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    It feels so fake actually writing this stuff down and sharing it with other people - like it must be some sort of subconscious form of attention seeking, but I need some advice and don't quite know who to speak to. Thus, I have resolved to tell the whole student population!

    For the best part of the time, "behind closed doors", I'm angry and upset. I spend most of my time sleeping and have not felt awake in a very long time. Alone, I take huge tantrums at the smallest of things screaming to myself and crying. Or, I'll sink in to a self-centred and negative pool of emotion, where i mull over how much of a failure in life I am, allowing the tense feeling in the pit of my stomach to take control of mind and body. My boyfriend once asked me, "What are you really good at, what's your "thing"/passion?" and I truly found myself unable to answer this. At the comprehension of his words, I searched frantically within myself for a response. "I don't know" seemed to be all I could mustur, genuinely. It worries me that deep down I feel so hopeless. It's not even a superficial thing that can be solved by self realisation - this is my self realisation. I haven't truly laughed uncontrollably, as I often used to, for what I believe to be years. I cry a few times a day, three, four or even five days a week. I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about. Instead, on realising my behaviour, I forced myself to stop. I did this in every instance. But, the feeling of unhappiness does not seem to be one I can cure so easily by thinking. I see happy people and vow to myself that they must be kidding themselves. Underneath it all, I guess I don't see the point of it all. (I am sickened by how emo and whiney i sound!) I hate my life. I hate the relationship I have with my bf: i feel as though I'm really only arm candy, a sex toy, and that he is uninterested. I hate feeling like this, but he never makes any effort like he used to! And if he does, to me i feel like it just can't be genuine. All my school assignments are overdue, I miss school to try and catch up but end up wasting my time sleeping or indulging my negative feelings so teacher's are always on my case. I never feel ubeat, motivated or interested. Feeling down and crying seems to be my main hobby, and It's almost become my comfort zone, which sounds sickeningly odd. To me, happiness and enjoyment are things experienced by my "outward face": fun, popular, smart (often considered plastic until people get to know me and admit this!), carefree, happy: everything I should be, but in reality feel I am not. This side of me is held together procariously and at the smallest molehill I will breakdown and cry. My homelife is horrendous: I live only with my mother and we fight constantly. My house is unliveable in on every level. I'm not confident, any confidence I do show is feigned through willpower. I'm not happy. This really is quite pathetic now I read over it, but it's persistent and has been for a good couple of years now. I need help in understanding all this, how normal it is, whether I need help etc. Nobody knows - not even my therapist mother: now there's a predicament! I don't want to be this person, but i fear i have no choice anymore. I've lost control.

    Please crit this, give advice/otherwise comment. No hate please.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It feels so fake actually writing this stuff down and sharing it with other people - like it must be some sort of subconscious form of attention seeking, but I need some advice and don't quite know who to speak to. Thus, I have resolved to tell the whole student population!

    For the best part of the time, "behind closed doors", I'm angry and upset. I spend most of my time sleeping and have not felt awake in a very long time. Alone, I take huge tantrums at the smallest of things screaming to myself and crying. Or, I'll sink in to a self-centred and negative pool of emotion, where i mull over how much of a failure in life I am, allowing the tense feeling in the pit of my stomach to take control of mind and body.

    My boyfriend once asked me, "What are you really good at, what's your "thing"/passion?" and I truly found myself unable to answer this. At the comprehension of his words, I searched frantically within myself for a response. "I don't know" seemed to be all I could mustur, genuinely.

    It worries me that deep down I feel so hopeless. It's not even a superficial thing that can be solved by self realisation - this is my self realisation. I haven't truly laughed uncontrollably, as I often used to, for what I believe to be years. I cry a few times a day, three, four or even five days a week.

    I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about. Instead, on realising my behaviour, I forced myself to stop. I did this in every instance. But, the feeling of unhappiness does not seem to be one I can cure so easily by thinking. I see happy people and vow to myself that they must be kidding themselves. Underneath it all, I guess I don't see the point of it all. (I am sickened by how emo and whiney i sound!)

    I hate my life. I hate the relationship I have with my bf: i feel as though I'm really only arm candy, a sex toy, and that he is uninterested. I hate feeling like this, but he never makes any effort like he used to! And if he does, to me i feel like it just can't be genuine. All my school assignments are overdue, I miss school to try and catch up but end up wasting my time sleeping or indulging my negative feelings so teacher's are always on my case.

    I never feel ubeat, motivated or interested. Feeling down and crying seems to be my main hobby, and It's almost become my comfort zone, which sounds sickeningly odd. To me, happiness and enjoyment are things experienced by my "outward face": fun, popular, smart (often considered plastic until people get to know me and admit this!), carefree, happy: everything I should be, but in reality feel I am not. This side of me is held together procariously and at the smallest molehill I will breakdown and cry.

    My homelife is horrendous: I live only with my mother and we fight constantly. My house is unliveable in on every level. I'm not confident, any confidence I do show is feigned through willpower. I'm not happy.

    This really is quite pathetic now I read over it, but it's persistent and has been for a good couple of years now. I need help in understanding all this, how normal it is, whether I need help etc. Nobody knows - not even my therapist mother: now there's a predicament! I don't want to be this person, but i fear i have no choice anymore. I've lost control.

    Please crit this, give advice/otherwise comment. No hate please.
    Getting sick of walls of text, thought I'd add in some paragraphs for everyone's benefit.

    I'll post again when I've actually read the thing.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It feels so fake actually writing this stuff down and sharing it with other people - like it must be some sort of subconscious form of attention seeking, but I need some advice and don't quite know who to speak to. Thus, I have resolved to tell the whole student population!

    For the best part of the time, "behind closed doors", I'm angry and upset. I spend most of my time sleeping and have not felt awake in a very long time. Alone, I take huge tantrums at the smallest of things screaming to myself and crying. Or, I'll sink in to a self-centred and negative pool of emotion, where i mull over how much of a failure in life I am, allowing the tense feeling in the pit of my stomach to take control of mind and body. My boyfriend once asked me, "What are you really good at, what's your "thing"/passion?" and I truly found myself unable to answer this. At the comprehension of his words, I searched frantically within myself for a response. "I don't know" seemed to be all I could mustur, genuinely. It worries me that deep down I feel so hopeless. It's not even a superficial thing that can be solved by self realisation - this is my self realisation. I haven't truly laughed uncontrollably, as I often used to, for what I believe to be years. I cry a few times a day, three, four or even five days a week. I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about. Instead, on realising my behaviour, I forced myself to stop. I did this in every instance. But, the feeling of unhappiness does not seem to be one I can cure so easily by thinking. I see happy people and vow to myself that they must be kidding themselves. Underneath it all, I guess I don't see the point of it all. (I am sickened by how emo and whiney i sound!) I hate my life. I hate the relationship I have with my bf: i feel as though I'm really only arm candy, a sex toy, and that he is uninterested. I hate feeling like this, but he never makes any effort like he used to! And if he does, to me i feel like it just can't be genuine. All my school assignments are overdue, I miss school to try and catch up but end up wasting my time sleeping or indulging my negative feelings so teacher's are always on my case. I never feel ubeat, motivated or interested. Feeling down and crying seems to be my main hobby, and It's almost become my comfort zone, which sounds sickeningly odd. To me, happiness and enjoyment are things experienced by my "outward face": fun, popular, smart (often considered plastic until people get to know me and admit this!), carefree, happy: everything I should be, but in reality feel I am not. This side of me is held together procariously and at the smallest molehill I will breakdown and cry. My homelife is horrendous: I live only with my mother and we fight constantly. My house is unliveable in on every level. I'm not confident, any confidence I do show is feigned through willpower. I'm not happy. This really is quite pathetic now I read over it, but it's persistent and has been for a good couple of years now. I need help in understanding all this, how normal it is, whether I need help etc. Nobody knows - not even my therapist mother: now there's a predicament! I don't want to be this person, but i fear i have no choice anymore. I've lost control.

    Please crit this, give advice/otherwise comment. No hate please.
    Jesus Christ, this things need marking. Like a bloody History Dissertation. You want advice, start by making life easy for the people who are going to try and help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It feels so fake actually writing this stuff down and sharing it with other people - like it must be some sort of subconscious form of attention seeking, but I need some advice and don't quite know who to speak to. Thus, I have resolved to tell the whole student population!

    For the best part of the time, "behind closed doors", I'm angry and upset. I spend most of my time sleeping and have not felt awake in a very long time. Alone, I take huge tantrums at the smallest of things screaming to myself and crying. Or, I'll sink in to a self-centred and negative pool of emotion, where i mull over how much of a failure in life I am, allowing the tense feeling in the pit of my stomach to take control of mind and body. My boyfriend once asked me, "What are you really good at, what's your "thing"/passion?" and I truly found myself unable to answer this. At the comprehension of his words, I searched frantically within myself for a response. "I don't know" seemed to be all I could mustur, genuinely. It worries me that deep down I feel so hopeless. It's not even a superficial thing that can be solved by self realisation - this is my self realisation. I haven't truly laughed uncontrollably, as I often used to, for what I believe to be years. I cry a few times a day, three, four or even five days a week. I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about. Instead, on realising my behaviour, I forced myself to stop. I did this in every instance. But, the feeling of unhappiness does not seem to be one I can cure so easily by thinking. I see happy people and vow to myself that they must be kidding themselves. Underneath it all, I guess I don't see the point of it all. (I am sickened by how emo and whiney i sound!) I hate my life. I hate the relationship I have with my bf: i feel as though I'm really only arm candy, a sex toy, and that he is uninterested. I hate feeling like this, but he never makes any effort like he used to! And if he does, to me i feel like it just can't be genuine. All my school assignments are overdue, I miss school to try and catch up but end up wasting my time sleeping or indulging my negative feelings so teacher's are always on my case. I never feel ubeat, motivated or interested. Feeling down and crying seems to be my main hobby, and It's almost become my comfort zone, which sounds sickeningly odd. To me, happiness and enjoyment are things experienced by my "outward face": fun, popular, smart (often considered plastic until people get to know me and admit this!), carefree, happy: everything I should be, but in reality feel I am not. This side of me is held together procariously and at the smallest molehill I will breakdown and cry. My homelife is horrendous: I live only with my mother and we fight constantly. My house is unliveable in on every level. I'm not confident, any confidence I do show is feigned through willpower. I'm not happy. This really is quite pathetic now I read over it, but it's persistent and has been for a good couple of years now. I need help in understanding all this, how normal it is, whether I need help etc. Nobody knows - not even my therapist mother: now there's a predicament! I don't want to be this person, but i fear i have no choice anymore. I've lost control.

    Please crit this, give advice/otherwise comment. No hate please.
    You can't seriously expect peopel to read this... Especially at 1am! put some bloody paragraphs in!
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    Being a teenager is ****. It generally gets better. But if you've been feeling like this for a couple of years then it's probably a good idea to see someone about it - maybe a school councellor or your GP. Or you could try talking to your mother about it, it might even improve your relationship with her.

    If you're not getting anything out of being with your boyfriend then leave him.
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    sorry - i didnt even realise, train of thought just sped off there!
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Getting sick of walls of text, thought I'd add in some paragraphs for everyone's benefit.

    I'll post again when I've actually read the thing.
    Thankyou. Much appreciated.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about.
    This is not the best thing to do. Find a counselor or something.
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    It sounds like you're depressed. A lot of people feel like this, so don't worry about being 'normal'.

    I don't know how much whatever I, or anyone else says, will help - it's difficult in a forum - but I'll try at least!

    You mentioned that you don't have a passion, or 'thing'. This is completely normal - not that many people do. It doesn't matter - our passions don't define us. You're only young, and perhaps you haven't found anything you're passionate about yet. Try finding it. Take up new hobbies - reading, writing, art, whatever interests you. Eventually you'll find something you enjoy. A new hobby is also likely to make you feel more upbeat. For me, I enjoy creative writing, and I keep a journal. I'm not saying this will work for you, but it's just an example.

    Also, with the OCD, don't worry about that. I also have OCD. It was quite awful when I was younger, and made me feel incredibly depressed, but I've kinda learnt to accept it. It can be quite annoying at terms, but I find that when something else is occupying my mind it isn't too active.

    As for your lack of confidence, perhaps you don't feel comfortable in yourself? You say you put on a facade, but this can't be good. You need to learn to accept who you are, and be happy with that, and from this you can be confident. It's no easy task, but I think that learning to enjoy your own company may help. Think about what you're good at - maybe try writing a list of what you like about yourself. It could be anything, no matter how superficial, but it's a starting point.

    You say you're unhappy with your boyfriend. The only solution when you're unhappy with a relationship is to change it. Only you have the power to do that. If you don't feel it's working out, don't be afraid to break it off; if you think you can work through things, then sit down with him and talk it through calmly. Either way, you need to do what will make you most happy. The same goes for your mother. Of course, it's a more complex relationship, but perhaps you could try talking through your issues with each other, and come to some sort of compromise?

    Sorry, that's all a bit mumbled, and I've no idea if it will help at all, but remember that everyone feels the way you do sometimes. And so many people overcome it in time. You're not alone in feeling depressed, and it won't last forever.
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    Thankyou - god I feel so weird, I've never posted anything on the web outside facebook. And thankyou, paragrapher - this was my first post, so I'll bear in mind to keep the word count down!

    Natasharox - thanks for your time Greatly appreciated! I just don't want to start claiming "depression" if that's not what it is, and I guess I'm scared at such a confirmation: I don't like the connotations... But thanks for advice, it has been helpful
 
 
 
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