending when I went back to uni. It developed more and more to which I think (and I don't think I am unfair in this) it got past the friend-with-benefits stage. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other, but still basically see each other every week. We're in touch every day. He buys me stuff a lot and gets me surprises all the time. I know all of his friends quite well now and get on with all of them. It wasn't just like we were friends who slept together, we did stuff without sex all the time, acted coupley in public... Seriously like this guy. Next year in March he's moving to where I go to uni... and I couldn't help but hope....
But then about a week ago I found out he slept with someone else. He just mentioned it in passing, he didn't even seem to think it was important. I got really upset and kicked off a bit. I wasn't angry with him, just upset, clearly we had very different ideas of what was going on. He didn't think that he had done nothing wrong (awful grammar, but hope you see what I mean) but didn't think that I should be upset as I was either. After a massive hash-out of what was going on, absolutely nothing is going to be made clear of whether he is going to keep sleeping with other people....he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either....
I know this is terrible but part of me doesn't care that this isn't exactly what I want, I'd rather have this than nothing.
Know that's all reaaaaaallly confusing but has anyone got any advice?
Scroll to see replies
Anonymous
I'll try and keep this brief!
This all started back in August. When it started, it was meant to end when I went back to uni, and it was very clearly no strings.
But then it ended up not ending when I went back to uni. It developed more and more to which I think (and I don't think I am unfair in this) it got past the friend-with-benefits stage. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other, but still basically see each other every week. We're in touch every day. He buys me stuff a lot and gets me surprises all the time. I know all of his friends quite well now and get on with all of them. It wasn't just like we were friends who slept together, we did stuff without sex all the time, acted coupley in public... Seriously like this guy. Next year in March he's moving to where I go to uni... and I couldn't help but hope....
But then about a week ago I found out he slept with someone else. He just mentioned it in passing, he didn't even seem to think it was important. I got really upset and kicked off a bit. I wasn't angry with him, just upset, clearly we had very different ideas of what was going on. He didn't think that he had done nothing wrong (awful grammar, but hope you see what I mean) but didn't think that I should be upset as I was either. After a massive hash-out of what was going on, absolutely nothing is going to be made clear of whether he is going to keep sleeping with other people....he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either....
I know this is terrible but part of me doesn't care that this isn't exactly what I want, I'd rather have this than nothing.
Know that's all reaaaaaallly confusing but has anyone got any advice?
This all started back in August. When it started, it was meant to end when I went back to uni, and it was very clearly no strings.
But then it ended up not ending when I went back to uni. It developed more and more to which I think (and I don't think I am unfair in this) it got past the friend-with-benefits stage. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other, but still basically see each other every week. We're in touch every day. He buys me stuff a lot and gets me surprises all the time. I know all of his friends quite well now and get on with all of them. It wasn't just like we were friends who slept together, we did stuff without sex all the time, acted coupley in public... Seriously like this guy. Next year in March he's moving to where I go to uni... and I couldn't help but hope....
But then about a week ago I found out he slept with someone else. He just mentioned it in passing, he didn't even seem to think it was important. I got really upset and kicked off a bit. I wasn't angry with him, just upset, clearly we had very different ideas of what was going on. He didn't think that he had done nothing wrong (awful grammar, but hope you see what I mean) but didn't think that I should be upset as I was either. After a massive hash-out of what was going on, absolutely nothing is going to be made clear of whether he is going to keep sleeping with other people....he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either....
I know this is terrible but part of me doesn't care that this isn't exactly what I want, I'd rather have this than nothing.
Know that's all reaaaaaallly confusing but has anyone got any advice?
You were nothing more than a ********* to him.
You developed feelings for him, despite the fact "it was very clearly no strings."
Crappy situation for you really, but you can't have it both ways. Move on in my opinion, he obviously doesn't want a "real" relationship with you.
he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either.... - wow. He might as well have said "you're good at sex but nothing else", seriously.
M_E_X
You were nothing more than a ********* to him.
You developed feelings for him, despite the fact "it was very clearly no strings."
Crappy situation for you really, but you can't have it both ways. Move on in my opinion, he obviously doesn't want a "real" relationship with you.
he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either.... - wow. He might as well have said "you're good at sex but nothing else", seriously.
You developed feelings for him, despite the fact "it was very clearly no strings."
Crappy situation for you really, but you can't have it both ways. Move on in my opinion, he obviously doesn't want a "real" relationship with you.
he says he doesn't want a relationship but that he doesn't want to lose me either.... - wow. He might as well have said "you're good at sex but nothing else", seriously.
well (again aware he could be lying but something's telling me he's not) it was more not wanting a relationship in general, rather than not a relationship WITH ME.
Anonymous
well (again aware he could be lying but something's telling me he's not) it was more not wanting a relationship in general, rather than not a relationship WITH ME.
Well either way you've not got much chance of having a relationship with him, which is obviously what you want.
You couldn't have expected much loyalty from him in a "**** - buddy" relationship. Move on.
It's unfortunate but you can't really blame him since it wasn't made totally and utterly clear. Perhaps more communication on his part (and yours!) might have been useful, but you can't help what has happened and neither of you deserve to take any real blame
Attachment happens.. simple fact is you'll need to start looking in a different direction now
good luck
Attachment happens.. simple fact is you'll need to start looking in a different direction now
good luck
The best thing you can do is let go of him. You've gone past the 'Friends with benefits' stage and it seems like you'll never get what you want so it'll only hurt more for longer if you just stick around being treated like crap.
It's the crappest situation ever but you'll get over him! I promise
It's the crappest situation ever but you'll get over him! I promise
He's done nothing wrong; as long as you're not in an exclusive relationship, he can do whatever he wants. You can't assume you're anything but **** buddies unless you both say so; it doesn't matter how 'coupley' you are.
Carry on if you want, but don't expect anything to come out of it and don't get stroppy with him when he sleeps with other girls. Also, imagine if he got a girlfriend or decided to end things - you'd feel really hurt and humiliated. At least if you end things, you have some control.
Carry on if you want, but don't expect anything to come out of it and don't get stroppy with him when he sleeps with other girls. Also, imagine if he got a girlfriend or decided to end things - you'd feel really hurt and humiliated. At least if you end things, you have some control.
I think maybe the two of you should have discussed the relationship a couple of times as it evolved.
It wasn't clearly "no strings", because you developed feelings, and you should have told him this, because in his defence, he was working on the "no strings" basis.
These kind of relationships hardly ever work, for this very reason.
Tell him how you feel, fully this time, and see what he says. If he's not up for a relationship, then just move on...
It wasn't clearly "no strings", because you developed feelings, and you should have told him this, because in his defence, he was working on the "no strings" basis.
These kind of relationships hardly ever work, for this very reason.
Tell him how you feel, fully this time, and see what he says. If he's not up for a relationship, then just move on...
From the title alone, I'd say you have no right to complain.
To be honest, you've made out that he cares for you, presents, get on with his friends etc. In my opinion that is more than just the occasional hows your father.
I reckon he's developed feelings for you, but wants the best of both worlds, clearly.
I'd leave it. Easier said than done, I know.
I reckon he's developed feelings for you, but wants the best of both worlds, clearly.
I'd leave it. Easier said than done, I know.
Horrible situation
Had a similar thing myself a while ago, just had to tell him what I thought and hoped for the best. Not doing the fwb thing anymore, but still pretty good friends. Just give him a bit of space, and let him make up his mind about what he wants. If it's you, that's great, if not then you'll just have to try and get over it (as someone else said, easier said than done).
Had a similar thing myself a while ago, just had to tell him what I thought and hoped for the best. Not doing the fwb thing anymore, but still pretty good friends. Just give him a bit of space, and let him make up his mind about what he wants. If it's you, that's great, if not then you'll just have to try and get over it (as someone else said, easier said than done).
you were never officially a couple, so even though he may have hurt your feelings, he hasnt ACTUALLY done anything wrong.
And the whole point to having friends with benefits is that you don't develop feelings for eachother, no?
And the whole point to having friends with benefits is that you don't develop feelings for eachother, no?
totally in a similar-ish situation. The problem is that he is used to being able to have you but not be tied down, so why would he want to change that? essentially this kind of FWB is meant to be all the good parts of the relationship without the ****** bits and the being tied down whatnot so yeah, i dont really see him changing his mind. its going to suck but youre just going to have to man up. Im suuuuch a hypocrite saying this lol :/ but the only way to get over it (and youre going to have to because you will just get more and more hurt, you wont be able to separate your feelings) is to stop sleeping with him, or doing anything that constitutes as more than average friendly behaviour.
eurgh this makes me sad as its the advice i should be giving myself!!!
eurgh this makes me sad as its the advice i should be giving myself!!!
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