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    Posting as anonymous, but even if I do have friends on here they'll recognise the story.

    In September last year, I went to uni. It was never my first choice, I never got excited about it, and I knew I could do much better. I was miserable there, hated my course, didn't meet anyone. Basically everything was going wrong. I was going to give it another week, and withdraw. In my second week, my boyfriend of 19 months breaks up with me. He had cheated with a girl, someone who he started to get feelings for, and subsequently started seeing. I couldn't concentrate, i couldn't stay that extra week. If i stayed the extra week, i would have made friends which would have persuaded me to stay. But not for the right reasons, i still hated the course.

    So I then found myself on a gap year. I had my best friend at uni in London too, which helped me so much. But I couldn't cut contact with ex, I had been best friends with him for even before we were going out, and I was just too dependent on him. We kept talking, and sometimes it was fine, just like when we were friends before but sometimes i could feel i still had very strong feelings for him. And when this happened, I stayed away for a couple of days.

    Soon, a number of things happened which led to me being diagnosed with depression. I was sexually assaulted in early November which led me to self harm again. I couldn't tell my parents as my mum was moving to Paris, and I couldn't worry her. My mum moved to Paris for work, which left me and my dad in the house. We hardly talk or communicate. The pressure of UCAS was really getting to me, and I was paranoid about it. I received 5 rejections last year, and I felt I was going to get the same this year. My best friend's mum then passed away, causing my dad to worry about his own health, and of course I had to be there for my best friend.

    Finally I had some good news. I had got into UCL. And people were coming home for the Xmas holidays. At first I was putting on a brave face when i was out with people, but I would go home and stay in bed the majority of the time.

    With my ex. My feelings for him were entirely gone. But I'm still so dependent on him, it's ridiculous. I haven't told him about my depression, but he did ask me about it ages ago before I went to the Dr's. Whenever I do talk to him, I feel so much better because he knows exactly how to cheer me up. The last few weeks i felt, had been perfect. i didn't text him 24/7 like i did before, and only phoned him when i really needed advice. However, we had fallen into a casual relationship of sex. TBH it was doing me good, and it felt some sort of release from my life. And I would much rather be him than any other randomer. He was fine with it...sometimes, and sometimes he thought I still had feelings for him, and we should stop.

    Last night we were talking on the phone. Sometimes just teasing each other about the above, but most of the time just talking about stuff. It suddenly switched to him telling me how we should stop this relationship we had going on, and just be friends. He then told me about how the girl he had been seeing just cut contact with him after they broke up. and why did i never do that. a number of things he said just made me so angry at him, and upset with him. At one point, I said 'I'm sorry'. And I was just going to say 'goodbye' and hang up. But I literally couldn't. He knew exactly what I was going to do. I said I wanted to spite him in some way, i thought i could do that by just cutting him off. Because he would try and contact me. And he confirmed this, it would hurt him. Again, I couldn't. We talked for a further 10 minutes, and he started talking about cutting contact again. i got so angry that i just said '**** off, Goodbye'. and hung up.

    I then phoned my friend who I'd got particularly close to recently (he had recently also broken up with his long term boyfriend). He calmed me down, and told me that I could now just not talk to him for at least 3 days.

    But then what would that make me? I'm basically testing our friendship, seeing if he really does want to be friends with me. Which is so low. I didn't sleep a wink last night, hated the fact that he thought i was angry at him. I deleted his number from my phone last night, but i know i can remember it if i really try. I want to apologise for last night, and just go back to what we were before. And cut off the sex part. But part of me still wants to spite him, and stop talking to him. I guess part of me is worried that he will never want to talk to me...but i don't think that's true, i just don't know how long it'll take.

    I'm sorry for the essay, but if you've got this far then at least just write something, whether it's just a 'hello' or just a hug. I could do with one of them.
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    Hello.
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    i err...dont actually know what to say. except i hoe it gets better for you op :console:
    :hugs:
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    To be honest I think you need to get away from your ex for a while. You clearly have other friends - can't you try spending more time with them? The better you get to know them, the better they'll be at cheering you up, and they won't screw with your head as well. I don't think your ex means to be a *******, but he doesn't seem good for you at all.

    Congrats on UCL, by the way - you'll meet tons of new people to get along with and be close to there.
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    *HUG*!!
    tbh i think this ex is being a complete ****, and using you for when his confidence is low. youre his **** buddy, backup, whatever you want to call it. maybe he doesnt mean to treat you like this, but whatever, you deserve much better than this & the best thing you can do is spend less time with your ex.. i dont mean cut contact completely cos i can see youre obv really good friends and whatever, but just.. see your other mates a bit more maybe? and well done on getting into UCL, hope you have an amazing time
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    :hugs:

    It'll be okay, OP, honestly. Everything may seem awful and down at the moment because you're not doing anything new in your life, and everyone else seems to be. Congratulations on getting into UCL, that's where I am, and you'll really enjoy it. Just try to keep your chin up and muddle along until you can cut ties and start afresh - personally, I'd say you should actually cut contact with your ex for good - a casual sex relationship is keeping you anchored in the past and with him, and from the sounds of it nothing more will ever happen with you two. Try to cut off from him and be less dependent, you'll really be proud of yourself for it.

    All the best OP! x
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    You need to take charge.
    • #1
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    (Original post by g_star_raw_1989)
    Hello.
    (Original post by -XxX-)
    i err...dont actually know what to say. except i hoe it gets better for you op :console:
    :hugs:
    Thank you for reading *hugs back*

    (Original post by Jelkin)
    To be honest I think you need to get away from your ex for a while. You clearly have other friends - can't you try spending more time with them? The better you get to know them, the better they'll be at cheering you up, and they won't screw with your head as well. I don't think your ex means to be a *******, but he doesn't seem good for you at all.

    Congrats on UCL, by the way - you'll meet tons of new people to get along with and be close to there.
    I should get away from him. But it's annoying, cos I thought i was doing such a good job of doing so, especially in the past few days. I had hardly thought about him, sent like 1 text. It really upset me when he told me we needed to 'cut contact'. And I know that sometimes he means to be a ******* to me, so that i have a reason to hate him and it'll be easier for me. He tried this when he cheated on me, he had never felt so low, and he wanted me to hate him so it'll be easy on me. I am, i'm trying. i've found friends of friends who are on a gap year as well. It's just that ex is here in London too, but then so is my other best friend And i've made a vow to visit other uni's, eg. cambridge this weekend, which is the only thing i've been looking forward to. but thank you so much. *hugs*

    (Original post by charliiiiii)
    *HUG*!!
    tbh i think this ex is being a complete ****, and using you for when his confidence is low. youre his **** buddy, backup, whatever you want to call it. maybe he doesnt mean to treat you like this, but whatever, you deserve much better than this & the best thing you can do is spend less time with your ex.. i dont mean cut contact completely cos i can see youre obv really good friends and whatever, but just.. see your other mates a bit more maybe? and well done on getting into UCL, hope you have an amazing time
    Thank you!! *hugs back* The strange thing is...i feel like i'm using him more with the sex part. Especially with what happened to me, i've been scared of any other boy. I've always initiated it with him. And he always prefered oral sex when we were in a relationship, now it's full on sex which i prfer. Thank you, this is exactly what i want to try. not completelt cut contact, cos i feel that would make it even worse for me. i'm thinking of seeing a friend who i've met recently tonight as well



    And thanks about UCL. You have no idea how happy I am about that The uni i withdrew from was nowhere near the same level.
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    "Virtual Hug"

    Hope things go well for you, and maybe see you at UCL in September, whoever you are! x
 
 
 
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