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    well ive been trying to get down to writin this n finally yesterday i wrote sumthin..i think its horrible but i just wanted u ppl to c how it is n to tell me wat stuff i have to change or add or watever. plz help!! (btw its the first 1 i ever written n i was half asleep so if it sucks u know y..lol)

    well here it is:


    My name is ----- and I would like to take the Natural Sciences course at University. I have always had a fascination for how things happens and why they happen and I found my answers in the depth of science. My interest in the the way things work and all the processes involved has evolved over time. I feel that if I take this course, I can expand my horizon and learn even more about the world and all the amazing things which are occuring. I also think that this course will be quite interesting as it involves all the sciences and we can later choose for ourselves which path we want to take. Personally, I think I wold take a biology/chemistry path because these subjects interest me more. Throughout this course I know I will learn many new things and I'm willing to use this knowledge in the future to help me. I have not had much experience in such a field but I am sure that it will be a very enriching course.

    I have not yet finished my Advanced Subsidiary Level Examinations which will go under completion this October/November. I would also like to complete my A level course next year. If I pass the examinations with the expected grades then I will be looking forward to a place at your University to study Natural Sciences. After obtaining the degree I intend to do get a job in a respectable company or possibly do some research and continue my studies further.

    In addition to my interest in the sciences, I also love to read books - both fictional and non-fictional. Writing poetry is another ones of my hobbies and it allows me to express myself on paper. Listening to music is another one of my pastimes too. I also like dancing and have taken part in quite a few dances at my community centre.

    I am a hard-working student and I always try to make sure that I have completed my work on time. I like to be punctual with the things I do and I am not usually easilly distracted. I think I will be able to keep up with the course and I will definitely try my very best. It would be a wonderful thing to be excepted into this course at the University and I hope that I succeed - if not today then there is always tommorrow.

    i now its sorta short but i cudnt think of anything else to write. cud sum1 help me??
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    dont do negatives like "if i pass"

    how can you show you are hard working?

    any work experience?
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    hi thanx 4 reply!
    unfortunately not..cant say ive had any work experience cuz where i live there isnt much scope for that kinda stuff
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    otherwise how was it???
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    A really quick bit of feedback...

    Good that you're trying to be clear and to the point but the opening sentence is a little too flat. Your second sentence could well be the opening one, but " how things happen and why they happen" is a bit vague; we need to be sure you are talking about "things" that can be explained by science, and not politics or land economy.

    When you get to "I feel that if..." you could mention 'Natural Sciences' here.ie
    I feel that by taking a course in the natural sciences at university, I will be able to expand my horizons ...

    Again "all the amazing things that are occuring" is a bit wishy washy and is not the talk of a budding scientist. Although you must harbour a childish curiousity and fascination in there somewhere, which is all part of your passion for the subject, you must come across as a mature scientist-in-the-making


    QUITE INTERSTING!!!! Well we'll reject you then because the next guy put extremely interesting...and the next guy said that the diversity of courses available within the degree and the scope for personally shaping one's own scientific career right from the first year of university was a rapturous incentive to pursue the subject he felt strongly about through a Natural Sciences degree


    Whats so interesting about Biology and Chemistry? and Why? What use do they have anyway?

    Sorry I've got to go about now...but, really, the whole thing lacks detail; it fails to convey any real passion for the subject. It has rough outline of something which could be good. Watch out for how many times you say " I ". Don't repeatedly use the same structure for sentences. I think once you get far more detail in there it will seem a lot better...what books have you read? what have they got to do with science? the course? What's a "respectable company"? It's ridiculous just to say that. I dont care if you can dance the Charleston whilst writing verse...or listen to the Goo Goo Dolls whilst composing sonnets...I'm not saying that you can't mention these things but how's it going to enrich my university!?
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    thanx for the advice spenceman.. well now i know wat i have to add n wat i gotta get rid of im not much of a writer id u've noticed lol
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    "My name is ............" they'll have your name on the form so there's no point in that.
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    My name is ----- and I would like to take the Natural Sciences course at University. I have always had a fascination for how things happens and why they happen and I found my answers in the depth of science. My interest in the the way things work and all the processes involved has evolved over time. I feel that if I take this course, I can expand my horizon and learn even more about the world and all the amazing things which are occuring. I also think that this course will be quite interesting as it involves all the sciences and we can later choose for ourselves which path we want to take. Personally, I think I wold take a biology/chemistry path because these subjects interest me more. Throughout this course I know I will learn many new things and I'm willing to use this knowledge in the future to help me. I have not had much experience in such a field but I am sure that it will be a very enriching course.

    I have not yet finished my Advanced Subsidiary Level Examinations which will go under completion this October/November. I would also like to complete my A level course next year. If I pass the examinations with the expected grades then I will be looking forward to a place at your University to study Natural Sciences. After obtaining the degree I intend to do get a job in a respectable company or possibly do some research and continue my studies further.

    In addition to my interest in the sciences, I also love to read books - both fictional and non-fictional. Writing poetry is another ones of my hobbies and it allows me to express myself on paper. Listening to music is another one of my pastimes too. I also like dancing and have taken part in quite a few dances at my community centre.

    I am a hard-working student and I always try to make sure that I have completed my work on time. I like to be punctual with the things I do and I am not usually easilly distracted. I think I will be able to keep up with the course and I will definitely try my very best. It would be a wonderful thing to be excepted into this course at the University and I hope that I succeed - if not today then there is always tommorrow.
    I've put in bold what I think needs to be deleted and replaced or reworded. You need to convey your enthusiasm and provide evidence or examples that explain why or show how you're hard working etc. Get another rough sketch together then start polishing.
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    yep gaz is rite.... include what he says. dont worry i was like u the first time....
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    Don't bother mentioning the fact you haven't finished AS yet, because by the time they read your p.s you would have, plus to do the degree you have to have completed AS and A2 so definitely leave it out. You also seem quite negative and not confident! you want to stand out!!! You shouldn't say 'there is always tomorrow'. If you are passionate about this course then you will succeed! Be optimistic. Maybe mention certain aspects of your course you enjoyed just to emphasise why you want to do the course. Say what you want to do in the future show you have ambition. Sell yourself!
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    lol thanx guys..i better write another 1 hehe..oh i didnt put my name cuz i was posting it here thats y.. i will in the final one tho ..obviously
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    (Original post by Gaz031)
    I've put in bold what I think needs to be deleted and replaced or reworded. You need to convey your enthusiasm and provide evidence or examples that explain why or show how you're hard working etc. Get another rough sketch together then start polishing.
    Except it is "accepted" in the last paragraph, not "excepted".

    Marcus
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    (Original post by nemo199)
    well ive been trying to get down to writin this n finally yesterday i wrote sumthin..i think its horrible but i just wanted u ppl to c how it is n to tell me wat stuff i have to change or add or watever. plz help!! (btw its the first 1 i ever written n i was half asleep so if it sucks u know y..lol)

    well here it is:


    My name is ----- and I would like to take the Natural Sciences course at University. I have always had a fascination for how things happens and why they happen and I found my answers in the depth of science. My interest in the the way things work and all the processes involved has evolved over time. I feel that if I take this course, I can expand my horizon and learn even more about the world and all the amazing things which are occuring. I also think that this course will be quite interesting as it involves all the sciences and we can later choose for ourselves which path we want to take. Personally, I think I wold take a biology/chemistry path because these subjects interest me more. Throughout this course I know I will learn many new things and I'm willing to use this knowledge in the future to help me. I have not had much experience in such a field but I am sure that it will be a very enriching course.

    I have not yet finished my Advanced Subsidiary Level Examinations which will go under completion this October/November. I would also like to complete my A level course next year. If I pass the examinations with the expected grades then I will be looking forward to a place at your University to study Natural Sciences. After obtaining the degree I intend to do get a job in a respectable company or possibly do some research and continue my studies further.

    In addition to my interest in the sciences, I also love to read books - both fictional and non-fictional. Writing poetry is another ones of my hobbies and it allows me to express myself on paper. Listening to music is another one of my pastimes too. I also like dancing and have taken part in quite a few dances at my community centre.

    I am a hard-working student and I always try to make sure that I have completed my work on time. I like to be punctual with the things I do and I am not usually easilly distracted. I think I will be able to keep up with the course and I will definitely try my very best. It would be a wonderful thing to be excepted into this course at the University and I hope that I succeed - if not today then there is always tommorrow.

    i now its sorta short but i cudnt think of anything else to write. cud sum1 help me??
    You don't need your name. They have this. Also, you should look at proper spelling and grammar, but obviously your teacher will do this. Aside from a few mistakes that I'm sure you will pick up on proof reading, in the last paragraph, the correct usage is "accepted", not "excepted".

    I wouldn't put in anything that could be construed as negative, such as the phrases "If I pass" and "If not today, then tomorrow"

    And it's "sort of", "couldn't" and "someone"

    Marcus
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    forgot to spell check hehehe
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    Even if you do, the computer won't tell you that you need to use "accepted" and not "excepted", as you spelt them correctly. I hope you know the difference between except (a preposition) and accept (a verb).

    Well, I suppose in some cases except is used as a verb. But in this case you'd better hope they don't.

    Marcus
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    ya i know the difference and the computer actually did correct it
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    Ah, that grammar checker's getting better in Office all the time.

    Marcus
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    Never say "to expand my horizon(s)" - that is cheese 101. Give a better account of why rather than just another half-baked cliché.
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    Advice my careers teacher passed onto all of us. Know why you're applying for a subject, and be able to communicate that 'why' in a single sentence. Don't repeat yourself. Make affirmative sentences, not tenuous ones.

    Do you have anything else extra-curricular that says, 'I involve my subject in my external life'? Dancing and poetry might have them question, 'perhaps this candidate is more Arts based'? It's a possibility. Try to avoid all cliches, and for god's sake, run it through a grammar checker.
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    You need to give very specific reasons why you love Bio/Chem and don't include things that just waste words. You can use the space to say something much more useful.
 
 
 

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