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Bad/Good Break-up...Please Help

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years split up 4 weeks ago when I moved from Manchester back to Scotland to pursue my career as a pilot in the RAF. She is not really willing to move up here with me, nor is she keen to move around with me when I join the RAF, understandably. She has her own life to get on with as do I.

What I am trying to get at though is that we are such a good couple, never fight, always loving, fantastic sex life, best friends, have an amazing time together even just going for walks or going to the cinema, she is by far the best friend I have ever had. Anyway, we discussed splitting up because we would be so far apart and we have lived out of each others pockets now for 2 years and we love each other so much that it would be hard not seeing each other for weeks on end. We split up on such good terms that it has been a really bad break up if that makes sense. I think about her every hour of every day, I fantasize about her constantly. She says she does the same, we are so identical to each other, like soul mates or something.

What I want from you guys is some helpful advice. I love her so much, she loves me so much, it is pretty clear in the perfect world what must be done, but as always its not a perfect world. Careers come first, and money gets in the way of happiness as usual.

I want her, but I can't have her, its like this invisible force field between us. I don't know what I can do. I just want to be happy and being with her will make both of us happy.

Please help...

Cal

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I really don't know what to say, It's a really difficult situation. I guess you have to decide on what's more important to you, your career or her? Hope whatever you choose makes you happy though :smile:
Reply 2
I reckon that you should live life by the day, and do what makes the both of you happy, i'm in a similar situation and that's what my boyfriend and I have decided to do... It's a hard situation though!

Follow your heart, you can't take possessions with you, but you can take memories, and experiences....
and i'm not remotely religious!
Reply 3
I don't think it's an ultimatum - girl or career. Move away and do your thing, if you're that close it'll still work, it may work long distance, she may decide to move with you or may change career, or you might drift apart, in which case it won't be worth worrying about. Make sure you go away though in 5 years if you're still together you'll regret it if you're in a ****** job.
Reply 4
This may be a bit harsh, but I think that you made the right choice to pursue your career. Although you obviously love your ex girlfriend and (..currently..) want a future with this girl, girlfriends come and go. If you decided to stay, you may end up resenting your girlfriend because you decided to put your career on hold for her. I believe in fate and if it is meant to be, it will be. Maybe 1, 5, 10 years down the line, you'll get back together (or perhaps you'll decide to do the long distance thing). I hope so. You sound like you were great together :smile: and by then, you will be in a better position to move in with each other, etc and make more of a go with her if you are still serious about her.
Reply 5
Just move on with your life. If its leant to be it'll happen but if she doesnt want to follow you in the forces then you'll find it really tough to keep a successful relationship going.
Reply 6
There is not much I can do is there?

I'll tell you what it feels like, it feels like she has died, because i'm still in love with her and there was nothing bad that happened to break us up. Its just like I can't have her because she doesn't exist and that is hard, because if she had cheated on me then I would have a proper excuse to get over her.

I don't want to sound like i'm saying that me and her were perfect together, because thats what love is, when you are in love you feel like life is perfect, so i know that you guys have been through this too. The problem is that its such a lame thing at my age to split up over, she has a car, I have a car. I just thought that if you love someone enough then you do anything for each other to stay together.

On the other hand, I do need to pursue my dream because who knows what might come along, but it all seems so far away. What if I don't get accepted to be a pilot? What if she moves on, and I'm left with no career and no perfect girlfriend? What if I regret letting her go so easily in future?
Reply 7
mankyscot2
There is not much I can do is there?

I'll tell you what it feels like, it feels like she has died, because i'm still in love with her and there was nothing bad that happened to break us up. Its just like I can't have her because she doesn't exist and that is hard, because if she had cheated on me then I would have a proper excuse to get over her.

I don't want to sound like i'm saying that me and her were perfect together, because thats what love is, when you are in love you feel like life is perfect, so i know that you guys have been through this too. The problem is that its such a lame thing at my age to split up over, she has a car, I have a car. I just thought that if you love someone enough then you do anything for each other to stay together.

On the other hand, I do need to pursue my dream because who knows what might come along, but it all seems so far away. What if I don't get accepted to be a pilot? What if she moves on, and I'm left with no career and no perfect girlfriend? What if I regret letting her go so easily in future?


I've been in a kinda similar situation and when I got back together with the person it made me realise that distance had made me forget the imperfections of the relationship. Could this be happening here?

It's not an easy decision you made, but you made the decision that followed your dream. If you decided not to persue becoming a pilot, I'm sure you would regret this and end up resenting her.

Couldn't you have a long-distance relationship? At least until you find out if you're going to make it as a pilot?

If not, remember, you're only young, you went with your gut feeling - which generally turns out the right thing to do!!

And, finally... awwwwww :redface:
Reply 8
puk2184
I've been in a kinda similar situation and when I got back together with the person it made me realise that distance had made me forget the imperfections of the relationship. Could this be happening here?

It's not an easy decision you made, but you made the decision that followed your dream. If you decided not to persue becoming a pilot, I'm sure you would regret this and end up resenting her.

Couldn't you have a long-distance relationship? At least until you find out if you're going to make it as a pilot?

If not, remember, you're only young, you went with your gut feeling - which generally turns out the right thing to do!!

And, finally... awwwwww :redface:

Yeah I know you are right, but I just want to be with her. I'm not sure there is anything I can do to get her back, I was just wanting advice and some sympathy really.

You could be right about the distance making me feel like she is more perfect than real life but at the end of the day, it was only 4 weeks ago that we were a normal couple and i don't think I would be making things up after just that long. I promise you we had a fantastic relationship, I think she is the one. But what can you do.

Cheers for the help. And the sympathy.

Cal
Reply 9
It seems like one of those follow your mind or follow your heart dilemmas. Whatever makes you happiest, most fulfilled - not in a selfish sense but just that. At the same time you have to do what is logical, practical as well as what is most loving and fair.

But if your life is incomplete without her and vice versa then you may both end up with regrets whatever you decide to do. Either way there has to be some loss and sacrifice. Is there no way at all that she would consider moving up with you? Ever? =0(

I really hope there is some way of you working it out between you.
Reply 10
Jayjayjay
It seems like one of those follow your mind or follow your heart dilemmas. Whatever makes you happiest, most fulfilled - not in a selfish sense but just that. At the same time you have to do what is logical, practical as well as what is most loving and fair.

But if your life is incomplete without her and vice versa then you may both end up with regrets whatever you decide to do. Either way there has to be some loss and sacrifice. Is there no way at all that she would consider moving up with you? Ever? =0(

I really hope there is some way of you working it out between you.

I have just been speaking to her and she says she is too scared of moving out with someone else and she cannot leave her family.

She also said that if it was that easy, she would spend the rest of her life with me, but she says that its not that easy. She says that she is not ready for that commitment yet.
Reply 11
mankyscot2
I have just been speaking to her and she says she is too scared of moving out with someone else and she cannot leave her family.

She also said that if it was that easy, she would spend the rest of her life with me, but she says that its not that easy. She says that she is not ready for that commitment yet.


Maybe she will change her mind in months, years to come...or is that too long?
Reply 12
All good things are worth waiting for!
Reply 13
Definately. *Still waiting* :wink:
Hey Cal :smile:

If you think that she is the one, then she will be worth waiting for. I remember you speaking about going into the oil business if the RAF didn't work. Was this a product of hoping to get a stable job in order to continue your relationship? It's easy for people to tell you that girlfriends come and go and you'll get over it. I know how much she meant to you. We both know how important a career in the RAF is to you, as well as how amazingly hard it is to get. It isn't something you could shelve for anyone unless you were absolutly sure. I would never have dreamt of giving something like it up for anyone, but I would for Wzz. It's been 4 weeks and you must have had time to think about it. What is your gut reaction? I think she may have made her feelings clear when she said she isn't ready for the kind of lifelong commitment. If you have been with someone for 2 years then you know if you want the commitment or not.

I don't know if that helps any. Give me a call if you ever want to talk, or even a PM. :redface:
Reply 15
Do you have to go to this particular place in Scotland to train? Or can you go somewhere else?
Its not in Scotland to train, Its at RAFC Cranwell in Lincolnshire. Being in the RAF means moving pretty much every 2 years. Alot of people just don't want that if they want to settle down and have a family.
Reply 17
mankyscot2
Me and my girlfriend of 2 years split up 4 weeks ago when I moved from Manchester back to Scotland to pursue my career as a pilot in the RAF. She is not really willing to move up here with me, nor is she keen to move around with me when I join the RAF, understandably. She has her own life to get on with as do I.

What I am trying to get at though is that we are such a good couple, never fight, always loving, fantastic sex life, best friends, have an amazing time together even just going for walks or going to the cinema, she is by far the best friend I have ever had. Anyway, we discussed splitting up because we would be so far apart and we have lived out of each others pockets now for 2 years and we love each other so much that it would be hard not seeing each other for weeks on end. We split up on such good terms that it has been a really bad break up if that makes sense. I think about her every hour of every day, I fantasize about her constantly. She says she does the same, we are so identical to each other, like soul mates or something.

What I want from you guys is some helpful advice. I love her so much, she loves me so much, it is pretty clear in the perfect world what must be done, but as always its not a perfect world. Careers come first, and money gets in the way of happiness as usual.

I want her, but I can't have her, its like this invisible force field between us. I don't know what I can do. I just want to be happy and being with her will make both of us happy.

Please help...

Cal


Thing is, if you're gonna be miserable for the rest of your life - and her for the rest of her life - just cus you opted for career over her, then what's the point?

You can have a career and a pilot career any point in life (add on a dose of luck and good opportunity) - but you're only ever gonna meet this girl once. There isn't gonna be another "her". Depends how much you love her, or she loves you. Can't one or both of you make some sacrifices and be together instead?

And if that really will never work, then I say get over her gradually. You'll find someone else, she'll find someone else. But stay friends the two of you :smile: although I'd give it a serious think whether career really is that important, even more important than someone you love - it's not something you can really go back on after a time.

And why can't you have a long distance relationship?
Reply 18
mankyscot2
Me and my girlfriend of 2 years split up 4 weeks ago when I moved from Manchester back to Scotland to pursue my career as a pilot in the RAF. She is not really willing to move up here with me, nor is she keen to move around with me when I join the RAF, understandably. She has her own life to get on with as do I.

What I am trying to get at though is that we are such a good couple, never fight, always loving, fantastic sex life, best friends, have an amazing time together even just going for walks or going to the cinema, she is by far the best friend I have ever had. Anyway, we discussed splitting up because we would be so far apart and we have lived out of each others pockets now for 2 years and we love each other so much that it would be hard not seeing each other for weeks on end. We split up on such good terms that it has been a really bad break up if that makes sense. I think about her every hour of every day, I fantasize about her constantly. She says she does the same, we are so identical to each other, like soul mates or something.

What I want from you guys is some helpful advice. I love her so much, she loves me so much, it is pretty clear in the perfect world what must be done, but as always its not a perfect world. Careers come first, and money gets in the way of happiness as usual.

I want her, but I can't have her, its like this invisible force field between us. I don't know what I can do. I just want to be happy and being with her will make both of us happy.

Please help...

Cal


ok, i'm really not an expert on relationships, but i reckon you should just go on with what you're doing. if you two are meant to be together (and i don't mean that in a cheesy way, i'm just trying to say that if you really are the perfect people for each other) then i reckon you'll find a way to be together. obviously you are serious about joining the RAF - otherwise you wouldn't have moved to scotland - and i don't really think that you should sacrifice your hopes for the future in order to be with her, just as she shouldn't have to - and hasn't had to - give up her life to be with you. clearly, she isn't ready at the moment to deal with service life (and i don't blame her - i was a military brat, i know it can be hard to get used to the constant moving) but if she really cares about you and you really care about her then i think that you'll find ways to compromise in the end - either she'll accept your choice of career, or you'll decide that she's more important to you than being a pilot is. at least give it a go before you make that decision.
irisng
Thing is, if you're gonna be miserable for the rest of your life - and her for the rest of her life - just cus you opted for career over her, then what's the point?

You can have a career and a pilot career any point in life (add on a dose of luck and good opportunity) - but you're only ever gonna meet this girl once. There isn't gonna be another "her". Depends how much you love her, or she loves you. Can't one or both of you make some sacrifices and be together instead?

And if that really will never work, then I say get over her gradually. You'll find someone else, she'll find someone else. But stay friends the two of you :smile: although I'd give it a serious think whether career really is that important, even more important than someone you love - it's not something you can really go back on after a time.

And why can't you have a long distance relationship?

Unfortunatly it is never that simple with the forces. You can only become a pilot up to the age of 23 so he doesn't have forever to be one. Moving around can be quite stressful for a civillian partner who constantly have to upheave their lives every two years. If Cal does get into the RAF then he will go through Initial Officer Training where he will be lucky to get a few days off to see his girlfriend. After that comes flying training where, because Cal wants to be a fighter pilot, he needs to really study and achieve the best results he can. It isn't easy at the best of times :frown: