inadequacies and its origin

I was brought up in a family where love and affection are practically non-existent. Instead, treatment that you receive from your parents are determined by your future potential, and one has to prove one's worth practically by excelling in your studies. I do not deny that such a pursuit has created a vacuum within me - a vacuum that causes me to never be satisfied with what I have achieved; a vacuum that forces you to build your self-worth around achievements and the things you can do.

For a start, I never believed I was smart or any more intelligent than my peers. However, my parents thought otherwise, since I was naturally more intellectually stimulated, and I showed early signs of giftedness when compared to my older siblings. To be brought up in such an environment is indeed very traumatising and depressing, and it really shudders me that I have not turned wayward to look for external sources of validation, care and love. There is really nothing like being constantly reminded that you're intelligent that brews a recipe for disaster. The most irritating thing happens when your illogical and irrational sibling comes to berate you, not with the intention of correcting you so that you will turn out to be a better and more likeable person but to further his agenda - run you down so as to sooth and assuage his sored ego from the years of neglect and bruise. I do not deny that this is a very nasty thing to speak of your sibling. Perhaps he thinks that such a form of communication may achieve the desired results more quickly - which is to correct you of your wrongful behaviour? Perhaps he is just full of angst and envy after being eclipsed by my more outstanding achievements till today? My parents are also no less guilty of these transgressions, vaciliating between different messages at different times. With two schools of thought imbibing you with very contradictory messages, they totally leave me strandled.

To speak of emotions and feelings in my family is a great, great anathema - something that is taboo and should never be spoken, because it reveals your weakness. Being emotionally assualted and run down just after experiencing a moment of love and unconditional acceptance from my family is a norm. As a result, I would not rather experience any form of love, for fear of greater hurt when it is eventually surgically removed from me, leaving a gaping wound in its wake. Over time, I have gradually learnt to insulate myself in a cocoon, which, undeniably, is unhealthy. I learn to mind my own business; I learn to show less emotions on my face; these are outcomes which I do not want to see in myself. Tragically, in this family, this seems to be the only way to outwin and outlast. Unfortunately, this has resulted me in people labeling me as someone "living in his own world" on two very separate occasions. They do not understand how being aloof as such is essentially a way of survival in a place I call home.

Being brought up in such an environment has resulted me in being very competitive and achievement-oriented. I hope I can be like those of my many friends who can laugh while doing foolish acts together. No doubt, I feel good of myself if I am able to help my friends or anyone who approaches me for help. Just a few weeks back then when I was having a fun time with my friends, I feel as though I am detached from my being, behaving in a way deemed appropriate at a specific scene. I laugh at the sight of someone being drenched by water, and it is really an act. I did not feel any true joy or laughter within. I do enjoy satrical humour and caustic wit though. Perhaps that adoration formed after having sarcastic remarks rained on me year after year and I gradually learned to cope by brushing it off and laughing at it?

.to be continued.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Luckily, my sister, the other sibling, is someone who sees thing eye in eye with me. There's a sort of unspoken agreement that we approach each other for reassurance and comfort after experiencing needless abrasive behaviour from my parents and brother. I love her. Unfortunately or fortunately, she's getting married soon and I really wonder how life will be like for me thereafter. Currently I have offers from universities in the UK to further my studies and I forsee myself leaving in a year or so. I hate to leave my parents behind because they were the very ones who protected and educated me since the very day I was born. It is with deep regret that I say we do not speak the same love language. I need to start afresh with my life. I need a break from the lifestyle I have been experiencing.

.to be continued.

inadequacies and its origin

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