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gf wanting to end it due to depression. watch

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    me and my girlfriend have been going out since literally second night of freshers week. so like 15 or so weeks, never had trust problems, or well any problems. up until just before the beginning of term I'd say we were in a strong relationship. I even went to see her over christmas and in the process saw literally all her extended family, so well this next bit came as a bit of a shock...

    since we've got back (5 or so days now) she'd seemed slightly off with me, and basically kept avoiding anything intimate or saying she had too much work, or was too tired etc. this morning i decided to talk to her and try find out what was wrong, she basically stared off into the distance alot and kept saying nothing was wrong and its all just coincidence.

    THEN (important bit) she said pretty much out of the blue. 'I think we should break up'. long story short, she's had really bad depression in the past that i knew about and had even told me she fully expected it to come back at some point. basically it came back over the christmas holidays (although she is amazing at hiding it), and now doesn't think its fair on me to stay together as she's depressed.

    personally i'd quite happily stay together, she hasn't told anyone else at uni, and i just feel letting it end with her would be abandoning her. and now that i know about it i think/hope i can give her support when she needs it. the way its been left at the moment is that we're both going to go away and think bout everything then talk later tonight or tomorow.

    so i'd really appreciate peoples views/advice especially from those currently or previousy depressed
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    Depends if you're actually up to it, surely. Personally, i'd stay with her and support her.
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    I think she's probably saying that because her self-esteem is incredibly low - of course she'll think it's not fair on you to stay with her. She's being irrational because she's not confident. If you do like her, you should try your best to stick with her - it might even help her feel better if you do.
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    Well I've thought the same as her before, that it'd be better if I was on my own. I suppose to wallow and feel bad and not have to feel guilty about anyone else being affected. But then I'm deeply cynical as well as depressed so I don't want or need anyone to be there for me. She might think even if she understands you breaking up at the same time (I know it's not you exactly) but she may end up thinking that you've left her and she's alone. Maybe try and stick round or not taking it too seriously when she suggests breaking up if she's not having a serious discussion about it.
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    (Original post by FrancesO)
    I think she's probably saying that because her self-esteem is incredibly low - of course she'll think it's not fair on you to stay with her. She's being irrational because she's not confident. If you do like her, you should try your best to stick with her - it might even help her feel better if you do.
    thats what i was thinking.

    and yeh of course i like her, she's absolutely amazing, i feel closer to her than i have to anyone in a long time, i'd do anything for her.

    i just don't want to force her into staying with me if thats not what she wants. my first reaction to her saying we should end it was 'no', she then replied with 'i don't think it quite works like that'. i'm hoping i just need to convince her that i'm perfectly happy staying with her, and it will all be fine
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    I dont think she means it. She is probably in a real state and is panicking over what to do. I have been in a relationship while depressed which was awful, as the person I was with was in a worse state than me! In the end, I finished it as it was destructive and making things worse for the both of us. However, if you are a strong enough person to stick by her and to cope with everything, then there is no reason why you cant get through this together. I think she was thinking that it would be best for you if she ended it, but if you talk to her and tell her you WANT to be with her and want to support her, then I am sure she will reconsider what she said. Good luck to the both of you.
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    (Original post by jinglepupskye)
    Alternatively she is using the 'depression' as an excuse to break up with you.

    You need to talk to her and establish the truth of the situation as she may just be trying to avoid hurting you.
    she's really really not using it as an excuse, i'm perfectly sure of that.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thats what i was thinking.

    and yeh of course i like her, she's absolutely amazing, i feel closer to her than i have to anyone in a long time, i'd do anything for her.

    i just don't want to force her into staying with me if thats not what she wants. my first reaction to her saying we should end it was 'no', she then replied with 'i don't think it quite works like that'. i'm hoping i just need to convince her that i'm perfectly happy staying with her, and it will all be fine
    Maybe confront her that you think she's only saying that for those reasons, and tell her you don't want to just abandon her?
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    Even if she refuses to stay in a relationship with you try and stay atleast on a close friendship basis with her. When in the midst of depression all people really need is support (whether they choose to believe it or not!)
    When she eventually comes out of this bout of depression then she will hopefully realise she made a mistake and you can pick up where you left off although I'm not saying that it'll be easy.
    Trust me on this as I've been through the same thing.
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    When i get in a depressive mood - i like to be alone.

    So just give her some space.

    Let her end it, but still be around. Give her signs that you're still interested, keep texting her etc..but let her do what she needs to do.
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    I'd tell her that you want to stick around and help her, but she may not want you to and it's ultimately her choice. She might want to be alone and not have to deal with the pressure of having a boyfriend. If that's the case, can you offer to be there for her as a friend?
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    She's doing you a favour dude, depressed girls can be a real drain...you'll just be carrying excess baggage. You should be thankful she's letting you out, she obviously knows it's not fair on you to be in a relationship with a miserable person. Go enjoy your youth dude, go rock out with your **** out :cool:
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    I have bi-polar disorder, and it's very difficult during depression to believe that anyone could love you; it's easy to think that you're a 'burden' and so on.

    It's very hard, if you haven't suffered a similar mental health disorder, to get into the mind of someone who does. It's irrational, it makes absolutely no sense! To us, when we're depressed, everything seems skewed and 'wrong'. It's extremely hard to describe it, especially as every depression is different.

    Just stay close to her, give her the support she needs. When she comes out of it (and she will, however long it takes), she'll be happy you were there.

    I did a similar thing when Tom first encountered my depression, I stayed away from him (well, the world really). Almost two years on and we're happy as Larry (though I am medicated now). Don't push her, but let her know you're there for her.
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    I'll divert slightly from most of the advices given: agree to end it.

    Through that I'm not saying that you should leave her to the wind, but as a boyfriend you'll have the feeling that you need to be there for her, that it is your responsibility to try to make her happy again and so on. It's a ****** situation to be in -- I was in a similar one about a year and a half ago. I don't think my then-girlfriend was clinically depressed, but the was extremely stressed out over school, thus was unable to do much work because she was panicking over it, leading to even more panic, and -- well, yeah, I think you see the pattern.

    In any case, I did my best to try to comfort her, keep her above the surface and such. Hell, who wouldn't. I loved her. But the situation started dragging me down as well, not to mention that the times I was feeling down for one reason or the other, there was no back-up in the relationship. It all just faded out after three months or so; whatever spark we had had was entirely extinguished, and since then we've gone on to live our own lives in separate places.

    Be there for the girl as a friend; it might be psychologically cumbersome for both of you to be in a relationship. You still like her in "that way" though, and you seem to be up to the task, so help her to the best of your ability. If fate wills it, she will want your relationship back when the storms ridden out.

    Good luck mate.
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    (Original post by Playboy King)
    She's doing you a favour dude, depressed girls can be a real drain...you'll just be carrying excess baggage. You should be thankful she's letting you out, she obviously knows it's not fair on you to be in a relationship with a miserable person. Go enjoy your youth dude, go rock out with your **** out :cool:
    Wow, you sound like a really sensitive and loyal guy. When you encounter a real relationship, where somebody you genuinely love and care for is going through emotional turmoil, you will alter your views.

    OP, as others have said, it is probably her depression speaking. She probably thinks she is a burden and that you would be better off without her. If you think you are up to supporting her through it, you need to tell her so. You need to reassure her that you love her and are willing to be there for her.
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    (Original post by *Darcie*)
    Wow, you sound like a really sensitive and loyal guy. When you encounter a real relationship, where somebody you genuinely love and care for is going through emotional turmoil, you will alter your views.
    In marriage, perhaps. In a relationship during my early years, I don't think so. I think OP's girlfriend is sensible in allowing him to get out of it and let him enjoy his life.

    It's nothing to do with being insensitive or disloyal, it's a mutual agreement. A relationship is much like a clause for which both sign up for under certain conditions. If those conditions change and the relationship is no longer serving the purpose it was supposed to then it's perfectly acceptable to end it. If you expect your boyfriends to stay with you whilst you're all miserable and mentally psycho then I feel sorry for them, and I think you'll find they'll inevitably leave.
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    (Original post by Playboy King)
    In marriage, perhaps. In a relationship during my early years, I don't think so. I think OP's girlfriend is sensible in allowing him to get out of it and let him enjoy his life.

    It's nothing to do with being insensitive or disloyal, it's a mutual agreement. A relationship is much like a clause for which both sign up for under certain conditions. If those conditions change and the relationship is no longer serving the purpose it was supposed to then it's perfectly acceptable to end it. If you expect your boyfriends to stay with you whilst you're all miserable and mentally psycho then I feel sorry for them, and I think you'll find they'll inevitably leave.
    It is your prerogative to not want to remain in a relationship if it becomes too emotionally intense. That's a personal choice. But the OP obviously cares enough about his girlfriend to be willing to ride out the storm.
    • #3
    #3

    You're a lovely guy for caring about her enough to try and help her, and for being understanding. I'd suggest that you stick with her, if you're willing to. She probably doesn't want to break up with you- she just doesn't want to burden you. A breakup and the lonliness that would bring may just spiral her into a deeper depression. It doesn't have to be a burden on you- chances are, all she really wants is for someone to understand. Let her know that you're not going to leave her and that you're there for her. Let her talk. Depression is ridiculously frustrating and isolating, but remember that she can get over it with the right help. Even just knowing that someone isn't going to give up on you can help. Maybe if you let her know that you trust her- for example, maybe confide in her about something that has happened to you- just something to let her feel like she doesn'y have to be perfect. If you do decide to break up, then make sure that you stay close friends and help her through it by visiting her often etc. Good luck! xx
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    She certainly needs support, but she may not need the complications of a relationship at the moment. When I had my last serious bout of depression I did want my then-boyfriend to be there, although I felt unbelievably guilty for involving him in it. I imagine she feels the same. The worst thing about my depression was the guilt. My stomach still turns when I think about it. It's horrific. So don't get too insistant if she's sure she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, as it will make her feel even more guilty no matter what she decides to do. She's not asking you to abandon her, she'd probably really appreciate your support in a platonic relationship once she feels ready to confide in someone. In the meantime, suggest going on a break and seeing how it goes when she's feeling better. Give her some space, but maintain some contact so that she doesn't feel "abandoned." Maybe once she comes through this particular bout of depression, she'll realise how much you were there for her and will want to be in a relationship again. Bear in mind though that even if you do stay together through this, she almost certainly won't want to do anything physically intimate. Whatever you do, don't expect things to be anything approaching "normal." Don't put any sort of pressure on her.

    Personally, speaking from experience (of both sides, to a certain extent, of this problem) I feel that you can't be in a stable relationship if you're unstable yourself. Let her get through this in whatever way she can. She will need help, but, difficult as it may be to accept, you may not be the right person to provide it at the moment.
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    Make sure she gets proper medical advice then you can both be thinking clearly about what is best for your relationship.
 
 
 
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