Turn on thread page Beta

How do I tell my dad I'm not marrying the guy he wants me to marry? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ipulledhermione)
    no one can really understand the emotional turmoil inside you - and how you cant simply go against everything you have been nrought up with. This will be happening to me soon. What can I say - I just hope that you can take whatever step neccasary to preserve your own happiness.

    Maybe I should anon this post too - because you wouldnt guess that someone like me is under the same ****** up pressures of asian society.

    xxxxxxxxx
    Exactly, if you go againts your parents, it's just, I can't even explain it.
    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it too! I hope it works out for you too.
    xxxxxxxxxx
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    i find it funny that in a society where we discourage forcing people into marriages we have people exercising it.

    Remind your father what country you live in. Remind him that not one decent British citizen supports this kind of action.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know it's true, because i've talked to my aunty about it, and she said she can only advise him, nothing more. When she talked to him on the phone, she said "don't force your children into marriage" and he went quiet and changed the topic.

    I want to talk to him about it though, because the guy and his family think im there daughter-in-law already, I don't want to leave it till too long, and then them saying "well you made us wait!" It's just gonna cause so much problems

    Thank you
    aw i really feel for ya,
    so the best option imo now would be for you to build up the courage and talk to your dad about this, but do it in a decent manner calmly, i know its daunting but it's the only way you'll be able to try and find a solution from this situation and will take some of the worry of your mind.

    But if you are forced and pressured into marriage please don't do it just for the sake of your parents it wont help or get you anywhere you'll feel trapped and it would be best to not marry at all.
    Is there anyway someone else in your family that could change his mind maybe?

    I really hope you find a solution to this pm me if you want to chat/advice anytime. :console:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Keep your distance from the guy and his family. Don't say anything to your father unless he mentions it, and when he does say you aren't ready for marriage and you don't like the guy. Also talk to your mother if it is possible.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    just say no

    whats he gonna do
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    LOL tried that, it just makes him angry, and somehow draws him more to the idea of me marrying that guy. I didn't mention that this guy lives in another country, so my dad could possibly take me on "holiday" and then i'm I have no where to run to!
    Er, don't go?
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    There is no way you can go along with this. Procrastinate. If he askes you to marry, strike a deal by insisting that it doesn't happen until you've finished uni (or if you don't plan to go to uni, until you are 21). Once you've finished uni you'll be in a much better position to refuse. Shortly after finishing uni you'll be able to get a job, rent a flat and will be able to become completely independent if necessary.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I can easily say no, he'll shout his lungs out and bring the whole house down with him, then when I keep contesting and he'll make me think he agrees with my decision.
    But, then he starts emotionally blackmailing me, "what haven't I given you? I've spent my whole life giving you everything, and now I ask you for one thing, you turn me away? What kind of daughter are you?"
    He's good at that, I know parents are right most times, but sometimes they're just so! Ugh!
    If it was anything else I would've agreed, but i'm going to spend the rest of my life with this guy, I can't just marry anyone!
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    hahahaha your dad had his eye on a guy for you? i forgot some religions were stuck in medieval times.
    tell him to stfu and youl marry who you please.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I understand your quandary. Fathers tend to be very stubborn about everything - I know how hard it is to budge MY Dad on any given issue! And your Dad sounds about as "typical" as any. Unfortunately, the only real solution is to talk to your Dad about it. Sit him down and just be honest - explain how you found out the information, and tell him why you don't want to marry this guy. Don't lose your temper, either, whatever you do.

    If that doesn't work... well, then you're going to have to get creative. Get your family in on it and try and rally support against the decision.

    If THAT doesn't work... then you may have to consider more drastic things. It's very hard to choose against your family, but you're right - this is someone you're spending the rest of your life with. Not something you want to go into lightly.

    One last tidbit of advice: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Nothing is forever, even your father's wrath.

    Good luck :top:.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Jamjar)
    Why do BEM immigrants bring their alien cultural troubles here? Just go away.
    BEM?
    • #4
    #4

    :hugs:

    I can't begin to imagine how must feel OP. Anyway as an Asian myself (I'm assuming you're an Asian Muslim, if not then sorry) I thought I'd share my thoughts.

    Talk to him or your mum. And I know how asians will try to do the whole emotional blackmail thing so then you eventually have to cave, but please don't. If they try to emotionally blackmail you (you the know the whole 'I've promised you to him, if you say no how will I show my face to the community? Don't you care about the izzat of your family etc) tell them that they can't force you into doing anything you don't want to do. It's against Islam, illegal and just plain wrong.

    Even if he does the 'you will no longer be my daughter' thing, he won't really. He will understand (eventually). A lot of the asian dads I know are fiercely overprotective of their daughters and often select the 'right' (pah!) groom for her, usually the son of a friend/wealthy acquantaince. I guess he's trying to do whats best for you, even though it totally isn't, I guess he doesnt understand that it may not actually be whats best for you. He'll come round in time.

    The 'holiday' bit reminded me of that book 'unarranged marriage'.

    Urm yeah, sorry I couldn't be of much help OP :dontknow: it's late and I'm not making a lot of sense. stay strong!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Demon_AS)
    I understand your quandary. Fathers tend to be very stubborn about everything - I know how hard it is to budge MY Dad on any given issue! And your Dad sounds about as "typical" as any. Unfortunately, the only real solution is to talk to your Dad about it. Sit him down and just be honest - explain how you found out the information, and tell him why you don't want to marry this guy. Don't lose your temper, either, whatever you do.

    If that doesn't work... well, then you're going to have to get creative. Get your family in on it and try and rally support against the decision.

    If THAT doesn't work... then you may have to consider more drastic things. It's very hard to choose against your family, but you're right - this is someone you're spending the rest of your life with. Not something you want to go into lightly.

    One last tidbit of advice: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Nothing is forever, even your father's wrath.

    Good luck :top:.
    Thankyou, I always get scared and make excuses, like i'll talk to him tomorow, but of course tommorow never comes!
    But, I'll try and do that. Thankyou again.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Really sorry to hear about this. Perhaps, put off the marriage or whatever, and in the mean time, find another guy? That your dad may hopefully approve of?
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    LOL tried that, it just makes him angry, and somehow draws him more to the idea of me marrying that guy. I didn't mention that this guy lives in another country, so my dad could possibly take me on "holiday" and then i'm I have no where to run to!
    Call the Forced Marriage Unit on 020 7008 0151 for advice. If you're going on holiday and are worried what might happen, they can arrange for the local embassy to act as a safe house for you to escape to if you need it (the FMU is part of the FCO).

    Get a debit card for your bank account if you can that way you can always check-in to a hotel in an emergency.

    Karma Nirvana (http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/ - 0800 5999 247) is a charity that specializes in helping forced marriage victims and might be able to help you.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

    (Original post by ipulledhermione)
    Maybe I should anon this post too - because you wouldnt guess that someone like me is under the same ****** up pressures of asian society.

    xxxxxxxxx

    Same advice above for you too.
    • #5
    #5

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But, then he starts emotionally blackmailing me, "what haven't I given you? I've spent my whole life giving you everything, and now I ask you for one thing, you turn me away? What kind of daughter are you?"
    He's good at that, I know parents are right most times, but sometimes they're just so! Ugh!
    If it was anything else I would've agreed, but i'm going to spend the rest of my life with this guy, I can't just marry anyone!
    if you already know hes going to emotionally blackmail you then surely it wont effect you ? you know that you would do anything else for him. you know that you are grateful for all the things he had done for you

    you really need to have a chat with him about this and earlier rather than latter. the longer he thinks that you arent bothered by marrying this guy the more it will hurt him when he finds out.

    just explain that you appreciate what hes done but that it would ruin the rest of your life if you did what he wants. would he want you to be so unhappy for the rest of your life ? i doubt he would do !
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    when you'[re talking to him, just relax, do a wee wee and a poop, and say... oops sorry.... this happens alot when i orgasm too.
    Offline

    11
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, the guy knows and wanted to marry me even before these past few years! But I don't like him in the slightest!
    Make him dislike you somehow?

    It's a hard situation.

    Maybe find someone you do like and suggest him to your dad? Find something bad out about the guy, something your dad may dislike and tell your dad?

    How long do you have before, you will certainly be made to marry him?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by EmiPark)
    Make him dislike you somehow?

    It's a hard situation.

    Maybe find someone you do like and suggest him to your dad? Find something bad out about the guy, something your dad may dislike and tell your dad?

    How long do you have before, you will certainly be made to marry him?
    In order for my dad to accept the guy that I chose, he has to be of a certain strict criteria, and that's almost impossible to find!

    My dad's brainwashed, a year back (When I had no clue about this) I heard that guy did some disgusting things, Me and my brother told my dad, and he refused to believe it he goes, "no, it's not true".

    I have about a year.

    I'm thinking sooner is better than later, i'm going to have to do it and talk to him
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Keep Anon or delete please.
    My dad has had a guy in mind for me since the past few years, by the way, he hasn't told me that, I found out from someone else - my cousin told me.
    I don't like the guy, because I know who he is (I hardly ever talk to him) and i've always seen him as a friend/brother...
    My dad is very strict religiously and about everything! And he's one who wont take no for an answer!
    I don't know what to do, how do I tell him? What if he kicks me out of the house, or never speaks to me again? He might try and use emotional blackmail on me too..
    The reason I don't wanna marry the guy is as I said before, and also but looks wise he's not my type (no I don't mean he doesn't look like Brad Pitt, but he's not my type), also he's not very educated and I just DON'T LIKE HIM!
    Please help you guys, this is affecting my studies and has taken over my whole life!
    Only serious answers please.
    If you're muslim, tell him straight off that forced marriage is haram in Islam.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 17, 2010
Poll
Which accompaniment is best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.