Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Boyfriend smokes and does weed and it puts me right off. Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hey, just a little confused as to how to go about this.

    Basically I've only properly been with him about 2 weeks now but we've liked each other for a few months. He's so lovely in every other way- I find him attractive, funny and caring.

    BUT he's told me he's done weed before (which I don't mind about, if it's just to try it) but he's not open about it at all and the impression I got from one of his mates today (which shocked me a little tbh) was that he does it regularly and that's not something I find all too attractive if I'm honest.

    Also, I know he smokes regular cigs too which pisses me off even more- I find the whole concept of 'social smoking' ridiculous and weak-willed. Unlike the weed thing he has never told me about his smoking habit- I've smelt it on his breath a few times and have been utterly repulsed, and found a lighter in his room, and seen him wear smoking wristbands on nights out. One time a girl in our year asked him for a cigarette in front of me, and he said no, and clearly got really embarrassed about it.


    Thing is, I don't want to come across as rude or pushy by suggesting he stop. He's an adult after all and can do what he likes...but it's just becoming hard to deal with. I also don't think it's a big enough reason to break up with him at all because he's just so great otherwise, but to me both smoking and weed repulse me right out- I've never touched either cigs or spliffs and don't really intend to.

    I'm basically annoyed because I'm pretty much an open book with him in comparison, and that's what relationships should be about right? He's also soooo secretive with me about his past gfs and sexual experience. I'm really relatively unexperienced. He's only the second ever guy I've kissed in my life apart from my ex and I've never been further. I understand he's 2 years older to me so obviously it's likely he'll be more experienced, but really what's to hide from me?

    So basically guys....

    a) Am I overreacting by being turned off by his smoking and drug habits?
    b) Can I do anything to make him stop without coming across as bossy or clingy?
    c) How do I politely ask about his past gfs?

    Thanks x
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by G8D)
    If it bothers you tell him.
    If he takes it badly?
    Dump him.
    I'm agreeing with this. If he's not willing to stop, move on. I would.

    As for his past girlfriends, though, don't worry about them. That IS in the past.
    • #2
    #2

    Let him be and stop trying to mother him.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by G8D)
    If it bothers you tell him.
    If he takes it badly?
    Dump him.
    this
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    To get ****** by a weed smoker, or not. Up to you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Present an ultimatum? You or the drugs. It clearly bothers you, why put up with it if it makes you unhappy?
    Why do you care about his past gfs?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    At two weeks it's a bit early to start telling him how to run his life. But if the smell of smoke bothers you then tell him and just ask him to brush his teeth/have some chewing gum before he sees you. Problem solved, or at least covered up with a minty aroma.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Obviously doesn't put you RIGHT off because he is still your boyfriend.

    I hate to do a classic H&R response and tell you to dump him, but if you don't like how he is, don't go out with him.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by superwolf)
    At two weeks it's a bit early to start telling him how to run his life. But if the smell of smoke bothers you then tell him and just ask him to brush his teeth/have some chewing gum before he sees you. Problem solved, or at least covered up with a minty aroma.
    Yeah, I agree with this. It's silly to deliver a "QUIT SMOKING OR I QUIT" ultimatum after just two weeks. Personally I think you're overreacting but I guess I don't see anything with someone "doing weed" (lol) every now and then so whatever. At this point you can either learn to deal with it or you can end it.

    Why do you want to ask about his past girlfriends? Do you want to compare yourself to them? That's not gonna make you happy.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Lighten up, brah!
    If it repulses you that much, leave him, but I think it's rather too soon to presenting him with some kind of ultimatum..

    I don't think there should be an ultimatum mind you, changing a person to your tastes is no fun, mmkay.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Never try and change a person.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    get high together
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Okay you clearly have to talk to him about this. Don't be pushy and do not tell him to stop cause chances are that'll put him totally off you. Just explain that you don't like it. If you really like him, and he really likes you, then you need to work through this.

    And there is no need to be knowing about his past girlfriends - I'm not the slightest bit surprised that he doesn't want to talk to you about it really. At only two weeks, it really isn't necessary to know things about his exs. It just shows a lot of insecurity on your part.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by xkatx_sb)
    Okay you clearly have to talk to him about this. Don't be pushy and do not tell him to stop cause chances are that'll put him totally off you. Just explain that you don't like it. If you really like him, and he really likes you, then you need to work through this.

    And there is no need to be knowing about his past girlfriends - I'm not the slightest bit surprised that he doesn't want to talk to you about it really. At only two weeks, it really isn't necessary to know things about his exs. It just shows a lot of insecurity on your part.
    Ahhh thanks for your advice, makes sense.
    as i said i'm pretty inexperienced so i didn't really realise that it would make me seem insecure. but yeah i get where you're coming from and that's fair enough tbh.


    also to whoever said i was mothering him- I'm clearly not? that's the exact opposite of what i want to do which is why i am asking about it. jeez.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    And i reaaaally don't want to present an ultimatum. Far too dramatic esp. since we've only been together for such a short time. There's no need for that surely?
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Does it really matter if he smokes? Youre telling me that if you knew he smoked before you wouldntve gone near him?

    Doesnt sound like a great relationship already.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by THRASHx)
    Does it really matter if he smokes? Youre telling me that if you knew he smoked before you wouldntve gone near him?

    Doesnt sound like a great relationship already.
    I did know he smoked before. I like him despite that, he's amazing. It's just not something i feel comfortable about and would prefer he didn't do.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Just ignore it. It really doesn't have to be a big issue. Maybe when (if...) you've been together longer you can bring it up, but I'd be pissed off if someone told me to stop smoking two weeks into the relationship.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ahhh thanks for your advice, makes sense.
    as i said i'm pretty inexperienced so i didn't really realise that it would make me seem insecure. but yeah i get where you're coming from and that's fair enough tbh.


    also to whoever said i was mothering him- I'm clearly not? that's the exact opposite of what i want to do which is why i am asking about it. jeez.
    No problem!
    Hope it all works out for you
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If he is an occasionally pot smoker who really cares? I would place it somewhere between coffee and beer in terms of how it effects me. If you don't like it, and you are going to bring it up as a problem in the future, please end it now for his sake. A lot of my friends have been forced into corners by their girlfriends when they knew the deal when they started going out.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 17, 2010
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brexit voters: Do you stand by your vote?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.