It feels so fake actually writing this stuff down and sharing it with other people - like it must be some sort of subconscious form of attention seeking, but I need some advice and don't quite know who to speak to. Thus, I have resolved to tell the whole student population!
For the best part of the time, "behind closed doors", I'm angry and upset. I spend most of my time sleeping and have not felt awake in a very long time. Alone, I take huge tantrums at the smallest of things screaming to myself and crying. Or, I'll sink in to a self-centred and negative pool of emotion, where i mull over how much of a failure in life I am, allowing the tense feeling in the pit of my stomach to take control of mind and body. My boyfriend once asked me, "What are you really good at, what's your "thing"/passion?" and I truly found myself unable to answer this. At the comprehension of his words, I searched frantically within myself for a response. "I don't know" seemed to be all I could mustur, genuinely. It worries me that deep down I feel so hopeless. It's not even a superficial thing that can be solved by self realisation - this is my self realisation. I haven't truly laughed uncontrollably, as I often used to, for what I believe to be years. I cry a few times a day, three, four or even five days a week. I have self harmed in the past and suffered from OCD and anxiety - none of which I've spoken to anyone about. Instead, on realising my behaviour, I forced myself to stop. I did this in every instance. But, the feeling of unhappiness does not seem to be one I can cure so easily by thinking. I see happy people and vow to myself that they must be kidding themselves. Underneath it all, I guess I don't see the point of it all. (I am sickened by how emo and whiney i sound!) I hate my life. I hate the relationship I have with my bf: i feel as though I'm really only arm candy, a sex toy, and that he is uninterested. I hate feeling like this, but he never makes any effort like he used to! And if he does, to me i feel like it just can't be genuine. All my school assignments are overdue, I miss school to try and catch up but end up wasting my time sleeping or indulging my negative feelings so teacher's are always on my case. I never feel ubeat, motivated or interested. Feeling down and crying seems to be my main hobby, and It's almost become my comfort zone, which sounds sickeningly odd. To me, happiness and enjoyment are things experienced by my "outward face": fun, popular, smart (often considered plastic until people get to know me and admit this!), carefree, happy: everything I should be, but in reality feel I am not. This side of me is held together procariously and at the smallest molehill I will breakdown and cry. My homelife is horrendous: I live only with my mother and we fight constantly. My house is unliveable in on every level. I'm not confident, any confidence I do show is feigned through willpower. I'm not happy. This really is quite pathetic now I read over it, but it's persistent and has been for a good couple of years now. I need help in understanding all this, how normal it is, whether I need help etc. Nobody knows - not even my therapist mother: now there's a predicament! I don't want to be this person, but i fear i have no choice anymore. I've lost control.
Please crit this, give advice/otherwise comment. No hate please.
Do they actually matter?