This feels very silly typing this but I think it might help me get my head together. I've been very self destructive lately with drinking lots, smoking a lot of weed and being lazy and depressed as a result. I've realized the reason is because I love a girl so much I can't bare living without her to share everything with. I've been narrowing down the things I can do, i'm putting off getting work done or working on my websites, which usually gives me pleasure as a result. I don't want to do anything, my enthusiasm has died. I know this is temporary, but with this girl I don't know if I want the feelings just to go away. I've spent a fair bit of time with her now I get so happy spending time with her. She is the only thing that excites me at all. If I lost all my money in some accident i'd just go 'oh'. That is how much worse this is. I'm also especially worried about this because my friends are sorting out a house and I don't know who I'm going to live with. I had hoped to 'play the long game' and get to know her gradually more and more throughout the year (she lives far away, so we don't meet that often). Then I was half planning/hoping vaguely to end up being one of the people she would want to live with next year, but I didn' realize that needing sorting so early, so there is no time now. I don't know what to do. Valentines day is coming up and it feels like I should do something, but she has a boyfriend! They only announced it on facebook a couple of weeks ago so I don't know how close or stable they are, but even so I don't want to put her in a flap about what to do, because I actually think she quite likes me, so she could actually say yes which would mean I'd be the guy her boyfriend (who im sure is very nice) hates. Although, that is probably just an excuse I'm making so I don't have to do anything risky. I actually want her to have my babies. I want to stay with her till her beautiful ginger hair turns grey and falls out (lol).
I'm vaguely formulating an idea that could turn into a plan to give her a note or something that says "I couldn't wait till valentines day to say I LOVE YOU". Or maybe I should tell her? I can't really imagine me saying that to be honest.
Thanks for reading, any advice appreciated, apologies for the rambling style.
Loughborough at number one