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Boyfriend smokes and does weed and it puts me right off. watch

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    the only thing you have to worry about is him smoking weed. smoking cigarettes is a matter of personal choice and freedom and you shouldn't try and infringe on that, just becuase your his girlfriend doesn't give you that right. to be fair though, if you've never seen him smoke or hes never expressed a need for one whilst you've been around him then he clearly doesnt smoke that much. smoking weed is different. it changes and usually ruins people, you will end up with someone you dont recognise in the end. trust me, i've been there.
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    you're not his mum, chill out...maybe you could do with some weed if it's stressing you out this much haha. as for the past girlfriends, ask him when he's drunk.
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    Why do girls care so much about a guys sexual history? It doesn't matter, he is the person he is now, and you should take him for what he is, or not go out with him at all.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey, just a little confused as to how to go about this.

    Basically I've only properly been with him about 2 weeks now but we've liked each other for a few months. He's so lovely in every other way- I find him attractive, funny and caring.

    BUT he's told me he's done weed before (which I don't mind about, if it's just to try it) but he's not open about it at all and the impression I got from one of his mates today (which shocked me a little tbh) was that he does it regularly and that's not something I find all too attractive if I'm honest.

    Also, I know he smokes regular cigs too which pisses me off even more- I find the whole concept of 'social smoking' ridiculous and weak-willed. Unlike the weed thing he has never told me about his smoking habit- I've smelt it on his breath a few times and have been utterly repulsed, and found a lighter in his room, and seen him wear smoking wristbands on nights out. One time a girl in our year asked him for a cigarette in front of me, and he said no, and clearly got really embarrassed about it.


    Thing is, I don't want to come across as rude or pushy by suggesting he stop. He's an adult after all and can do what he likes...but it's just becoming hard to deal with. I also don't think it's a big enough reason to break up with him at all because he's just so great otherwise, but to me both smoking and weed repulse me right out- I've never touched either cigs or spliffs and don't really intend to.

    I'm basically annoyed because I'm pretty much an open book with him in comparison, and that's what relationships should be about right? He's also soooo secretive with me about his past gfs and sexual experience. I'm really relatively unexperienced. He's only the second ever guy I've kissed in my life apart from my ex and I've never been further. I understand he's 2 years older to me so obviously it's likely he'll be more experienced, but really what's to hide from me?

    So basically guys....

    a) Am I overreacting by being turned off by his smoking and drug habits?
    b) Can I do anything to make him stop without coming across as bossy or clingy?
    c) How do I politely ask about his past gfs?

    Thanks x
    Yeah, I can tell why he is 'secretive' tbh. You come across as very pushy. A bloke generally isn't going to tell a girl much when they're going to most likely over-react or whatever.

    We're not morons.
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    Pssssssssssssst.......


    How about you try and NOT change him to conform to exactly what you want..... let him be, if you can't deal with his smoking **** or weed thats your problem, not his.
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    'He smokes and does weed': does he not smoke the weed?

    Sorry for being pedantic, but I never understand why people say 'he does weed' when they would never say 'he does alcohol' or 'he does cigarettes'.
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    (Original post by G8D)
    If it bothers you tell him.
    If he takes it badly?
    Dump him.
    This :yes:
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    #1

    ok guys, thanks for all your replies.
    as i said i'm pretty inexperienced so i hadn't really realised that i would come across as pushy, and this is the last thing i want so i'm going to just overlook it. about not changing someone and taking them for who they are- that's a really fair point and it hadn't struck me that i was going against this...in the end no-one is perfect and to be honest his positives far far far outweigh any of this, and i don't want to risk losing him.

    i'm pretty sure i've got enough flaws of my own.
    thanks to all of you for being blunt- i think that's what i needed.

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    (Original post by babythestarsshinebright)
    you're not his mum, chill out...maybe you could do with some weed if it's stressing you out this much haha. as for the past girlfriends, ask him when he's drunk.
    This

    But seriously what is it about girls and knowing everything about your past, like miners, and often when they've exhausted the source they got bored and move on, I only answer a third of the questions my girlfriend asks me about exes

    (Original post by G8D)
    If it bothers you tell him.
    If he takes it badly?
    Dump him.
    What? This is the worst advice on this thread, dump him if he takes you being a control freak badly? If within two weeks my girlfriend was trying to change me already I'd run a thousand miles to be honest, I don't really see what the issue is if he doesn't do it around you, you sound a bit pathetic to me OP, as do you G8D
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    (Original post by a_t)
    What? This is the worst advice on this thread, dump him if he takes you being a control freak badly? If within two weeks my girlfriend was trying to change me already I'd run a thousand miles to be honest, I don't really see what the issue is if he doesn't do it around you, you sound a bit pathetic to me OP, as do you G8D
    Agreed.
    Ive been with my girlfriend almost a year and a half and if she asked me to stop smoking weed/cigarettes id probably go all moody and then shed say to forget she ever said anything.
    Point is, I wouldnt do it if my girlfriend asked who ive been with this long, if she asked after 2 weeks id probably have just laughed at her.
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    your fault for being/dating a chav
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    Start smoking. You'll very quickly find it no longer repulses you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    a) Am I overreacting by being turned off by his smoking and drug habits?
    b) Can I do anything to make him stop without coming across as bossy or clingy?
    Well, I think you are but each to their own. I don't find it weird you find it unattractive but I find it weird it clearly bothers you so much. If he isn't smoking/doing drugs very often or around you I don't see why it's such a big deal. Perhaps you can come to some arrangement whereby he doesn't smoke around you or before coming to see you (so you can't smell it on his breath). We all have our little vices - there might be something you do that he can't stand. If it's really that big a problem though, I think now might be a good time to call at a day with it being early days of the relationship. He's probably not going to be willing to give up smoking for somebody he's only just started dating so the best you can hope for is some sort of comprimise you're happy with, although if it was me, I'd tell you where to go.


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    c) How do I politely ask about his past gfs?
    Just ask without sounding like you're probing or want every last detail. Perhaps you'd be better off not knowing though, seen as though it seems to bother you that he's probably more experienced than you are. Ignorance is bliss as they say.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    your fault for being/dating a chav
    Grow up.

    OP just relax, from what you said it doesn't sound habitual and as long as he doesn't do it around you then just let him be. I can understand you might be worried about his health (I would be too) but it's a bit early to act upon it now. Perhaps when you're more serious and have been together longer you can bring it up and say you care for his health.

    But don't try and change him...he might take it the wrong way even though your intentions are good.
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    (Original post by me, myself and I)
    I can understand you might be worried about his health (I would be too) but it's a bit early to act upon it now. Perhaps when you're more serious and have been together longer you can bring it up and say you care for his health
    Bull****. As she pointed out, she cares solely herself like all anti-smokers. Claiming it's about his 'health' is spin that even Alastair Campbell wouldn't touch.
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    (Original post by foxo)
    Bull****. As she pointed out, she cares solely herself like all anti-smokers. Claiming it's about his 'health' is spin that even Alastair Campbell wouldn't touch.
    Exactly

    (Original post by G8D)
    I don't see why.
    This isn't a question of what is right and wrong (in terms of drug taking/smoking/whatever), it is a question of whether OP is comfortable being around someone with an attitude such as her boyfriend.

    Regardless of how long they have been going out, if she can't get over this and he won't change then it will never work.
    What attitude is this? Being open minded, not a total prude and enjoying some indulgence? She wants him to stop something he enjoys doing which impacts her in no way

    He shouldn't change as it will just start a slippery slope where she slowly erodes away at the person he is due to her whims, considering the OP has only kissed one other boy she is probably also a 16 year old girl with zero life experience who, tbh knows **** all

    Her attitude, and yours are both terrible
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    (Original post by G8D)
    And due to both of their stubbornness and rejection of "open mindedness" (in both directions) the relationship will not work in the long term.
    It isnt in both directions though, the guy isnt even aware of this 'problem' his girlfriend has with him smoking. Quite rightly too, why should there be a problem?
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    #1

    (Original post by a_t)

    He shouldn't change as it will just start a slippery slope where she slowly erodes away at the person he is due to her whims, considering the OP has only kissed one other boy she is probably also a 16 year old girl with zero life experience who, tbh knows **** all

    Her attitude, and yours are both terrible
    For the record- I am not 'a 16 year old girl with zero life experience'. Just because I haven't kissed dozens of guys does not equate to me knowing **** all. It's people like you who fuel the ever-growing expanse of people on TSR posting threads about whether they'll die a virgin or not just because they haven't kissed/lost their virginity by X age. Comments like that are really not necessary.

    /rant

    On a more positive note i can completely see where you are coming from about him not having to change. If you go back a few posts you can see that this hadn't occurred to me before and tbh I am thankful you've all been blunt with me, it's what I needed. I am just a bit naive and simply didn't know- my ex was even less experienced than I was so I have never been in a situation where I'd know, and I've had a strict upbringing. Being at uni has finally given me the freedom to do what I like, and I'm still learning. Sorry you find my attitude 'terrible'
 
 
 
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