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me and my father; don't know what i can do

sorry if this is tl;dr, i'll try and make it not painfully long

ok so i'm a 17yo girl and i'm going to university next september. my parents split about a year ago and my mum moved away. i've always been closer to her so i was living with her for awhile but because of schooling last fall i had to move back with my dad.

we've never been close or had a relationship at all really; we don't talk except when he's telling me what i'm doing wrong. when i got my unconditional into the only university i wanted to go to, i knew he was happy for me but all he did was nod and say "congratulations" i just felt like he didn't care much or thought i should have gotten into somewhere "better" like oxbridge (which is where both my parents went). he makes me feel like i'm constantly disappointing him but most of the time i don't even know what i'm doing wrong.

also, he grew up in an all male household with a fairly ****** up family, so i know he doesn't understand teen girls at all but i don't know how to make him understand me; some of the things he says are just hurtful (like saying that going to the gym doesn't seem to be helping me, why don't i have a boyfriend, etc. the last ones really hurtful because i just went through a painful breakup but he doesn't know that) i can tell he's kidding because he says it in a teasing tone, but it genuinely hurts me.

so now that my mum's gone, we just ignore each other or fight all the time: basically i'm screaming at him because i'm miserable. i just want him to react. i know i'm hurting him but he won't say anything, he just leaves.

i'm trying to hold on until uni when i know everything will be better but then i'll feel bad for leaving him completely alone (me and my mom will be far away and he's not very social) and i see my friends who have great relationships with their parents and i feel so jealous and guilty because i absolutely hate my own father.

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ?
1.i'm a 17yo girl
2.i live with my dad
3.he makes me feel like i'm constantly disappointing him
4.i absolutely hate him

so do you think its possible to fix things or is it too late? and those of you (especially girls) who have good relationships with your dad how do you do it?

Reply 1

llys

Honestly, it's just a waste of time hating him. He doesn't even sound that bad. You say you feel like you're disappointing him but to me it sounds like you're projecting these thoughts onto him. I.e. maybe YOU are disappointed you didn't get into another uni and therefore think he is? Nothing you said in your post actually objectively suggests to me that he is disappointed with you at all.

To me it sounds a bit like you "feel misunderstood". Well, people are not mind readers and parents are not miracle workers or have amazing people skills just because they are parents.

My advice: Try to acquire a bit more relaxed attitude - if he pokes a bit of fun at you (again the way you said it seems to me like he doesn't mean it in a mean way), just poke a bit of fun at him back - done. (He'll probably be delighted, at that.)

Reply 2

llys

Anonymous

so do you think its possible to fix things or is it too late?

It is not too late btw - I think the relationship with one's parents is probably at its most stressful at age 16-20. So don't worry. :-)

Reply 3

Spanishdream

Some parents get into that mentality and it's hard to change without help in my opinion.
I'm sorry to hear about this because parents should make their children feel special when they've achieved something. I would suggest an extremely long and tearful conversation with him and tell him how his treatment makes you feel. Be assertive with him and don't let him trample on your achievement.

Now, what your father should have done, I will do.

Congratulations on your place in University. It's a great achievement and I'm sure you'll do well. :smile: