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My boyfriend isn't sure if he loves me anymore. watch

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    We've been going out for 20 months now.

    We were at uni together in our first year, got on really well, got really close, started going out. His home is about two hours away from mine (or where mine used to be). That means we've spent the last two summers apart, too.
    He then dropped out of uni and worked for a year, living with me and his friends, who are all still at uni.
    This year, he restarted uni at a different one - now about two hours away from where I am.
    We've seen each other once every two to three weeks since he's started, we talk (nearly) every night on the phone, and text each other during the day. I spent Christmas with his family, too. It sucks, being long distance, but we've managed.

    I graduate in six months time. My plan was (is) to move to where he's at uni, to work for a year and then do a Masters course at a uni there.

    I went to visit him on Wednesday (got back yesterday), and one of the things that we talked about in great depth while I was there, was that he isn't sure if he loves me, or wants to be with me any more. He said that he isn't excited to get texts from me, he doesn't really think about me when I'm not there (but if he does, he really does miss me), that we just don't excite him any more.

    So, we've decided to give it a few weeks of us not talking or communicating, to see what happens and how we feel then.

    I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I still love him so much, and I feel angry at him for making this decision on his own, and hurt that he hadn't told me sooner - rather than let it fester - and miserable. I'm angry at him for not trying harder with us (for various reasons, not for the not-loving me thing), but I love him. The first thing I wanted to do this morning was to text him, I want to find out what he's up to and tell him about what's going on with me.

    I just don't know what to do. For twenty months, and for a good three months beforehand, he's been what I've focussed on. If we do break up, I'm going to have to completely rethink what I'm going to do, which is really unfortunate considering that it's now too late to apply for most graduate schemes and I've also got a lot of work, and a dissertation, to do.

    He seemed sad, he cried lots - we both did - and he was even more upset when I said that if we did break up, I wouldn't be able to talk to him or see him or visit him for quite a while. He still partly expected me to go up and live with him when I graduate, just as friends rather than as a couple. And the reason why it's an unofficial break is because he doesn't want me to go off with anybody else in the time that he's thinking. He said that he didn't want to imagine me going and kissing anybody else, or sleeping with anybody else. So we decided that instead of being on a 'break', we were just going to not contact each other for a while, and see what happens.

    I don't know what to do. I'm so out of control here, and so out of my depth. Up until Wednesday, I'd thought that although we were having problems, that we were going to be ok. I hadn't realised he'd been planning something so terminal. And I don't know what to do. I've got an essay to write, but I just keep on staring at the screen. I don't want to eat, I can't sleep, I just can't function, and I don't know how to get past this.

    And, last night I had a dream that everything was ok with us. I had a dream that we talked it through and that things were fine. And waking up from that and realizing what was actually going on was the saddest five seconds I've had in a long time.

    I just want to be with him, and I don't know what I can do to either help us as a couple, or to help me to function - and I don't know what chance we have. I don't know if it's more likely we'll get back together or not, I don't know what I should be planning or thinking, I'm so overwhelmed.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but any experiences/words of advice/nice thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

    Sorry for the ridiculously long post, by the way.
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    I think having no communication for a while can only be a bad thing, as it'll probably cement the thoughts in his mind that he isn't that affected by not being with you.
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    aww i feel for youu!
    well i think the break is a good idea, it will make him realise how much he misses you most probably. This happened with my friend and her boyfriend, they didn't speak for a while and then her boyfriend realised he loved her loads, and missed her more than anything. Now.. they are SOOOO happy together . I think he will want you back and regret why he said that to you.
    Keep thinking positive things. It'll help you concentrate more.
    And also, eat! I didn't eat when i had boy troubles, and lost soooo much weight. Wasn't good. Keep your head held high x
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    When me and my boyfriend were having difficulties, we went couple counselling to explore if we had anything worth salvaging. At £40 a pop, it's worth finding that out and using a third party to help organise your thoughts in a more objective way. I cant guarantee that it will work out for you, but it worked for us. Despite me and my boyfriends differences, we don't want to be with anyone else and we've found that we need to spend more time together (we werent beforehand and that was causing a problem with bonding and intimacy)
    I agree with Clements that lack of communication can worsen problems if its over a period of weeks. Maybe take a week out and then decide on a course of action. I had a relationship where me and my ex separated for a bit and then came back together, but I was so paranoid that he split with me and then asked to have me back, I thought he'd do it again. The trust was gone, so you need to find out if he's absolutely sure that he wants to separate temporarily and make him aware that doing this can damage the relationship irrepairably.
    If he really wants to make it work with you, he'd be prepared to try anything to make it work. Please condier the counselling.
    • #2
    #2

    I'd love to hear peoples' opinions on this too - I'm in the same situation, except the other way around. After being together for over 2 years, I told my boyfriend that I'm not happy anymore and I just don't feel excited being with him. I think we've unofficially 'broken up', but I'm so surprised to have been crying and feeling so horrible when I thought it wouldn't have been too much of a problem.

    It's likely that he's feeling the same right now..and remember to eat, as that helps!
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    This must really suck for you The fact that he was upset is a good thing though, even if his feelings have actually changed at least he's giving it a chance and he wants you to be finds afterwards if you did brak up (altough this would make it much harder for you to get over him in my opiion.)

    There's nothing you can except sit it out so try not to worry (this is a pretty stupid thing to advise though because this will obviously be hard). Try new things to forget him? Even starting a new addictive tv series on dvd could help you take your mind off him? I'd say try Lost

    Good luck
    • #1
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    #1

    Thanks, Katherineeee.


    (Original post by Clements-)
    I think having no communication for a while can only be a bad thing, as it'll probably cement the thoughts in his mind that he isn't that affected by not being with you.

    See, this is what I'm concerned about too. And he's spent enough time doing this and deciding this on his own, I'm not sure what'll change by us not talking at all - apart from the hope that he realizes that he does miss me.

    But at the same time, I don't know what else to do. I don't know what will help or... Anything, and I'm out of ideas. I don't really want to talk to any of my friends about it, partly because none of them have ever really experienced anything like this and partly because I'm embarrassed, and I don't want to speak to my mum - although I'm sure she'll have advice - because I'm, again, embarrassed about it all. So we're stuck, not sure what to do.

    Argh.
    This sucks.
    This is just completely rubbish, especially as I know that we're good together - I know that we work, we get on great and can talk about most things. I'm not sure if it's complacency or boredom or something else entirely, I just don't understand.
    • #1
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    Sorry - thank you to everybody for your support and advice and words. It took me too long to reply to Clements, that I missed everybody else's replies!
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    I can completely 100% sympathise you. The feeling of heartbreak is ******* awful!
    But... I think in the long term, the ceasing of communication will be very significant.
    Either you'll see that you love each other too much, or you'll see that, in fact, it wasn't meant to be. So you need to stick at it! I know how hard it is, I had a similar thing with my ex boyfriend. We did the 'not talking to each other' thing, and then it was concluded that we couldn't do it, and we're still on and off. It hurts so much for a while, but the only way to get away from that hurt is time. Even if he turned round now and said he didn't mean it all, I reckon you'd be a bit... resentful towards him for making you feel like kak, for absolutely nothing. So it has to be followed through! Try and find distractions... Talk to your friends (though not too much about him, it will drive them nuts!) and think about other things you can do in the future to help you move on.
    It's not impossible, just hard.
    Nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better right now, it has to come from you. And like I said, time is so so so important.
    Good luck!
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    If he doesn't want to continue the relationship, there's nothing you can do about it.
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    I don't know what to say, except from I have a similar problem with my (now ex) boyfriend. The relationship was going amazingly well, but then something did change on his side, and instead of the "not talking", he just ended it. So in a way, I am acutally rather envious that you still have a boyfriend, even though you're not communicating at the moment. All I can say is that this will pass. It hasn't passed for me yet though, I have to be honest, and I still wake up each day feeling like a part of me is missing, but you just HAVE to move on...It is difficult I know, and as I am typing this I am wondering why I can't follow my own advice sometimes. But I don't know. I hope that with no communication, he will realise that he does love you, and does miss you a lot. Best of luck with this, and just try and get your mind of it by doing other things, otherwise you will just get worse over time. Time is the only healer when you are feeling like this, but you need to LET the time heal you, which is what I have actually just realised I am not doing. Please try not to dwell.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, Katherineeee.


    See, this is what I'm concerned about too. And he's spent enough time doing this and deciding this on his own, I'm not sure what'll change by us not talking at all - apart from the hope that he realizes that he does miss me.

    But at the same time, I don't know what else to do. I don't know what will help or... Anything, and I'm out of ideas. I don't really want to talk to any of my friends about it, partly because none of them have ever really experienced anything like this and partly because I'm embarrassed, and I don't want to speak to my mum - although I'm sure she'll have advice - because I'm, again, embarrassed about it all. So we're stuck, not sure what to do.

    Argh.
    This sucks.
    This is just completely rubbish, especially as I know that we're good together - I know that we work, we get on great and can talk about most things. I'm not sure if it's complacency or boredom or something else entirely, I just don't understand.
    I went through the same thing with my boyfriend after we'd been together for 3 years (and living together for 1). This happens to a lot of couples around the 2 years mark - either one or both feel like they are missing out on the fun and question their committment. It is very common, you mustn't think that you have done something wrong or there is something wrong with the way you are.

    What happened with my boyfriend and me is that we went on a break. We still communicated, but he moved out and I went on dates with a couple of guys. A short while later we got back together and we are much happier now (been a year). So from experience I have to say that a break is not a bad thing. However yours is rather different as neither of you are going to be seeing anybody else. You should give him a time limit to make a decision, he cannot keep stringing you along as some sort of backup.

    I can empathise with how you are feeling. If you breakup, I understand there will be an immense amount of regret - not just about the future you have planned for, but also about the last 20 months and all the committment you have made to each other. But at the end of the day, if one person says it's over, then it's over. You have to be strong and prepare for the possibility that it might end.

    Speculation aside, you need to find out exactly why he isn't sure if he loves you anymore. To me, it doesn't sound like he even knows why. If you speak about it, perhaps you can help him come to a conclusion. Break is ok, no communication is a bad idea. All that will come at the end of this is either he decides he still loves you or he doesn't. What happens if you stay together then? Will you say ok, that's cool and carry on as normal having never spoken about it? What if this happens again another 20 months into the future? If you breakup, will you ever find out why? Yes, maybe give him a few days or even a week to think, but I feel you really need to speak to each other. He is leaving you in limbo right now. It's not fair.
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    I think break it off. You deserve someone who loves you, not someone whose not sure. You wont have to re-think everything; you will manage absolutely fine. Don't be trapped in a somewhat meaningless relationship because you are too scared/not sure if you want to break it off. I think that you're young, they are plenty of guys out there and usually distance makes the heart grow fonder so the fact that you guys barely see each other and it doesn't drive you crazy is, in my opinion, not a good sign.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We've been going out for 20 months now.

    We were at uni together in our first year, got on really well, got really close, started going out. His home is about two hours away from mine (or where mine used to be). That means we've spent the last two summers apart, too.
    He then dropped out of uni and worked for a year, living with me and his friends, who are all still at uni.
    This year, he restarted uni at a different one - now about two hours away from where I am.
    We've seen each other once every two to three weeks since he's started, we talk (nearly) every night on the phone, and text each other during the day. I spent Christmas with his family, too. It sucks, being long distance, but we've managed.

    I graduate in six months time. My plan was (is) to move to where he's at uni, to work for a year and then do a Masters course at a uni there.

    I went to visit him on Wednesday (got back yesterday), and one of the things that we talked about in great depth while I was there, was that he isn't sure if he loves me, or wants to be with me any more. He said that he isn't excited to get texts from me, he doesn't really think about me when I'm not there (but if he does, he really does miss me), that we just don't excite him any more.

    So, we've decided to give it a few weeks of us not talking or communicating, to see what happens and how we feel then.

    I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I still love him so much, and I feel angry at him for making this decision on his own, and hurt that he hadn't told me sooner - rather than let it fester - and miserable. I'm angry at him for not trying harder with us (for various reasons, not for the not-loving me thing), but I love him. The first thing I wanted to do this morning was to text him, I want to find out what he's up to and tell him about what's going on with me.

    I just don't know what to do. For twenty months, and for a good three months beforehand, he's been what I've focussed on. If we do break up, I'm going to have to completely rethink what I'm going to do, which is really unfortunate considering that it's now too late to apply for most graduate schemes and I've also got a lot of work, and a dissertation, to do.

    He seemed sad, he cried lots - we both did - and he was even more upset when I said that if we did break up, I wouldn't be able to talk to him or see him or visit him for quite a while. He still partly expected me to go up and live with him when I graduate, just as friends rather than as a couple. And the reason why it's an unofficial break is because he doesn't want me to go off with anybody else in the time that he's thinking. He said that he didn't want to imagine me going and kissing anybody else, or sleeping with anybody else. So we decided that instead of being on a 'break', we were just going to not contact each other for a while, and see what happens.

    I don't know what to do. I'm so out of control here, and so out of my depth. Up until Wednesday, I'd thought that although we were having problems, that we were going to be ok. I hadn't realised he'd been planning something so terminal. And I don't know what to do. I've got an essay to write, but I just keep on staring at the screen. I don't want to eat, I can't sleep, I just can't function, and I don't know how to get past this.

    And, last night I had a dream that everything was ok with us. I had a dream that we talked it through and that things were fine. And waking up from that and realizing what was actually going on was the saddest five seconds I've had in a long time.

    I just want to be with him, and I don't know what I can do to either help us as a couple, or to help me to function - and I don't know what chance we have. I don't know if it's more likely we'll get back together or not, I don't know what I should be planning or thinking, I'm so overwhelmed.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but any experiences/words of advice/nice thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

    Sorry for the ridiculously long post, by the way.
    I don't really know what advice to give here... I've been in a long distance relationship for 19 months, i'm going to uni this year and he is now in his second year, i'm in east anglia and he is up in newcastle! We went (and are still going) through the same sort of thing right now, just without the not talking. Uni is a massive change for people, and it affects different people in different ways.

    Anyway, I think that the no communication thing is a very very bad idea, because he will get wrapped up in his own life and maybe even start to forget to text you, then you will inevitably drift apart as you won't have anything to talk about when you talk again. If its possible, stop this now, tell him how you feel and if he feels anything he will tell you. If not, then don't force him to give it another go or anything, just do what will be best for you in the long run and try to work out where you would be in life without him. I know its a depressing thought, but if you slowly begin to detach him from your life piece by piece, it wont hurt quite as much if things do end between you two. If things patch up, you'll easily be able to reattach!
    • #3
    #3

    I'm in limbo with my boybriend/ex boyfriend (I don't even know whether we're together or not!) It started when we came to uni together in September, we didn't enjoy it because things changed and I said I wanted to go home and he got upset and said he didn't want to be left at uni 2 hours away from home on his own. I instantly changed my mind and said of course I'd never leave him here alone. I cam to my senses and relaised that it wasn;t what I wanted anyway, I wanted a shot at it and would regret it if I left. Then in November I went home for the weekend and when I came back he told me that he wanted to go home. This tme it was me who was upset He left me in limbo not knowing if we was going to leave me alone at uni or stay with me. Obviously I was very angry about this and we argued. Over the christmas holidays he broke up with me and a few days later told me he wasn't coming back ro uni with me. We never really stopped communicating though and 2 weeks after this he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said yes but I'm not so sure anymore. I love him so much and have given up and done so much to be with him. He says he loves me more than anything but how can that be. I have no friends and don't really know many people so he's left me all alone. He knows how upset and lonely I am and everytime I beg him to come back to uni he says "I just can't." I'm angry and upset that he's not here when i need him most. I don't have any say in our relationshiop anymore and when I get upset or angry on the phone with him he tries to change the subject and says whats the point talking about it we know that [email protected] just going to be upset. I know deep down that it's not right but I'm scared to let go cos I still really love him and i want him to actually live up to his words and show me that our relationship is worth fighting for. I'm scared because if I stop texting him as well then I really will be alone - wont even have anyone to text! My heartbreak is still fresh as it only happened a couple of weeks ago but instead of being with my parents I'm dealing with being here alone and I'm trying to revise for me exams whixh are just days away now.
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    I would try hard to forget him for the time. You need to focus on your studies.


    It will work out in time. For better or worse.
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    He's being stupid, he does love you, if he can't think about seeing you with someone else, then he must. Just because there's no excitement doesn't mean there's no love. However your bf clearly thinks this. If he has kept this in him then it means that he has been trying to keep it together. Who knows. O.o it's a tough cookie. Buy him a bagel.
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    He isn't sure = he doesn't and wants you to break up with him.
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    Hey I have been in quite the same situation with my girlfriend, we have been together for 1 year and 8 months or so but it hasn't been easy, I like to be alone whilst she used to want to skype for hours, texts all the time, also meaningless ones. But then I talked to her and told her that I couldn't cope that much contact, maybe he is like me, he needs to be alone once in a while, I know it may sound meaningless but some people just need time on their own or with their friends. It felt the same with me, that I did not love my girlfriend anymore and like in your case the idea of her with anybody else made me burn of anger, so we made an arrangement like yours and now everything works pretty well. Note that we also have a long distance relationship (she lives in Moscow, I live in Switzerland and we meet once every two months on average). I think that if he is like me he just needs time and then everything will be fine. Try to break down all the factors and you will see it. Maybe you obsessed him a little bit too much for him and now he is exhausted but that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love you anymore. Still he is the only one to know it, so try to ask him if that is the case.
    All the best darlin
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    Please tell me how you too ended up, I know everyone is different but I'm in a very similar situation with my boyfriend (or ex I don't know what to call him) please let me know what happened?
 
 
 
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