Turn on thread page Beta
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    keep anon as bf on here,

    basically have been with my bf for over two years hes the first guy i have been with,

    im not sure what to make of this? currently in LDR- though have will be moving intogether in Aug for good.

    tbh I dont feel like i miss him at all, and rather enjoy him not being around.
    i know i care for him but im just not sure its all there?
    sometimes we might be about to bicker and i just can not be bothered! while before i would get really vexed

    i get mixed signals off him though;
    for example once i had not seen him for over a month and we had arranged to meet one weekend. starting friday, he then got intouch and said he is meeting his friends on friday so he would come saturday, i was okay with that as i know he doesnt see his friends much. but then on the sat he cancelled on me 3 hrs before because he had a headache, BUT then some other mates asked him to meet him in the city i was in and he went(though he had a lift!) now unfortunately i at this point had realized that i had lost my bank card (i had already had my return train ticket) i asked him to please could he lend me some money till i could get to the bank? he said okay but left me waiting over half an hr in the snow. at this point i was so fustrated i told him to forget it and walked to the station without even seeing him.
    to me this episode proves he doesnt care right? if he did he would have made the effort

    but then i think he picked up on my "apathy" during a phone call once and he started crying and everything down the phone saying he couldnt bare to be with out me and he might do something stupid???

    its really confusing me!!

    i keep thinking about what it would be like to be without him and things i know its not healthy to think that....
    also
    ive met his family hes met mine we do get on really well, theyve bought me presents (even paid to fix my labtop!) and the thing is i think i could leave him but i have this immense overwhelming guilt to his family. i cant deny theyve done a lot for me! i feel like im stuck in a rut!


    please give me some ideas/ tips!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hey

    firstly forget the family, loose the guilt, the relationship is you and him only.

    I think yes, he may think he might do something stupid, he probably wont. If he is mentally unstable then he needs professional help, not you forcing yourself to stay with him. Tears may grab out your sympathetic side but realise that you should want to be in this relationship for your own reasons, not because you don't want to make him sad.

    Out of interest you can tell an abusive relationship by the guy screwing up and getting abusive, and then crawling back with apologies and pleading for forgiveness. If you can draw parallels like this in your relationship then it is not a good sign. (not suggesting he would get violent, just the whole screwing up and crawling back thing).

    If I could drive and my gf was waiting in the snow I would be there as fast as I can. I'm not sure how far he was away from you but If he took way too long then that Is a problem. You are probably as high a priority to him as is friends. This is fine so long as he keeps balance, it doesn't sound like he is.

    My advice, call off the whole living together thing. That sounds like a bad idea until you get your relationship fixed now.

    I think a litmus test for a relationship would be would you miss them when they are gone? if not then you either need to hang around and fix it or move on. If I were you I would move on. Don't be dragged into staying with him out of guilt. It will be painful for him if you leave him, but clearly he has friends better to him than you. So i'd think they would be able to help.

    Goodluck. Take care of yourself and don't stay in a relationship you don't want to be a part of. x
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Dont worry, it's the beginning of the year and a time for bliss peace and joyful longings. I suggest (but this is a guy's mindset) just clearing your mind with some ppl and some situations that are off the stress chart and having some delicious food and then either do one of two things:
    call it a time out for now, (act diplomatic, it'll be good experience if you're good at it)
    or try again
    but the key point is to be clear and to have some honest communication. If you cant manage that, hit the squash court and leave it for now.

    Best of luck and a happy new year from TSR
    • CV Helper
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    CV Helper
    This sounds like my situation a couple of months ago. I ended it at the beginning of December and I've never felt better! Sometimes relationships just run their course (I'd been in mine for 3 years) and sometimes it's better to let go.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    it comes down to if u really want to stay with him or if u are with him to keep him happy. if it is the latter which it sounds like it is i don't think it is worth staying in a relationship that doesn't make both of u happy. he won't do anything stupid he will just think about doing something. hope this helps
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    thank you guys appreciate the words of wisdom!

    im just a bit anxious because the time he got real upset and everything his mum and his brother saw him like this (but they didnt know it was to do with me they think it was stress of work)

    part of me just wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait but another part of me just wants to go!

    out of interest, how do you think i should approach the family?
    Ive had two episodes weres he has ignored me for over 3 weeks; the second time i got the train to his house as i got so stressed with what was happening, his mum picked me up and she had a clue that something was going on so i told her he was ignoring me. she stuck up for him and said he was really stressed with work (the first time was with uni) shes his mum she knows him etc, and i felt she brushed my concerns aside as being young and niave (im 22), she doesnt know half of whats happened in the past, he has been abusive to a certain extent (with reference to hypergiant) and she doesnt know this but he hasnt been for the past 5ish months. and now my feelings have changed alot and even though ive had no problems with regards to abuse in the past 5ish months my apathy hasnt changed and part of me thinks itll only get worse in the future?

    how would i go about talking to his family, i could imagine them talking me out of it lol but at the same time i respect them and would want to have clear air with not only my bf, his family too if i was to walk away
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If I were you I would thank them for their kindness and help but "it is just not working out" between you two. This is great because it is no justification disguised as justification. You don't need to justify yourself to them, just express that you are sorry it didn't work out and wish them the best. If they try and convince you not to (this is all assuming that you will go ahead and break up) explain to them that your mind is already made up and it is something that you need to do.

    If they take it in a bad way then there isn't anything more you can do about it. Obviously they will be upset but they can't really blame you. Ask them to make sure that he is all right.

    "he has been abusive to a certain extent" "part of me thinks itll only get worse in the future"
    I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion, this is just an observation. This is another way abusive relationships take off, at first it is being just a little too controlling, then arguing, and then simple stuff like holding your arm tightly when you both get stressed or grabbing your hand and pulling you too him if you want to leave or just shouting you down in arguments. Any of this sound familiar? I hope not. Just a possible impression I get from what you said.

    If any of that is the case, more reason to get out.
    If you do decide it is something you want to do, talk to your friends about it for reassurance and support.

    But yeah, definitely explain to the family what has happened as soon as you break up. Call his mum or whatever so she understands, and in a sense say goodbye to her and thank her for her kindness.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by HyperGiant)
    If I were you I would thank them for their kindness and help but "it is just not working out" between you two. This is great because it is no justification disguised as justification. You don't need to justify yourself to them, just express that you are sorry it didn't work out and wish them the best. If they try and convince you not to (this is all assuming that you will go ahead and break up) explain to them that your mind is already made up and it is something that you need to do.

    If they take it in a bad way then there isn't anything more you can do about it. Obviously they will be upset but they can't really blame you. Ask them to make sure that he is all right.

    "he has been abusive to a certain extent" "part of me thinks itll only get worse in the future"
    I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion, this is just an observation. This is another way abusive relationships take off, at first it is being just a little too controlling, then arguing, and then simple stuff like holding your arm tightly when you both get stressed or grabbing your hand and pulling you too him if you want to leave or just shouting you down in arguments. Any of this sound familiar? I hope not. Just a possible impression I get from what you said.

    If any of that is the case, more reason to get out.
    If you do decide it is something you want to do, talk to your friends about it for reassurance and support.

    But yeah, definitely explain to the family what has happened as soon as you break up. Call his mum or whatever so she understands, and in a sense say goodbye to her and thank her for her kindness.
    Everything hypergiant has said is good advice, well said

    OP personally it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He's not prioritising you (which I personally think should always be a must - your partner is a friend who you like more than that, therefore I'd place them above my friends, as I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with him, and him alone), he's not thinking of your feelings, he's ignoring you, he's been violent. The only time he apologises is when he feels he may lose you, it sounds (apologies for assuming this). If you don't miss him when he's not around, then that's telling you something. You don't have to constantly miss him as everyone's different - you can enjoy the fact he's not around all the time, and have fun when he's not, but you should miss him at least noticeably every so often, and actively look forward to seeing him next.

    I'd also place more importance on him being violent/abusive than you seem to be - it's quite important. Just give it a think-over, OP.

    My advice: call off the moving in, and take things slowly with your boyfriend. There's no need to instantly use breaking up as the solution, unless you feel that's all that'd work. Talk to him, explaining exactly how you feel, why things aren't working for you, and what he (and you) would have to alter for it to be ideal for the both of you. As for the family, don't take them into consideration AT ALL. Not being rude, but this relationship is between you and him, and you should not stay with someone for the sake of other people. As for approaching them if you do decide your boyfriend isn't the one for you, take hypergiant's advice - "thankyou for everything you've done for me and making me so welcome, I really appreciate it, it's such a shame that it's not working out between me and *blah*". I'd probably talk to them face to face (as I'd talk to him face to face), or a phone call, or heartfelt email even - you're not technically that close, and you're not actually breaking up with them, but their son!

    I hope you feel better OP - do what would make you happiest.
    All the best x
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 14, 2010
Poll
Which accompaniment is best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.